Acrobatic once defined can always remain acrobatic. That was imiano's quote in 2016. People should not disturb me as to how I got it, that's Nigeria for you.

The only acrobatic thing about my landlord is that we are always on the run and being able to scale through fences is an added advantage! In fact, I wish my landlord would conduct interviews before taking in tenants so as to let them know the kind of survival skills they need to have in order to make it safely and continue their lives somewhere else and taking the matter to the caretaker committe would do the magic!

CHAPTER ONE

Our caretaker is a very stubborn man but he found an equally stubborn being in me, just that I can't match his level of madness and he reports directly to the landlord. This is someone who has been in the street for the past 16 years! Meanwhile, I am the son of a nobody!

It is said that if you throw a stick into the river, no matter how long it stays there that it can never turn into a crocodile. That is true but try throwing one of your sons into our street for just one year and see wonders! He can change into anything including a pilot.

Pilots are boys in our street that can steal. Once they snatch what you have in your hand, they will start running. I once caught one and I was nicknamed, "Osoije" with an award in the street. Osoije is a combination of two igbo words that mean oso+ije. That is, walk and run. You can imagine.

One day, my landlord called me and told me that he would want us to be allies or, "Partners" as he had put it but I failed to ask him partners in what and that was my greatest undoing.

Now, I have myself to be blamed!

CHAPTER TWO

My landlord and I have been friends on a very low key for a very long time now even before this new caretaker came in. In fact, at times, I used to go to his house and there is this fine girl in his compound that I usually take style to visit, just visit o.

You can understand, my landlord has a house where he collects money annually and also has a house where he pays money annually. He said he cannot be in the same compound with us. So, he shifted.

Whenever I go visiting, I always try to see Chineche because of her open teeth. Chai! At times, if she's not around, I would drop a note inside an empty tomatoe tin and leave! One day, my landlord caught me and said I should read what I wrote to myself but I couldn't. Chineche is the short form for Chinecherem but let me not bore you with the meaning.

Whenever I see her, I will remember pinterest and start smiling because she looks like a princess! At some points in my life, my landlord stopped me from coming to see him because whenever we were discussing, he noticed that my mind was somewhere else and that was Chinecherem's fault!

See me see trouble. Wetin concern horse and electric pole? My landlord doesn't understand pidgin. So, at times, I speak it and tell him that I meant something else. Don't blame me, I learnt it from the Caretaker!

Yes, there are actually people who do not understand pidgin English in Nigeria because they travel a lot, my landlord is one of them.

The only problem is that our caretaker usually organizes a 9-man committee to explain to him what we have said during the week and it irritates me! This is someone we pay extra cash whenever we make payments for our house rent just for him to keep body and soul together but he keeps betraying us!

The height of it was when he reported Musa to the landlord! Musa was our able chief security officer and gateman! I can't help it. Everywhere was literally on fire because Musa couldn't take it lightly with him.

That week, I packed out of the house for a little travel in another neighbourhood just to let things calm down and when I came back, they were clapping for me.

Guess what I came back with. Amara, tuwo, ewedu, sheep, kudi, kwulikwuli and maggi.

Everywhere just stew for me and in two weeks time, a trailer load of rams and different sexes of goats were delivered to me and I balanced as an Alhaji.

How I got rich remains a mystery to many (including myself) but I had to double as an intelligent officer in order to keep my sheeps off the daring eyes of the cabals.

CHAPTER THREE

Once you hear, "cabal" in my street, start running from where you are because those set of people can do and undo. The pilots are nothing compared to them. So, I could't face them alone.

One day, I made an announcement while shouting at the top of my voice saying, "This is the voice of imiano transmitting from Oronto Genesis Lubricantus Eberendu, farji wireless." Just to scare them away but I didn't know they were decoding it and even sent a copy to my caretaker who in turn submitted it to our landlord and I almost ran mad!

The honest thing is that I don't even know what those words meant but Musa said I should say them while on top of a mango tree so as to scare any potential thief away that they usually feared hard words but unkown to me, I was digging my own grave as my investment was astake.

God forbid!

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Ok oo. Arbobi, so na you be imiano wey dey disturb us for this street on top Mango tree every morning abi? One hefty voice asked me one morning as I was passing through the street on my way to fetch firewood and I was startled!

Bros, calm down. Na morning cry I been dey do. I lied just to calm my nerves.

Ok. So, wetin you come dey talk inside the preaching? He managed to ask and I said, "Jesus is Lord." At that instance, our landlord's convoy appeared and whisked me away!

While on the way, he hinted me that there was fire on the mountain as the person we duped in order to make money has discovered our trick and I was literally covered with sweat buds! So many questions popped up into my head and I wondered what I would tell my village people if I returned home with nothing. A whole Alhaji like me.

No no o, this is not happening. I tried fainting but fainting couldn't come. I wondered where those who easily faint get that strength from. "Better save your energy!" My lanlord warned, adding that, "We would need it." And at that point, I knew that another plan must have come up in his head!

While I was busy trying to faint, he was busy pulling up stunts upon stunts for survival. Only Chineche came into my mind and I was willing to pull through just to see her face again!

To my greatest surprise, the man driving the car dropped a quote:

"This also shall pass away!" And I fainted.

I don't know where the energy came from but it was unprecedented. Suffice it to say, I needed a little rest and being in Coma for 48hrs wouldn't be a bad idea.

HABA

CHAPTER FOUR

Small faint wey everybody dey faint, e reach him turn, imiano don enter comatose! The driver yelled and the guy sitting next to him added, "Ride on, Sir!" That was when I knew that I was in the midst of hardened people and at once, I knew that fainting would not help me.

When the car finally came to a halt, my landlord showed me a path leading into the bush and said that I should start climbing the mountain from there that when I receive signals, I should come back. As for him, he was going into an exile and that he had instructed Musa to take care of my sheeps. That was how I escaped lynching because the man we duped was a powerful one and a cofactor at that! We didn't know on time. By the time he was done with us, my face was already on the front pages of all the newspapers in town including Daily Sun and I was flabbergasted to say but the least.

By the time I came back, my warehouse was clear and Musa was telling me stories! He told me to my face that he sold all the stocks at the heat of the matter and went to convert the money into dollar currency but was given fake US Dollar notes and there was nothing he could do about it since that reporting to the EFCC might in turn, expose me!

I sat down on the floor. I couldn't believe it! My whole life was crashing just before me and Musa was talking rubbish just to console me. Just then, landlord's call came in and he requested to see me in his place claiming that the coast was clear.

Chineche was pregnant. I didn't know she was landlord's daughter because they were living seperately. I looked at my world, I feel finished. He said I should not worry that he would facilitate the process if I could play by his terms and conditions. A tooth for a tooth, he said.

I was to relinquish one of my toes to him so that he could sell in Malawe for $40,000.00 and help his business with it as it was falling apart due to our recent shady deals but I refused. So, he called in caretaker to tender the tape of all the announcements I had been making since and I agreed because it could become messy.

That was how I agreed and my landlord did the deed. Till today, I have not forgotten how I lost my dear toe!

Ka O diba.

CHAI! THIS IS THE PROPENSITY OF THE HIGHEST ORDER!

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