I have an issue that bothers me a lot. My niece of 10yrs is soooo difficult she makes me cry sometimes. She lies, steals, and generally a scatter-brain.

She is in primary 6 now, but she goes to school and doesn't write any notes. All the books i got her at the beginning of the term are now in shreds. She wouldn't do the chores i assign her no matter the cajoling, she only does it at her own pace. Bc of this attitude she never goes to school early bc by the time she will finish breakfast it will be like 8:15am or thereabout.

We've tried beating, threatening, and now talking softly to her to see if she will change but it's still the same story. The most scary part of it is that she is very pretty even as a little girl, and she likes boys. Don't ask me how i knew that, she lives with me and i know IT!

For the those that will come asking about her parents, her daddy is my immediate elder brother. Got her when he was 19yrs. The mother is now married to another guy. She grew up in my parents house in a very loving environment. When my mum complained so much i took her bc i thought mum was not doing something right. Now it seems im wrong.

How can i help this girl to grow into a responsible adult?

I think she's been over-pampered by your mum before you took her in. My own opinion is, try enrolling her in the boarding house of her school. It works sometimes. I just hope it works in your niece's case too.

She is in primary six now, which means she is due for secondary school in September right? Please quick quick if you have the means, deport her to one boarding school. Not those ajebor ones where children are pampered o, send her to one school where senior students will send her life tire. She will be prostrating to greet you and will practically lick the floor you walk on after the first term.

I will also suggest you send her to any only girls school for a start since you have concerns about her with the opposite sex and it is not too early to start teaching her sex education.

Cheers

Taking her to a boarding house after primary school will not solve anything, she will get worse. She must not be that dumb to be 10 and in primary 6. You will need to introduce constructive hobbies to her, like reading, church and even spending quality time with her playing games and getting to know her. Shower her with lots of love and punish her by taking the things she cherishes away ( playtime with her friends or her favorite item). You must be patient with her because she may be reacting to feelings of neglect and people not caring about her or wanting her so they dump with anyone that can stand her. You need to break the wall she has built to protect herself from what she has been through in her short life. It cannot be easy for her at all. She needs a lot of love and assurance that you will not abandon her. She may also need a male presence in her life, like her father or grand father to at least talk to her or show some concern about her. Children generally do better when there is a strong male presence in their lives. Also make sure you take the time to hear what is going on in her life, and how her day goes. So she can open up to you about how she truly feels about everything going on in her life. It is an honorable thing you did. Dont give up and God bless you.

Im sorry shes 10 and shes controlling you?

Doesnt eat her breakfast on time so shes late to school? then you take her breakfast away as soon as its time to go and drag her out the door.

Doesnt do chores? then you punish her no tv no nice things until she does as she is told. Or she can kneel down in a corner and raise her arms for a good 20mins.

She needs routine and a strong hand not weak aunty today crying strong aunty tomorrow.

You check her school books everyday. You discuss what she was taught she might not be a book worm or have the brains to study not everyone is gifted in that department but she must still try.

She goes to bed on time when you say not when she says. shes not allowed to play outside with other kids until you see good behaviour from her even then she should never be allowed to play out of sight since shes already liking boys.

Everytime she is caught lying or stealing she kneels down and raises her arms. You start asking her to carry a stool and increase punishment time by 10mins after each act of defiance.

After every punishment or hot slap you give her you sit her down and you explain why you are doing it. Its because you love her very much and you want her to be a good person and live a good life.

Thereis obviously more to it. Whenever I hear someone being referred to as a scatter brain I think ADHD. I also agree with what LadyT has added about the not eating on time. Maybe she needs to go to school hungry for a while. Skipping breakfast never killed anyone. As for the stealing and lying it is possible that she got away with that with Mama all her life. I don't know that beating her to a pulp will help that but she has to be understand that there will be consequences and you need to follow through on each one. Please do not give up on her. Her father and mother already did and even you finally taking her might even feel like another person also gave up on her

It's a shame that this poor girl's parents care nothing about her. Maybe this is why she is acting out.

Maybe you can't get through to the mother, but try to appeal to your brother. He needs to show this girl the attention she apparently craves, before she gets it from the wrong place.

Use the rod and also pray for him and them teach him

Sorry I meant her

Nekai:

It's a shame that this poor girl's parents care nothing about her. Maybe this is why she is acting out.

Maybe you can't get through to the mother, but try to appeal to your brother. He needs to show this girl the attention she apparently craves, before she gets it from the wrong place.

I agree with that. I can't believe we could beat a child and later tell him it's because of love,  No wonder some ladies get beaten by their husbands/bf and confuse it with love  

You say she is lying, but has she been lied to ? Did anybody talk to her about her birth, her parents situation, why they are separated, why they are not taking care of her, why her grandma is no longer taking care of her ? Sometimes we adults just want to avoid some akward talks and believe that, since the kid didn't ask, we don't need to tell,  I think this little girl needs to know about what is really going on in her life. Who will take care of her if you give up on her too?

I don't think beating would help in any way. That is my opinion, I believe beating brings fear, and respect shouldn't be confused with fear.

As for the choice of secondary school, involve her in the decision. Ask her what she'd prefer (boarding school or not), tell her that you feel that your relationship is not going alright and you need to know her opinion. Watch her answers carefully, she might try to reject you just in an attempt to see how you react.

Patience, love, and truth from the adults around her should, with time, help her be confident again.

Thanks y'all for your kind advice.

I've already applied for her to be in boarding house by september. She is a brilliant girl and always top her class despite the teacher complaining that she isn't very attentive in class. How she manage that still amazes me!

Nekai:

It's a shame that this poor girl's parents care nothing about her. Maybe this is why she is acting out.

Maybe you can't get through to the mother, but try to appeal to your brother. He needs to show this girl the attention she apparently craves, before she gets it from the wrong place.

She hardly sees the mum and i think that is one of the issues disturbing her bc she talks about her always, she sometimes call the mum's name in her sleep. The dad on the other hand is very close to her. But for now, he is away on a training but still speaks with her on phone almost everyday. I try as i can to be a mum to her and my mum does that too. To the best of my knowledge, she is a well loved and taken care of.

Outstrip:

Thereis obviously more to it. Whenever I hear someone being referred to as a scatter brain[b] I think ADHD[/b]. I also agree with what LadyT has added about the not eating on time. Maybe she needs to go to school hungry for a while. Skipping breakfast never killed anyone. As for the stealing and lying it is possible that she got away with that with Mama all her life. I don't know that beating her to a pulp will help that but she has to be understand that there will be consequences and you need to follow through on each one. Please do not give up on her. Her father and mother already did and even you finally taking her might even feel like another person also gave up on her

I thought of this and even did some research on it. She has the trait, but wher she get me confuse is that she has the best grades in her class according to her class teacher. She can read fluently and all that.

2mch:

Taking her to a boarding house after primary school will not solve anything, she will get worse. She must not be that dumb to be 10 and in primary 6. You will need to introduce constructive hobbies to her, like reading, church and even spending quality time with her playing games and getting to know her. Shower her with lots of love and punish her by taking the things she cherishes away ( playtime with her friends or her favorite item). You must be patient with her because she may be reacting to feelings of neglect and people not caring about her or wanting her so they dump with anyone that can stand her. You need to break the wall she has built to protect herself from what she has been through in her short life. It cannot be easy for her at all. She needs a lot of love and assurance that you will not abandon her. She may also need a male presence in her life, like her father or grand father to at least talk to her or show some concern about her. Children generally do better when there is a strong male presence in their lives. Also make sure you take the time to hear what is going on in her life, and how her day goes. So she can open up to you about how she truly feels about everything going on in her life. It is an honorable thing you did. Dont give up and God bless you.

Thanks. I do all these, but as i said she is still difficult. I noticed that she likes singing and that is the only thing(apart from getting into trouble) that she seems to enjoy. I mean, she knows the wordings of every song by heart and can sing along with the artist without missing a beat. She is in the church choir, but always come back from church without her beret and jotter which means i have to produce a new one each service day or risk her not being in the choir. Ofcourse when she is not in the choir she will escape outside and find a way of getting into trouble thereby causing those busybodies in church to attack me.

Maybe i should get her to wax an album bc she sings like the nightingale

Some good advice here we are all different but let me clarify a few things.

No one said she should be beaten to a pulp it obviously hasn't worked but nothing wrong with physical punishment.  I swear after a 20min "kneel down over there and raise your arms" and then a pep talk she will relax.  

I got smacked and I got physical punishment from my mum and you always got a pep talk afterwards there is no way I could ever think a boyfriend/husband hitting me is the same thing.  Lets not take on these oyinbo sentiments the human spirit is more resilient than that.

I don't think she should be starved please don't do that serve her breakfast warn her she has Bleep mins to eat it.  Once that time is up you take breakfast away and march her out.  Once that has happened to her a few times she she realises shes hungry because she refused to listen to instruction she will learn to eat on time

Shes 10 she doesn't decided what kind of school she goes too shes a child.  But I think she needs 24 hours intense care so shipping her off like all the other adults in her life is not a good idea IMO.

The girl is already overconfident talk to her as a child ask her would she like to go to prison? Because people who lie and steal end up there.  Even if she has Attention disorder is can be managed and its not excuse for her stealing.


You cant give up on her

@Lady T thanks once again. I don't beat her often, and when i do i make sure she knows why i'm doing it. For her secondary school, i asked her if she will prefer a day school to boarding one and she choosed boarding school. I've already applied in a girl's school and by september she will be there. I will monitor her progress and if she get worst, i will withdraw her and make her go from home.

I never knew motherhood is as tough as this, but with the help of God i believe we will make it.

The kid is suffering the effect of a broken home(or in this case the product of a broken relationship). My take is she has realised that something is amiss and rebellion/attitude is her own way of seeking the kind of love that only a family consisting of her father and mother can offer. Poster, i'm sure you are trying your best, but at the end of the day the only way out of this is for her to feel what other kids feel and that is the love of her parents, and not to be farmed out from one relative to another

Tee_Jay:

The kid is suffering the effect of a broken home(or in this case the product of a broken relationship). My take is she has realised that something is amiss and rebellion/attitude is her own way of seeking the kind of love that only a family consisting of her father and mother can offer. Poster, i'm sure you are trying your best, but at the end of the day the only way out of this is for her to feel what other kids feel and that is the love of her parents, and not to be farmed out from one relative to another

She is not being moved from one relative to the other, idon't know where you saw that. She grew up with my mum and dad, and ofcourse then his dad and all of us were still living with our parents. So you see she grew up in a normal family setting with a mother, father and siblings figures. I'm the only one she has stayed with outside my parents house and that only happened when she became too difficilt for my parents to control.

baby.me:

She is not being moved from one relative to the other, idon't know where you saw that. She grew up with my mum and dad, and ofcourse then his dad and all of us were still living with our parents. So you see she grew up in a normal family setting with a mother, father and siblings figures. I'm the only one she has stayed with outside my parents house and that only happened when she became too difficilt for my parents to control.

I'm not trying to be rude, all i was saying was that some kids find it difficult to handle this sort of situation. I know this from personal experience with a relative. She was even living with her mum, and occassionally with her dad. The "to-ing and fro-ing" and the fact that she just wants to be like other kids who are with their dad and mum might be the reason.
At the end of the day, i still thing she might be better served either with her mum or at your parent's.

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Tee_Jay:

I'm not trying to be rude, all i was saying was that some kids find it difficult to handle this sort of situation. I know this from personal experience with a relative. She was even living with her mum, and occassionally with her dad. The "to-ing and fro-ing" and the fact that she just wants to be like other kids who are with their dad and mum might be the reason.
At the end of the day, i still thing she might be better served either with her mum or at your parent's.

She will live with the dad when he's back from his training bc she is normaly at her best behaviour when the daddy is around. That will be next year. For now i will keep her and hopefully she will turn out just fine. Thanks for your advice though.

No offence but shipping her off to boarding school is hardly "living with her Dad"

Someone has to take control and supervise her 24/7 why do you think she wants to go to boarding school Its for the freedom she believes she will get. She cant wait to get away from you all.

I for one dont agree with boarding schools but each to their own. She either meets her match and gets beaten to a pulp in school until she behaves or she finds other naughty children and learns even more bad stuff.

At the end of the day I guess its not really your problem you didnt give birth to her. And your parents acting as adoptive parents didnt help her either.

But the passing around needs to stop.

LadyT you sound like a mum. Do you really think boarding school is a bad idea? I thought that maybe if she goes there and get to meet other kids that she will be a little more responsible. I mean if she is in boarding house she will get to make her bed, wash her clothes and undies without anybody standing over her.

I may be wrong with the boarding school decision that is why i'm asking for advice.

And don't say that it's not my problem bc i didn't give birth to her. She is my daughter as far as im concern and i don't think im biased in my treatment of her, or will treat my biological child any different. If i didn't love and care for her i wouldn't be so pained and concerned when i see her this way. Afterall i have elder sisters that are married and have children of their own but none of them cared to see how this girl was doing. I love her and i see her as my daughter

How can you people even contemplate sending her to a boarding school? Do you really wanno help this child?

Miss_Ife:

I agree with that. I can't believe we could beat a child and later tell him it's because of love, No wonder some ladies get beaten by their husbands/bf and confuse it with love

Lol. Y'all are so funny! Who says the application of the rod or the meting out of other disciplinary measures implies hatred or cannot be done out of love?
Almost all of us here got our share of the lashing and we obviously didn't die; that, I can say for certain, contributed to making us better individuals in some areas of life. Needless to say it was done ''for our own good''; sometimes parents tend to exaggerate but this is due to another factor and not hatred for the child.

Miss_Ife:

You say she is lying, but has she been lied to ? Did anybody talk to her about her birth, her parents situation, why they are separated, why they are not taking care of her, why her grandma is no longer taking care of her ? Sometimes we adults just want to avoid some akward talks and believe that, since the kid didn't ask, we don't need to tell,  I think this little girl needs to know about what is really going on in her life. Who will take care of her if you give up on her too?

And you really think the 10-year-old child, after being informed, would automatically change for the better? What correlation has the communication of this information to her (at this age) to being the good girl baby.me wants her to be? At 10, this information is 1) useless to her or 2) most likely going to complicate her life (more).

Topic :
While it isn't a bad idea to send her to the boarding house, taking her there without instilling some discipline in her first, isn't the best. The housemistress cannot dedicate special attention to just one child as there are many others, and as a result, there's a tendency that the areas that need special attention might be left untouched.
If there's something I have personally learnt about raising kids, it's that it requires a lot of patience. Oh lawd! A whole lot of it.

Do not spare the rod when necessary
Make rules and do not bend the rules too often
Show her love
Pray for her

@Missy*B : I get what you are saying since it is a widely spread belief. However, basic psychology is very clear : truth and respect from the parents to the child do wonders. When I say truth, I don't mean going into unnecessary details and when I say respect, I don't mean no discipline. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to convince anybody, baby.me is the adult, she'll get what she needs from our advices. But another position is always good to hear.

@Miss Ife: Of course she knows the story of her birth. She knows her parents had her when they were teenagers and that her mum had to marry bc her dad was still in school.

Before i took her, my mum explained to her why she has to be with me. Surprisingly, she is the one that told mum that she will love to come live me. No one is lying to her, and for a 10yr old girl, i will like to say that she has a sharp mind and grasp things fast. The only things she doesn't seems to get is the simple things that makes life easy for both parents and child.

@baby.me : it is good that she knows about that, sometimes children can have really weird ideas about things that we hide to them and they imagine things worse than the truth. That's why it is best to tell the truth (in a way that is understandable to them).

You say that she is very smart and gets the highest grades in school, have you tested her IQ? children with high IQ tend to have behavior issues because they are very smart in some areas but often lack some emotionnal/social skills.
IMO it is a good thing that you have talked to her about which schoolshe wanted to go to. That doesn't mean you have to do what she wants, as the adult you get to say the final word. Do you think she might want to go to boarding school to get away with the discipline at home ? Or is she trying to test you to see if you'd easily "give up" on her?

The problem of non-compliance in children and that of juvenile deliquency are subject of child development and empowerment psychology that informed my passion to write an ebook titled CHILD EMPOWERMENT PSYCHOLOGY available on http://www.gracefem.com to help parents, children teachers and guardians.

This made front page

@Miss Ife: I don't think it's an IQ thing, but her just being her. I just wants suggestions on how to handle her. I think she wants to go to boarding school bc all her friends choosed boarding schools. Her dad wants her to be in that school too bc he too believes it may help her drop some attitude.

So help us God

Miss_Ife:

@Missy*B : I get what you are saying since it is a widely spread belief. However, basic psychology is very clear : truth and respect from the parents to the child do wonders. When I say truth, I don't mean going into unnecessary details and when I say respect, I don't mean no discipline. Don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to convince anybody, baby.me is the adult, she'll get what she needs from our advices. But another position is always good to hear.

This one na English and Grammar ooooo

Difficult child ugh? Sounds very close to home. So what works?
Patience, Prayer, Ignore

Your neice requires attention so she gets the attention from boys since she is beautiful. It's obvious she is a very sharp girl, even street smart and U'll be surprised at how much she knows. So Y dont u try this 2 weeks program and see if it works.

Stop her from attending school and take her to a disciplinarian when going to work. When you fetch her and she complains ignore her. If she does something bad which more or less will require your attention just ignore her. When you ask her to do a particular chore and she doesn't, don't scold her or beat her just ignore her but make sure u don't do it eigther. Reduce her food rations, let it get smaller with every offence and when she commits, If she complains just ignore her. Food is the best way to get through to children. So go to the kitchen and prepare what u'll eat and forget about her make sure u prepare what she likes but do not let her taste eat, instead have some else for her she doesn't eat or doesn't like. Make sure u prepare her favourite dish or better still bring a very nice package from Sweet Sensation or any nice eatery. Warm it and make sure the aroma fills the house and after that seat and devour every single bit of it and give nothing to her. When she complains ignore her. In all of these since she is very sharp she'll start living up to her responsibilities herself. Once u realise she has started to do these bits here and there reward her little by little anytime u come home.
Between the end of the first week and the second u should start seeing results and u must respond in kind by rewarding good behaviour. If after a month or so of she behaving herself and she does something wrong make sure u become very livid/mad send her to a corner of the house and tell her to stand there facing the corner. She musn't move until she learns to be very remorseful for her actions. When she is remorseful call her later and explain to her what she did and entice her with something nice so as to maintain that relationship. Make sure u get the 2 week program right for it to work otherwise u'll plug urself deeper into  poo hole. This requires dedication, patience and perseverance because if u hit her or answer during the 2 weeks then u have to start again and u don't need the program taking long so that she doesn't hate you later on.
Above all u must pray. Only through prayer and meditation can u get the patience and perceverance u require and funny enough u'll realise that u didn't work on her alone but on urself too. This technique works 95% of the time with difficult children except she is possessed which will require exorcism but then exorcism materials are very glaring.
Goodluck and God's speed

The child is going through what i consider to be a traumatic experience of growing up without proper parenting. She has been denied her right to enjoy the love of her parents even if they were separated. This is really bad and it does not matter what you do or fail to do, she will continue to react in her own way. Going to boarding school will be her dream come true!

Her quest for singing shows her attempt to escape into a world of her own where she is in full control. Little wonder why the religiosity of the church songs content makes no difference to her.

My advice is very simple-get her parents involve in her life. You are simply her aunt or better still foster carer-nothing more.

Statistics shows that children who grew up without their parents involvement are likely to become social deviants

at 10, and u are complaining imagine what she will do when she clocks 18
prayer is good, no doubt, but u need more physical actions on her, it worked for me