Posting this for a female relative:

Im a succesful career woman abroad. I worked so hard for my position that I finally got. My husband from Naija and he came here with student visa. He has his degree now but is only finding menial jobs here. He cant help that and I have been in this country longer. He is a good father and from what I see I think he doesnt cheat. He bathes the kids and takes them to school each morning. But he says because sometimes I sleep early that I should wake up early and get them ready for school. I agreed. I wake up 6.45 to get them ready its not fair because I work more than him.

I work 40 hours a week, cook and clean do all errands pay all major bills and on the nights and weekends he leaves to go work. So after work im taking care of two young children 1 and 2 and he comes back late doesnt clean anything.


For my birthday this year I wanted us to go out so I drove us all to a restaurant. He paid half the bill. Then I told him later we need more money this month. He paid 30% of the bills. Then he accused me of taking all his money when he still has a lot more money left. More than me.

I pay all the bills and make sure we are covered. He gets sad when he has to pay bills. Why is he behaving like this?

Im tired I labor myself till I cant take care of the kids. While im working he gets to come home and sleep he gets to go to school he uses the soap electricity and tv for free does not pay for upkeep of children clothes their diapets does not communicate with the daycare does not treat me well.

Does this man actually even love me? How can someone be so negligent? Doesnt clean the house barely pays for bills works 20 hours but I still end up taking care of kids after work and almost all hours on the weekends.

Does a man actually love me? I feel like im in a relationship by myself.

The person below me has something to say...

He must be an afonja man, na dem sabi do that kind thing. Tell your relative to divorce him and marry an igbo man for her own peace of mind.

You sound like a very nice woman. Pls don't bullhead anything. Gradually and tactfully get him into the fray. This you achieve by subtle constant communication of your realities. With time he will adjust further for you. He also seems a good man. So I believe he'd listen to voice of reason eventually. Do not push everything same time at him. Thats how foolish women lose their homes. Yours is a wonderful family. Best of the rest of your lives.

This reminds me of a classic song.

O my brother, O my sister.
O my brother, come and hear my story.
When man get money, woman go chop am.
When woman get money, she hide am for pant o.


Madam, from what I deduce is that you earn 10x more than your husband, He walks menial jobs while you are successful, and yet you want him to pay 50/50 or even more.
Madam you are the classic hypocrite woman.
You want him to be doing cleanup because you have money more than him.
Madam, your husband is expected to send money back to Nigeria and Nigerians don't care if you are doing menial jobs or successful. We have this mentality that, whosoever is abroad is automatically successful.
Or have you been getting advances from another man. And you want an excuse to leave him.

How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

Kingpin1000:
This reminds me of a classic song.

O my brother, O my sister.
O my brother, come and hear my story.
When man get money, woman go chop am.
When woman get money, she hide am for pant o.


Madam, from what I deduce is that you earn 10x more than your husband, He walks menial jobs while you are successful, and yet you want him to pay 50/50 or even more.
Madam you are the classic hypocrite woman.
You want him to be doing cleanup because you have money more than him.
Madam, your husband is expected to send money back to Nigeria and Nigerians don't care if you are doing menial jobs or successful. We have this mentality that, whosoever is abroad is automatically successful.
Or have you been getting advances from another man. And you want an excuse to leave him.

Im not like Nigerian women... i actually am very accomodating to the village people he gets to send 3x as much back home than when he was single because now.he has less bills to pay. Because thats what true love is. I do all the house chores and take care of the kids work full time take care of the kids every day while he gets 24 hours to do whatever. I wish I was a hupocrite woman because then i could atleast sleep at night but ive given everything for this man to succeed and he does this to me... its very unfair.

Romanoff:
How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

i told him we should pay 30 percent of our income for bills. But he pays 25% of his income and i pay 75% of my income to bills.. u get? Not fair at all!

Let no man use and fool you.


You need to discuss the finance and the house work clearly.

1. Let the contributions be fair to your earnings each....spend on percentage of your earnings. If you earn 100usd and he earns 50usd, 50% of each earning will be 50usd and 25usd respectively. That way, you are both contributing as you earn.

2. On the other hand, let the chores/rest be fair too so no one grows old or wary of the family. Discuss this clearly.

Once done, everyone will feel fairly treated. Most of naija guys married abroad use their spouses as stepping stones into achieving their citizenship and greater things. Once they get this, they gracefully move on....dont be that battered woman.

Romanoff:
How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

or wait it becomes 60% of my income for shared bills then the 15% on top is for my own bills and other household expenses i chose to provide ... honestly shouldnt a man be going out of his way to.make me comfortable? Then i do 100% of the paying 90% cleaning 90%household upkeep and childcare

DickDastardly:
You sound like a very nice woman. Pls don't bullhead anything. Gradually and tactfully get him into the fray. This you achieve by subtle constant communication of your realities. With time he will adjust further for you. He also seems a good man. So I believe he'd listen to voice of reason eventually. Do not push everything same time at him. Thats how foolish women lose their homes. Yours is a wonderful family. Best of the rest of your lives.

i hope so thanks a lot for the kind words. As u can see i want to have kindness in my heart but how can i? Im burnt out mehn :/

Romanoff:
How many percent of your salary would you estimate he earns?

If he earns less than 40% of how much you earn, he might be unable to meet up with the bills you're expecting him to pay and he still needs to have some change left after that.

As regards helping out more, I am in support that he should do more around the house.

But you will need to communicate that with love. The man no get money and is unable to meet with his financial responsibility at home, that must not be easy for him.

Treat him with respect, always encourage him that better jobs will come, communicate with him respectfully the way you'd like to be spoken to.

I see the issues you're having as lack of communication. If you both had discussed in the past about him being a stay at home dad and you the financial muscle, this wouldn't be an issue.

The abroad wey una dey, na so some couples there dey live.

Communicate how you feel to your husband, na your husband. E no go kill you.

hm he earns less than me yeah but he still earns enough u get.. as in he earns more than me when i was single and as a single madam i still contributed so much of my income to upkeep like he gets a lot of comfort from this situation. Honestly am being objective when I say I have truly tried to make life beautiful for us as much as I can

edmaraja:
He must be an afonja man, na dem sabi do that kind thing. Tell your relative to divorce him and marry an igbo man for her own peace of mind.

hahahah igbo men, how are yout hinking about them? Some igbo men go abroad and try to hustle but still get menial positions for a lot of years unfortunately. They try

Both of you should sit down and discuss the sharing formula. Better still, he should get a better job. If you earn more than him, you should pay more bills. Its all about understanding each other

JonOfAustrlia:
Posting this for a female relative:

Does a man actually love me? I feel like im in a relationship by myself.

Let me get answer from a relative of mine too.

Busybody..posting fallacious stories up and down.

JonOfAustrlia:
hm he earns less than me yeah but he still earns enough u get.. as in he earns more than me when i was single and as a single madam i still contributed so much of my income to upkeep like he gets a lot of comfort from this situation. Honestly am being objective when I say I have truly tried to make life beautiful for us as much as I can

Communicate with him.

JonOfAustrlia:
. He paid half the bill. Then I told him later we need more money this month. He paid 30% of the bills. Then he accused me of taking all his money when he still has a lot more money left. More than me.

I pay all the bills and make sure we are covered. He gets sad when he has to pay bills. Why is he behaving like this?

He makes a fraction of what you do, you can't expect him to spend every dollar he has. If he earned more than you, he probably wouldn't ask you for anything.

While im working he gets to come home and sleep he gets to go to school

School is a job, and he also has part-time employment. If school isn't a job, go be a full or part time student while working, then tell me it's not a job.

he uses the soap electricity and tv for free does not pay for upkeep of children clothes their diapers

He's supposed to be your life partner and the father of your children, and you're actually complaining about paying for basic human needs? Seriously?

does not treat me well.

You don't treat him well either.

Does this man actually even love me? How can someone be so negligent? Doesnt clean the house barely pays for bills works 20 hours but I still end up taking care of kids after work and almost all hours on the weekends.

He's probably depressed about the situation. It's harder on the male ego, and starting over isn't exactly fun. Especially when your wife treats you like garbage. A better question is if you love him.

I feel like im in a relationship by myself.

If you keep this attitude, you will be by yourself. Regardless of what you might think about him, at a minimum there's some fat girl that will gladly boo him up, let him live and eat free, go to school, and then reap the rewards of being a supportive partner when he graduates and gets a good job. If you're not careful, you'll be a bitter single mom scrolling his social media looking at pictures of him and the fat wife on a nice vacation with their kids, or relaxing in the big house he bought.

I keep saying it and will continue to say it.

ANY AFRICAN wife who provides for majority of the things in a household is simply cheating her self. See madam, a large chunk of African men will always believe that a woman's responsibility is in the upkeep of the house which involves cleaning, laundry, cooking etc.

If you like be working a 100 jobs and paying 101% of the bills, these men will still find it "demeaning" to help out in home.

These type of men will expect their wives to join them in providing but when you "beg" them as a good "submissive" wife to please help out a little, they refuse and remind you that they are men.

Talk to him to step up on his responsibility. "Never ever" allow another human being to drain the life out of you all in the name of marriage.

Its better to be single and do everything than to have a partner who gives little to no help.

Cousin9999:


He makes a fraction of what you do, you can't expect him to spend every dollar he has. If he earned more than you, he probably wouldn't ask you for anything.



School is a job, and he also has part-time employment. If school isn't a job, go be a full or part time student while working, then tell me it's not a job.



He's supposed to be your life partner and the father of your children, and you're actually complaining about paying for basic human needs? Seriously?



You don't treat him well either.



He's probably depressed about the situation. It's harder on the male ego, and starting over isn't exactly fun. Especially when your wife treats you like garbage. A better question is if you love him.



If you keep this attitude, you will be by yourself. Regardless of what you might think about him, at a minimum there's some fat girl that will gladly boo him up, let him live and eat free, go to school, and then reap the rewards of being a supportive partner when he graduates and gets a good job. If you're not careful, you'll be a bitter single mom scrolling his social media looking at pictures of him and the fat wife on a nice vacation with their kids, or relaxing in the big house he bought.

I see your judgement is very clouded yourself. You dont know who you're talking to. If you did you would know your righteous attitude is directed in the wrong direction.

I am guessing you are surrounded by people who dont respect you and you are a whitness of your acussations. You are saying more about yourself than my situation and thats that someone is treating you and your loved ones poorly. Seek God.

I wish you healing.

sisisioge:
Let no man use and fool you.


You need to discuss the finance and the house work clearly.

1. Let the contributions be fair to your earnings each....spend on percentage of your earnings. If you earn 100usd and he earns 50usd, 50% of each earning will be 50usd and 25usd respectively. That way, you are both contributing as you earn.

2. On the other hand, let the chores/rest be fair too so no one grows old or wary of the family. Discuss this clearly.

Once done, everyone will feel fairly treated. Most of naija guys married abroad use their spouses as stepping stones into achieving their citizenship and greater things. Once they get this, they gracefully move on....dont be that battered woman.

I was nodding ny head and then u shock me w that last part
How many do this � �

JonOfAustrlia:

I was nodding ny head and then u shock me w that last part
How many do this � �

Most of naija guys married to foreigners I have heard of o

When they are broke or struggling, they castigate naija girls and move towards the foreign women who "help" them get made. Once made, they start gravitating towards the naija girls because they want to grow old with someone whose culture aligns with theirs. Iranu.

sisisioge:


Most of naija guys married to foreigners I have heard of o

When they are broke or struggling, they castigated naija girls and move towards the foreign women who "help" them get made. Once made, they start gravitating towards the naija girls because they want to grow old with someone whose culture aligns with theirs. Iranu.

I wonder if two people from different backgrounds can make it through. Also what does the foreign spouse do when the nigerian guy girl does this? They agree? Did they also set up the naija person or was it just the Naija person being able to fool someone into their personal mumu for gain?

What do both get out of it? What are both sides?

JonOfAustrlia:


I wonder if two people from different backgrounds can make it through. Also what does the foreign spouse do when the nigerian guy girl does this? They agree? Did they also set up the naija person or was it just the Naija person being able to fool someone into their personal mumu for gain?

What do both get out of it? What are both sides?

Let's not unnecessarily flog the matter....a typical example is the matter at hand. Naija guys were brought up to cater for their families....see how this our Jonny is even refusung to bear half despite leaving his spouse to take on the "women" chores and breeding kids with her. It is obvious the dude wants to eat his cake and have it....only a selfish dude with an untoward agenda will pull that. Naija men take care of their own....that is what they grew seeing their fathers do and their fathers their fathers'. Not expect their wives to take the lion's share in financing and nurturing the family. The guy is an azzzzhole

sisisioge:


Let's not unnecessarily flog the matter....a typical example is the matter at hand. Naija guys were brought up to cater for their families....see how this our Jonny is even refusung to bear half despite leaving his spouse to take on the "women" chores and breeding kids with her. It is obvious the dude wants to eat his cake and have it....only a selfish dude with an untoward agenda will pull that. Naija men take care of their own....that is what they grew seeing their fathers do and their fathers their fathers'. Not expect their wives to take the lion's share in financing and nurturing the family. The guy is an azzzzhole

Do u think he could change? What would make someone change?

JonOfAustrlia:


Do u think he could change? What would make someone change?

E be like say na mid-night una dey for Australia cos you sound sleepy....let me let you rest. Enjoy

JonOfAustrlia:
Posting this for a female relative:

Im a succesful career woman abroad. I worked so hard for my position that I finally got. My husband from Naija and he came here with student visa. He has his degree now but is only finding menial jobs here. He cant help that and I have been in this country longer. He is a good father and from what I see I think he doesnt cheat. He bathes the kids and takes them to school each morning. But he says because sometimes I sleep early that I should wake up early and get them ready for school. I agreed. I wake up 6.45 to get them ready its not fair because I work more than him.

I work 40 hours a week, cook and clean do all errands pay all major bills and on the nights and weekends he leaves to go work. So after work im taking care of two young children 1 and 2 and he comes back late doesnt clean anything.


For my birthday this year I wanted us to go out so I drove us all to a restaurant. He paid half the bill. Then I told him later we need more money this month. He paid 30% of the bills. Then he accused me of taking all his money when he still has a lot more money left. More than me.

I pay all the bills and make sure we are covered. He gets sad when he has to pay bills. Why is he behaving like this?

Im tired I labor myself till I cant take care of the kids. While im working he gets to come home and sleep he gets to go to school he uses the soap electricity and tv for free does not pay for upkeep of children clothes their diapets does not communicate with the daycare does not treat me well.

Does this man actually even love me? How can someone be so negligent? Doesnt clean the house barely pays for bills works 20 hours but I still end up taking care of kids after work and almost all hours on the weekends.

Does a man actually love me? I feel like im in a relationship by myself.

He has actually proved to you that he can't kill himself

So you have to keep nagging on him till he picks up

Smh

You're inquiring for a relative but You're answering all the comments in the first person. What do you guys get from making up all these tales by moonlight

JonOfAustrlia:
1. I pay all the bills and make sure we are covered. He gets sad when he has to pay bills. Why is he behaving like this?

2. Im tired I labor myself till I cant take care of the kids. While im working he gets to come home and sleep he gets to go to school he uses the soap electricity and tv for free does not pay for upkeep of children clothes their diapets does not communicate with the daycare does not treat me well.

3. Does this man actually even love me? How can someone be so negligent? Doesnt clean the house barely pays for bills works 20 hours but I still end up taking care of kids after work and almost all hours on the weekends.

4. Does a man actually love me? I feel like im in a relationship by myself.

Marriage is an agreement between a man and woman, and the terms and conditions, particularly that which has to do with the living arrangement, caring for kids, bills etc. , remains fluid for the life of the marriage. We are humans and change is constant with us.

For that reason, it is essential for the two halves of the marriage to remain in constant communication with each other.

1. If you don't like paying more than half of the bills, you can communicate this to your partner and you can both renegotiate the plan you have..

2. If you feel you can't carry it all by yourself anymore, talk to him or seek professional marriage counseling as a couple so you both can work out a situation that works better for both of you.

3. If you need him doing more of the chores, speak up about it or broach that too when you seek professional marriage counseling so you can both iron out the issues concerning your marriage.

To be honest, Love is a concept foreign to many a married Nigerians. You only need to examine the many married-threads on here and comments from many who claim to be married to know this. They are mostly familiar love(fake) feelings induced by brain chemicals causing a tingly feeling in between their legs - that is what most consider love.

4. Please communicate the way you feel to him or better yet seek professional marriage counseling- none of the pastors or mogs nonsense abeg- so you and your spouse can get on the same page as far as your marriage is concerned..

@ jonofaustrlia

Question is, does this woman love this man? He’s still new in a foreign country, and he needs some years to advance his career and upgrade his income. Maybe he’s working at a restaurant or hospital cleaning bathrooms, and goes to school during the day.

Your career is already established, he’s still struggling to become financially stable while also going to school, raising kids and being a husband. He needs support at this time, not pressure.

One solution to paying bills in this type of arrangement is, keep your postnuptial finances together, so there’s no argument about who’s paying for what. Also, you won’t feel cheated that his % contribution doesn’t match the difference in both incomes. It’s up to you both though