Timi the law died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found so many wall clocks hanging with different times and he decided to ask why the clocks were saying different times. An angel told him that they represent the amount of times an individual tells lies.

He asked of one that was just 3 minutes past the hour and angel told him that it belonged to Dr.Zik. He asked of one that's just four minutes past the hour, the angel told him that it belonged to Awolowo. He then demanded to see obasanjo's clock. The angel replied "Oga, Jesus uses it in his office as his fan".

My Experience in a Church

I was in a church. While the preacher was busy preaching, a guy sitting next to me brought out a cuban cigar and lit it. I was so shocked that I almost dropped my bottle of beer.

na christian church be that?

A minister, a priest and an rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake.

Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to stroll about the area, enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town.

Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their privates and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his privates.

The rabbi replied, "I don't know about you, but in my congregation, it's my face they would recognize."

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fixed his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, and fixed his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door."

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny, may I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, amethyst...

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

Haba Seun, make I nack one Now.

I went to Church one day, our pastor preached a good sermon about Goodness and Mercy. After the service when we were about to depart the pastor told us to say "Goodness and Mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever and ever.

I turned to my one of my friends sitting beside me and I recite the "goodness and mercy". We were already going when this my said friend ran after me and told me "Greatpeter only goodness will follow you mercy will not follow you. I was already getting angry and I walked to him and asked why he was cursing me. He replied "Don't you know I was engaged to Sister Mercy? How can she follow you again?

It was a laughing galore that night.

Three guys travelling in a car had an accident and went to heaven. The following interview ensued with St Peter.
ST Peter: youngmen, as you are in front of me that means you are fit to be in heaven however i will need to ask you a question as it will determine the kind of transport you get (heaven is a large place).

St Pet to 1st man: you were married before you died . can you tell me for how long and how many times you cheated?

1st man: I was married for 8 years and i cheated 4 times.
St Pet: what , take that 1980 volkswagen beetle
2nd man: in my own case i was married for 15 years and i cheated only twice
St Pet (With an irritated frown): take the peugeot 504
3rd man: I was married for 36 years and I have never cheated.
St Pet(hugs him): take the Benz Maybach.

The third man drove off and his friends later caught up with him crying by the side of the road, so they asked him what happened. He said
" I just passed my wife, she was on a skateboard"

It is the year 2004 and Noah lives in the United States.

The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am
going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with
water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save
the righteous people and two of every kind of living
thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
build an Ark."

In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications
for an Ark. Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans
and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the
Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard
weeping.

"Noah." He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best,
but there were big problems. First, I had to get a
permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans.

Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not
the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation
devices.

Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.

I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
catch any owls. So, no owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike.

I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor
Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still
no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued
by an animal rights group. They objected to me only
taking two of each kind aboard.

Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me
that I could not complete the Ark without filing an
environmental impact statement on your proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
universe.

Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of
the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. Right
now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the
Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am
practicing discrimination by not taking godless,
unbelieving people aboard!

The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to
avoid paying taxes.

I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of
user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational
water craft."

Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction
against further construction of the Ark, saying that since
God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event, therefore
unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6
years!" Noah wailed. The sky began to clear, the sun
began to shine and the seas began to calm. A rainbow
arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. You
mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."


AMEN

A prayer warrior was in the jungle fasting and praying. Suddenly, he sighted a lion charging towards him.

He quickly closed his eyes and prayed, "Father lord, let this lion become born again."

When he opened his eyes, the lion in a kneeling position asked him "are you through with your prayer?" Answering yes, the lion said its own prayer: "bless this food, oh lord for Christ sake. Amen."

... courtesy of hot-angel

After a man of God has finished preaching on faith. The congregation were really uplifted. The man of God said whatsoever thing you declare shall be yours. He told them of the power of the spoken word.

So, after service that very Sunday a man who was trekking home with his son saw another man in his jaguar jeep and he:

"I claim this jaguar in Jesus' name."

Hi,

I have a huge favour to ask you. I haven't got credit to ring you. There are some of my friends arriving in your neighbourhood. They are very nice, polite and very religious people.

Can you please, let them stay at your house for some time?

I have given your address and telephone number to them already. I hope you won't be mad at me, but it's an urgent matter. They will not trouble you. I'm sending you a picture of them for you to easily recognize them.

They will arrive at your house with two Mercedes Benz vehicles, one white and the other green.

You can call me in case you have any reservations.

Counting on your assistance

Thanks in advance, I know you won't let me down.


Chxta

A group of travelling preacher arrived for a crusade in a rural community in Edo state. Druring the sermon, an obviously excited preacher said;

" if you are a drunkard you will not be with JESUS......... if you are a thief.........gossip,...... fornicator..... adulterer, ..... homesexual,....arsonist,......etc".

[ for almost 45 minutes, he continued listing the criteria of those that will be with JESUS]

A woman who had been listening to is remarked;

" sho e bi like say this JESUS wan stay alone "

Seun, the monk Joke is funny but sad. My espectations where WAYYYYYYYY to high!!

Oluwizard....u r something else.

I am laughing my ass off. OMG y'all are funny.

The preacher stood before the congregation. ''Brothers and Sisters, I
understand that there have been some he'n and she'n going on. I will not
tolerate fornication in my church. All of those who are guilty, leave my
presence.'' So some men and women exited the church. ''Brothers and Sisters, I
also understand that there have been some he'n and he'n goin' on. Those who are
guilty, leave my presence.'' So some embarrased men exited the church.
''Brothers and Sisters, I also understand that there have been some she'n and
she'n going on. Those who are guilty, leave my presence.'' So some women got up
and exited the church. The preacher looked around and the only one left in the
church was a little boy sittin' in the front pew. The
preacher walked up to the boy.
''I would like to commend you for being such an upright, loyal Christian.''
''Hold up now preacher. If you had gotten down to some me'n
and some me'n, I'd have to get up and leave too!''

@olaotan
Ha ha ha ha

Remember, there are three religious truths:
1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

Two Christian brothers traveled to Jerusalem for the holy pilgrimage and after visiting few interesting places both where Jesus performed miracles, they decided to join a line of people crossing to the other side of the Jordan. These brothers didn't know that they have to pay to get on the boat so when its their turn to get on the boat, the guy in-charge asked them for their fare! they said Oh sorry we didn't know we have to pay! how much is it? they asked! $500 the man replied! the both screamed how much? the man said $500 looking at eachother one of them said "no wonder Jesus crossed it on foot"

Damn, these jokes are so funny

;d

this is really funny!

Y'all got me lafing hard. Really nice jokes.

Nice Nice lovely

One day during a mass in a catholoic church, the parish cook arrived with some congo-meat(snail).
eager to prepare it before the priest finishes the mass, he went to the window close to the altar, and chanted

father, what shall I do to the meaaaat.
the priest suprised by it, but not wanting the faithful to understand chanted his reply also;
boil sommme
fry sommme
and put some in the refrigeratorrrrr
the catholic faithfull  obviously unaware , thought he was making a prayer replied;
Aaaaamennn!

hahahahahahahahhahahah hey i wont die of lafter u guys are really sometin else

Mischievous Boys

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

A Priest, a church of England vicar and a rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game.
" Father" asks the officer, " were you gambling?"
" Of course not," says the priest after saying a silent prayer for forgiveness.
After an appeal to heaven, he answers, " No sir,
I certainly was not."
Turning to the rabbi, the officer asks, " Rabbi,
were you gambling?"
Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies, " With Whom?"

Hospital Stay

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Can you pay in cash?"

"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."

"Do you have any close relatives, then?"

"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."

"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."

"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."





Darla's Doctors Visit

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."

The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"

Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out of it.

About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

The Garden Of Eden

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."

can't stop laughn', ,u guys are gr8.