^^^^^^

Thank you ma sista.

It hurts when I see families being torn apart over simple things such as a lack of "visible" deference and forbearance.

It becomes a never-ending cycle. Children are scarred for life, manifesting hidden hurts in different ways.

Working a successful marriage is not an easy undertaking, but one simply prays for grace.

Have a gd week ahead.


.

[quote author=Tedpgrass]@ Leavinglon,
1) you married a culture n family when you married your husband, regardless of his previous declarations pre-marriage. This is evident given his return to "primitive" form.
.[/quote

I was aware that the Nigerian culture was 'harsh' and probably not one that I would rush to embrace as a 'foreigner' hence, prior to our marriage, we had long talks, counseling etc on how to deal with this. But I guess I was deceived; I was reassured that though he is of Nigerian decent, he did not agree with some of the culture. and given that he was born and had spent most of his life in the UK I thought I should believe. So to now hear that one marries a culture n family when they marry their husband (especially nigerian culture) is faaar more than I had bargained for.

2)[quote author=Tedpgrass]
hubby spending more time with his mum:
This can be quite tough to take on, but remember here is an OAP, if I'm allowed to use the word, who is used to being kept busy and amused by family members who take it upon themselves to visit regularly, having to keep herself busy with TV and other vagaries.... no wonder, she finds Jerry Springer amusing.
.[/quote

While I see your view and hers about watching tele, Jerry Springer etc, I must say that she needs to be mindful of the environment she is in. I love watching crime and 'adult' films [wink wink, choosing words carefully here to avoid ban from pyguru]but I would definitely not watch these when my children are around!!! You know as well as I do, that Nigerian films (except Everyday People and Meet the Adebanjos) have a consistent storyline ie witchcraft, murder, infidelity, wives who cant conceive, women acting timid around their husbands etc, husbands shouting at their wives, etc....I swear to God, that that day when she sat with my kids watching one such films and my 6 year old saw a husband stabbing his wife to death, he started crying and couldnt understand why 'a dad would do that to a mum'. Needless to say that that night was a battle as he kept waking up & coming to our room to see if everything was ok.

[quote author=Tedpgrass]
where you treat her to special things..... Let it be known in a gentle way that this is your favour, not her son's undercover favour.
.[/quote

I have stopped treating her!!!!!!!! It is hard work. Christmas gifts are often returned because she feels when she calculates the value of her gifts in Niara, it is far too much money to spend on a top, a bag, a shoe or something. And please dont think about taking her out for dinner- she insists on finding out the cost of the dinner and there she goes again, checking to see what she could have used that money to buy in Nigeria. All her kids have spoken to her about this 'behaviour' but...

[quote author=Tedpgrass]
you NEVER NEVER backchat. Not to talk of insulting an In-Law, no matter how young they may be. In some yoruba families, you can't call by name, all the male children that predates your marriage. One finds herself calling a little boy, pre-teenager, uncle bla bla...... This is simply to provide examples of this respect thingy.
.[/quote

So no back chat eh? Now, this is the very reason why I know we CANNOT live in the same house!!!! oK I dont back chat!!! If however, she says something, I respond - it is rude not to, isn't it? If she, my husband, or anyone says something complimentary, I will respond accordingly. If the opposite, I most certainly will respond accordingly.

I work with hundreds of youngsters and the ones who are often timid,have low self esteem (looking at their toes when being spoken to, keeping their mouths shut when they should open it etc) are usually those from African or caribbean decent. I once had to rescue a child from being given a detention and parents called in because he not only refused to look at his headteacher when he was being reprimanded to but also refused to answer - all in the name of 'my culture says I should not look adults in the eyes cause it appears rude and my culture says not to 'back chat' - a term which in my view,some kids misunderstand. BTW I am not implying that children should be rude. In my view and experience, this is where the culture causes our children to become 'mutes', passive with low self confidence - they then grow up into adulthood and fail to sell themselves well especially in interviews. THis is England, not answering or loooking someone in the eye is deemed as rude!!! I know it might sound that I am veering off but your back chat guide just reminds me of my MIL who often silences my kids when they try to explain one thing or the other to her. A beg, mek u nuh go deh oh!!!

[quote author=Tedpgrass]
I read with distaste, your comments about husband being made redundant and potential resulting issues

Pls let me remind you, if I'm allowed:
The success or failure of your union lies in your hands. When I read comments like yours where there is an unexpected change of financial headship, due to circumstances, and the woman gloats as you have done, it bears strange forebodings.
.[/quote

This is the best part of your post so far, in my view. But the words that really annoy me is the use of the words 'gloats' and 'distaste' but if that is how you feel, I suppose, that is how you feel
First of all, I think my humility has turned me into a naive idiot for these reasons and more:
1) the culture says that when his mum/dad dies, they need to have had a house in which they should be buried - it is money from our marital pot that is being sent to Nigeria to build this house (eventhough I am the only one working, I have never ever objected to this. I dont mind! I dont care! I love him so trust him! Dont care!!! - I certainly dont call that gloating)
2) his dad had about 100 wives. So he is now helping to care for his zillion of young siblings. iT IS money from OUR marital pot that is being sent to Nigeria for these young ones. I dont mind! I dont care! I have no objection and have never ever questioned this - I certainly dont call that gloating.
3) Eventhough I am the only one working, when filling out forms, i sometimes have to find out my monthly income because he is in total control of the finances. Silly, naive, idiotic is what I call it - not gloating!!!! My husband has a very expensive taste - the best car, the most high profile gadgets etc I am the one working, yet if I am to buy a pair of shoe, consultation must be had. I am not normally bothered by that. I swear to god, I never have. We often have a laugh about it and move one.

My friends are in total shock that I could allow this to happen!!!! Never bothered by them and their view. but maybe i should take a closer look at this because as I write, it is becoming apparent that something isn't right here... uhmm.


Tedpgrass, the culture is far too heavy for a foreigner like me to bear! While i can live with my hubby, I certainly cant live with my MIL. She is out now and I have started to move on. Thanks again for your time.
Regards
Leaving