Prologue

There were different ways this could go, she thought, standing away from the crowd, as they casted sorrow glances towards her ever so often.
She could smile, but that would be considered a silent plea for help, and she would not want that.
She could laugh out loud to ease the tensioned atmosphere, but they would make her seem crazy, and sad even.
She could be sad, but it defeats the whole purpose of doing something different from what has happened, and the aftermath, seemed a lot dreadful to look forward to.
So instead, she maintained a blank expression, void of any emotions, as the wind blew through her hair, making it dance a little to it's tune, before moving over to the leaves. It scattered them gently, each one to another direction than they were.
She wished the wind could do even bigger with the little crowd gathered in front of her, but like her mother once said If wishes were horses....

After a little while of standing afar off, she drew closer, bridging the gap between herself and the rest of the attendees. Her black dress move gently as she did, leaving a trail of uncertainty as she approached.

She halted, and could feel her resolve crumble, as the face she dared not look at all day finally rested on her. The emotions were nothing catastrophic, but her heart squeezed a little tighter, causing the tear to stand at bay.

Her mother looked so pitiful, she wished she could do better. She could tell her it was all a lie, it never happened. It was only a misunderstanding, or she had taken her imaginations a little too far, but even she knew this was real. This was nothing like the little scenarios that usually happens in her head alone, away from everyone else, and just in her own world of make believe.
She could deny it, but then, how would she come up with a cover story for it. It did happen, and everything right in front of her appears more real than it should be.

So instead, she did what she could think of doing, she casted a last glance towards the gathering, noting this would probably be the last time she would see them gathered together for something of the sort, before turning on her heels.

She ran.
Faster than her feet could carry.
So fast, she felt the wind jealous of her speed.
So fast, it felt she was floating.
She hoped she was floating, so she could catch up before he disappears forever, and so she ran even more.
She could feel her lungs begging, but she refuse to give what it pleaded for, and she ran more.
Her eyes watered, and her nose began to sniffle, but she did not stop.
The sole of her feet burned, and her belly felt like a little part of it keep falling away with the wind, but she never stopped.
She ran until her breath could take it no longer, and so with one last resolve it halted, and down she fell.
Looking away to the far distance, she felt the tear drop, as she smiled in recompense.

Chapter 1

The wind hushed a silent tune.
So quiet, the sound, a solemn whisper of uncertainty.
It beat about her face gently, leaving about tiny beads of bumps over her barely visible arms.
She could feign ignorance, and say she didn't hear its still warnings, but she paid no heed to it, rather, she moved very quickly.
Her motives were quite clear, so clear, it was glaring even to the unconcerned. If she could just get there in one piece, the clouds could sorrow wail for all she cared, and it would have little effect on her, and so she moved.
Her desperate strides saw her staggering for the right footings, more often than once, and nearly caused her to make an unplanned purchase. It's a good thing, her physical self held more restraint than she knew it did.
It took all the mental push she could afford, and a little confrontation she couldn't avoid to finally get to her destination, albeit in one piece.
Her mind travelled fast, to when it could be over, and she would be back to herself, and all the peace it gave her, but even she knows she could not avoid this.
So, with what last ditch of effort she could muster, she took deliberate strides, not as graceful as she would have hoped for, but it seemed well planned enough not to draw curious eyes towards her. She walked past the hallways, past the giggling staffs, hushed whispers, and a very calm woman who seem unpleased to be doing what she was doing.
All those did nothing of physical nor mental harm to her, but she knew she had more worries far up ahead, and so she kept a tight-lipped smile, and carried on like she had prepared.

She prepared so hard, it would probably be a bad sign if she misses a step, or a smile, or even a hand gesticulation when appropriate. She would not let that stop her though, and soon enough she was seated in front of what would be referred to as characters from her nightmare, only difference, they wielded no physical weapons, nor do they seem as dramatically violent.

"We would get back to you" they had said. It may not be the best answer she could ever have received for her many babblings, but it would do. She could sense the underlaying meaning of those words, but she didn't care. She was just glad she didn't have to talk anymore, that was tasking more than she had hoped for.

It took a little while of mental accolades to snap her back to reality, one that included the warning she had ignored earlier.
It poured down like torrents from the sky, and fell too unevenly to the ground.
It made walking in it mildly painful, than she had hoped. But, it could be carrying the roofs off, and she would not have cared, nor would she have gotten under a shade. Face your fears now, and it would be over she whispered under her breath.
The blank stares she got from onlookers were anything but pleasant, but she would rather walk a thousand rain than face her failure.
Her lack of thoughts before braving the rain, made commuting a little too difficult, as no one would want to be sat close to a stranger with lack of a body warmth, nor a pleasant countenance at least, both of which she lacked. So she carried her grimace like a price, and looked ahead of her.
Their loss her head chided, and it earned itself a smile from her. A little smile of appreciation, just to show that she could still do that at least.

She entered her little apartment, even worse than she could possibly imagine, but never fazed. Good things happen to those who wait. She remembered, as she unclothed her damp self. If only the good things could hear, she was sure they would have heard by now, and offered a helping hand.
She looked out her window, standing in the littlest of warmth the room provided, as the downpour intensified.
One would wonder if the clouds were happy, or they were just too sad watching her existence. She would like to think the later, it sounded more logical.

Her eyes fluttered open to the sound of calm, the ambiance like one she could barely remember. Her eyes searched about for familiarity, before falling to the side of her still unpacked bag laying in the corner helplessly.
She drew a breath, unevenly, before gathering her thoughts to the words that would not leave her head.

Come back if it is too much... The voice sounded out.

Looking back it sounded more like a warning than the gentle assurance it intended.
She could have replied, but all she did was give a gentle nod of affirmation. Maybe her less than ideal scar is what gives off the unfriendliness, she supposed. But, that would be a lie, her scars were barely visible now, and she would have to speak to make her point known. Too bad she would not utter more than a monotone dialogue of Hellos, Thank you, Please, and her personal favourite, Nice.

As it turned out, her instincts were right. She never did get a call, nor a message for the interview she went for, but she felt more at ease than a normal person in her situation would. She stared out her window, which has become a force of habit, as it is the only thing that seems somewhat comforting. Her efforts towards unpacking seems as sad as they were packed, but she doesn't have much to make it homely after all.

Her skirt began to form a crease from the sitting she had been doing. Each minute passing by, a reminder that she had to leave the house any moment now, but she delayed still.

The plan was to stop trying. To find a less than idyllic setting that would require less of her verbal prowess, and more of her physical abilities, but it was all seeming very difficult to find. So when the call came in for an invite, she had little time to mentally prepare herself, rather she felt as vulnerable as as she had been in a while.

She contemplated sending an abrupt illness message, but the impression did not seem as ideal. So, in what last effort she could garner, she succumbed, and walked right to the front door, and right into the the arms of a very frail stranger.

"Hello" the voice let out.

Chapter 2

"You start early Monday morning, and, being on time is a necessity.
You get a day leave every month, if you do wish to take it.
Your job description will be made clear upon resumption, and any other will be told to you as well.
Would you like for us to know anything else?" The lady stopped talking and turned towards her, but all she could say in reply was a "No Ma'am".
She was too stunned to comprehend what had happened, and afraid they might see her for who she truly is, a fraud.
Her emotions were a triad of angst, fear, and happiness it would seem. She could finally be rid of having to repeat the process of explaining herself over, and over again, to different faces, and in different environments. it was relieving, but, now she has to come to the fact that, having a few minutes of conversations is possibly not as bad as she made it out to be. She now would be involved in even longer conversations, and running around to make sure things are put in place, her job description stated.
People would be relying on you now Her petrified self reminded, adding to what mental scare she was already fighting away.

"Miss Bello?"

It took the sound of her name been called out to pull her out of her reverie. And there she was, sitting in the less than empty room, like the alien she presumed she was, in front of this nice lady who thinks she could do a good job. If only the lady knew what was going through her head, she would have withdrawn the position faster than it was assigned. But, that was the scary thing about the mind. It only terrifies those it abides within, and never the ones who needed see it. If an outsider could see your inner demons, they would know not to come close, nor offer any form of opinion. The world would be perfect.
She remembered the encounter she had earlier, It all made sense. Never had she had conversed willingly with anyone, other than the one that had happened this morning. Although, as far as conversations goes, she had a feeling it wasn't as good.
"I am the caretaker of the building, and I make sure everyone finds living here less of a trouble" the caretaker informed.
"If you have any questions, or enquires, do reach out and I will be happy to help."

She wondered if only the woman from earlier on, the caretaker, could read her mind, she would know, she probably wouldn't seek her out, even if her life depended on it. It would be too much of a very stressful inner monologue, between her head, and her mind. She would wonder if she would be a burden. It felt like too much of a problem already to even think about. And so, she barely nodded a response to let her off.

"No Ma'am" She gave same monotone answer, which for some reasons, satisfied the questioning office lady. And so, she nodded her approval, and off she was sent away.

The mobile phone sat right beside the letter of employment, as she contemplated her next resolve. She had to call someone, but she could not settle for the right person. Does this even seem like a thing that would require a validation of sort. She could pass it off as something of a normal occurrence, but even she knew if was a lot more than normal. And so, before she could think it off, she dialed, and placed the device to her ears, for fear of last minute jitters.

She never left the house. She never does leave though, only when necessary, but this was different. She did not even look out the window like she normally would do.
The dread began to sink in, as the day of her resumption continued to draw near. Her belly sang a sad tune, and eyes wandered from one end of the ceiling to another. She could feel her hands tremble, and her insides twisted like they were being strung out.

It would all be fine She tried, but her head mocked, It did not seem that way. Would she be let go before she even begins her position, or would she even show up. Her eyes could bear it no longer, as it let out a silent tear before it closed its tired lids.

Try to show up... She heard the faint whisper, before it all turned silent.

Chapter 3

The events of the past days were anything but desirable. One moment she was hoping she would disappear, the next, she was standing in front of big sliding doors, contemplating an exit plan.

She was earlier than instructed, but then again, she was never one to break a set rule. She could've stayed back, she thought. They wouldn't notice, it was her first day anyway, how will they know, but her nagging conscience would not let her. So she braved the morning cold, wavering thoughts, quivering steps, and soon enough, she was the only person there was. This could be a sign, she thought, but her thoughts are seldom in agreement with her, and this day is no exception, and soon enough, she was no longer the only person after all.

The little walk back to her house was not an unpleasant one, but, today she felt drained from all the new knowledge she had to absorb. The instructions were never ending, but she hoped it kept coming, because, if it stopped, she would be required to converse, and that seemed even more scary.
She unconsciously began to count the steps, leading to her house, noting to step away from the cracked tar that formed the road. Her each step drew her closer to her house, but she was far too gone to realize that, as she counted even more in her head. Her slow rhythmic movements saw her moving further away from reality, as her thoughts were consumed by that which had taken over her consciousness.
It took a shadow, advancing her peripheral view to drag her back to reality, and soon enough, her emotions began to scamper about for fear of a confrontation. She came to a less than abrupt stop, her eyes shutting, as her entire being awaited the unknown, but it never did happen.
After a while of no encounter, she dared her lids open, but saw no one in front of her. Turning around gently, she saw the receding figure move further and further away from her sight.

With what happened earlier quickly forgotten, she laid her handbag to the side of her bedside table as she got to her home. She let out a sigh of relieve, before looking out the window. It was good she whispered to thin air, before laying on her bed, faced buried deep to the pillows, welcoming wholeheartedly, the fatigue as it took over her being.

"Hannah, my name is Hanna". The lady which looked almost similar her age spoke, her pearly white teeth glistened, as she offered a conscious smile towards her. "What is your name?"

Hannah stood, hoping she would get a reply from the strange girl of whom she has never heard speak a word, since she joined the company, but she did not get one. Rather, the girl offered a little nod and walked away, her strides like that of someone, purposefully walking slow, but fast enough to get away.
On normal circumstances, she would be offended, but she was not deterred, rather she felt even more committed in knowing this strange girl.

Hannah waited until the close of work, bid every of her colleagues goodbye, and even the strange girl, who only nodded, and never spoke a word, but the message was passed.
She stood out of plain sight, a little outside the exit, as she awaited her strange colleague to approach. Deliberate as she was, she feared she might not get what she wanted, but for some reasons, she has been drawn to the quiet girl, that nobody knows anything about.

It took a few minutes of waiting, before her target approached. She straightened up, held he bag to her shoulders, and with a little smile resting on her face, "Hi" she sounded out, causing the unknowing girl to stagger backwards in fright, before getting her bearings together, almost immediately.

After what felt an acceptable amount of apology, she was back to smiling, hoping it would be reciprocated, but the lady would not, rather she tried as much to walk away from her, which proved futile to the determined Hannah.

"If you do not talk to me, I would be forced to keep following you" Hannah threatened, earning a halt from the silent girl. She did not know if it was a good sign or not, but she hoped for the better. But her heart sank when the girl finally turned around, her face visibly tired, and frail.
She had a shadow of faded scars on the side of her face, and her hooded eyelids look like they have seen more scares than the average. She looked so pale and skinny for her age, and her hands began to shaken involuntarily she supposed, as the strange girl hid them away from her sight.

"I.. I just want to know your name, I am sorry if I..." Hannah stuttered, hoping she had not offended the girl. But before she could say another, the girl finally spoke.

"Amanda, my name is Amanda".

Chapter 4

The little bird hopped, one tiny step after another, chirping away as it did. It felt as though it was making a conversation, as it chirped on and on. But, it did have it's intensions in mind she suppose, as it drew closer towards her unafraid.

Little Amanda held the small grains a while longer before setting all of it at her feet before stepping away in order not to hinder the bird's meal.
She watched as the little bird pecked away, beckoning to his friends or family she would presume, to join in the feast.

"Daddy, do you think they understand themselves?" She had asked, and the answered provided seemed to satisfy her curiosity, because she smiled, looking wistfully. If only she could do same with peers. She never did.

Older Amanda stood a little distance away from the pharmacy, note in hand, but feet unwilling. It felt as though she had found a way to get past it, but all it took was a little harmless confrontation to have her becoming that which she was all over again.

Her eyes began to water, as the note in her hand shook to the unsteady rhythm of her trembling hands. Her heartbeat was rapid, and it banged in head like a drum.
She tried willing her feet to move, but it would not budge.

Just breathe She remembered, but finding it quite a difficult to do at the moment.

Empty your minds, it is all in your head she echoed from within, drawing the much needed breathe lest she passes out.
"Empty your mind, it is all your head" she whispered, a little lower for the normal hearing person, but just right enough for inner herself. A little mantra she picked up for whenever it happens.

It took more of her murmurings, before she could hear her environment once again. The sound of the lone cyclist going on his merry way, a woman with stiletto heels that left a sound with every step she took. The sound of the transparent pharmacy door been pushed opened by an outgoing customer, who was limping a bit, but steady enough to walk on his own.

She took the door hinges urging it back to being closed as an indication to finally move, and so she did.

She felt tired as laid on the bed, eyes gazing at the unknown, and mind in a place she wished she could escape to.
Nowadays, it rarely gets this bad, as she had trained herself not to fall into it as often. But, she can't help it as the lone tear, hanging onto her lids finally made the lazy stroll down the side of her face. She was tired.

It took a while before she could will herself up, opened her purchase, and inhaled a little, as she pondered the effect it would have on her. She ran all possible scenarios in her head, and it all seemed logical of sort, it is needed. And so, with what little resistance, she snapped the bottle cap, and took two pills from out of the bottle, and into her mouth, sending it off with the bottle of water that stood on the table.
Her head hurt, but it seemed to be fading away from the relieve that was pills provided already. She moved back to the bed and laid, awaiting the calm that follows thereafter. It is never always far behind, it comes and overtakes the worries which her mind never seem to be rid of.

She is never going to see Hannah again, she thought before the calm enveloped her consciousness.

Chapter 5

She stood afar off the crowd, as she looked directly up the blazing morning sun. The effect was dire to her eyesight, but she seem to enjoy the pain as it pierced through her eyeballs, and into her head. Her head felt heavy, and dizzy. Her eyes formed a little pool of water under her lids in protests, but she would not budge, her gaze never wavered. One would say she was punishing herself, but she did not understand the reason why.

She had written the mail of resignation earlier on, and sent it over to her former place of employment, and it felt like a little part of her fell away once again. It happens more often that she would let out, but rather she bottles it all up, and now she cannot stop herself from hurting, so she resigned to her fate and held on longer.

The sunlight became harsher with every unwavering gaze, and her neck pleaded but was ignored Her throat felt like they could speak out, but they cannot, she had control over them. The tears began to free-fall over the side of her face, every drop left a fiery trail down her cheeks, and unto the ground.
Close your eyes the voice whispered, and against her will, she eyelids fluttered shut. The quiet she expected was anything but it, her ears hummed a whirring sound, and her head drummed in response. Her eyes burned, and her heart was beating faster than normal. It all felt comforting as she drew in breathe after breathe to steady her beating heart. She felt a little alive again, and so after while she began her walk.

There was a lot of noticeable things she saw along the way, like the hawkers who never failed to announce their wares, the cars that passed by seconds after seconds, leaving a wave of breeze in its wake before speeding past. The billboards with different images, and different display each one with its message to the anyone who cared.
She didn't know where she was going, all she knew was she has to keep walking if she wanted to remain sane, but somehow, she still craved the calm she had left behind.

It took a little while of walking, before she stopped. She looked over her environment, and she realized the noise was no longer there. It had a way of announcing that she was still conscious, and can still be heard if she tried to speak, but she never does speak. The quiet scares her, but she dwells ever so often in it.

She looked to her right, and saw what seemed to be a garden. Everyone one, with his companion, as they giggled, and spoke in hushed whispers. She could do that too she thought, but her subconscious knew she never will. She made her way through the fields, making sure not to come close to anyone.

She maneuvered her way through, and soon enough she was seated on the ground, away from all of it, her eyes set towards the little body of water that seemed to be housing tiny creatures. The squeaking sound they made felt comforting, as she heaved a sigh of relieve, her eyes closed voluntarily. Before long, she was lost again in her head, all the scenarios playing like they already practiced their lines. Each with its view and opinion, and more vivid than the previous. Her head felt crowded, but she could do much about it. She just held her breath and sat through it like she always does, but then she heard the foreign voice. She searched through all the different voices, but could not find the source of the strange voice.

It sounded out once again, a little louder than before, but not fierce either, just curious. She realized, it was not in her head, but rather in her surroundings, so she opened her eyes, and she was right. He was squatted in front of her, a puzzled look on his face. His forehead created a worry crease, and his head bent to a side to have a good look at her, she presumed.

"Is everything okay?" he asked....