I don't even know where to start from.... I'm so very sad right now I feel like dying. I think I made a wrong choice or I'm the one with the problem.

Please read till the end. I'll try to be as truthful as possible and I will deactivate after writing.

I'm a writer and I work from home. I've worked in several places before now without any success. My husband always insist that I get a full-time job even when I make 80-100k working from home. I've never made that much since I was leaving home to work for people. I've always contributed my quota to the home.

I don't want to work for anyone because of the kids. I want to save and get a side business. Hubby keeps relegating what I do like it's not a job.

I don't know why, but his mum just doesn't see anything good in me. She's said it on many occasions that no matter your level of education as a woman, it will all end in the kitchen. She always want to know everything about me from hubby and he never disappoints.

He once told her when I started writing that i wasn't earning much (which was true) and I was mad at him because she started making snide remarks about what I do whenever she has the opportunity. Hubby would even support what she says and they'd sometimes laugh together. He never tells them something good about me.

Hubby has once told me that my certificate is useless. He's also once mentioned that after building his house and anything happens to him, he'll be happy that his family (he always refers to his parents and 7 siblings as his family) will have something to share. He used his younger brother as next of kin, so I'm not surprised.

I forced him to buy the property whereas his mum says he's still young and doesn't really have need for property (he's in his mid thirties).

Before we got married....

My family betrayed me when I ought to get married to him because the first born of our home said she will have to get married first and our wedding couldn't hold as a result ( I was already pregnant). I wasn't happy about this and I told my husband how disappointed I was with what my sisters and mum did.

I thought he had my back. I thought he'd always have my back. But I was wrong. He and his mum ended up saying I must have been a terrible person for my sisters to stop me from getting married.

I have a younger sister in school. She usually comes to spend the holidays with me and take care of the kids. Last year, hubby's 4th younger brother came to live with us because hubby wants to help him with his job. He works with hubby and they come home together.

I noticed some changes when he arrived:

Hubby will be with him and they'll discuss until 11 or 12 midnight before coming to the room to meet me.

He doesn't clear his plates after eating ( when I complained, hubby would rather pack the plates himself than tell him)

He would watch whatever station his brother wants to watch and even stop my kids from watching cartoons. (Hubby didn't see anything wrong in this still)

Hubby starts putting on the gen earlier than before and put it off when the light is back. He doesn't do this before. He'd always give us time and off it without considering my little children. If I buy fuel, he'll start saying I'm becoming proud.

He always satisfies his brother and we never eat without meat (before his brother arrived, we use to eat without meat on many occasions)

I'm a very emotional person and I dislike cheating. I called my husband's attention to these things but he always replies "you nag too much. You're a very troublesome person". He says he never nags about my sister, so why should I disturb his brother?

I decided to keep quiet at this point but I wasn't happy that he was treating his brother better than I and his kids.

I spoke to him harshly one of the days his brother wasn't around after exhausting all manners of communication. I said he doesn't have sense and doesn't know how to balance things in his home. The next thing he did was to hit me and beat me up.

He called his mum and dad after this and I heard them laughing on the phone. It was a very terrible day for me. I packed a few things the next day and left the home. My mum, uncle and everyone started telling me to go back to him (after warning him against doing such next time).

Everyone were concerned about the kids. My mum told me to go back but ensure that I keep quiet and respect him and that I shouldn't cause problems between him and his siblings since he appears to love them more.

I am not happy right now. I'm very very sad. He doesn't appear to be remorseful about the whole thing even though he begged me to return. In fact, I had to tell my people that I wasn't going back until he begs me to return before he apologized. He was even laughing at me when I was leaving. Then when I got back, he said:

"I don't know what happened now that you're packing your load. I don't know who will marry someone with kids". He's always saying nobody will marry someone with kids.

My heart sank when I heard these words. He laughed as he said this. Now, I don't understand what's going on because this was a man that paid my school fees in 400 level, he was my first love, I loved him like life itself, I helped him secure his present job and he never appreciates me for that.

I always speak highly of him before my family. I respect him a lot before now but I don't even understand him anymore. He doesn't seem to care about my happiness.

Or am I being selfish? I only wanted him to do things the right way. Is it a crime to love your wife and children like you love your siblings?

His brother left after the fight and my sister never returned too (I told her not to). I don't know what he told his brother.

After the fight, his mother lied against me but I was lucky to put the call on record since it's not her first time of doing it. She said I abused her and threatened over the phone (which was all lies). She also reported me to the head of their family and my mum.

I later played the recorded call to hubby and his dad, but they still blamed me. Hubby didn't even admit that his mum was wrong. I have always known his mum doesn't like me but I never knew she could lie against me.

Now, mum is telling me to be patient and stay for my children. I have saved up over half a million and I'm starting to think of leaving to a very far place where he can not reach me and my children. He doesn't seem to bother or care about us when we left when he beat me and I'm beginning to think he doesn't value us. Although, he promised not to repeat it again.

I'm dying inside and I don't think I can take this anymore. Hubby puts me down in front of everyone like I'm a nobody. I'm an introvert. I don't talk too much but hubby is am extrovert. He keeps making me feel less of a human and I'm losing it.

He keeps blaming me for making his brother leave and he doesn't seem to understand my points at all. I believe no one is perfect but is it okay for a man to support his siblings and mum without mentioning their faults, while mentioning his wife's faults to everyone that cares to listen?

Please let me know if there's any better ways I would have handled these issues. Can I survive in this marriage? My love for him seems to be reducing by the day and I'm not emotionally balanced. I'm not happy at all and he doesn't even seem to care.

He goes about his daily business as if we don't have issues. Is it because I've never denied him sex? Is he taking me for granted? He will only apologise when he needs sex and go back to status quo. He even forces me sometimes.

I don't even know who I am anymore. Am I a bad person? I've always been the up and doing wife of the family. I'm the first wife and his mum maltreat me unlike other wives because their husbands shouts at the mum not to kill their wives. My husband doesn't care if I'm overworked, as long as it's his mum. I think I've been used and I don't worth a thing anymore. I'm dying emotionally.

I truly feel your pain. I read every thing you posted. You are not at fault at all.

Please save up and leave him asap.

Ok if this story is real...i say sorry about your situation. Find a way to turn that half a million you have into at least a million or two through good investments/businesses because you sure gonna be needing money, a lot of it to raise your kids comfortably.
When you get that done then you can walk, no one deserves an abusive relationship or marriage.
Stay strong.

Dear wife, I understand the pain and frustration you are going through. The three advice I give is
1. Be Spiritual and prayerful
2. Focus your mind on your GOD, ur health, ur business and children. Stop looking for love or acceptance from him, rather direct your minds to achieving the targets you have set for yourself
3. You need to go back to your beautiful, attractive self so work on your weight. U are too busy with responsibilities to be giving attention to moom in law or ur husband ranting. Do only ur wifely duties.

Your bond isn't in sync. You both have a communication gap between yourselves. Something I.e jobs is disrupting a good sync between you both. Of you can find and fix this, this will all be a thing of the past


I wish you well

I feel you, but I can't advice in favour of either, because you're a married woman. But what I can say is, since you're working from home and making something, to the extent you have something in savings, what you're doing is fine.

In every home, the children needs the attention of both parents. And if one side falters, they take solace in the available one. And when that happens, the available one becomes the choice, while the unavailable one becomes an option.

And I'll say it is a future bomb on the countdown.
As a mother, try as much as you can to make your kids love their father. Whatever their reaction while you do this as their mother come from them naturally. Don't force it.

Children are delicate and never forget things easily. You may think they ain't aware, but they're observing. Forget their age. Kids' mind today ain't childish anymore. They're adults in little bodies. But for your safety, avoid any fights or arguments with him.

He's still swimming in the, 'my family' mentality.
He is still within his comfort zone as he is very much used to his 'single guy lifestyle', but soon enough, he'll realize his mistake and he'll change.

You are not a bad person OP, you are only reacting like a normal person would to maltreatment and injustice.

A lot of men unfortunately don't understand what it means to be a leader after marriage, they dont understand that their families must be protected and the wife must be shown love.
I don't know why many of them become so cold blooded and cruel to their wives after marriage. I am in different facebook groups for married women and if you read some of the things the ladies write sometimes you will feel like crying for them.

I am truly sorry that you had to pass through all of this, please try to be strong. Get a hobby or something else to distract you from your husband's behaviour so you don't overthink and become depressed or develop high bp. The truth is that majority of males will NEVER understand how their insensitive actions affect their wives, males are not naturally as sympathetic and caring as females, please try to be strong and try to ignore him and his behaviour.
Only leave if you are very sure you will be able to sustain yourself and the kids and your leaving will not jeopardize their futures in anyway.

I could relate to some of what you wrote, my hubby brought his best friend to the house too and started to disregard my feelings and talk down on me in front of him just to make his friend happy, I even started a thread on Nairaland about it. That period I started to withdraw and stay in the bedroom away from both of them because I didn't want the constant putdowns and insults he is fond of insulting me whenever people are around, not just his friend. I am an introvert and he is very extroverted and good with words so he just blurts out anything he feels like and even tells lies against me because he is always talking.

I cant count how many negative things this man has said about me behind my back in the past, to family and friends. This is someone that doesnt provide for me, I have a heart condition and he knows it but keeps doing things to stress me out and leaving the bulk of housework for m even when I was very sick and weak in bed, he kept sending the children to me for me to take care of them because they were disturbing him. I dont even want to go into details of everything so I dont hijack your thread but the important thing is to make as much money as possible and save for a day or time when you may have to bail yourself. That is what I am doing currently.

I didn't say you must leave him becaue it is possible you might reconcile your differences and become lovers of each other in future but save money in case anything happens.
Save, save, save and hide your money from him because he will try to take it away if he finds out you have a lot of money. Save to provide the best life for your kids, I felt very bad when you said your hubby let's his brother change the tv station even when your kids are watching their cartoons. Aside the fact that he ought to have put his kids first, how much is television again? Some direct Belgium televisions go for as low as 23k in the market, you can save and buy for them but don't let it cause more trouble in your house.

Untill you can leave the house please look for something to do to make yourself happy, don't focus on him but focus on your kids instead and double your hustle.

Majority of women are not happy in their marriages, na bear them dey bear.

Husband's side of the story first... Una too dey like to blame even ant for everything

If there's something I've learnt in Life as a person.... Life has taught me to always hear from the other party before passing judgement and i say this without Remorse.

Unfortunately, we can't see the man's side of the story.

However, if I'm to go with all you stated here being the truth, your husband is either still a baby or is under some sort of hypnotic influence. Because I cannot understand why a man would love u real good when he didn't have much and now that he does, he's quite a shadow of himself treating u like he's doing u a favor by being Ur husband.

I am not in support of divorce because there's always a suffering party but when u become reduced to nothing in front of his so called family members and friends, it's a bad sign that he's only enduring u. You deserve to be respected. Pray for your marriage and seek divine guidance.

I wish u all the best.

Hmmmm...you sound unstable minded, like your esteem is in the basement and you couldn't coordinate yourself well.

Please improve your mind and self worth so others could see and stop treating you like a door mat. Once you get there, all other things will fall into place. Sorry about your plight.

My advice is simply.
1. Work hard and become very independent by being very successful.
2. Focus on your kids and God.
3. Take very good care of your self.
4. Don't complain, don't even talk much.
5. Watch them " die" of jealousy and curiosity

The truth is your might be a good person but you have not been a good wife. I will give you reasons when I wake up.

The problems:

You are jealous, insecure and a bit arrogant.

The circumstances surrounding you wedding - your pregnancy, rejection by your family, your perceived inlaws perception of you, made you insecure.

You are jealous of your husbands attention to his family and you are either arrogant or suffering from inferiority complex or both.

The solution:

Love and respect those whom your husband love - his family. Engage his siblings in healthy conversations. Made them your friends. Show them care and love. Sometimes join their conversation with your husband. Remember that your husband has been showing such care and love to his family long before he met you.

Work on acquiring a humble heart. Asking your brother in-law to wash his plate when you and your sister are there is example of your arrogant or inferiority complex in action. From your description of him he is not a small boy. Does your husband wash his own plates too.

If you become humble and stop thinking much of yourself you will be at peace with yourself and will be a lovely woman to both your husband and in-laws.

Your husband also needs advice but since he is not here no need to go on

You are too immature to have married In the first place, just listen to the pettiness a married woman is allowing to steal the peace in her own home.

If you husband badmouthed you, it is clearly because he is dissapointed in many things about you and you have refused to change and make adjustments.

There is nothing wrong with your job and hustle, they might feel it is small, but that works in your favour, nobody will be asking you for money. I believe it is from there you saved up 500k. Let them continue to say it is small, accept it is small and ask them for money so u can save some more. Use wisdom.

As for the sole called disparity In treatment when his brother came, that was so low for you to notice such and complain about it, when you called him such a terrible word, what did you expect..... A slap on the wrist? You got a slap on the face and expect punches next time

Summarily, madam you are exaggerating the things in your home, when you leave that marriage, in tears will you remember and see your follies in hindsight and regret leaving the marriage because you are immature.

Get mature, this is marriage and not relationship, value yourself and ur hustle, respect your husband and his interests and demand he does the same.

If you didn't heed to these here, dm me to tell u more


Peace

Based on your post, not at all.

Citing your submission, your husband is obviously a proponent and practitioner of one doing things that make one happy, thereby negating principle, which according to hypocritically disingenuous elements of Nairaland, is the best way to live life when it appeals to their sentiments or when they're the beneficiary. Self-absorption and opportunism are evil; they're relationship killers where one of the parties is sane. Ordinarily, doing what's right gives any sane person happiness in particular and fulfillment in general. So, anyone whose source of happiness and fulfillment doesn't come from doing what is right personifies evil and should be avoided by any peace-loving person.

If you've been sincerely doing what is right, then you aren't the bad person between the two of you.

Why is that man married? when clearly he isn't ready for it.

Eddygourdo:
You are too immature to have married In the first place, just listen to the pettiness a married woman is allowing to steal the peace in her own home.

If you husband badmouthed you, it is clearly because he is dissapointed in many things about you and you have refused to change and make adjustments.

There is nothing wrong with your job and hustle, they might feel it is small, but that works in your favour, nobody will be asking you for money. I believe it is from there you saved up 500k. Let them continue to say it is small, accept it is small and ask them for money so u can save some more. Use wisdom.

As for the sole called disparity In treatment when his brother came, that was so low for you to notice such and complain about it, when you called him such a terrible word, what did you expect..... A slap on the wrist? You got a slap on the face and expect punches next time

Summarily, madam you are exaggerating the things in your home, when you leave that marriage, in tears will you remember and see your follies in hindsight and regret leaving the marriage because you are immature.

Get mature, this is marriage and not relationship, value yourself and ur hustle, respect your husband and his interests and demand he does the same.

If you didn't heed to these here, dm me to tell u more


Peace

all those she wrote up there she calls complain. Oo is very immature bringing problems when there are no problems. She instigated the bad blood between them now she has to calm down and find a way to talk things over. And he the husbands apologies she should forgive and make her home a happy place.

Your husband and his family are immature.

When we say a man needs to lead his family without the involvement of his family, naive people call us wicked. This is the result. A man still taking advice from his extended family to run his own family, you call that one a man? That is a Simp

Anyway, You cant just run away with your husband all because you have a family issue, your children still need their father too.

You have to deal with him, i guess when you were dating, sex over compatibility was the main priority....just be patient with the man, act like the wife you are, do your womanly duties and be patient with him, maybe he will have sense oneday.

A broken home is not good for you, the children and the society

It's unfortunate you find yourself in such a family. You are not a bad person. I know you are reading this even though you ve deactivated your account.

What you need now is a temporal separation from him. You can't continue to raise your kids in such atmosphere. Also, you need your self esteem and sanity back, your health is more important than marriage. Get away from that house as soon as possible and let's hope with time your lost husband can re discover himself

I didn't read all but from the little I read

No matter how the love shacks never bad mouth your family members to your spouse, some are immature and will definitely use it against you and them.

Dear Op, you aren't wrong .Dont let anyone blame you .Dont let them kill your esteem. This is how women develop hbp and which if you die, your husband will marry another woman who will maltreat your kids. Your MIL can only backtrack if your husband puts her in her place. As it stands he doesn't know his duties.A mother has her place and a wife her place.

The unfortunate thing is that your immediate family that should have your back isnt being supportive so you see yourself all alone. I'm sending you hugs.

You owe yourself to be happy. Is their anything that makes you happy?Go out and meet friends or join an organisation or cell that will keep you out of the house sometimes. Come home happy, smiling, bubbly and gist with your friends and kids. If they deny your kids cartoons, buy play stuffs for them.Read kiddies books with them. Pray about your well-being and theirs and continue doing your work with joy. Pray loud, play jams, stop wallowing in self pity.

You are better than what they tell you. Should you choose to leave, save up more. I'm happy you have something doing. God will bless your efforts.

pointblank247:
My advice is simply.
1. Work hard and become very independent by being very successful.
2. Focus on your kids and God.
3. Take very good care of your self.
4. Don't complain, don't even talk much.
5. Watch them " die" of jealousy and curiosity

Best advice.

Nawa ooo

How can someone even thrive in such a setting.

I started cringing when I read they hubby and MIL make jest of your job, your hustle. Who does that? Then I read further -What kind of people are they.


Can you just do as this poster said

pointblank247:
My advice is simply.
1. Work hard and become very independent by being very successful.
2. Focus on your kids and God.
3. Take very good care of your self.
4. Don't complain, don't even talk much.
5. Watch them " die" of jealousy and curiosity

Husband's side of the story first... Una too dey like to blame even ant for everything

I understand what you are going through and it is not entirely your fault.

You both have faults but starting with you, I think you are jealous of your husband's relationship with his brother for one. It has caused you to nag. Your brother in-law noticed it and left because of it. So I will put it clearly to you that you nag rather unnecessarily.

Being introverted isn't helping you, if you were close to his brother, you will not complain but sit together, 3 of you and laugh. Be a part of what makes your husband happy not takeaway what makes him happy.

You and your husband were nqever close in the first place so his closeness to other people makes you jealous and a nagging wife, that is on him but you should know better than to nag.

From my experience, you guys are not in the same page or think alike. You view things one way and he views things another way without coming to a compromise. This means you live your lives as individuals cohabiting and having a kids. This means he is comfortable with other people in his life while you are also comfortable with your own people.

To find a solution, the problems will have to be identified especially by both of you and compromise be made .

The key is understanding and compromise.

Understanding means you have to watch your husband, pick what he likes and be part of it.

He wants to gist with his brother till 1am, crash that party, gist too, join the fun.

If his mother and brothers love you, he will love you more.

Give him what you have to give and don't demand what you expect, appreciate what you receive

From this epistle I can deduce you like trouble , can’t you keep it short and precise...

JovialJune:



Best advice.

Best advice to you but wrong in so many levels.

You don't advice a married man or woman to be independent. It's better to tell them to get a divorce than encourage them to do what will further separate them.

pointblank247:
My advice is simply.
1. Work hard and become very independent by being very successful.
2. Focus on your kids and God.
3. Take very good care of your self.
4. Don't complain, don't even talk much.
5. Watch them " die" of jealousy and curiosity

Are you married?

Am sure if someone advice your wife tobe independent, you will curse him or her.

Don't talk?

Just tell her to get a divorce, cause that's indirectly what you mean

Missis:
You are not a bad person OP, you are only reacting like a normal person would to maltreatment and injustice.

A lot of men unfortunately don't understand what it means to be a leader after marriage, they dont understand that their families must be protected and the wife must be shown love.
I don't know why many of them become so cold blooded and cruel to their wives after marriage. I am in different facebook groups for married women and if you read some of the things the ladies write sometimes you will feel like crying for them.

I am truly sorry that you had to pass through all of this, please try to be strong. Get a hobby or something else to distract you from your husband's behaviour so you don't overthink and become depressed or develop high bp. The truth is that majority of males will NEVER understand how their insensitive actions affect their wives, males are not naturally as sympathetic and caring as females, please try to be strong and try to ignore him and his behaviour.
Only leave if you are very sure you will be able to sustain yourself and the kids and your leaving will not jeopardize their futures in anyway.

I could relate to some of what you wrote, my hubby brought his best friend to the house too and started to disregard my feelings and talk down on me in front of him just to make his friend happy, I even started a thread on Nairaland about it. That period I started to withdraw and stay in the bedroom away from both of them because I didn't want the constant putdowns and insults he is fond of insulting me whenever people are around, not just his friend. I am an introvert and he is very extroverted and good with words so he just blurts out anything he feels like and even tells lies against me because he is always talking.

I cant count how many negative things this man has said about me behind my back in the past, to family and friends. This is someone that doesnt provide for me, I have a heart condition and he knows it but keeps doing things to stress me out and leaving the bulk of housework for m even when I was very sick and weak in bed, he kept sending the children to me for me to take care of them because they were disturbing him. I dont even want to go into details of everything so I dont hijack your thread but the important thing is to make as much money as possible and save for a day or time when you may have to bail yourself. That is what I am doing currently.

I didn't say you must leave him becaue it is possible you might reconcile your differences and become lovers of each other in future but save money in case anything happens.
Save, save, save and hide your money from him because he will try to take it away if he finds out you have a lot of money. Save to provide the best life for your kids, I felt very bad when you said your hubby let's his brother change the tv station even when your kids are watching their cartoons. Aside the fact that he ought to have put his kids first, how much is television again? Some direct Belgium televisions go for as low as 23k in the market, you can save and buy for them but don't let it cause more trouble in your house.

Untill you can leave the house please look for something to do to make yourself happy, don't focus on him but focus on your kids instead and double your hustle.

Majority of women are not happy in their marriages, na bear them dey bear.

When you want to get a story like this right, don't assume things that you cannot be too sure.

Are you telling me because you have been on other women groups and heard so many stories so this means these women are all maltreated by men.

It may surprise you to find out things are different from what you were told. These stories are given to you with a lot of sentiment, highly opinionated and sometimes intended to attract sympathy which the person needs as encouragement to continue in the wrong perception of their situations.

Girls are raped, boys are raped too but how many times do you hear a case of a raped boy?

Women suffer in the hands of men, men suffér in the hands of women but you get to hear one side every time without hearing the other side.

The problem is how we think of the situation.

Op came hear with a problem, our responsibility is to pick her fault and tell her how to become better. If you tell her her husband is at fault without telling her her own faults, she makes no corrections and it becomes worst.

Worst is telling her how to become worst, example telling her to hide her money. What if the husband finds out and it becomes worst for them. He provides his for the family and she hides hers, if I find out then it's not about the money, but the trust.