*14 LESSONS IN 14 YEARS OF MARRIAGE*

*HIS PREFACE*

Three days to my wedding, I tried to persuade the Pastor not to announce my wedding, I was a very popular brother in church and president of the youth fellowship.

Pastor wasn't persuaded, according to church laws, my wedding must be announced, ahhh, this man wants to fall my hand. My budget for my wedding was 50 thousand naira only and that money includes the engagement, the wedding gown and the wedding ring. No budget for refreshments at all.

Being a favorite of my pastor, I told him to delay the announcement till 15 minutes to end of service. The announcement went like this

"We are pleased to announce the wedding of our wonderful brother, the zonal and parish choir master, the head of drama group, the youth president, Bro Femi" A loud ovation followed.

"Whose engagement ceremony comes up tomorrow Monday by 7am and the wedding proper on Tuesday the next day by 8am. Please contact him for the address"

Before the church can recover from the shock, the pastor asked the church to arise for the closing prayers, before they completed the closing prayers, I had left the church and my phone was switched off.

It's only when you can see me or call me that you will have access to the venue and it's only those who have been numbered among the 20 that knows the venue to my wedding.

I have always believed that only three sets of persons are important for wedding ceremony, the couple, family representatives & a minister of God.

*************************

On that faithful morning, I woke up with a start, it's my wedding day and I have three undecided issues.

One, I didn't buy any suit or tie or shoes for the wedding, I have to choose any of the clothes in my wardrobe that morning. I didn't know which one to choose from the 2 suits I have.

Two, I forgot to have an haircut and the wedding wass 8am, barbers won't be out yet.

Three, I have sold my only car few weeks ago (it's consuming my little cash) so I have no car to drive to my wedding or to carry my new bride back home.

So what have I been doing all this while?

Before you crucify me, wait.

Calm down.

Let me explain

Two things preoccupied my heart weeks leading to my wedding

One
Sex, sex, sex
We had agreed that no sex before wedding. Oops! That came out wrong.

She had insisted that no sex before marriage. I agreed but in my mind I was simply waiting for the wedding night to deal with her. My three months wait was about to be over.

Ohh you thought we courted for long, no, it's just three months.

After God finally told me she was my wife and He confirmed it from others, what am I waiting for again.

Honestly I was not emotionally ready for the marriage, all I was looking forward to was the fact that I now have unlimited access to 24 hours free Holy sex.

The second thing I was doing weeks before wedding was preparing the house for my new bride.

I sold my car and divided the money into three. One part for my music album while the second part was used to furnish my house especially the kitchen so that my new bride can live comfortably. The third part was initial capital for my new bride's business.

In my mind I was prepared for marriage because

*The house was ready

*I had a job and finance was no problem

*Bed was undefiled though thanks to her love for God

*And I love her so much

We were going to have the best marriage of the century.....

Hmmm, how disillusioned I was.....

Few hours later, before a witness of about 20 persons and after shooting my budget of 50,000 by 5,000 we were married. Thank God my mother came with little refreshments, because I didn't even plan for that.

We didn't even have to wait for 72 hours before we started our first quarrel

Within few weeks, she was crying and I was mad.

The perfect marriage was out of the window.

I love her but that wasn't enough

We tend to quarrel over everything, even the sex that I was dreaming of faded away, how can you have sex when you are constantly plotting revenge.

One morning, many months later, I became a beast that I never knew I could be.

I raised my hands and beat my wife. The woman I love most. I cried, I was confused.

I thought love was enough, I thought finance was enough.

I thought the marriage counselor said all I need was to show her love.

I thought my guys said all I needed was to provide money.

I thought social media said I should give her surprises once a while with candle sticks.

I thought African tradition says I should prove to her that I am the man of the house.

I thought the American movies says I should open doors for her, I did it twice now.

How come none is working....

I threatened her with divorce, I felt she was the problem.

I parked out of the house thinking I want to break her by force.

All failed, my marriage was sinking further.

This is not the marriage I hoped for.

I have become a beast rather than a lover.

We had become strangers instead of friends.

Divorce seemed eminent but what if I was the problem?

What if I needed to calm down and learn some lessons?

What if I had been wrong, my friends had been wrong?

For sure, society had been wrong, if society was right then the rate of divorce would have reduced in the world.

I guess I need to calm down, look personally into my own marriage and learn my lessons.

Hmmmm

Find below some lessons I learnt that changed my home for the better.

They are not written in order of importance, they are not ground shaking theories.

They are simple, little, cheap lessons that had a very great effect on my home.

Let us delve in

To be continued

*14 LESSONS IN 14 YEARS OF MARRIAGE*

*HER PREFACE*

I had been attending faithfully single sisters programs.

I have read few books about marriage, I have various messages on how to handle a man in marriage.

When he came to tell me that God said I'm his wife, I thought he was joking. I prayed and God confirmed it to me, my mother and my other prayer partners.

One month after I gave him my reply, he told me we should get married 2 months later. I was ready.

I have read about submission, I have been taught how to handle a man and luckily for me, my future man is a friend of over 5 years. I guess it will be a very easy marriage.

He was calm, loving and easily agrees to whatever I say.

We even have the same ideas about many things including a quiet wedding.

On the wedding day, I bade my mother's house farewell, I was going to live with my very good friend. The beginning of a wonderful marriage.

I underestimated men.

Few days down the line, honeymoon had no more honey. Things got bad quickly.

All my prepared strategies began to fail one after the other.

I thought reporting him would solve the problem, but it got worse.

Few years down the line we were talking about divorce and I was tired and fed up.

I discovered pre knowledge isn't the solution to marriage.

I discovered there were some characters that I developed over the years that needs to be dealt with.

I discovered he is not the only problem, we both have parts to play.

I discovered I don't have to wait for him to change before I become my best for the marriage.

I have learnt a few lessons. They are not massive discoveries.

They were simple little things that looks inconsequential yet they are potent enough to change the atmosphere of the home.

We have not listed them in the order of superiority.

I hope this will encourage you to use the simple things to make your home a place of laughter, joy and rest.

God bless you.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage.

LESSON ONE

IT'S THE LITTLE THINGS THAT COUNT

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I have always thought that if I do something very special for my wife today, then she will keep appreciating me for the next 30 days.

I always thought if I can do one major good thing in a month, 12 major good things in a year, then I will be a fantastic and romantic husband.

This was a big error and I was wrong.

My wife will simply forget all my gallant expensive actions if I fail to be there for her in the little things. Sometimes she wonders why I wasted my time on the big things when there are many little things to be done.

Since I changed from targeting big things to ensuring I show her an act of kindness every day, our marriage had become sweeter.

So one of the major lessons I learnt is that, the little little help, thoughtfulness, daily signs that let her know I care is more important than mega projects done once in a while.

I have learnt to appreciate things that are just ordinary. E.g I appreciate her for waking me up, for sitting next to me, for closing the door, etc, these are just ordinary daily routine but I learnt that forming the habit of appreciation makes the atmosphere lively and loving.

HER VIEW��‍�
I used to pride myself as a wife that doesn't demand much and can be easily pleased and as such, i thought i can't have issues with my husband in that area.

Oh boy! How wrong was I!

I discovered I practically have tons of needs/expectations from my husband as i become more and more dependent on him.

And then he comes with one BIG surprise to wow me and that will be all �
At times, those spontaneous gifts may not be what i needed as at that time, it may just be a comforting cuddle after having a bad day with a customer or relieving me of some situations I'm clueless/tired about.

This makes me yell out in frustration at his insensitivity.

In his view, i wasn't grateful.

Then I learnt to thank him for his own kind of goodness and nudge his attention to the specific area where I needed his help, not by nagging but with love.

Cooking that meal is wonderful, but it's a waste if it's not served with love.

Buying him gifts is wonderful but treating him with respect on a daily basis and making him feel like the head he is, has more benefits.

Doing so much for him behind his back is commendable but also discuss it with him with love.

Communicating your little appreciation everyday is far better than waiting for your wedding anniversary to write him a poem in the sky.

It's actually the little things that makes the home a place of peace, joy and rest.

Any questions? please ask and we would be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON TWO

MY SPOUSE WILL NEVER BECOME ME

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I have always thought that because the Bible says we will become one, that this means after some years in marriage, my wife will eventually start reasoning exactly like a man and see things from the view of a man

I thought I just have to argue her into submission and after a while she will start reasoning the same way I reason.

I was wrong.

We used to quarrel over movies, imagine we are watching a movie where a man pushed his very abusive wife. I would comment on why the woman brought it upon herself because her mouth can't be controlled. My wife will now school me on how the woman was pushed to the wall, from the movie she already has over 10 scenarios of what the man did, she had analysed the characters far more deeper than I.

I would get angry that she's taking the movie too seriously and she would simply tell me I am behaving like the man in the movie which will make me more angry.

Then another quarrel will start. �

Ohh, I feel ashamed for the years wasted in unnecessary anger because my wife is a woman and she will always think and react to issues as a woman. That's just the fact.

Today I have learnt to enjoy her view, I have learnt so much from her view point and though sometimes I still wonder how the female mind works, but it's actually deep and beautiful.

Do we still agree on all issues, definitely not!!! but I don't get angry anymore, rather I am amused at how differently a man thinks from a woman.

I have learnt to stop trying to make my wife become a man. I have learnt to enjoy her sweet womanhood.

Of course there are times when she says exactly what I am thinking in my heart. For those days we celebrate our oneness

For those days when she has a totally different opinion or view, I have learnt to listen to her because two good heads are always better than one.

HER VIEW��‍�
I can be very emotional and passionate about issues but my husband usually comes in with his own logical reasoning.

This made me to wonder why I ended up with such an emotionless man. A man who can't see things from the view of women.

There had been issues that I expected him to come in ' hot ' and support my view.

Alas, it is not so.

Until it dawned on me that our opinions on issues will differ cus we are wired differently and I'm married to a man and not a man-woman.

Meanwhile, emotions has led me to take some irrational decisions which I've regretted of, so I've come to draw from his logical and calm explanations especially in areas that has to do with the business and children.

I've also learnt and accepted the fact that our viewpoints on some issues may never be the same and heaven doesn't have to fall because of that.

I have learnt to draw from his view point on issues, this gives me a wider view and this helps me make better decisions. This is just as the Bible advised that in the multitude of counsel, there is safety.

We shouldn't see our different views as war, rather we should see it as an asset.

Any questions? please ask and we would be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON THREE

BEING HEAD DOESN'T MEAN BEING THE CONTROLLER

HIS VIEW ��‍�
When we newly wedded, I took my position as the head of the family very seriously. I mean for the first time I have sole authority over another person.

I wanted to be the final voice and my will should be carried out without any resistance. Didn't the marriage counselor tell me I was king?

The only key message I heard from marriage seminar was that she must submit to me. I was doing everything to enforce that submission.

I was totally wrong.

I made so many mistakes, lost so much money, led us many times into the ditch and I started losing the respect my wife had for me.

I started hearing my wife say, didn't I warn you?

Instead of me to calm down and listen, I tried to proof I am a smart man and got us into more trouble.

Now I have learnt that one of the best qualities of a leader or head, is to identify strengths of your team members and utilize their strengths.

No human is perfect, no man is perfect, by our nature, most men are not really patient but most women are.

So I have learnt to trust my wife to take the lead in areas where she is stronger.

I have learnt to encourage her to become her best in places where she is better than I. I rely on her abilities to help the family.

I have learnt that the best husbands know how to submit to their wives superior reasoning.

I have learnt that, letting her take charge where she is better won't kill me, it won't reduce me as the head of the home.

Honestly, many times, when I allow her take charge, I am surprised at how Versatile she is.

I would never had known her depth of strength if I didn't let her lead.

HER VIEW��‍�

I AM AN HELPMEET NOT THE DIRECTOR

Oh, how i kicked against his headship and assumed the position of the head without being voted for.

In my own right, he had lost the position cus he had taken numerous wrong decisions that had left us high and dry.

You can guess the resulting effect, he started withdrawing from me and became a shadow of himself.

I lost my man and my friend.
I realised I prefer the bubbling and playful side of him and also that we are in the mess together and not the right time to cast blame.

By and large, I made my support and allegiance known to him. I made him to trust me that I am in his side.

He became better in carrying me along with his plans.

Did the issues we passed through suddenly stop?
Of course not!

I had to fight the urge of spewing out my feelings as I usually do before.
Ohhh, many times I bite my tongue in refraining from uttering hurtful words to him.

Over the years, I've learnt how to refine and be matured about the way I present my advice to him.

Oh, I was a very blunt wife in those days when I'm presenting my suggestions and advices and naturally the man in him will kick against it even though my suggestion was a wonderful one �

Presently, my husband has also learnt how to manage my once in a while bluntness �

Its also important that I add this- I've learnt to also employ the help of BIG DADDY (GOD) when my gentle and demure tactics isn't working.
In most cases, God takes it up for me once I talk to him about my husband and when GOD doesn't, I accept the fact that it's a NO from him and drop the issue.

If we woman wants a man that does everything we want, we should have married a doll. The spice of life is that you will win some and lose some. This also applies to marriage.

I have learnt to enjoy the times I have been able to make changes and to gracefully accept the ones I was not able to do.

I have learnt that I am the help meet, not the director

Any questions? Please ask and we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON FOUR

NO MATTER WHO I AM OUTSIDE, I'M JUST HER LOVER AT HOME

HIS VIEW ��‍�

While I was in full time employment, I was head of department in many organisations and naturally those working for me would respect me and act on my words without question.

I naturally expected this to also happen at home, I started carrying my position home. I expected my wife at home to respond to me almost like they do in the office

It was never so because that was a wrong assumption.

When my office day is rough, I would extend the roughness to my home and everyone will be miserable.

Unfortunately at a time, I was working with a very annoying, ever complaining boss. So my days were always edgy and I transferred it home to my family especially my wife.

I thought she was the problem so I got myself some side chick. This made things grow from bad to worse quickly.

I became stressed and sickly, because peace was missing in the only place where I needed it most. The home.

My wife was no more my best friend. Since her husband was not available to talk to, she got herself other people to talk to.

One day I got home and saw my wife chatting with someone on her phone, she was laughing and beaming with joy.

I was angry as usual, how dare she laugh when my day was stressful in the office, but my wife was just enjoying her world.

That night I didn't sleep, I patiently waited for her to sleep and for the first time in our marriage I sneaked to check her phone.

What I saw made me change my attitude.

She was in discussions daily with an elderly Christian man who I know. The man knows more about my wife's day than I.

Of course the discussion were very pure and churchy with many prayers but I was not comfortable with another person knowing more about my wife than I.

My wife was even planning on going to visit the man and his wife and they all felt it's dangerous to tell me. Have I become a monster? Unfortunately, that answer was Yes. They were all right. I was a dark, slim monster. �

I discovered that I was the major topic of their discussions. I was destroying my home with my transferred aggression.

An old time friend of my wife was also chatting her up, she was innocently trying to advice him but the guy was not innocent. As a man I was able to read his intentions (probably jealousy made me read the wrong meaning then).

I became alarmed. I was destroying the greatest friendship God gave to man, the friendship with my wife.

We were living in the same house, we talk about every other thing, but we don't talk about us, we were not playing, no daily fun.

I was also a stranger to my children.

I won't wait until a sweet talking man find out that my wife was lonely and he snatches her from me.

I broke off my extramarital affairs, then made my wife my project. Lover mode activated.

I vowed to make her laugh always, to spend and be spent for her. I ensure I have a gift for her no matter how small. It might just be biscuit or gums.

She saw the changes and was her happy self once again.

I had to become the clown of the house, the everyone's guy. The house became a lovers den.

My day in the office started getting better, the joy from the night at home carried me to the office. I was able to face my ever demanding boss better.

Instead of queries I started getting praises and I ended up with a promotion within a year.

I have learnt that the home is not a place for me to implement my office ideas.

I have learnt to drop my office stress at the office and become her lover at home.

I have learnt that success in the bedroom means success in the office boardroom.

I have learnt never to transfer aggression to my family especially my wife.

***************

When God called me to serve as a minister in his vineyard and when the miraculous started happening, I was expecting my wife to start treating me like a special priest. At a point I wanted to start acting like Elijah because I thought I carry fire.

All my fire worked outside but failed to work inside.

The decree was working very well for demons but not working for my wife

I was having the wrong approach.

The position I have outside the house was given to me outside the house and should stay outside the house.

At home I should just be a lover of my wife and not a pastor or a general manager or a director or a messenger.

I left my position at the office and become a regular guy at home. I remove the other hat and put on the lover hat when I am at home.

I can't run my home like a company or an hospital or a church.

A home is a place for lovers. So I have learnt to never forget to be a lover in my home.

After I had conquered my error, my wife started her business, it became successful and she fell into almost the same trap as I did.

Read her version below

HER VIEW��‍�

NO MATTER HOW HARD MY DAY OUTSIDE THE HOME IS, I'M JUST HIS LOVER AT HOME

I used to joke that 24hours isn't enough for me, i don't mind additional 24hours. Lol

A woman's day can be demanding and tasking, leaving a very poor residual for the family.

Such is my case.

After dealing with so many people in my business during the day, I previously retire home a snappy, irritant and grumpy woman.

It wasn't helping us.

Some vital information were skipped as we didn't have the time to talk.

I was missing our cosy and bonding chats at the evening time.

We were drifting apart and I was missing 'us'.

Hian, reseting mode activated.
Did a little adjustment at my store to ensure my movements were reduced while I sit most of the times to attend to people.

I stopped trying to save the world by worrying for tomorrow. I take each day as it comes.

I allowed my husband and children assist me even if they won't do it the exact way I would have loved. Perfection needed to be sacrificed for family love.

Resetting my daily routine relieved me of stress and made me set a playful tone for each evening.

We've learnt that the bonding time has strengthen the cords of love between us and shouldn't be neglected.

We've learnt that a joyful evening is non negotiable.

We've learnt that children are more open and receptive when they enjoy a happy home.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON FIVE

MONEY IS NOT THE MAJOR FACTOR

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I have always thought that if I make more money, the marriage will be sweeter. If I made more money, my wife will respect me more, if I display more money, my words will carry more weight in the house.

I was told by my fellow men that the only language a woman knows is money.

I was very disillusioned and wrong.

I have learnt that though money is key in marriage, money is not the major item in a successful marriage.

I have gone through ups and downs in my few years of marriage and the toughest times weren't when I didn't have money.

The toughest times were when there was no trust, love and understanding.

The presence of money nor the absence of money had little impact on our joy when there is trust, love and understanding.

Money had been overrated and a lot of men keep chasing more money yet they are losing the true joy of marriage.

If you give a woman money with no trust, love and understanding, she will collect it because she has no choice but that doesn't mean she's happy.

If you give a woman money with enough trust, love and understanding you get the best out of her.

In times of little cash, if there is enough trust, love and understanding, you will have a very understanding and supportive wife

I have learnt to ensure that I put my wife first before money.

I have learnt that as long as there is love in the house, every other issue can be dealt with.

HER VIEW��‍�

At the inception of the marriage, my view is that money can solve any problem.
Once money is rolling in, no problem.

We used to have a neighbor, whenever the wife catches her husband in adultery, he bribes her, as soon as money changes hands the woman will possess a forgiving heart immediately. Lol

Then something drastic happened that changed my opinion on money.

MONEY caused a problem money couldn't solve.

Money lost its importance and relevance to us.

We learnt the hard way of walking in trust, understanding and love.

Money is no longer a factor in our marital joy especially after we learnt to live on faith.

I have learnt to live by faith and no more by cash

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON SIX

I CAN'T CHANGE MY SPOUSE BY PREACHING.

HIS VIEW ��‍�
You know how easy it is to carry Bible and preach to people to let them see how wrong their actions were, using Bible verses to show them you are right and they are wrong

It doesn't work the way it sounds in marriage.

In my case, it has failed woefully.

My wife can sit with me as we do Bible study for hours, but if I want to use the Bible to win personal discussions, it fails.

Her statement is usually that I should show her an example through my own life. Don't preach to me, show me, lead me as the head, be the example.

It's more difficult to show example than to preach. I have been forced to show example rather than preach.

Today my wife had picked many things from my example without me preaching or complaining.

If I want her to start doing something, all I need to do is show example no matter how long it takes to make her notice what I'm doing. Then I must continue doing it and not stop. If I stop, she stops too.

Like I said previously, showing example is far harder than preaching, but showing examples makes you grow personally.

Sometimes within days she follows my example but sometimes it takes years for her to follow my example. I must be patient.

And when she finally follows my example, I must keep being a better example so she can grow. This also makes me grow. At the end we both grow.

I have learnt to stop trying to change my wife but to become the change I want her to be.

I have learnt that this helps both of us to grow better and delivers us from hypocrisy.

I have learnt that showing her what I want from her also helps me not to ask for unrealistic and unreasonable things.

She follows me to every marriage counseling program that we are invited to, she is also in every marriage group we lead. I am not permitted to teach anything I can't do personally. She monitors to ensure that what I teach is what I do.

This was very difficult for me at the beginning, but I thank God that God designed marriage so that your spouse can help you to meet God's standards.

HER VIEW��‍�

Submission means following my husband, so I follow his leading even those days when he was only going to church but yet to be really born again. I kept hoping that one day God will touch him.

Then God touched him and he was hungry for God, finally my opportunity to help him become better came.

I refused to listen to bedroom preaching, I told him I will only accept his teaching if I see it in his life.

He loves going to marriage seminars at peace House Ogbomoso, I always tell him if he doesn't do what was taught, I won't follow him next year.

My duty as a wife is not to tear down his ministry because of his inadequacies, my duty is to challenge him to be his best.

When God led us to create marriage groups or whenever he is writing marriage novel, I do tell him, you cannot teach what you cannot do at home.

This helped him to stop preaching by words but preaching by his everyday actions.

This helped me to have a living example in the house.

I have learnt that when God touches your husband, he will become your example in the home.

I've learnt to lovingly challenge my husband to be better in Christ so I can be better too.

I've learnt that God really answers prayers of a wife who isn't asking God to win her husband for selfish reasons but who prays so that God can have her husband to Himself.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON SEVEN

I WON'T DIE BY SAYING I AM SORRY OR WASHING UNDIES

HIS VIEW ��‍�
At the early years of marriage, I feel embarrassed to say I am sorry, it's as if I will be taken for a fool if I say I am sorry.

I found it easier to say I'm sorry to others but very difficult to say I'm sorry to my own wife.

I have also heard that it's only men who's destiny had been tampered with that wash undies for their wife.

Rather than say sorry, I would scatter everything, not eat the food and stay out late. Oh I'm ashamed of my childish actions those years.

I later discovered I was wrong, those friends were wrong and I was destroying my marriage.

I also spoilt a lovely lady because I taught my wife to stop saying sorry too.

As soon as she discovered that I would argue instead of an apology, she too would argue instead of an apology.

A marriage of two arguers. A waiting time bomb.

I was wasting lovely moments all because I was too proud to say I was sorry.

Then she changed and always said she's sorry. There was no one to fight again.

It's only a mad man that fights a woman who is sorry.

Now we started another competition, the first to say sorry. �

Over the years I have learnt that I won't die if I say sorry.

I won't lose anything by admitting I was wrong and she's right.

The earth won't stop rotating if I go on my kneels and tell her I'm sorry.

I have also learnt that cloth is cloth, undies is cloth, if I can help her to wash a T-shirt then I can wash an underwear or panties. They are all clothing and it's foolish to glorify one and mystify the other.

I have learnt to stop being childish and living my life to please others.

If I need to wash and I find any undies of my wife, I have learnt to wash them with joy.

All clothes are clothes. Simple

I have learnt to say I am sorry even when I am not wrong, this makes my wife respect me and it settles any misunderstanding so that the devil cannot come into my home.

I have learnt that the more humble I became in the marriage, the more respected I become both home and abroad.

HER VIEW��‍�

I have been a friend to him for 6 years before we got married. We used to argue a lot as friends and when we got married we continued our argument.

I initially used to apologized if he says I'm wrong but after a while I stopped because I felt he was taking me for a ride.

Things got very bad quickly in those days.

I was not only losing, I was emotionally drained and fed up.

Men can be very stubborn.

After losing many battles and beginning to have a constant chest pain, I had to look for another way to solve these incessant quarrels.

I had to calm down and simply play the "fool" for the sake of peace in the home, then God started fighting for me.

I learnt that as long as I play the submissive wife God fights.

I remember vividly few months ago, he was wrong but he thought he was right and I didn't argue. The next morning in the place of prayer, God scolded him that he should come to apologize. Sweet effortless victory.

I have learnt to remain humble because God only fights for the humble.

I have learnt that if a wife truly becomes submissive in marriage, her husband will also become submissive.

I have learnt that submission is the job description of the woman.

I have learnt to kneel before my husband anywhere, anytime and apologize. I won't die by apologizing to my own husband.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON EIGHT

MARRIAGE IS COLLECTION OF SWEET MEMORIES

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I had always wondered how boring the marriage will be after 10 years of staying with the same person. We would have discussed everything to discuss and we would probably be bored.

I was wrong, marriage can be very exciting with new experiences daily.

Marriage is a continuous creation of happy memories together.

There are millions of things you can do as a couple to spice up your marriage.

Cooking the same kind of meals can be boring, try other recipes.

Park if the traffic is too much, bring out your phone and watch a movie together.

Buy ground nuts to replace popcorn, switch off all the lights, watch a movie.

Unplug all electronics, hide all phones, play cards, ludo, hide and seek.

I have learnt that we should loosen up and enjoy our moments together, even the over salty meal, the burnt experimental bread, the funny looking rice are sweet memories.

If power finishes, get candles and have a candle night.

I remember the first time my wife was to make pizza, she had done everything right till the oven part, that faithful day the oven refused to work. She had to improvise using the microwave. We had the softest pizza in history�. Today it's a sweet memory. We ate those funny looking pizza as if our life depends on it.

I have learnt that disappointments can become another sweet memory.

My wife warned me about the extra tire, but I didn't listen, on our way out, we had a flat tire and we had to look for a place to repair the tire. I worked on the tire alone, I couldn't ask for her help for obvious reasons. I was warned but I didn't listen.

By the time I came back from the vulcanizer, there was a little party going on in the car between my wife and children, they all came to hug me and helped me finish the tire works.

My wife had the right to nag me for not listening to her, she had the right to tell the children that their father failed, but on that day, she converted the bad situation into a sweet memory.

Though we were stuck on the road with flat tire, it became our on road party, in car love feast and a playful sweet memory.

The last time we passed that same road, we had sweet memories.

When marriage gives you lemon, convert it to lemonade.

I have learnt that phones and laptops are one of the greatest enemies of sweet memories at home.

I have learnt that the phone can become a rival for your wife and children.

I am now working on doing as much as I can do when I am alone then putting down my phone when I am with my wife and family.

Have I met the expectation of my wife as regards my use of phone? No, but I am no more giving excuses or trying to cover up.

I have accepted the challenge to ensure I use my phones wisely so that they do not block our times together.

HER VIEW��‍�

Initially I wanted to correct my husband on many things, I felt as the help meet, I must push him to meet certain standards.

This generated much quarrels, he says I wanted to control him by force.

He bluntly told me he wanted a wife and not a mummy.

We started having bad memories because that's what we created.

This was not the type of marriage I dreamt about.

I had to accept my husband for who he is, his strengths and his flaws.

Instead of complaining or reporting him, I simply learnt to support him and cover the errors.

Whenever I'm tempted to get angry especially due to his care free attitude, I remind myself of the good times we have had and his pure intentions.

I stop allowing the Devil remind me of the ugly past. This help me to work together with him to create fun moments everyday, every opportunity.

Afterall we both can determine how interesting we want our marriage to be.

He is yet to meet up with our targets on phone use, he had a lot of excuse in the past but I'm still hopeful for a better result.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON NINE

THE MORE I LOVE GOD, THE MORE I LOVE MY WIFE

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I used to have many points against my wife. I had a list of her weaknesses and things I wanted her to improve on. I had a goal that she must accomplish and because she was not measuring up to the idol I created in my heart, I was getting frustrated with her.

I was giving myself unnecessary tension and I was wrong in my approach.

Later I started getting closer to God and started loving God the more.

In order to love God, I must forgive everyone in advance including my wife.

The more I love God, the more I love everything created or given to me by God. This includes my wife.

The more I got closer to God, the more my spiritual eyes opened up, the more I discovered I married a beauty queen.

The more I surrendered to God, the more I find it easy to submit to my own wife.

The more I fellowship with God the more I get ideas to make my marriage better.

I have learnt that only true children of God can have the best marriages.

I have learnt that the God factor in marriage is the major ingredient for a happy home.

Simply put, Jesus is the foundation of a happy marriage.

I have learnt that there are hidden beauties that our ordinary eyes can't catch unless God open our spiritual eyes to see.

Truly my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world based on my spiritual eye's view.

The more I am exposed to the word of God, the more I am exposed to God's investment in my wife.

I have learnt that, it's only men who don't know God that will treat women as second class citizens.

I have learnt that a man can be a senior pastor, but if he cannot treat his wife right, he is yet to truly know God

HER VIEW��‍�
I used to love my husband very much at the beginning of our marriage, I guess the lovewine was very intoxicating at the beginning for most homes. But then fights, arguement, quarrels and misunderstanding and the likes dried it off in a jiffy.

Many times we've been at the point of quitting and seperation.

Then we were both invited to Revival Labours at Ogbomoso for a couple's clinic.

Our attention started shifting from ourselves to God.

Over the years, I began to know God more intimately than before and started loving my discoveries about him.

Then God showed me the true meaning of love, His own kind of love, the love God had for me even when I was in my mess.

It was expository for me. Quite different from the love I used to know.

This love taught me how to love my husband just the way he is, I stopped nagging at him(I wonder how he survive my years of nagging and complaining cus I can nag a dead man to back life �

The more I submit to true teachings of the Gospel, the more I find it easy to submit to my husband.

I have learnt that a true Christian woman is a very submissive wife.

I have learnt that to have peace in my marriage, I must give Jesus, the prince of peace opportunity to first work in me then in my spouse.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON TEN

HOUSE CHORES IS A KILLER

HIS VIEW ��‍�
Ahhh I had always thought that the woman should do house chores because the work in the house isn't much.

I thought that because I am yet to build a fortress or 5 plots mansion, the work in the house shouldn't be that tasking.

I was emphatically wrong.

Gosh, house chores never finishes, especially when you have children.

Seems there are demons sent to scatter the house regularly.

I work as a financial consultant, so my time is more flexible, while my wife's business requires leaving early and coming back late, this makes me the candidate for house chores and I finally saw what my wife faces.

HOUSE CHORES CAN KILL. Take it from me as a fact. I have been there.

House chores is not the duty of the wife alone or the duty of the children alone.

Actually I am the head of the house and the head of the house chores, my wife is my help meet to help me meet the house chores I can't meet alone.

I have learnt that my wife is not my slave and I am not her slave either.

I have learnt that we didn't give birth to children to convert them to slaves.

I have learnt that house chores is our collective duty as a couple. I did my bit and she helps meet the one I can't do.

Both of us must do house chores based on our area of specialty.

I'm good at washing plates, running the washing machine and sweeping so I help more at that. I hate moping with passion so that's my wife's bit.

With the children around, we train them to do house chores, but you know they can't be as good as adults.

Sometimes we chase our children away so that we can have some top notch discussion while we do our house chores.

We both hate ironing, so I have no choice but to become the Ironing guy.

I have learnt that if we both work on the house chores, we would both finish early and have time to gist.

Doing house chores together creates bonds and relieves stress to only one partner.

HER VIEW��‍�
I hate house chores will perfect hatred.
Gosh!
At the early days of our marriage, my husband used to wonder what's d noise on house chores all about.

I used to get mad at him then for making light of my works in the house.

I was short tempered and it robbed me of giving my best to the family.

Later I started requesting for little helps from hubby and gradually we've been able to baptised him into full house chores.

Now, he has learnt how to make many good snacks for the family.

I always ensure I have flour at home cus you never can tell what the spirit will lead hubby to make �

At times, it will be only hubby and I in the kitchen doing "aproko"(silent gossip) in the middle of the night while the children are sleeping before matching to the bedroom to finish our discussion.

How we finish our discussion?
Don't ask me �

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON ELEVEN

SEX IS NOT WAR & SEX WITH ONE PARTNER IS THE SWEETEST.

HIS VIEW ��‍�
The more the merrier was a theory I read in a useless magazine. I also read somewhere that variety is the spice of life.

What a brutal lie. They were wrong.

Being with one partner means you can invest time in knowing that person sexually.

You have easy access to find out the different sexual weak points and strong points of that person.

Then you can begin to enjoy this great knowledge from your many experiments.

I have learnt that sex is a communication tool in marriage.

I have learnt that sex can lead to the end of many quarrels.

I have learnt that sex cures many illness.

I have learnt that if you always look out for the satisfaction of your spouse everytime, your spouse will always be available for you.

I have learnt that if you always wait for your wife to reach Jerusalem before you, she will always be ready for you anytime, any day.

I have learnt that sex does not start with intercourse but with playfulness, exchange of love messages, romance and pre-intimacy.

I have learnt that sex can also be spiritual, you can pray for your spouse even during intercourse.

HER VIEW��‍�

Sex is a topic many people shy away from yet it forms the basis of many fights in the homes.

Those romance novels I read as a young lady like Mills and Boon, Harlequin etc, were just friction and doesn't apply in the real world.

There was a time I google "sensitive parts of a man that turns him on", lo and behold, my husband refused to be turned on as I was experimenting what I've learnt, he didn't know about this, he is just getting to know as he is reading this right now �.

As my husband refused to be turned on, I went on a journey of self discovery �.

I've learnt that sexual fulfilment comes from the in-depth study and exploration of each other bodies.

I have learnt that, like every other aspects of marriage, you and your partner design how your sex life should be.

I have learnt that what works for my marriage is what we created together not what someone else said.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON TWELVE

CHILDREN HAVE AN AGENDA

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I actually see children as little cute babies. They will always be beautiful and we can always go to various playground and have lovely timeouts all year round.

That was a fantasy. Children have a secret agenda.

Their agenda is to get as much love and attention as possible.

They don't mind if they rob both of you of couples time.

They come with an entitlement mentality that they must have as much attention as they can get from both of you.

I have learnt to give my children as much attention as I can give and not as they want.

I have learnt to ensure my spouse isn't starved of my attention.

If I stay in the room for over an hour, my children will look for one excuse or the other to knock, just to get attention.

I have learnt not to allow children divide up my union with my wife.

I have learnt to put my spouse before my children.

My children will leave me one day to their own homes, there must not be a gap between myself and my spouse.

I have learnt to ensure the order of the home is kept. My wife first before everyone else.

HER VIEW��‍�
Those adorable darlings as wonderful as they are, at times they are like thorns in my flesh.

Imagine them competing with me for hubby's attention �.

As much as I allow them have their own moments with hubby, they will still want to monopolize him which they succeeded to do for a while, especially when I come back home tired and grumpy.

For a while in the past, I started feeling left out of some playful gist.

I quickly changed my strategy, won't allow anyone, including children steal the full attention of my hubby.

I am his first child and I must play my role very well.

I won't let him rest o, if my head is not on his laps then I am playfully asking him to back me or I am sitting on his legs just as my children will do.

Then our water fights that I always win because he hates water.

It is now a common knowledge that mummy and daddy plays a lot and naturally the children joins.

Instead of children tearing us apart, they now join in our plays.

I am quietly teaching my children at the same time that marriage is not war.

I have learnt that you can be playful best friends no matter
the age.

Do you have any questions, please ask and we would be willing to clarify

Written by Joke and Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON THIRTEEN

MY SPOUSE IS NOT THEIR SPOUSE

HIS VIEW ��‍�
I have read stories of women who built massive business empires from nothing or those that can cook every food under the sun or women who bought cars for their husband. Hmmmm, nice stories.

I have read of perfectly built women with figure eight. Women with blue eyes, pointed nose, no pimples, no stretch marks, who remain slim all the days of their life even after childbirth.... Congratulations to their husband.

I would be a very big fool, if I use any of the stories I read to judge my wife.

If I judge her by these, then I must be judged too by the stories of men who had more money than their wives can spend.

If I judge her by the beauty standards of others, then I must have eight packs in my abdomen, I must be more handsome than a cartoon character, I must be able to make ladies faint just by my smiles or by my kiss wake up a dead beauty just like we read in those childish romance novels.

I guess by now you find it ridiculous.

This is how ridiculous we men sound when we compare our wives with other women�

I have learnt that my wife is currently the best she could have become based on the choices she had to make.

Comparing her with other women will be tantamount to comparing yam and tomatoes.

Expecting my wife to behave like other women out there will be very foolish.

I can't buy a Toyota and be expecting it to behave like Honda.

I have learnt to stop trying to compare my spouse with other spouses.

I have learnt to encourage her to be the best God created her to be.

I have also learnt that my wife is my wife. Not our wife.

She is my personal, one and only wife. She is not the wife of my friends or the wife of my family.

She is not the wife of my son.

In my family, she is a daughter and however my parents and siblings want to treat my sister is the same treatment you give my wife.

My wife is not the wife of church ministers or wife of visiting minister.

Her allegiance is to me first and me alone.

In the same vein, I am not our husband.

Never expect me to treat you better than my wife. Even if you are our visitor, my wife still comes first.

I have learnt that when life turbulent storms comes, the only person who suffers it most is your wife followed by your children and good parents.

I have learnt that siblings will disappear when the challenges get tough but your wife has nowhere to go.

I have learnt to open up to the one person who we either swim or we sink together.

I have learnt that my wife comes before my siblings because my wife and I are one.

I have learnt that my wife is my wife and not our wife.

HER VIEW��‍�

One of the mistakes I made at the earliest times of our marriage is COMPARISON.

Meeting other young couples made me compare him with them. Seeing the qualities I would have loved my husband to possess in other husbands made me to start ranting to him.

I will tell him in no small terms of how daddy this and daddy that are behaving.

I wanted to doctor him until he becomes somebody else �

I remember in those days during our heated arguments, my mouth is always so sharp in listing and enumerating the goodies in other husbands, I was even angry at him for not getting fat like other married men, after years of cooking his meals �

What are the lessons I learnt?

I'm married to FEMI OLUYAMOJU and not my friend's/neighbour's husbands.

After all, I loved him just the way he was, enough to get married to him.

I've come to appreciate the goodies he bagged which are rare in others. I tell you in all sincerity, they are numerous.

I wouldn't want to trade it for anything in the world. The more I appreciate him, the better he becomes daily.

I've learnt that most things I was coveting in others were just mirage.

Complains from my friends about their husbands quickly reset my brain.

I've learnt there is blessedness and joy in CONTENTMENT.

Do you have any questions? Please ask and we would be willing to clarify.

Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

LESSON FOURTEEN

THERE IS ALWAYS ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT NEVER GIVE UP ON YOURSELF OR YOUR PARTNER

HIS VIEW ��‍�
Those days when we argue, shout at one another, then settle after one day, I thought that was the best we could achieve because we used to keep malice for 3 days before.

Today God has improved us to the level of not keeping malice again.

Yet God tells us that His standards are that you forgive your spouse before they offend you.

God's standard is that a couple will have no reason to get angry 365 days a year because they will forgive and let go... If you are not yet at that level, there are still lot of rooms for improvements.

I used to think doing laundry once in a month was wonderful, today I discover that I can do it alone for weeks and I enjoy it because there's room for improvement.

If the men who created the car didn't improve on it, we will still be using wooden cars.

If the men who designed the phone didn't improve, we would still be using Nokia 3310.

I have learnt that if you are not improving in your marriage, then you are reducing.

I have learnt that the more you invest in your marriage, the better your marriage becomes.

I have learnt that if I improve myself and stop giving excuses for my shortcomings, my marriage will be better.

I have learnt never to become familiar with my partner but to seek ways to understand her better.

I have learnt that understanding my wife 100% is a future impossible tense. I keep learning everyday about her.

I have learnt that studying my wife is a life long university that I probably won't graduate from till death do us part.

I have learnt to improve my relationship with her so that one day, if the Lord tarries, we would celebrate 70 years of the sweetest, memorable, fun filled marriage to my best friend ever.

The journey to 70 years of sweet marriage starts with making today better than yesterday.

HER VIEW��‍�

I was once told that if something is not good enough, don't complain, don't murmur, don't turn back, simply work on it to make it better.

This saying can't be more true for marriages. There is always a part to improve for a better tomorrow.

In the past, my husband complains that I don't know how to talk to him, I usually don't think my thoughts through before speaking. This means what I will say might not be what I really meant.

Over time I kept working on this, for years I kept trying many methods just to get it right.

At a point I was exasperated, it seems no matter how I talk, no matter the style I use, this man will just never agree that I said it right.

When I got tired I took it to God in prayer.

Honestly today, I didn't know when I really improved but it's been a very long time he complained that I didn't say it right.

This marital challenge has also improved the way I speak to others, I no longer speak at the speed of thought, I take time to pull my thoughts together.

If I had not believed that there is a chance for improvement, I would have missed the opportunity to improve.

I have learnt that if my partner still finds a constant fault in my character, then that is a pointer to the fact that that specific area of my life needs improvements.

I have learnt that you cannot stop learning in a marriage.

Do you have questions? Please ask, we will be willing to clarify

To be continued
Written by Joke & Femi Oluyamoju.

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage
CLOSING REMARKS

Writing this memoir took us down the memory lane. It made me wonder why I wasted my time fighting my wife those days.

Please don’t read our successes and ignore our struggles. We struggled, we rose and fell but the beautiful thing is that we decided to rise again with the help of Jesus. Today we have a different story.

Those issues we converted to big mountains are forgotten today, but the hurt can last forever.

Majority of the persons we met along the way, in our marital journey are no more around us, if we had allowed temporary relationships destroy our permanent marriage, we alone will bear the consequences.

We were not the best couple, I was definitely not the best husband, we had our own share of ups and downs, we had many reasons to give up, I had once gotten a divorce form, we severally decided to go our separate ways... If we had given in to the ideas of the devil, he would have stolen, killed and destroyed our marriage. John 10:10

We thank God that we persevered, we hoped that tomorrow would be better, we surrendered to Jesus, we fought for our home. Today our little success can become an encouragement to other marriages.

We are yet to attain the highest level, this one thing we do, we forget our previous achievements and focus on the highest level that God designed marriage to be.

HER VIEW��‍�
Most couples (including us) going into the marital journey were not prepared enough for marriage itself.

Wedding lasts just for a day while marriage is for a lifetime, unfortunately, focus, preparation resources and concentration are more laid on the wedding than the marriage itself.

The premarital counselling does nothing or little to prepare the couple.

Most husbands to be, had no idea of the 'love commandment' given in the bible while the woman though familiar with the word submission, does not understand the word in its true meaning.

Many homes are crumbling today because the husband find it difficult to love the wife, while the woman has no idea of how to submit to her own husband.

Many couples are not living to their full potential as they are just patching up, staying together but living separately.

Unfortunately, the world system has no solution to the marital storms brewing in many homes, rather it encourages the falling apart of the homes God painstakingly created.

We are left with no choice than to go back to manufacturer's manual- The Bible
Every correct home is a deliberate and conscious effort of the partners.

The manual has this to say to every husband and wife in Colossians 3:18-19. (MSG)

Wives, understand and support your husband.
Understand and decode his spoken and unspoken words.
Show your support by submitting to him.
Be his no 1 fan.
Subordinate and adapt to your husband.
Don't antagonize him
Don't talk him down.
He is your head, treat him well.
Husbands, be sympathetic and affectionate towards your wives.
Go all out in love for your wives. Don't take advantage of her.

The next positive story could be yours.
Give Jesus a place in your heart and in your home.
We would be glad to hear from you of how our little story encouraged you to be better.

Do you think we can help? Contact us and we would be willing to assist online or physically totally free. Jesus paid the full cost on the cross.

God bless you
Thank you for reading and stay blessed

Joke & Femi Oluyamoju
Check the foundation on Facebook for our contact details
Jokefemioluyamoju Marital Foundation
09041138139 or 07017517655

14 Lessons in 14 Years of Marriage

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https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/1056053

I have read the first three lessons and I love it. I hope the rest will be as nice as the beginning.

edited

Stopped at lesson ten. Nice write-up. Made me smile a lot. A little bit too religious for my liking but it works for the couple.

Lessons still works