Forgiving others is like pulling a band aid off the hairy part of your arm. You know it’s going to hurt. It simply becomes a matter of when and how to do it. From slow peelers to quick strippers, there’s no sure way to escape the pain. For those unable or unwilling to forgive there will inevitably be a crisis, and a crisis to long continued can become a way of life.

Forgiveness usually occurs within a relational context and the nature of the relationship (e.g., closeness, quality) is related to forgiveness. Paradoxically, those we love are often the ones we are most likely to hurt.

When interpersonal transgressions occur in such relationships they can elicit strong negative feelings and have the potential to disrupt the relationship. Perhaps not
surprisingly, spouses report that the capacity to seek and grant forgiveness is one of the most important factors contributing to marital longevity and marital satisfaction.

Our research program attempts to document how forgiveness impacts marriage and family based on the dual premises that (a) the family is the primary arena in which one learns to forgive and (b) forgiveness can be critical to sustaining healthy family relationships.

Forgiveness and Conflict:
Conflict resolution is integral to a successful relationship and resentment engendered by partner transgressions is likely to fuel couple conflict and impede successful conflict resolution.

In contrast, forgiving the partner for the transgression is one potential means of providing closure with regard to a painful or disturbing relationship event. Forgiveness may therefore have substantial implications for long-term relationship outcomes as well as short term patterns of interaction.

Forgiveness is Not the Absence of Unforgiveness
Most research examines forgiveness in terms of decreased negative motivation, or unforgiveness (e.g., revenge, avoidance) toward the transgressor. Although decreasing unforgiveness is undeniably important, a benevolent motivational state toward the harm-doer that is not achieved simply by overcoming negative motivation is fundamental to forgiveness.
Just as health is not the absence of illness, forgiveness is not the absence of unforgiveness.

Nine Steps to Forgiveness:
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.

2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.

3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the “peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story.”

4. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes – or ten years– ago.

5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body’s flight or fight response.

6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life, that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the “unenforceable rules” you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.

7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.

8. Remember that a life well lived is the best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.

9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive...

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