Im I being selfish here or not,

My partner and I have been together now for over a year, on the whole things are good, however when it comes to love and affection it appears I am the one that is giving it all, dont get me wrong he never turns me away when I go to hug and kiss him, but does it make me a selfish person to want some love and affection from him first.

He says that I should accept any little bit of love he gives me no matter which way it is given, which I do except, but it makes me feel insecure that he never gives me the simple things like hugs and kisses first.

I am very independent and never need to ask him for money or material things, all I want is the simple things.

He works away all week and I see him weekends, he has a son who I look after when he is away, I do my very best to make our home a happy home and it is always clean and tidy.

Is it wrong for me to want some love and affection??


Thanks

nosillA xx

you are not selfish. you deserve it. but maybe he dosen't know your position or intentions. talk with him. while i commend you on your dedication and selfless devotion, i look forward to meet someone like you.

Hmm . The guy may not see it that way. He is probably not a romantic type. You are not selfish. But don't make it hard on him to start doubting you so called love. He may actualy love you. I know a couple of guys who are shy and are better lover. So try help him to love you.

But you didn't tell us certain things: Are you married to him? It appears you are living together, do you planned to marry or you are just hoping he'll marry you? What happen to the mother of his son you are taking care of? Dead or alive? You also didn't tell us what "small thing" means. It appear the two of you are in agreement sha. Take care and stay focus

We live together and have done since November, he has been married twice before and his son is from his first wife. My partner got custody of him. He says he shows his way in other ways, maybe I am blind and I cant see it, as I am the one who is at home all week keeping a happy home as well as running my own business. I ask him for nothing, I pay the bills etc.

The small things to me are love and affection, kisses and cuddles.
Money and material things dont mean anything to mean, all I want is for him to love me and show he loves me the way I love him.

I have told him how I feel and he says he finds it hard to do what i am looking for, I am a loving, loyal and honest person and would never ever hurt him intentionally, my life revolves around him. But I cant go on living with someone with the intention of marrying, if that person can't love me in a way that is normal.

Is it a culture difference or am i being taken for a fool?

My head really is in bits over this.

nosillA XX

I agree

You're not asking too much

e no de shag u?

He has an attitude that he might not know you don't really enjoy.

Constructively, let know, tell him to practice what you want till he finally start it himself

If not, someone may teach him and you are in trouble. God forbid.

@ nosilla

he's using you.

but i think you should understand that in whatever relationship you're in you shouldn't ever stick your head in the sand. you owe yourself the truth. all the time, all the way babe

Thanks Ziddy,

I think you have hit the nail on the head. I have decided to follow my head and end the relationship.
I am very upset but i know that its the only solution. I have to be happy myself instead of always making others happy.

nosillA xx (Miss young, free and single)

Giving judgement without evidence or complete facts is a terrible error. You didn't tell us what went wrong with his early marriages. Perhaps he was hurt, or he was the one that hurt others. After two marriage, a man isn't ignorance of love. He might have reasons. By the way, why are u the one paying the bills and keeping the home when you are not married? Had he promised you marriage? Is he living in your house or you live in his house? How old is he, and you?

Don't rush into any action you would regret later. There are more questions for you. Do a soul searching, are you forcing yourself on him or did he felt so? Don't forget he had had two failed marriages, he may be suffering from hang over, psychologically. Only you knows. You have lived long enough with him to know his trouble. Let wisdom guide you. If you felt cheated, then quit before you become his third failed marriage. I advic u also commit it to prayer. "in all your ways, lean not on your own understanding, acknowledge God, an He will direct your steps"

you sounded like a caring, loving woman,whose only need is to be appreciated for even a short time. I prays for you!

@Olanajim

He said he felt married to his wifes parents as well as his wifes, and in the end they ended.
I pay all the bills etc as he moved in with me, we have talked about marriage but it was never a big issue which did suit the 2 of us.
I am 39 and he is nearly 32. I am white and he is Nigerian.

Bearing in mind he is working away Monday to Friday, I have asked him if I smother him to much with love and affection when he is home, he always says that no matter how much or how little affection he is give, he apprieciates it.

I know i have done everything possible to make the relationship work and therefore I do not feel any guilt for ending it, I feel very upset and hurt but I do not have any guilt.

I am a very loving, caring lady and hopefully one day I will be appreciated by a loving, caring guy.

Thank you for your pray Ola , I trust god to get me through this.

nosillA xx

Nosilla,

I really feel your frustration. Am in a relationship with a guy like yours. He is not romantic at all. People say teach him and he would learn, i have done that. No result too. He forgot my birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!can you imagine that. He does not reply to text messages, inshot i really cannot type all the rubbish but still i love him. You want to know why?? his person. He has a good heart, a very mature guy. He treats people around him with respect, he would go out of his way to satisfy his friends, he tells the truth most times, doesnt womanise, he is loyal, God fearing, inshort alot of things most guys aren't.

The bad part is just this romantic thinggy. And you know what? it matters alot to me. I need that cuddle, those soft words (sweet nothings), exchange of gifts, lovely text messages etc those inexpensive things babes. But there are so expensive with him. He even gets upset when i complain. Am always the one giving the tender, love and care in the relationship. Am spent. I have decided to leave it up to him. Am still with him, hoping and praying that he improves. If he doesn't !!!!!!!!! time would tell. Babes, if his advantages out weighs his disadvantages pls keep him, try and understand him better, am as frustrated as you are but i have come to understand that there are no perfect guys out there, they all have their short commings. Which would you rather be with: a womanising dog or unromantic lover

The word my sister is MANAGE, thats my lot for now, i hope and pray i can carry on and i beg you to try and do the same BUT there is hope sis: There is another group of women who believe you can get everything you desire, that you shouldn't settle for less when you can get much more. They would tell you to get out while you can and look for Mr. perfect. If you like how this sounds, then i would say you go girl!!!!!! it may work for you. Have been down that road and i got GIZZARDS instead. Good luck sweets and feel free to share your feelings ok.

Before i forget, i learnt that their being unromantic has to do with their upbringing, past experiences, exposure etc (many factors) maybe they were not shown enough love as children.
It could be due to shyness, its also possible that they see it as a weakness. Who knows!!!!!!!

@nosilla . . . .Did you mean he has a son and that you are babysitting the son.?huh . . . .or you have the son together with him?. . . . , that maybe the reason

@bebe2007

Thank you , I have decided to let him go his own way. He sounds very similar to your guy, although he always replys to my text messages, maybe not straight away but he always replys. The thing is the romantic 'thingys' like the hugs and cuddles are very important to me. I know for sure there are a lot of guys who would love to be with a lady like myself, so until that guy comes along I will stay single and just enjoy my life.

@Zignor

I suppose you can say I have been a sitter for his son, and yes you could be right. But i was happy to do this for him and love his son like my own, because of the love I have for his father.

The more I think about the whole situation the more I realise I have been used for the last year.

You live and learn!!

nosillA xx

@nosilla . . . . Infact, you are a very nice person. Anyway ,I understand your pains,and maybe I can help you.

I'm single can we know each other very well?

Nosilla, i really feel like cry after reading ur story. Two factors come to play. Cultural and psychological factor. Your background make you extremely nice person for a responsible African. You are honestly not selfish. You are right to demand affection from him. What you demanded cost nothing and yeild a tremendous result. For your partner to find it difficult is some that he alone can explain. Even shy couples give their partner love and affection.

Your reply actually shed more light to this issue and it lead to my conclusion that your partner is suffering from psychological hang over of his past marriage. This is the way i see it.

He appear to be someone unwilling to bow to women authority no matter how harmless. I suspect that is what he meant by saying he felt like he was married to her ex wife parent. It could be a result of his ego or phobia that the lady would one day control him.
But you seemed to have done your best to assuage that fear. He is black, he is afraid of your independence but he can't say it.

Another postulation is that he didnt really love you. He is probably using you. You are older, you don't have time for experiment. And it is obvious you are being guided by wisdom.

This is a delicate situation. Pls pray to be guided. Try look at his problem from that angle. Talk to him. If he stil feel insecure, take the last option quit. My heart really feel for ladies when they are wasted. May the lord of grace give you something better that would gladden your heart. I believe, He can intervene. Before you leave him, tell your heart if he still think of showing you love later probably when you are fifty, leave him. He is not for you.

I am surprise that you are white, people like you are rare. I believes the living God would guide you. Goodluck

I must warn you never to think all nigerian guys are like him. Nigerians has over 200 ethnic tribes with different culture. They are not emotionally stoic even the conservative north shows love. Though not in open. I don't knw where he come from but I know he is more probably hidding something from you.

@ Olanajim

Thank you for your support , if you are married she is one very lucky lady.

nosillA XX

I am not married but my angel is cool. Thanks. I would love to follow you with prayer sha. Email me at oracle_nj@yahoo.com take care. And stay bless.