I wish I had never met him. I wish we had never crossed paths that day at school. I wish he had never asked for my number and I wish I didn’t let him take me on a date where we spent the whole night talking — I felt like I had known him for my entire life and I never wanted it to end.

I regret letting him kiss me over and over and over again until our teenage lips were chapped and sore. I wish he never took me home to his parents, who eventually became like a second family to me. I wish he never loved me.

I wish he didn’t exist.

Because if he didn’t exist, then I wouldn’t know what it’s like to fall in love with the perfect guy, and then subsequently have to dump him because his dikkkkick was too small.

He was perfect in every way, except the one. The first time we met, it felt like there was a magnet pulling us together. I had to know him. I had to talk to him.

I wasn’t even in control of my body anymore, it was completely acting on its own accord. I went up and talked to him (something I would otherwise never, ever do) and the conversation flowed like magic.

His name was Ethan and as I introduced myself, I had to stop myself from saying “Hi Ethan, I’m in love with you.”


We didn’t stop talking. I gave him my number and we went out on our first date that next day. Things quickly snowballed into a relationship and it was the first time that I ever really understood what people meant when they said they’d found their soulmates.

“So this is what it’s like,” I thought to myself one night as he pulled away from my driveway after another five hour long date.

I couldn’t understand how a guy this incredible, gorgeous, and charming could be single. I thought for sure some girl would’ve swooped him up in high school, if she were smart.

I understand now.

But before we get there, you have to understand how utterly obsessed we were with each other. I had never been so physically, emotionally, spiritually (crazy, I know) attracted to someone. It’s like I had been put on this Earth to find him.

I couldn’t want for anything more in a person. There was no jealousy, no possessiveness, no question in our minds that this relationship was it. You could’ve offered me Ryan Gosling on a silver platter and I would’ve said “No, thanks,” and asked for Ethan instead. I was completely and irrevocably in love.

And then the p^nts came off.

We were young and in love so obviously the next step was s3x. The no-p-nts dance. The horizontal hula. Dry humping just wasn’t doing it for us anymore, so we decided to go all the way.

Neither of us were exactly v!rgins, so while it was a huge step in our relationship, it wasn’t like it was something completely brand new.

What he was packing (or rather, not packing) down there was, however, very new to me.

At this point in my life, I had seen a d?ck or two or three or more, who knows. I knew what they looked like. Sure, they differed in size, but they were all in the realm of average to above average. When I unwrapped his package, what I saw wasn’t in that realm. It wasn’t even on the same planet as “average.”

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LA click LA bend it like Beckham.