I remembered the day I first tried to cook.
Then I was just few month above twelve year and was in jss2.

I came back from school that day to meet the house empty.
Mom had left a note on the table informing me that she had to quickly attend an impromptu program in church.

She asked me to check her black bag and take twenty naira to buy sugar and groundnut to drink garri which we already have at home.

I was extremely happy, I really love it when I return from school and my mom is out, freedom galore.

I swiftly took off my school uniform and put on one of my casual clothes.
I checked the bag and saw five hundred and twenty naira inside, I picked the twenty naira, bought what I needed from mummy Dami who sell menial items beside our house.

After I drank the garri to my satisfaction, I decided to go and play ball with my friends because their was no light to watch film. But to my surprise, when I got to our field, even a bird wasn't there.

Wah could be wrong, I asked myself as I decided to go to Lekan's house.
I got there and his mom told me that Lekan yaf started ile keu ( quranic recitation class).

" god why " I exclaimed. My first freedom in almost three months and I dinnoh na have anything to use it for.

I returned back home and slept off but to my amazement, I didn't sleep up to thirty minutes before I woke up.

I took out ludo and started playing with myself, after playing two rounds, I got tired and stopped playing.

I started thinking of what to do so as to whirl away time and escape boredom buh nothing good was entering my head.

I was sure all the ideas entering my head was from devil, if not, how will my mind be telling me to lose the ceiling fan and check what is making it to roll, or how is it suitable to ear that I should carry all the chairs inside the sitting room outside and start washing them with soap and water. one of my spirit was even telling me to unscrew the TV and see what's really inside it.
I knew the devil was looking for a way to cripple me but I was above all that.

I refrained myself from all the thought that could land me in hospital and decided to give sleep a second chance.

I was already forcing myself to sleep when nepa suddenly brought light.

I jumped up for joy as I swiftly switched the TV on and inserted one Jackie chan film into the DVD player.

Nepa decided to take the light at few minutes past six in the evening .
I went outside and was surprised to see everywhere dark.
I sat down outside and was expecting my mom to return.

At exactly 6:30pm, an idea suddenly crept into my head.
i wanted to surprise my mom by preparing dinner.
Even tho I had not even warm water for tea before, I was sure I could do it. I was always behind my mom whenever she's cooking and I always pay rapt attention to her.

I stood up like someone who was possessed and head into the house to get lamp before heading to kitchen. I was planning on cooking jollof rice, I brought out the pot, I saw rice, maggi and salt with thyme and curry.

I started thinking of things that is remaining for it to complete. I remember my mom use to use butter and sachet tomato, her jollof rice is alway sweet, so i was sure sugar ain't left out too.

I swiftly dash inside, took the five hundred naira remaining inside her bag and ran to mummy Dami stall.
I bought a cup of sugar, three sachet of tomato paste, I also bought those small sachet blueband three. I spent #250 on all the things I needed.

I returned back to the kitchen, lit the stove, placed the pot on it and added water inside it.
I emptied all the sugar inside the water, I added five spoon of salt and six cubes of maggi.
I also added the three blueband and the three sachet tomato paste. My village people almost had their way as I almost forgot to add the thyme and curry but my memory worked and I emptied all the remaining thyme and curry inside the water.

I covered the pot as the aroma filled the atmosphere.
After few minutes, I took three cups or rice, rinsed it and pour it into the hot water.

I left it for some minute and when I decided to check it, I was disappointed. It wasn't red like my mom's own used to be.
I was thinking what the problem could be when I suddenly saw the bottle of red oil sitting innocently on the cupboard.

I emptied the whole bottle inside the rice, a smile of satisfaction escaped my lip as the rice was finally red, even more redder than my mom's own. Who said boys cannot cook.

I left it on the fire for like twenty minutes before I decided to taste.

It was very sweet, in fact, it was extremely sweet, more than the rubbish my mom had been cooking.
I thought my mom could get angry if she taste it and saw that it was more sweeter than her own, so I swiftly scampered to one of our neighbor's house, pluck few bitter leaf.

I only rinsed it as I used knife to slice it before adding it to the rice so that it could control the sweetness.
After cooking it for twenty minutes more and the water refused to dry, I dropped it down from the stove and seived the water away. And that was how I finished cooking the most delicious meal ever.

By the time I was done cooking, it was already 7:40.

I sat outside waiting patiently for my mom, if only I had known, would have used that time to pack my loads and run out of the house.

My dad was the first to return from his working place. As he asked of my mom and I told him that she went to church, he just dropped his bag inside and left for the viewing center after he told me to help him tell mom that he had gone to watch football match.

I was sure he wouldn't have gotten to the viewing center when my mom returned.
I was extremely happy as I heard her voice from afar as she was greeting mummy Dami.

" welcome mom " I swiftly went to intercept and collected her bag.

" how was school today " she asked me.

" it was fine " I replied smiling.

" is your dad back " she asked me.

" yes, but he had gone to watch football match " I replied her.

" what's smelling like this " mom asked as we entered the house.

" it is food " I replied her.

" it only God that will save us from those people cooking poison in this our neighborhood " mom said as she sank into the chair and offered a silent prayer.

" our cooking will be late this night" she said after she was through with her prayer.
She stood up, took the lamp and head to be the kitchen while I followed behind her.

" I've already prepare dinner " I said as we got closer to the kitchen.

" you say " mom said as she abruptly halted her movement as she shone the lamp on my face.

" I cooked " I said smiling like a Fulani goat.

" my God " mom said as she hastened her movement to the kitchen.

She opened the cover of the pot on the stove and checked the rice.

" blood of Zechariah " she screamed as the cover in her hand fell down.

" she's feeling that niggar " I said in my mind as a beautiful smile escaped my lip.

She took a spoon and inserted it into the rice and took small out of it.
She shut her eye as she placed it into her mouth.

" oluwa oo " she screamed as she scampered outside of the kitchen and spit out the food.

" who asked you to cook " she asked me and I could tell she was angry.

" what wented wrong " I asked in my mind. Not after I prepared the meal very well to avoid story that touch.

" no one ma " I replied her.

" so you just decided to waste my food abi " she said as she suddenly raised her hand up to slap me but suddenly changed her mind.

" I won't even beat you, all you just have to do is make sure you eat everything inside the pot " she said as she brought her hand down.

My inner man jumped for joy on hearing that. I'll be eating my jollof rice all by myself without giving anyone, I was extremely happy.

" oya carry it " mom ordered me and I did.

" shey you wantu kill me ba, I'll make sure I kill you first " mom threatened behind me as I took the pot inside.

We both head to the sitting room, she placed a tray on the rug and asked me a to place the pot on it. She told me to eat directly from the pot since I'm the only one eating it.

She went inside and brought out two canes and sat on one of the chairs closest to me.

I smiled as I deepened the spoon inside the pot and filled it with the rice.

I put it into my mouth and my eye widened in shock. I didn't know if I had placed jollof rice in my mouth or Okoronko herbal flusher.
The rice was tasting like herbalist concoction.

I raised my head up to look at my mom and she was like " continue my son, the lord is your strength ".

I shut my eye and swallowed it. Even as the atmospherical condition was cool, I was already sweating.

I started thinking of how I'll swallow the next spoon. I knew it was either I eat the food and die or leave it and still die in my mom's hand.

To worsen the situation, the red oil I put inside was even more than the rice, it was only red oil I was seeing, no pepper, the rice was tasting bitterly sweet and I don't know if it was the maggi that made it sharp on my tongue or the salt.

The food would have done well if used as sacrifice, ancestors would have so much love it.

Me that wanted to surprise my mom now ended up been the one surprised.

I took another spoon of my herbaloff rice and put it into my mouth.

I made a retched sound as I felt like vomiting.

" if you " mom said hitting the cane on her palm to show that she meant business. I controlled myself at once and swallowed the food.

" it will not better for you oo " I heard one of the worm inside my stomach cursing me.

" mom please, I'm sorry " I started crying as I put the third spoon in my mouth .

" sorry for what " she asked.

" for killing Abacha " I cried out.

" eyah, we'll talk about it later, just make sure you finish your delicious food " she said without showing an ounce of pity.

After I swallowed the sixth spoon, a countdown appeared in my face.
The percent of my life was showing right in front of me and the more I ate the meal, the more it dropped.

My life percentage had dropped to ten percent when I couldn't take it again and ran outside to vomit . I almost vomited my intestine
I visited heaven and return.

" hope you're alright " mom asked as I returned inside.
I noticed that her weapon of destruction ( turning stick, belt, koboko, slippers, wire) were already beside her.

" yes mom " I replied.

" okay, oya continue with your food " that heartless woman uttered.

" ahhh " I screamed.

" maybe you should just kill me oo " I said proving stubborn.

" ehn ehn " she said as she stood up and pounced on me.

She beat the spirit of upcoming chef out of my body .
I almost died that day if not for the grace of God.

Well, you can call me chef Emmakulate.
Ayam Emmakulate, ur laff� master





#copied from WhatsApp

E be things

No be lie