Hello Nairalanders

I have an issue which has been bothering me lately and I need advice from mature minds. I got married to my beloved wife recently and everything has been going fine. She's such a wonderful woman and a great supporter too

I noticed my wife is too attached to her family. Dad calls everyday, mom calls everyday, brother and sister call almost everyday but that isn't the issue. After all, we are newly married so it's normal for her to still be so attached to them for some while

The issue is that she's too attached to her family financially at the expense of our own pressing needs in the house. I also have my family too but none, down to my younger ones will call to ask me for financial assistance at least for now because they know I need some time to recover as a newly married couple after wedding expenses and all that

My wife keeps sending to her family every now and then for one complain or the other. It's either her brother calls today asking for favour or her sister calls tomorrow asking for favour and she's ever ready too meet these needs. To crown it all, I noticed this behaviour is very common with her mom

I know it's normal to take care of one's family but the way I see the whole thing, she puts her family's responsibility at the forefront and sometimes indirectly utter statements that I should send money to them

I'm a man who knows how to take care of my home and I handle all responsibility of the family- rent, feeding, utility bills and everything which is the normal duty of a man but the issue is that my wife doesn't always feel pressed to assist me in a little way. Things like "dear, let me add N1,000 to the N20,000" but when her family calls and complains about something, she sends money immediately or later. When her siblings or parents call, the call will most probably end with her saying "I'm going to send it". In a span of three weeks now, she has sent money to them more than 8 times

The summary of everything I'm saying is that her money stays in her pocket or either goes to her family while all my own money is used to finance us

PS: she wasn't like this before we got married. She used to be supportive but everything changes after marriage, and if my guess is right, she was given a wrong orientation into the marriage by her family

Please how do I handle this maturely? Should I complain to her my displeasure about it or continue to see it as a normal thing at this early stage of us?

And please, mods, I don't want this on the front page

Have you speak to her on how you feel ?, Don't let third party come between you.

. Or find someone mature enough and seek for advise, maybe from your DAD.

Hmm...

You see all you've written sir,ask her how she would feel if you are doing the same thing with your siblings/parents too. How would the need at home be met??

On the other hand,its her money ko? But hmmmm... she should cultivate the habit
to saaaaaave ooooh! Siblings matter no dey ever ever finish! See ehn,when you begin to have babies now,e no go continue to be like this oh.

I'm not saying she should not help her siblings and parents but Hun Hun Hun...!

I also think they know she's the type that cant say "NO" so they took the advantage of that.
She's your wife,you know better how to make her come to terms with what you want.

God help

Her money is her money....your money is for your both....know this, accept it, and you’ll have peace....

This situation looks so simple yet if not handled with wisdom can be misunderstood by your wife or the family if it eventually gets to them...

Firstly is your wife your friend? When you both are courting I don't really understand what you took time to discuss...

Period of courting is not when you go to eatery and cinemas to catch cruise but a time of bluntly addressing key issues and understanding and identifying common goals like how do we go abt our finance, how many kids are we envisaging, career growth or something that involves mutuality

Most parents or family are parasite and toxic in nature although I am not ruling out helping out when it's necessary but for God's sake it shldnt be all the time and the moment people know you can't say no then you are in for a long ride

Honestly I dnt really know what to advise but engage your wife in a friendly mode and try to bring a project that both of you can start to work on together...
It maybe a building project or a business to augment your income if you are a salary earner let her understand that you need to gather first before sharing...
How on earth will a lady claims she love a man and yet allow him alone to work out himself in the name of providing and yet she's earning too but using hers selfishly ?
Talk to her about it and dnt make it or turn it to an argument cos there's possibility she dnt know you are hurting...
God bless your home and gives you the wisdom to make it work in Jesus name (Amen)

PS: she wasn't like this before we got married. She used to be supportive but everything changes after marriage, and if my guess is right, she was given a wrong orientation into the marriage by her family

Talk to her about it mildly. She may have enough to still support you, and support her family. You might not understand she may be their breadwinner.

Don't let her start doing things without your knowledge. Talk to her, express concerns, support her..yet, talk her into remembering her immediate important things.

I hope you finD satisfaction.

You are welcome.

perfectcrown:
Hmm...

You see all you've written sir,ask her how she would feel if you are doing the same thing with your siblings/parents too. How would the need at home be met??

On the other hand,its her money ko? But hmmmm... she should cultivate the habit
to saaaaaave ooooh! Siblings matter no dey ever ever finish! See ehn,when you begin to have babies now,e no go continue to be like this oh.

I'm not saying she should not help her siblings and parents but Hun Hun Hun...!

I also think they know she's the type that cant say "NO" so they took the advantage of that.
She's your wife,you know better how to make her come to terms with what you want.

God help

The attachment is much that she even wants to continue bearing her family surname and not adopt mine as part of her name

Not helping you out financially in the home but spending money on her family means she has no ounce of responsibility towards you/the family you're building together, which isn't the way it should be.

When kids come into the picture, you wouldn't want all the financial responsibilities of the household and of childcare to fall on you, while she selfishly continues to give money to her family.

You've to talk to her now. It's best to nip an issue in the bud early, otherwise it'll continue and worsen.

InTheCloudySky:
Not helping you out financially in the home but spending money on her family means she has no ounce responsibility towards you/the family you're building together, which isn't the way it should be.

When kids come into the picture, you wouldn't want all the financial responsibilities of the household and of childcare to fall on you, while she selfishly continues to give money to her family.

You've to talk to her now. It's best to nip an issue in the bud early, otherwise it'll continue and worsen.

Thanks for your input ma.. I really appreciate it

Let me tell you the truth, if you sit her down now and talk to her she will just use reverse psychology and emotional tactics for you
( na so women be)

She's still able to do all that (sending money to her family members) because pikin responsibilities never come by the time she starts having her own kids she will reduce the way she dey send bar to her people and simply focus on her children

register505:
The attachment is much that she even wants to continue bearing her family surname and not adopt mine as part of her name

Did you have to convince her to marry you?
Did she want the marriage as much as you did?

register505:
The attachment is much that she even wants to continue bearing her family surname and not adopt mine as part of her name

In my case, I’d speak out against this folly.

register505:
The attachment is much that she even wants to continue bearing her family surname and not adopt mine as part of her name

Did you discuss the name part before getting married? Her issues with name change may be the stress of changing all documents to your name, I've not done mine till now and it is not a big deal or something to stress over.

register505:
The attachment is much that she even wants to continue bearing her family surname and not adopt mine as part of her name

Dude this is the 21st century... What has name change on paper got to do with being a good wife...

Besides don’t u guys have a marriage certificate showing you are husband and wife..

I seriously don’t get the clamor over changing all other documents and ID...will she change her certificate too??

Don’t make a storm out of a tea cup

Omihanifa:


She still able to do all that because pikin responsibilities never come by the time she starts having her own kids she will reduce the way she dey send bar to her people and simply focus on her children

This is it Op, so relax, she feels there is not much responsibilities since it's just both of you, when kids come nobody will tell her to adjust, na she go adjust herself.

advanceDNA:


Dude this is the 21st century... What has name change on paper got to do with being a good wife...

Besides don’t u guys have a marriage certificate showing you are husband and wife..

I seriously don’t get the clamor over changing all other documents and ID...will she change her certificate too??

Don’t make a storm out of a tea cup

Yes this is 21st and it's not really an issue for a learned person like me but it became an issue for me when I saw the premium she places on her family even at our own basic needs. Looks like she sitting on the fence

Hope you grab now?

Am coming

register505:
This is so sad. Some ladies somehow erroneously believe it is the husband's responsibility to take care of every need in the family. It is one of the challenges of a young couple.

Your wife sincerely needs to create a balance. Please do not neglect your own parents and siblings as well.

Do you guys have kids? If you do, as your kids grow up, she will definitely start spending on them.

Conclusion: Women (Most) do NOT reason the way men do when it comes to responsibilities.

boldx:
Will come back and comment soonest

please do

register505:
Yes this is 21st and it's not really an issue for a learned person like me but it became an issue for me when I saw the premium she places on her family even at our own basic needs. Looks like she sitting on the fence

Hope you grab now?

Your wife, like many other women out there hasn’t the mentality that her money is her money....
She believes she can do what she’s wants with it...while you carry the bulk of the responsibility of caring for the home...

You should have diss used this issue from the start....

If you were forming Mr capable at the beginning of your relationship..it will be hard for you to come and now tell her you want her to be contributing and worry less about her folks

register505:

Please pardon me for commenting again. I am afraid you may not be able to change your wife. She believes she is entitled to how she spends her money. I am so sorry, you cannot change that. If you wish to, you need to gently and wisely rock your boat. Women palava no be here sha but please take it easy.

She will change with time. At least after 10 - 15 years of marriage but please take it easy. The things men go through, NO BE HERE!!!

What advice do you want us to give you here?
To tell you to stop her from helping her family?
Is it your wife's money you want to depend on? abi which one is she caters more for her family at the expense of your pressing needs?

Oh... The reason you married her was because she was supporting you financially. So, now she withdrew the resources and channels it to her family, you're having a difficult time accepting that change.

Please let her be. You should hustle to meet your immediate familys pressing needs. Not like she's even asking you for money to send to them. Her hard earned money.

You men don't know what you want. A woman is dependent, wahala. A woman is independent, problem.
Chilax, abeg!

You don't have issues, except you want to create one for yourself....

Most times women cliched more to their family, and I'm not sure you really know their family background before marrying her...

Until she gives birth before she would start withdrawing it little by little due to the overwhelming responsibility of taking care of her baby and the home

If she's working and the money shes sending to her family is her personal money, I don't feel you have any problem, the only thing you just make her know is to always save for raining days....

For the financial support, you can't just expect her to start giving you money to support the family, you have to make a move too, like darling, you know you can also take up the responsibility of buying fuel for generator or the car, from there she would decode...

Some of the women always want to be told this before they do it, because majority of them might come from a family whose father like paying every bills...

Unlike me, my wife take up some responsibilities, that I don't even know, until when I get home before I will notice it voluntarily, that's because where she's coming from, that's how they do there things....

Mercychen:
What advice do you want us to give you here?
To tell you to stop her from helping her family?
Is it your wife's money you want to depend on? abi which one is she caters more for her family at the expense of your pressing needs?

Oh... The reason you married her was because she was supporting you financially. So, now she withdrew the resources and channels it to her family, you're having a difficult time accepting that change.

Please let her be. You should hustle to meet your immediate familys pressing needs. Not like she's even asking you for money to send to them. Her hard earned money.

You men don't know what you want. A woman is dependent, wahala. A woman is independent, problem.
Chilax, abeg!

You're missing it.. There's no place in my writeup that I want her to give her money to me

I'm chanelling all my resources to make sure we live comfortably and I don't have any problem with that. It's my duty as a man to take care of her and make us live fine

She on the other hand is extending her benevolence to her family and not us

Isn't that something to be concerned about considering the fact that they aren't even giving her breathing space with calls and attention

register505:
You're missing it.. There's no place in my writeup that I want her to give her money to me

I'm chanelling all my resources to make sure we live comfortably and I don't have any problem with that. It's my duty as a man to take care of her and make us live fine

She on the other hand is extending her benevolence to her family and not us

Isn't that something to be concerned about considering the fact that they aren't even giving her breathing space with calls and attention

Your main problem is that you want her (attention and all) to yourself isn’t it?

You’re simply jealous.

register505:
You're missing it.. There's no place in my writeup that I want her to give her money to me

I'm chanelling all my resources to make sure we live comfortably and I don't have any problem with that. It's my duty as a man to take care of her and make us live fine

She on the other hand is extending her benevolence to her family and not us

Isn't that something to be concerned about considering the fact that they aren't even giving her breathing space with calls and attention

She will get tired somewhere down the line, unless she has an endless supply of funds that never run dry...

author=register505 post=105352775] You're missing it.. There's no place in my writeup that I want her to give her money to me
We are still saying the same thing.

I'm chanelling all my resources to make sure we live comfortably and I don't have any problem with that. It's my duty as a man to take care of her and make us live fine
[quote]
[quote]She on the other hand is extending her benevolence to her family and not us

We are still saying the same thing @ the bold. You're not cool with that and want it to stop.

Isn't that something to be concerned about considering the fact that they aren't even giving her breathing space with calls and attention

It shouldn't call for concern if like you claimed, you're capable of singlehandedly taking care of your familys financial needs. I mean.. why should that bother you?

If you were having any financial challenges and shes doing that, then it would have been unfair of her. But here you claimed you're capable and on the side you're not down with her parole.... You seem to be talking from both sides of your mouth. Just come out straight with one, let's know what exactly you're agitating for.

One problem almost all of you in this kind of situation has is putting a wrong price or meaning on peace, love, maturity, wisdom, civility, etc., from the inception of your relationships.

From the connotation of your submissions:

- While courting her, you gave her an impression that she can always do whatever makes her happy, instead of what is right regardless of whether it makes her happy, all in a bid to appear a civil/modern - wannabe libertarian - because you didn't want to lose her. Now that she has started living your philosophy in fullness, you have started complaining and appearing weak and helpless.

- The fact that you have put a wrong price on peace is the reason why you have brought this matter here instead of sitting her down and read the riot act out to her that the price of peace (love in general) in the house and union is everyone striving hard in doing what is right at any given time; else, war will take center stage and mean it in words and actions. No, you won't do this because of feeble-mindedness glossed with the false garb of maturity/emotional intelligence.

In summary, put an ethical philosophy that is humane in place and let it be the bond that will hold two of you and the union in general.

register505:

The summary of everything I'm saying is that her money stays in her pocket or either goes to her family while all my own money is used to finance us

That is the orientation of an average Nigerian lady. All of them are like that, don't think u will get anything from them financially after wedding. Their orientation is a man should provide for everything, their money is solely for them & immediate family members. Maybe she might start spending when u people start having kids, but for now, remove eye for her money. U no go see shi shi. Most of the marriages around u see enjoying relative peace are run in this manner.

Register505
Does she contribute at all to house keep money? If no, whenever she asks for money give her 70% then tell her to complete the reminder. Legally, she is suppose to contribute to house upkeep if she is earning.
Don't just shoulder everything because you're a man try to delegate some responsibilities to her after all she is your partner not your child.

mariahAngel:



Your main problem is that you want her (attention and all) to yourself isn’t it?

You’re simply jealous.

Please reverse the whole scenario and let's assume the woman is the one complaining about husband's benevolence to his ext. family. What would your advice be?

I find it funny though that no chic here has talked about how the wife ought to discuss with her husband before rendering financial help...

Let's not pretend that we don't all know how women love having "a discussion" before their husbands can send money to his relatives.