A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you are a Cop!

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then," says God,"let us see if Jesus fared any better."
Jesus enters a command, andthe screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"
God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.
The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.
So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.
Next is the engineer. He alsodecides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

Like d last joke.

Lol @ d jokes

An old farmer is sitting on hisporch when a young man pulls up in a car and says,"Excuse me, sir. I notice you have milkweed growing in your field, may I get some milk?"
The old fellow chuckles to himself and says "You can't get milk from milkweed young man."
The young man says, "I thinkI can sir, if you'll let me try." The farmer says "Well you just go right ahead then."
An hour later the young man returns four gallons of milk and sets one on the porch."Thank you sir, this ones foryour kindness." gets in his car and leaves.
The farmer is stunned. The next day the same young man pulls up and says, "I notice you have honeysucklegrowing in the hedgerow, do you mind if I gather some honey?" The farmer says,"You don't get honey from honeysuckle son." The youngman says, "I think I can sir, ifyou'll let me try." The farmer gives his consent and is amazed when the man comes back later with 4 quarts of honey and leaves one for the old farmer.
The next day the same young man pulls up and says, "Excuse me sir, I notice you have some pussy-willows growing next to your pond" The farmer jumps up and says "Hold on son, let me get my hat."

A businessman was trying to choose a lawyer, but was being very careful about it. He scheduled appointments tointerview three lawyers.
At the first lawyer's office, after an initial exchange of pleasantries, the businessman said, "Okay, let's get down to business. I have an important question for you, and I want you to think carefully before answering. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer raised his eyebrows. "two plus two is four." The businessman thanked him for his time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The second lawyer, who was also a CPA, seemed a bit more particular than the first lawyer. After an initial discussion, the businessman again announced that he had a very important question, and asked, "How much is two plus two?"
The second lawyer went over to a computer, and entered figures into a spreadsheet. "According to my calculations, two plus two is approximately four." The businessman thanked him forhis time, and proceeded to his next appointment.
The third lawyer sat behind abig mahogany desk, and smoked a cigar. He seemed rather self-important as compared to the other two, but at the same time appeared to be much more successful. The businessmanagain announced, "I would like you to answer a very important question for me, before I decide whether I should use your services. How much is two plus two?"
The lawyer pulled the shades, locked the door to his office, and asked in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I hadbeen dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me - it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-lawwas twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generallywas bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she hadfeelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my lifeto her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
Stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me andsaid, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask fora better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.

Old Jokesssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss

where is the joke ?

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his wayout of it. He had stolen moneyfrom his parents, embezzled from his employer, had and affair with his boss's wife; taken illegal drugs, and gaveVD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.",
Just as the priest finished his talk, the republican senator arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician."In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVERBE LATE!

lol at the last joke!

I've seen the one about the man and his prospective sister in law (several times)

but not seen the others. . .Nice Jokes @Poster!

​=))º°˚˚˚LoL˚˚˚°º‎​=))first joke was too funny.

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose andflapping. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgeryshe found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked younot to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I feltsad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse . She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

3 men where at the FBI Building for a job interview.
The first man walked into theoffice . The interviewing FBI agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated,and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." Theman took the gun, hesitated, and said "Sorry, I can't do it."
The next interviewee came into the office. The Agent said "To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, andgive us your all. Your wife is in the next room.I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun, walked into the room, then walked out."Sorry," he said.
The last man came into the office. The inverviewer said"To be in the FBI you must beloyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun." The man took the gun and went into the room. The Agent heard 6 shots, silence, then a lot of screaming.
The man came out of the room and said "Someone loaded the gun with blanks, so I beat her to death with the curtain railing!"

Mikuz,you do well.

Nice trend Mukiz

More Pur to ur armpits

A Blonde was drawing money from ATM, The blonde behind her in the line said,"Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password.
Its 4 asterisks(****).
The first blonde replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong, Its 1258

Hello people, I want 2 know if d Nig. Army 2011 list of shortlisted candidates is out?

El Guapo:

ROTFLMFAO

That Dude above me wan turn this thread to Dustbin!

@dustbin lol u no go kill person 4 hia

d guy miss road

busybody20:

@dustbin lol u no go kill person 4 hia

d guy miss road

why u dey comment for el. ehh sorry. Yaba right left

Ehisworld:

Hello people, I want 2 know if d Nig. Army 2011 list of shortlisted candidates is out?

Lol!

Dear Mikuz,

Beware - your thread is in danger of being derailed

Signed
(Concerned Joker)

Lol

hmmm

EL GUAPO's Son: Dad, what is the spelling of successful, , is it one c or two c?
EL GUAPO: Make it three c to be sure!

BIN GBAGBOcrying) the doctor called, Mom's dead.
Friend: condolence, my friend.
(After 2 minutes) BIN GBAGBO cries even louder
Friend: what now?
BIN GBAGBO: my sister just called, her mom died too!

Dad to son : When I beat you how do you control your anger?
Son : I start cleaning toilet.
Dad : How does that satisfy you?
Son : I clean it with your toothbrush.

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

Two christians were lost in the
sahara
desert : David and
michael. They were dying of
hunger a
nd thirst when they suddenly
came
upon an oasis with what looked
like
an emirate with a mosque in the
middle.David said to michael
“let's
pretend we are muslims
otherwise we will not get food
or
drink.I am going to call myself
Mohamed" Michael refused to
change his name “my name is
michael and I wil not
pretend to be what I am not.
Then the
imam of the mosque received
both
well and asked for there names. David
said “my name is mohammed"
Michael said “my name is
michael" the imam turns to the
helpers
of the mosque and said“please bring
some food and water for michael
only. Then he turned to the other and
and
said“well mohammed I hope you
are
aware that we are still in the
month
of Ramadan.