TheRollingStone:


My first instinct was to ignore since it’s clear you’ve already made a decision and just looking for more approval but on a second thought, I don’t know who else might be reading and learning.

The fact that you think having Game is about sleeping around with different farm tools shows clearly, your ignorance on the term “Game”
What you refer as toxic masculinity is just the plain truth going down your throat and I understand it’s hard to swallow.

You clearly have no control over your ship and that explains a lot about the kind of man you are.
You have no power to control your wife on what to do and what not to.
But you have the power to check her and put her in her place when she crosses the line, the fact that you cried and begged your wife to cut off ties with another man instead of scolding her(non violently) proves you are weak and it’s disgusting to her, you are the head for a reason, you lead and she follows, the moment you start asking instead of taking, you’re no longer in charge of whatever you think you are in charge of.
Focus on yourself young man and do what’s best for you. Take it or leave it. It’s a cold world, only wolves survive out here.

My wife is a full-fledged adult with the right to do as she pleases. I do not have control over her and cannot control her agency. She's not a child to be scolded. Yes, I did have strong words with her to impress upon her the gravity of her actions but strong words only work to a point. In fact, the research shows that they very quickly become counterproductive so you dear sir have no idea what you are talking about.

I am indeed working on myself and will be stronger as a result. I just don't just buy these egotistic and toxic tropes many people keep parroting. It simply doesn't work in modern relationships, in fact I'd argue that it never really worked and just leaves men angry, depressed, and unfulfilled. For others who may be going through a similar thing to me, don't be afraid to bury your ego and think logically first before going for a divorce.

BKsoul:
OP, how did it start? Please be sincere, i don't want to believe that a woman you have been married to for good 10 years will have the guts to wake up to you to tell you how she boldly cheated on you and wants a divorce ... Something is seriously wrong.... So what is wrong Say it with all sincerity.

Of course, there's lots of history. For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. We then generally get past it and have a good marriage. This particular episode is different because it's combined with cheating. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years, so yes there's a lot of history.

Hashabiah:
[s][/s] You must be smoking something

Yea, but what you are smoking is worst than the one i smoke... Simple opinions, you have started with insults.. it very clear you are high on cow dung...

Bhus21:


Of course, there's lots of history. For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. We then generally get past it and have a good marriage. This particular episode is different because it's combined with cheating. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years, so yes there's a lot of history.

A wife has cheated and is unapologetic about it.
I see only 1 outcome here...stay with her and ...
U re now the third wheel, third wheels don't last. The choice is yours to make

Your posts show that your are a person of deep thought and one less likely to react in a reckless manner. I salute your courage and your being open like this. I’d like to think that other married men are learning from you even if they’d never admit it.

I like that you’re thinking beyond your ego to the effect of a breakup on your kids. It takes a real man to do that. People forget that there’s life after the breakup and it may not necessarily be great for both the kids and the couple. The kids did not ask to be born and they did not choose their parents’ characters / weaknesses so everything should be done to guarantee all decisions have their best interest at heart.

Ignore those describing you as simp, weak, etc. Oftentimes, it’s easy to criticize someone trying to save their relationship when you either have no relationship or what you have is worthless. Misery loves company.

I pray your marriage can be salvaged and if it doesn’t survive, at least you’ll have peace that you did your part.

Bhus21:


Of course, there's lots of history. For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. We then generally get past it and have a good marriage. This particular episode is different because it's combined with cheating. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years, so yes there's a lot of history.

***modified***

With this, it does not sound like she’s in the right emotional state right now. Even if you were to leave, I don’t think now is a good time to do so.

Bhus21:


Is my life at risk? No, unfaithful spouses do not go around killing their partners and the father to their 3 children who is the sole provider for them.

What are the risks to my wellbeing? Divorce puts me at a 90% chance of a mental disorder.

What are the odds that someone who's apparently 'out of the union' returns and re-commits to the marriage. Somewhere around 30 - 50%.

It's quite obvious what the logical thing to do is. So remove your emotions for a minute like I'm doing and think logically. Working to first salvage the marriage via therapy and counselling is the best initial course of action. Divorce is not running anywhere, it's still an option.

..
Kk

Bhus21:


Of course, there's lots of history. For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. We then generally get past it and have a good marriage. This particular episode is different because it's combined with cheating. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years, so yes there's a lot of history.

OP, your wife is not here to defend herself, but i have a feeling you are hoarding some things probably your own shortcomings, because her brothers sucide doesn't in anyway correspond with her cheating, but if i am to advise you based on your part of the story, LET HER GO, not because you want but because she boldly and clearly wants to go.. as for you and your kids, you guys would be fine, because if she dies today, you and your kids will survive.. see her like she is dead to you. My last advice to you is do not file for divorce first... Let her do it herself..

BKsoul:
OP, your wife is not here to defend herself, but i have a feeling you are hoarding some things probably your own shortcomings, because her brothers sucide doesn't in anyway correspond with her cheating, but if i am to advise you based on your part of the story, LET HER GO, not because you want but because she boldly and clearly wants to go.. as for you and your kids, you guys would be fine, because if she dies today, you and your kids will survive.. see her like she is dead to you. My last advice to you is do not file for divorce first... Let her do it herself..

Of course, I have a lot of shortcomings, I'm not going to pretend that's not the case. I've been negligent and inconsiderate many a time. Generally not deliberately and I try to apologize and right the wrongs where possible.

Like I've posted several times, marriage has its ups and downs as it's 2 imperfect people trying to forge a life together. What I haven't done though is have sex with another woman.

Finally, I'm afraid of all the people here that seem to think that love and commitment is something you can just turn off like a tap. It's not that easy and I of course want her to do well considering the difficult circumstances we're all in.

MMotimo:
Your posts show that your are a person of deep thought and one less likely to react in a reckless manner. I salute your courage and your being open like this. I’d like to think that other married men are learning from you even if they’d never admit it.

I like that you’re thinking beyond your ego to the effect of a breakup on your kids. It takes a real man to do that. People forget that there’s life after the breakup and it may not necessarily be great for both the kids and the couple. The kids did not ask to be born and they did not choose their parents’ characters / weaknesses so everything should be done to guarantee all decisions have their best interest at heart.

Ignore those describing you as simp, weak, etc. Oftentimes, it’s easy to criticize someone trying to save their relationship when you either have no relationship or what you have is worthless. Misery loves company.

I pray your marriage can be salvaged and if it doesn’t survive, at least you’ll have peace that you did your part.




***modified***

With this, it does not sound like she’s in the right emotional state right now. Even if you were to leave, I don’t think now is a good time to do so.

Thank you for your comment. You're the first person that's actually seen and acknowledged me and my point of view properly.

Bhus21:


Of course, I have a lot of shortcomings, I'm not going to pretend that's not the case. I've been negligent and inconsiderate many a time. Generally not deliberately and I try to apologize and right the wrongs where possible.

Like I've posted several times, marriage has its ups and downs as it's 2 imperfect people trying to forge a life together. What I haven't done though is have sex with another woman.

only you knows what is best for you, no one loves you like you love yourself.. but on another hand, since you really want her to stay because of your kids, if she poisons you to achieve her aims, the kids you are guiding, you will see no more... Weigh your options and do what is best for you... God be with you.

[s]

BKsoul:
Yea, but what you are smoking is worst than the one i smoke... Simple opinions, you have started with insults.. it very clear you are high on cow dung...

[/s] You have the heart of a fool

Cc Ubunja caveadullam pansophist

Bhus21:
Some 3 weeks ago I confronted my wife about a man she'd been seeing. She unapologetically told me she had slept with him and wanted a divorce. This is my attempt to process this shock to my system and heal from the trauma.

Bro one quick question, is she the bread winner in your home?

Bhus21:


For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years.

this is probably a fake story (or another person's story from quora/reddit)
I haven't heard of any African family where members commit suicide serially (u can educate me though).
if there is any chance that this OP is genuine, then his family are in jand (foreign settings). that place, divorce favors the women & almost ruins the men; hence his reluctance.
otherwise, his wife and the dude screwing her should be currently receiving treatment from orthopedic doctor (broken bones everywhere). that's how legit Nigerians do (I stand to be corrected)

Nawa oooo.
Dear Op, you said this isn't the first time she threatened divorce. You're using depression as excuse, omooo. She has been habouring such thoughts for long. She doesn't enjoy you, just the comfort you give her. Forget your wealth and the rest things you've achieved, maybe that's what attracted her to you, she wasn't attracted to you as a being.
She can plan your own death and still kill those kids you're trying to protect because of her selfish needs. You are not putting that into consideration. There's nothing wrong starting all over again.
I love how you're trying to save your marriage, but no matter the outcome,please don't let your guard down.
Please confirm if those kids are genuinely yours via DNA, if they turn out not to be your still love them.
Well, i respect and wish you success in whatever decision you make. Na your life sha��.

ZaRuleOfLaw:

this is probably a fake story (or another person's story from quora/reddit)

Bro, not everyone in Nigeria dey respond violently. So this his reaction is possible here.

Mumu man dey do research while the wife dey ride big gbola. if you be my senior brother I fit slap sense enter your empty 'matured' head. So kids from broken home can't make it in life abi? you are just damn stupid man, that's my conclusion after reading all your responses. How are you even sure they are your kids? otondo man

out of all these dumb weak idiots always forming intellectuals on nairaland, and buhari, I no know who vex me pass.

DatIbibioboy:
Nawa oooo.
Dear Op, you said this isn't the first time she threatened divorce. You're using depression as excuse, omooo. She has been habouring such thoughts for long. She doesn't enjoy you, just the comfort you give her. Forget your wealth and the rest things you've achieved, maybe that's what attracted her to you, she wasn't attracted to you as a being.
She can plan your own death and still kill those kids you're trying to protect because of her selfish needs. You are not putting that into consideration. There's nothing wrong starting all over again.
I love how you're trying to save your marriage, but no matter the outcome,please don't let your guard down.
Please confirm if those kids are genuinely yours via DNA, if they turn out not to be your still love them.
Well, i respect and wish you success in whatever decision you make. Na your life sha��.

I have been there before, let me tell you a story, my ex wife put sand in my food and I know if she had the chance she will put poison, at one time she left home for days cos we had an argument, I called her closest friend which was her cousin that one sent me a VN she sent about putting knife under the bed, I was annoyed that night because she went to visit another guy under the same roof as I was. She was telling her cousin had I slept in the room that night she would have stabbed me in the sleep, truly I went under the bed and saw a knife. Thank God I slept in the sitting room that night, I am sorry for this OP because he will learn the hardway, no matter what you preach to him it will surely end in tears.

[s]

Bhus21:
2 days after I found out and going through emotional turmoil. I resolved to do the Christ-like thing and give the marriage a chance. I spoke to her at length and tried to convince her of her folly. I then made a candle-lit dinner at night and bought some flowers. I then extracted a commitment to work on the marriage for 6 months.

So imagine my horror when 2 days later I find out she was still talking to her affair partner for hours. Omo this wahala is even deeper than I thought.

[/s]You deserve whatever she gives you

bukatyne:


Same Jesus who said adultery (or unfaithfulness/fornication) is a ground for divorce also forgave an actual adulterous wife that was caught in the act.

In essence, it is not compulsory to divorce after adultery. It is the poster's choice to (forgive and divorce) or (forgive and stay).

What manner of humans are feminists?

The woman that was brought to Jesus was a prostitute not an adulterous wife. Jesus did condemned stoning her to death but scolded her and asked her not to indulge in sin anymore.

This is completely different from adultery. An adulterous woman has defiled the marital bed and broken vow, therefore deserves to be sent away. Christ even acknowledged this fact in Matthew 9.

You people should read the Bible and stop talking nonsense.

Bhus21:


Of course, there's lots of history. For example, this is not the first time she's asked for a divorce. She's done it several times in the past. Usually in an emotional or depressed state. We then generally get past it and have a good marriage. This particular episode is different because it's combined with cheating. There's also the fact that on the same day she cheated, she received news that her brother committed suicide. The second brother to do the same in 2 years, so yes there's a lot of history.

E be like say na akata(black American you dey marry) or someone from a serious dis functional crisis ridden home

Because for two of her brothers to comitt suicide means that they seriously have deep issues
And she has been even asking you for divorce before

Also am sure, you must have seen her character traits maybe even prior to marriage but you felt you were a nice guy and can love her to change which is the problem with people like you, having god complex
But the issue is you can't change anyone
People already carry there personalities
Only God can change people that are willing to change

But when it comes to marriage, especially from the place I come from. There is proper scrutiny especially from the family you are prospecting to marry from, whether there are some patterns in there character and attitude
And once there is comma
It's a no no

Marriage is not something to be played with. It involves life's and generation's


But most people claim modern and woke men

Anyway it's your Cross to carry
May the good Lord help you

Bhus21:


I would definitely be more a "nice guy" than a "bad boy". Bad boys don't make particularly good husbands or fathers though. So while the bad boy may be fun, it always ends in tears.

You are not a nice guy, you are simply a weak man with zero self esteem. You have zero self worth, no confidence and no spark. You are boring puppet of your wife and has become so uninteresting to her. This is the reason she doesn't want to remain your wife anymore. Annoyingly, you are still being sissy thinking that somehow it will make her pity you.

She's useless though but I now see why she prefers another man than you

AmazonTopaz:

Biko I like nice men.I don't like bad boys don't speak for all women.

Coming from a frustrated old cargo feminist

Matheusmartin:
.
You can be rich, attractive and doing well and still be a simp.

Reading your write up dey make me vex..

Fact... Attractiveness, handsomeness and status don't buy women's loyalty, they only attract them to men. What ultimately gets their loyalty depends on whether the man is alpha or simp.

OP is Grade A simp

Bhus21:


My wife is a full-fledged adult with the right to do as she pleases. I do not have control over her and cannot control her agency. She's not a child to be scolded. Yes, I did have strong words with her to impress upon her the gravity of her actions but strong words only work to a point. In fact, the research shows that they very quickly become counterproductive so you dear sir have no idea what you are talking about.

I am indeed working on myself and will be stronger as a result. I just don't just buy these egotistic and toxic tropes many people keep parroting. It simply doesn't work in modern relationships, in fact I'd argue that it never really worked and just leaves men angry, depressed, and unfulfilled. For others who may be going through a similar thing to me, don't be afraid to bury your ego and think logically first before going for a divorce.

Your simping has brought you untold pains and emotional misery to the extent that your wife boldly told you that another man did doggy on her and gave her multiple orgasm, while you cried, lit candle and fooled yourself to pity and not divorce you.

It's really working for you indeed

My nice guyness can't get to this level aswear. As a matter of fact, I won't let it get to this level.

This ain't no niceness, this is stupidity.

This woman has been threatening you with divorce and you have been begging your way out thereby forcing yourself on her.

This is just like postponing the inevitable.

You say she was depressed, but the depression didn't stop her from spreading her legs for another man and still chatting with him for several hours. She is manipulative and may likely be faking that her depression.

Well, every mallam has his own kettle but I must tell you this bitter truth. You are not nice but stupid so stop misinterpreting the dictionary.

I wager the thread was deliberately created to achieve two main objectives:

- To give some sense of belonging and tactical support to hypocritically crass and opportunistic women, and by extension, to promote female cruelty and encourage male servility.

- To make naive men believe that a servile man, like the character the OP is playing in the thread through his disposition and responses, is the definition of a "real man." He is playing well the character of a man hypocritically crass and opportunistic women (or men, if the genders are reversed) do like to have in their lives, provided that he equally has long money, or is youthful if a girl is playing the OP's character.

Well, servility is as bad as cruelty; say no to them regardless of your gender. A wannabe kind and wannabe libertarian man will always be different from the true kind and libertarian man, just as the true emancipated/confident woman will always be different from an oppressive/haughty woman.

Hehehehehehe that's why man cannot be God

Hashabiah:
Fine? No woman can be "fine " after being caught in adultery.

Bhus21:
A few posters think this is a made-up scenario. Even me in the situation the thing be me like film. I keep thinking I will pinch myself one day and wake up from this nightmare.

What's worse is is that you don't even know near half of the story. For example, the fact that I warned her about the guy before. Cried and begged her to stay away from him. She didn't listen and went ahead to sleep with him. So the betrayal is a very deep one.

One poster said I am a weak man. I can tell you for a fact that the easiest thing to do is to walk away and not look back. I am young, successful, and attractive so a new relationship is the least of my worries. My biggest concern, and why I'm trying to act rationally is because of our 3 young kids. They are innocent and didn't ask for any of this so I'm trying to ensure their well-being. If we divorce, we are going to rip their world apart so suddenly and cruelly. No kid deserves that at all.

Stop writing like a simp abeg you don't dey vex me..Say you cried for a woman to leave the guy alone and she didn't listen or that kids will be affected..What sorta fvckery is this sef?
The woman in question said she ain't interested no more why not walk away, why all this hullabaloo? If the kids will be fine, they will be fine...Taking care of them solely lies on you now. How you go dey beg woman when wan opt out. Abi dem use Kayan Mata for you ney? Gaskiya you dey f up.

After attempting to revive the marriage, she still continued. I go just shoot am go start my life somewhere else.

Scratch that....

You done your best, man. Let the b* go