Here it is - a collection of my jokes on one thread:

1. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

2. As he was sitting on the edge of the bed watching his wife, she was examining herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked, "What would you like for your birthday?"

Still looking in the mirror she replied, "I'd like to be six again."

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to an amusement park.

What a day! He put her on every ride there was: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything.

Hours later they staggered out of the park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie (rated "G", of course), with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.

Finally they wobbled home and she collapsed into bed, exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.

"I meant my DRESS SIZE, you !!!!"

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is still going to get it wrong.

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The couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary.

An interviewer asked, "Could you please share the secret to a long marriage?"

The husband answered, "Never criticize your wife for her shortcomings, or when she does something wrong. Always bear in mind that it is because of her shortcomings and weaknesses that she could not find a better husband than you."

3. Texas Beer Joint Sues Church

In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.

In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about the power of prayer, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means".

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not."

4. I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center, and rolled down the car windows to make sure my yellow Lab puppy had enough fresh air.

She was stretched out on the back seat and I needed to impress upon her that she must remain in the car. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Stay , You stay. Do you hear me?" over and over again.

The driver of a nearby car gave me a strange look and shouted, "Why don't you just put it in Park?"

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Uncle Joe had to get a job. The farm hadn't worked out so well, so this time he tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and decided to give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat, "And what do you use for bait?"

5.A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He looks around with his flashlight wondering, "What the heck was that?" He spots some money on a table and takes it.
Once again, he hears a voice say, "Jesus is watching you." He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it. He goes over and asks, "Was that your voice?"
It said "Yes."
He then says "What's your name?"
It says "Moses."
The burglar says, "What kind of person names his bird Moses?"
The parrot replies, "The same person that names his rottweiler Jesus."

6. There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, holds a sign up to the window that says, "Where am I?" In response, the office worker holds up a sign saying, "You're in a plane." The pilot does a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and I knew where the airport was from there."

8. John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious.

The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation.

Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.

9. It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died.

St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, which caused my death."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died?” he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this; I'm unclothed, hiding inside a refrigerator, "

10. On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight and began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy. "You won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."
The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk"?
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence, they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, but were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last, they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."
They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike!

11. A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."
"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

12. At the end of their first date, a young man takes his favorite girl home. Emboldened by the night, he decides to try for that important first kiss.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her, "Darling, how about a goodnight kiss?"

Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

"Oh, come on! Who's going to see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we got caught?"

"Oh, come on. There's nobody around. They're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"

"Oh, please, please. I like you so much!"

"No, no and no. I like you too, but I just can't!"

"Oh, yes you can. Please!"

"No, no. I just can't."

"Pleeeeease!"

Out of the blue, the porch light goes on and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled.
In a sleepy voice, the sister says, "Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss. Or, I can do it. Or, if need be, he'll come down and do it himself. But for crying out loud, tell him to take his hand off the intercom button!"

Now u‘re talking


Oya dont stop now,i need more abeg

13. Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to
dig his yearly
collard green garden, but it was always very hard
work for him because the
ground was hard. His only son, junebug Jankins III,
who used to help him,
was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son
and described his
predicament.

Dear Junebugg Jankins the III,
I am feeling pretty bad because it look like I won't
be able to plant my
collard green garden this year. I'm just getting too
old to be digging up a
garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be
over. I know you would
dig the plot for me.
Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
Whatever you do, don't dig up that garden. That's
where I buried the BODIES.

Love Junbugg Jankins III

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local
police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They
apologized to the old man
and left.

That same ! day the old man received another letter
from his son.

Dear Daddy Jankins,
You can go ahead and plant the collard greens now.
That's the best I could
do under the circumstances.
Love Junebugg III

14. TEACHER    :    Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD      :    H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER    :    What are you talking about?
DONALD      :    Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER      : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that
                     we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE        :  Me!

15. TEACHER    :   Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN         :  K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER    :    No, that's wrong
GLENN         :    Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER    :    Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA         :    Here it is!
TEACHER    :    Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS          :    Maria!

16. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear silly, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store"?

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, okay!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie"?

She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

17. A father walks into a bookstore with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.


A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

18.  My mother was a fanatic about public restrooms. When I was a little
girl, she'd take me into the stall, show me how to wad up toilet paper and
wipe     the seat. Then she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover
the seat. Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet
seat.

       Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing
over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your
flesh      make contact with the toilet seat.

       That was a long time ago. Now, in my "mature" years, "The Stance" is
excruciatingly difficult to maintain.
       When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of
Women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you
check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a
door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the
stall.

       You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter.
       The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's
Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door
hook, if there were one, but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly
drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it
on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."

       In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake.
       You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe
the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

       To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you
discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear
your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you
would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

       You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday -
the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in
the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail.

       Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work.
The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your
chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the
toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your
precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing
altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of
course.

       You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare
bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the
uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was
any, even if you had taken time to try.

       You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew,
because, you're certain, her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat
because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could
get."

       By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so
confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a firehose that
somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet
paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too. At that point, you give
up.

       You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're
exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and
then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks. You can't figure out how to
operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with
spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women, still waiting.

       You are no longer able to smile politely them.
       A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet
paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You
yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her
warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

       As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used
and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and
why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

       . . .This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public
restroom (rest you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the
men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly
asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the
other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under
the door.

19. Old Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food.'

So, he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case. The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that"?

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that"?

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

20. Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was always getting into trouble. The other brother was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never very close. The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The good brother was a devoted husband and father and supported many charities. Finally, the evil brother died. Then, after a few years passed, the good brother passed away.

The good brother went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One day the good brother went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I haven't seen him here in heaven." God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere. "I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again." "You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze into hell." So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde. The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other. Surely, hell can't be that bad." God explained. "Things aren't always as they seem. The keg has a hole in it. The blonde doesn't."

21. While watching a movie recently, I couldn't hear the dialogue over the chatter of the two women sitting in front of me.

Unable to bear it any longer, I tapped one of them on the shoulder.

"Excuse me," I said, "I can't hear."

"I should hope not," she replied sharply. "This is a private conversation."

22. One evening, an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim unclothed or make you get out of the pond unclothed."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

23. BRAIN CRAMPS



(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and Why?

Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not
live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever,
then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever,
which is why I would not live forever,"

--Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids
all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."

Mariah Carey

````````````

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.

`````````````````````````````````````````````


"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

`````````````````````````````


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.

````````````````````````````````````````````````````

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death
by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.

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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not occur."

--Al Gore, Vice President

```````````````````


"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
``````````

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"

--Lee Iacocca
```````````

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

````````````````````````````````````````````



"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

`````````````````````````````````

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

--Bill Clinton, President

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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery

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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina


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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!

24. Lies:

One day, a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river and her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped his hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked again.

The seamstress replied, "No"

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "YES."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.
The lord was furious. "YOU LIED! That is an untrue!

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have come up with Tom Cruise. Then, if I said 'No' to him, you would have come up with my husband and had I then said 'yes' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so that's why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: WHENEVER A WOMAN LIES, IT'S FOR A GOOD AND HONORABLE REASON AND IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OTHERS.

25. Good Trade

For all of you women who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine.

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. Since the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the old woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What's in the bag"? asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

26. I used to work for a multimillion dollar consulting firm doing desktop support. The gentleman who was in charge of several large government contracts decided he needed to send a letter via e-mail and wanted to know how to do so. Easy enough I suppose, until he happily handed me his letter on a sheet of paper crumpled up into a ball. "That is the letter I want to send," he said. "Can't you stuff it into the floppy drive and send it"?

My boss never could get the hang of e-mail. He only used e-mail for one thing: sending weekly messages to his daughter, an English instructor in Saipan. We will call her Mary Smith, but that was not her name. Her address was simple enough, but every week he would call me over to the computer with another problem.
Boss: "It's gone! The e-mail I just spent an hour typing is gone!"
Me: "What happened"?
Boss: "I clicked 'Send,' and it just disappeared!"
Me: "It's in your outbox, because you told the computer to 'Send' it."
Boss: "Oh."
This happened almost every week. Either that or:
Boss: "It won't let me send this message."
Me: "You need to type her exact e-mail address, not just 'Mary Smith' in the To: field."
Boss: "Well, how many Mary Smiths could there be in Saipan"?
Or:
Boss: "I send e-mail every week, they ought to know who it goes to by now!"
Or:
Boss: "I thought computers were supposed to be smart!"

27. LEROY
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and winning. Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming. Finally, Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then"?

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options"?

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want"?

Leroy said, "I want the name of the who pushed me in the pool!"

28. One day, an old lady went to the Bank of Canada with a large bag full of money. The old lady insisted on speaking to the president of the Bank in order to open a savings account because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After much discussion an employee took her to the office of the president.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.

She said $165,000.
Curious, he asked her how she had saved such a large sum of money.

The old lady said she made bets.

The president, quite surprised, asked: “Which kind of bets?”

The old lady said: “For example, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square”.
The president started to laugh and pointed out that this kind of bet was impossible to win!

The old lady replied: “Would you like to make a bet?”

“Certainly”, answered the president, “I can guarantee you that my testicles are not square”.
The old lady said to him:
“Given the size of the bet, I’ll come back tomorrow at 10am with my lawyer as a witness, if it’s alright with you”.

“No problem” said the president.

That evening, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of his mirror examining his testicles, turning them in all directions, again and again, in order to make sure that his testicles could not be seen as square and therefore be sure to win this bet.
On the next day, 10am sharp, the old lady arrived with her lawyer at the office of the president.
The president then dropped his trousers so that she and her lawyer could see everything.

The old lady came closer and asked him if she could touch them.
“Of course please do!” said the president, given the fact that there was so much money involved, “you must be 100% sure.”
The lady, smiling, started to do so,
The president looked up to see the lawyer banging his head against the wall.

He asked the old lady “What is he doing?”
She answered: “It’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10am today, I would be holding the testicles of the president of the Bank of Canada in my hands!”

29. What 'newbies' Say About Their Computer

Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah,
Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD
player and all I get is weird noises. Listen,
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
---
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one.
---
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet, it's still on my desk, sorry.
---
Tech support: Click on the 'My Computer' icon on the left of the
screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
---
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and,
Customer: Listen pal, don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates, darn it!
---
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer.' I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it,
---
Customer: I have problems printing in red.
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah, thank you.
---
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
---
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah, that one does work.
---
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
---
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
---
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry, Internet Explorer.
---
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
---
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter "a" in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
---
A female customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under Windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
---
And last, but not least,
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P", on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

30. A young man comes home and says, "Dad, I just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."

His father replies, "Okay, son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make sure the yard is neat and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."

Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand.

"Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car"?

The father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."

The son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."

"Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."

31. Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God,

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never
done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So
Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst
the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God said, "That was the screen saver".

32. An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks". A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks". A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks". A Nigerian doctor not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain- made him President, and now half the country is looking for work"

33. One night recently, my phone rang several times throughout the evening. Each time, a woman's voice asked for Ben. Each time I politely explained that I lived alone, my name wasn't Ben, and she had a wrong number. The fifth time she called, I had had enough.

"Hello"? I said.

"Can I speak to Ben, please"?

I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a message"?

"Do you know what time he'll be back"? she responded.

"I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."

Silence on the other end, a confused silence.

"Is this Steve"?

"Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben"?

"Well, he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated voice.

I replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago and said that he would be back at 10:00."

A shocked voice now, "Who's Karen"?

"The girl he went out with."

"I know that! I mean, who is she"?

"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message for Ben"?

"Yes. Please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."

She was sounding pretty irate at this point. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer"?

She exploded, "Who's Jennifer"? Apparently she wasn't.

"Well, he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry, it was an honest mistake."

"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and that she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."

I smiled and said, "Okay, I will, but Becky isn't going to like this, "

34. What is the Time?

A man is strolling past the mental hospital and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch had stopped and he couldn't tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the time"?

The patient calls back, "One moment!" and throws himself upon the ground, pulling out a short stick as he does. He pushes the stick into the ground, pulls out a carpenter's level and assures himself that the stick is vertical.

With a compass, the patient locates north and with a steel ruler, measures the precise length of the shadow cast by the stick.

Withdrawing a slide rule from his pocket, the patient calculates rapidly, then swiftly packs up all his tools and turns back to the pedestrian, saying, "It is now precisely 3:29 p.m., provided today is August 16th, which I believe it is."

The man can't help but be impressed by this demonstration and sets his watch accordingly.

Before he leaves, he says to the patient, "That was really quite remarkable, but tell me, what do you do on a cloudy day, or at night, when the stick casts no shadow"?

The patient holds up his wrist and says, "I suppose I'd just look at my watch."

u know why dont u take slowly
give us time to digest dem huh?

@yinkalink

Not again. I thought this is what you folks wanted. Sigh. Okay, these should take you this week to digest. They are repetitions of my old jokes from 2006 - if you click on my profile, you can get the rest and take all the time to digest them.
I suppose you don't mind if my new jokes are posted as before.
My attempt at customer service apparently isn't working.
Cheers

I've been laffin my ass off.

feelgood:

32. An Israeli doctor says: "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks". A British doctor says: "That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks". A Canadian doctor says: "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks". A Nigerian doctor not to be outdone, says: "You guys are way behind, we just took a man with no brain- made him President, and now half the country is looking for work" .

And Bill Gates certainly had it comin-screen saver indeed.

35. A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter "R" and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it.

To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home.

"Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare."

In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud.

The boy nervously eyed his classmates, many of them already laughing at him. He then replied, "Bob gave manliness a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough."

36. The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone. Not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone.

Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.

"Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone"?

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

37. As my five-year-old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident.

Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat, I heard his earnest request, "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

38. A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the
husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and said he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked,
"Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three
days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance. If you
knew my wife, you wouldn't want her back. Not even as a holy spirit.

39. On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten"?

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did"?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty"?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But man said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back. That makes eighty, okay"?

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

40. The Intern

While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students.

"As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

Michael, what would you do in a case like this"?

"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."

41. Children in Church

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry"?

"Sixteen," the boy responded.

His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.

"How do you know that"?

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said, 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

---

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, "Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."

"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that"?

"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand and yell, than to sit and listen."

---

A six-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service, "And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

---

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

"How do you know what to say"? he asked.

"Why, God tells me."

"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out"?

---

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go"?

---

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!"

---

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

"The Flight to Egypt," was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, "That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But, who is the fourth person"?

"Oh, that's Pontius the pilot."

---

The Sunday School teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating"?

"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

---

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, "After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, "If you don't be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!"

It worked!

42. A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was
alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.

Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you"?

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too"?

"Yes, indeed, honey," he said. "God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better, isn't he"?

43. The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers.

"Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me."

"Good. What comes after three"?

"Four," answers the boy.

"What comes after six"?

"Seven."

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten"?

"A jack," says the little boy.

44. Years ago, when I was in business, I had a secretary named Donna, who was very very pregnant. Although she was going to have a single baby girl, it looked as if she were going to have triplets.

A little girl, about four years old standing on tiptoe on the other side of the counter, was just staring at Donna in wonderment. Finally the little girl dramatically pointed at Donna's abdomen and exclaimed loudly, "What's that"?

Donna, somewhat embarrassed, explained politely to the little girl, "I'm pregnant. That means that I am going to have a baby, a girl, and it will grow up to be just like you."

The little girl asked, "Do you love the baby"?

Donna replied. "Of course I love the baby."

The little girl then exclaimed, "If you love the baby, why did you eat it"?

43. A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.

"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked.

"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.

"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150!"

44. Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.

One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend.


"My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."

Her friend asked,

"What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"

"One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go

45. A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my hair is grey, my shoulders are hunched over, I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby." She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30.

46. Why did God make Mothers - Answers from 2nd graders
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like He made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say No to drugs and Yes to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be the boss, but she has to, because dad's such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power, because that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

47. Dad: Junior, why is your bedtime prayer so short?

Junior: Because when prayers last too long, angels begin to fly out of the window

48. Men are like,

1. Men are like , Laxatives , They irritate the poo out of you.
2. Men are like , Bananas , The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like , Weather , Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like , Blenders , You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like , Chocolate Bars , Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like , Commercials , You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like , Department Stores , Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
8. Men are like , Government Bonds , They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like , Mascara , They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like , Popcorn , They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like , Snowstorms , You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like , Lava Lamps , Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots , All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

48. The Future of Airlines

Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

49. Women's advice to men

1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear
is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed
women in combat, take a poll to see which of you
successfully aim at the toilet rim.   


3. If we're watching football with you,
it's not bonding, it's their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever
you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
   
7. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the
number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

8. If you were really looking for an honest answer,
you wouldn't ask in bed.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends
keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers
are gay: we don't care.

11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance
, in fact, please do!

13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit
rather than "yours", the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt
will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system
to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt.

15. Don't insist that we "get off the silly phone"
and then not talk to us.   


16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work";
besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men,
why is it then you never want to cook?
   
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however,
very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

50. A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors' house each month.

Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms, because they are too expensive."

He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."

She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison."

He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some.

She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol' Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.

Ol' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.

About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died."

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."

It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, "I think everything will be fine now, and he left."

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ol' Spot never even stopped."