My husband is a self centred person especially when it comes to finance. I have been the bread winner of the house even before we got married. Last year he got a job and I was hoping at least the burden would be taken off me but instead it’s like the Job became curse instead of a blessing. He doesn’t contribute anything to the up keep of the house instead he collects the little I make from my petty trade without paying back. To make matters worse he is having an affair! Am so confused I don’t know what to do, I have three kids already for him, so asking for a divorce might be a difficult choice to make….I need help before I go insane

Stop giving him money and focus on yourself and your children. If he gets abusive, get out of the house and get a divorce. it is better to be a divorcee that is alive than being a late wife of some irresponsible(?) man.

you have to find a way to talk to him. dont use a third party.
your first mistake was to have asked him to pay back your money. i'm sure this is a marriage and that was meant to be your sacrifice for his jobless days.

what you have to do is apologise to him for doing that and involve him in constructive investment talks. it might be, buy a land, change your home, improve your enviroment, save for a business (dont ask him to improve your business, he may think you want to start ripping him) etc, this will reduce his financial wastage strength also dont advice him to buy a car if he does not have one otherwise he will use it to convey those girls around town and add to your sorrow.

my cent

First mistake you made was marrying a man that is "not bringing in something" no matter how small or petty.Note i did not use 'Jobless/unemployed'.You can be unemployed but earning an income,there are lots of opportunities and avenues for making a lil' something in Naija especially.

Way to go:Stop giving him money,concentrate on your children instead.
Btw,have u confronted him yet?Ask him plain and straight what he does with his salary.

oh my. dats so sad. I feel for you, it must be hard giving away ur income and the loser has d audacity to cheat.
Please talk to him (even though i am not sure it would work given that he has no empathy or feelings, afterall
he is a rip off and cheater). My mind tells me he would likely bcome abusive verbally and emotionally.
My candid advice is for you to talk to him first, then start saving atleast 30% of your monthly income or any amount u think
would be reasonable enough to sustain you and your kids for 6 months in d likely event that u divorce him.

yea stop giving him money also

Divorce will not solve anything here as it will leave u worse
Stop giving him any money

how will it leave her worse? he doesnt love her cos apparently he only married her cos she was d breadwinner.
2, he is cheating
3, she doesnt need his income to survive cos he doesnt share with her and d kids anyway and he is infact, taking from hers
4. she is going emotionally insane (which is very sad and depressing for anyone).
please if u cannot take it anymore, u might be happier divorcing him. Marriage is not by force. Please dont stay
at all costs b4 it takes a wrong turn. It is not easy living with a guy that makes u miserable everyday.

dave2:

Divorce will not solve anything here as it will leave u worse
Stop giving him any money

How?

Sicherheit:

How?

Cos her husband is working too now.
As a matter of fact, i strongly advise her to stop contributing anything to the family upkeep since that man has decided to ruin his own family

Kai, kai!!! kai!!!!, this is the reason, why women do not want to marry someone without a job, kai, infact i am short of words, let me  think, hmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!. Take care of your children, now that he has a job let him care for himself, no one will say you have not done your part, your kids are your priority, let him continue to sink, he will get drowned in his foolishness, and by the time he realises, i hope it will not be too late for him, they will always loose at last.
  So, care for your kids and yourself, feed your husband ooooo (am not saying you should utterly cast him aside) but any unnecessary bill that you were paying before he got a job, should be stopped instanta, and you should start saving some money too.

Q Poster, I feel for you as the man is paying you with such act but let me as tel you this, may be you have not been doing it before, try to organise a prayer session before both of you go to bed and before he go to work in the moring, you started the prayer and let your point centred on his progress and pray against any cankerworm that may want to rob him of his blessing and make sure you pray for his going out and coming, enablement to take care of his family, as you are prayin am sure reluctantly he will be saying amen at initial stage, it will get to a stage you will ask him to lead the prayer, Stop giving him money cos you are not helping the situation, let your money be centred on yourself and your children, Yur packaging is very very important, after three children hope you are still yoursef, hope you are not the dirty type, etc, suggest some good ideas to him e.g how you people can move out of rented apartment and get your own land and start buinding yours, you as a woman there is nothing stop you from getting a land if the advantage is there, also have you been telling him the needs in the house cos some will say they did not know or he belief you are having a means of taking care of the home, don't forget the bible said (ask and it shall be , ) Also did you inform his people? cos you will be blamed at the end that you did not inform them, I mean his people o, not outsider, let them talk to him that its forbidden for man to be eating woman's food free of charge, its a curse, Man is meant to care for the family,

Poster, you heard it all. Stop doling out money to the ingrate, ask him subtly what he's been doing with his income, if he doesn't bulge, drop him and move on with your kids. When he is ready to conform, hear him out and stay happy in marriage. Divorce could be counter productive in the aftermath.

your man no dey correct. . .he's lackin a sense of responsibility. .dem suppose Zap him nyansh. . .
I pity u sha. . . .

THANKS U ALL FOR THE COMMENTS,

its might be difficult to refuse to give him money especially if he is aware that i have, anyway i will try & pray to God for a change.

@ poster

In my opinion what you need to do is to stop giving him money. If there are bills to be paid don't put yourself out by being the one to pay for them. My advice to you is based on the personal experience of 6 women I know. I mean 6 as in s.i.x and I am learning a few things from them

These six women have been paying the bills in their homes and also lending money to their husbands who by the way have jobs. They pay school fees, nepa bill, dstv, buy food etc and there is nothing wrong with their husbands. For some reason these men have decided to sit back and let their wives handle things I guess because they have seen that the women are capable OR the women have shown them that they are capable and so they relax and do nothing.

This is not a nollywood story ooh. 4 of the women have wised up (is that correct english? never mind just follow the story) and now when their husbands claim they have no money to pay the bills they equally sit back, fold their arms and watch. It hurts them to see their children suffer and they die a little on the inside, but their tactics are working because their husbands are begining to shape up and handle their responsibilities in the home.

The other 2 are just begining to learn that if they keep handling every situation their men will never grow some balls to do it. Their stories make me wonder what is happening to our men these days, where has their sense of responsibility gone to? Do we no longer have decent men who have a back for hardwork to provide for their families?

I have only given you the revised version of each woman's story, there's more but I believe a word is enough for the wise.

Dont marry ANYONE who doesnt contribute anything financially

Don't pay any bills in the house, buy food only so that the children don't starve.
If he asks about your money: Tell him business is not doing too well. And stick to your guns. If after 3 months that doesn't work I'll be surprised.
Worst case scenario: Go and report him to his relatives. Name and shame him. After all you have nothing to lose given that he is spending all his money on his mistress. Can it get any worse than that? NO

kunle_j:

you have to find a way to talk to him. dont use a third party.
your first mistake was to have asked him to pay back your money. i'm sure this is a marriage and that was meant to be your sacrifice for his jobless days.

what you have to do is apologise to him for doing that and involve him in constructive investment talks. it might be, buy a land, change your home, improve your enviroment, save for a business (dont ask him to improve your business, he may think you want to start ripping him) etc, this will reduce his financial wastage strength also dont advice him to buy a car if he does not have one otherwise he will use it to convey those girls around town and add to your sorrow.

my cent

Apologize? Even if she was wrong for asking him for money, did you miss the part where he has forsaken his wife family and is having an affair?

temiade:

how will it leave her worse? he doesnt love her cos apparently he only married her cos she was d breadwinner.
2, he is cheating
3, she doesnt need his income to survive cos he doesnt share with her and d kids anyway and he is infact, taking from hers
4. she is going emotionally insane (which is very sad and depressing for anyone).
please if u cannot take it anymore, u might be happier divorcing him. Marriage is not by force. Please dont stay
at all costs b4 it takes a wrong turn. It is not easy living with a guy that makes u miserable everyday.

Well summarized.

@poster,
many men do not know what they have until it is gone. No one deserves to be treated like this and to willingly submit themselves and stay in such a situation. Do not stay in a loveless marriage that is sucking the life out of you - and especially for the sake of your children because they are much better off with a single mom than this sorry excuse of father. First of all stop giving him money, stop giving him se.x, stop giving him anything that he is not worth and slowly devise an exit plan so that you and your children will not suffer. You are no longer bound to marriage vows when your spouse breaks theirs. I wish you the best jare.

Dis-self centred him

2makesense:

My husband is a self centred person especially when it comes to finance. I have been the bread winner of the house even before we got married. Last year he got a job and I was hoping at least the burden would be taken off me but instead it’s like the Job became curse instead of a blessing. He doesn’t contribute anything to the up keep of the house instead he collects the little I make from my petty trade without paying back. To make matters worse he is having an affair[b][/b]! Am so confused I don’t know what to do, I have three kids already for him, so asking for a divorce might be a difficult choice to make….I need help before I go insane

He doesn't contribute to the upkeep of the household, collects the little you make and if he is having an affair on top of it all your hard-earned money maybe part of what he uses to make another lady out there happy.
You can continue giving him all you have until you wake up one day and your children have nothing to eat. How about that? You can also keep your arms akimbo and not take his unfaithfulness serious until he brings in HIV na umunne ya (and its brothers) home to you?

You seem to be working hard for all of you and he isn't appreciating it, hope you don't forget to still look good for him? You must let him know that you ain't finding his cheating funny but don't be confrontational or belligerent. You should make out time for good communication sessions with him, that may help you know what you may be doing wrong and why he is straying. He should also know that you are feeling cheated in the financial aspect too, he seems to be cheating you from all angles here. Huh!
You can't be keeping quiet and getting lovey dovey when he is taking all of that from you only to come and tell us what he is doing to you here. Tell him that the money he is collecting is affecting your business and that he needs to help out too for you to stay in business, you both can devise a way/method through which your bills and family upkeep should be attended to. In the olden days men do all the upkeeping in household, these days that women work hard and contribute he shouldn't be ungrateful and selfish cheating you like that.

Must you marry? How can you marry a jobless man and then come here to complain.

2makesense:

THANKS U ALL FOR THE COMMENTS,

its might be difficult to refuse to give him money especially if he is aware that i have, anyway i will try & pray to God for a change.

Must he know how much money you have?  You need to take avantage of the weather and short-change him.  By continuing to give him money, he will continue to cheat and disrespect you.  If that's what you want, I would suggest not coming here and wringing your hands - continue doing what you are doing and he will continue to make you miserable.

Don't forget you have children watching both of you.  Although you may choose to have selective memory about his behaviour, children don't forget these things even if they can't put it into words at the moment.

Pray for your situation by all means, but your priority is your children.  Next time he asks for money, it's been spent on the children or paying some thing or trade didn't go well that day.  I'm not saying lie, but that your husband needs to know that the Bank of 2makesense is closed!

why give your husband money ?cant you use your money to take care of yourself and children ? your husband is even having an affair and you stood by him when he was unemployed some men never appreciate their wives until they chase her away thinking all women are good only to find out that it is not all women that can stay with a jobless man. my advice is use your money to take care of your self and your children. ignore your husband do things you love to keep your mind off your husband's affair or better still walk away for sometime with your children to give him some space if you can cater for yourself  and children. I think this will knock some sense into his head, the decision is yours.

N101:

Must he know how much money you have? You need to take avantage of the weather and short-change him. By continuing to give him money, he will continue to cheat and disrespect you. If that's what you want, I would suggest not coming here and wringing your hands - continue doing what you are doing and he will continue to make you miserable.
Don't forget you have children watching both of you. Although you may choose to have selective memory about his behaviour, children don't forget these things even if they can't put it into words at the moment.
Pray for your situation by all means, but your priority is your children. Next time he asks for money, it's been spent on the children or paying some thing or trade didn't go well that day. I'm not saying lie, but that your husband needs to know that the Bank of 2makesense is closed!

Madam I don't mean to be unkind but you have taken the role of his mum instead of his babe.
For a man to feel like a man he needs to be able to provide for his woman and kids and i think your "kindness" robbed him of that opportunity.
The girl outside is probably asking him for every need she has and he feels useful, he feels needed and trusted
( trust me i am not blaming u per se i am too much of a feminist too anyway)
You and your kids are more important to this man than you know but you need to change roles now,
the less you give to him -the more he gives to you!
Use your money to" fine" ,yes dress up like a woman having an affair all the time be shiny, be happy, be laughing, radiant, play with him but put you first, if the kids are hungry - feed them and swear them to secrecy ( that one will be hard on depends on their age)
Never ever pay their fees no matter what , trust me he will pay it the day before the exam.
Trust him to be the man you want and he will fall into character.
Do not  be in a hurry this experiment takes 3 months at least.

Remember you are lady in distress not bimpe akilapa

@poster u started it, so end it

obowunmi:

Must you marry? How can you marry a jobless man and then come here to complain.

Na wa oh . . . . If she had come here to say "I love him but he's jobless", I'm sure you will be the first to call her a gold-digger!

2makesense:

My husband is a self centred person especially when it comes to finance. I have been the bread winner of the house even before we got married. Last year he got a job and I was hoping at least the burden would be taken off me but instead it’s like the Job became curse instead of a blessing. He doesn’t contribute anything to the up keep of the house instead he collects the little I make from my petty trade without paying back. To make matters worse he is having an affair! Am so confused I don’t know what to do, I have three kids already for him, so asking for a divorce might be a difficult choice to make….I need help before I go insane

Story!!!!! You made a post in December 2010 about taking the WAEC aptitude test, but now you are telling us you have three kids already. I suspect your story is a  lie,

https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria?topic=569402.msg7347153#msg7347153

@ Uju: how can the wife of a jobless man be a gold digger ? Am I missin something here

@OP if your story is true am truly sorry for you cos i dont know the kind of man you hubby is atleast both should be able to contribute to the family affair if at all the guy is a bastard for taking your money and cheating on you, if he were to be giving you money and cheating that will be another case but taking from you and still cheating on you that a 2way loose damn

N.B can you defend the qoute of Genius100 is it true cos its your ID and did you have 3kids btwn Dec and July

How can you have kids for someone that is taking money FROM you instead of providing for you

abeg what kind of marriage did you do. did they have to borrow alligator pepper