Hmmn

Mrlance15:
Whatever my mum did is Thier business, he is a man that is known for bailing and abandoning his responsibility, refusing to finance my university education is because of my mom too? So because my mom wronged him her children should pay for it? I dropped out cuz he refused to fund my uni education, I was very brilliant and promising, he let all that potential die because he's someone who flees from responsibility, he did the same for my brother and he also did diploma and stopped schooling.

He stopped her from doing anything, don't travel, don't get a job in another place, don't do this don't do that, you'll cheat, etc infact he was so paranoid that he stopped my mom from doing anything, this caused issues that our extended family had to interfere and his excuse was he can't let her work elsewhere or far from home that she would cheat and become a loose wife, and her kids will grow without a mother watching them, that he is capable of taking care of her that she is not supposed to work that she should be a stay at home wife, that was when my mum was agitating to earn on her own, now he has forgotten all that and withdrawn after making my mom spend years doing nothing, he also refused to finance her schooling for same reason, you won't understand sha until you meet this man.

Sorry bro...it's a bad experience I can't lie..

But come to think of it, why are u all dependent on him?? If he's not providing why are Ur brothers and u not carrying Ur crosses?

As in, a person who is parentless is achieving grt tins in life and even going to school and graduating??

Looks like Ur brothers are the lazy type sha, cus as a man I don't see u limiting ursef just because a father did not provide.

Before I went to school I looked well and saw that my parents are incapacitated, I had to halt the motion and learn a bricklaying first because I know if I don't have any handwork but depending on my parent I might end up cursing them as u re doing to Ur father now.
After I finished the apprenticeship I went straight to obtain jamb form and from there I got admitted.

I worked in almost every part of the southern Nigeria during my studentship just to gather school fees and other fees with minimal help from my mother.
Glory be to God I am done and even married, tho I am not doing the bricklaying work again cus it has served its purpose already..

Young people need to be looking inwardly very well before they embark on a mission, it's a different ball game if u have a helper, but if u re not having then pls help ursef out. Even orphans that doesn't know how their parent look like are making waves...


The bottom line is, Ur brothers don't have excuses

And u, if u re not careful, Ur children will blame u for what u think u don't have power over but in reality it's in Ur control.

Buckle up man and stop the blame game

tonicyril:


Sorry bro...it's a bad experience I can't lie..

But come to think of it, why are u all dependent on him?? If he's not providing why are Ur brothers and u not carrying Ur crosses?

As in, a person who is parentless is achieving grt tins in life and even going to school and graduating??

Looks like Ur brothers are the lazy type sha, cus as a man I don't see u limiting ursef just because a father did not provide.

Before I went to school I looked well and saw that my parents are incapacitated, I had to halt the motion and learn a bricklaying first because I know if I don't have any handwork but depending on my parent I might end up cursing them as u re doing to Ur father now.
After I finished the apprenticeship I went straight to obtain jamb form and from there I got admitted.

I worked in almost every part of the southern Nigeria during my studentship just to gather school fees and other fees with minimal help from my mother.
Glory be to God I am done and even married, tho I am not doing the bricklaying work again cus it has served its purpose already..

Young people need to be looking inwardly very well before they embark on a mission, it's a different ball game if u have a helper, but if u re not having then pls help ursef out. Even orphans that doesn't know how their parent look like are making waves...


The bottom line is, Ur brothers don't have excuses

And u, if u re not careful, Ur children will blame u for what u think u don't have power over but in reality it's in Ur control.

Buckle up man and stop the blame game

I have two brothers, one is older than me and not doing fine, the other is just a kid in secondary school, I'm the middle child.

And as for hardworking I am very hardworking, I'm paying rent, feeding, school fee at my age, if this isn't being hardworking I don't know what is, do you know what it is to fend for 6 people?

Mrlance15:
I have two brothers, one is older than me and not doing fine, the other is just a kid in secondary school, I'm the middle child.

And as for hardworking I am very hardworking, I'm paying rent, feeding, school fee at my age, if this isn't being hardworking I don't know what is, do you know what it is to fend for 6 people?

One tin about life is that Ur struggles are not respected, to feed 6people is no joke..that is why I am telling u that all the money u need to invest into Ur future should not all be used for feeding...else Ur children will blame u as u re doing now. And the funny tins is that telling them u once fed more than six people would look like a fable to them.

Wait, that Ur brother, is he not having any handwork??, Or maybe didn't he learn any trade??

tonicyril:


One tin about life is that Ur struggles are not respected, to feed 6people is no joke..that is why I am telling u that all the money u need to invest into Ur future should not all be used for feeding...else Ur children will blame u as u re doing now. And the funny tins is that telling them u once fed more than six people would look like a fable to them.

Wait, that Ur brother, is he not having any handwork??, Or maybe didn't he learn any trade??

I paid for him to learn fashion design, work is not coming.

Mrlance15:
I paid for him to learn fashion design, work is not coming.

Lol

Funny guy

Tell him to go and learn a trade bro, I recommend a trade..

Like buy and seling of commodities

Mrlance15:
■ ...and pushed the weight on my mom, [b]she took care of us until her shop died, cuz she paid everything from the shop until we grew up, you see why I feel I can't blame her? When she has money she did for me without questions, now that things are bad for her I should turn my back on her, I don't care much about my brother because he's an adult, but what about my mum who did all she could when my dad started withdrawing.

1. Forget sentiments abeg! You need to take full honest stock of the current situation. You live with two able-bodied adults, and you are struggling under the weight of having to carry it all by yourself, something similar maybe to the same load your mother had on her that caused her business and life to implode. You came here to create this thread because you cannot see a way out by doing it all by yourself and as such you need help, right? Well, guess what? You have two able-bodied adults living with you that could share that load and make it significantly lighter for you to bear. Problem is, you are shoving sentiments onto the table before you have even begun on the path to solving this problem for all of you.

Your mother still has your siblings to raise, and she has loans to deal with. They are her responsibilities and not meant to be yours, no matter the fact that she is your mother. In loving homes, parents work themselves to the bones to make sure they do not offload their bills and issues unto their children. That is how it is supposed to be. However, in Africa where poverty mentality is the ultimate, parents do not mind offloading their issues onto their children, forgetting that by doing this, they essentially chain their issues to a life in poverty as a result of this.

Your desire is to be financially stable, and that is why you came running here, right? You don't want to have to be shackled with bills for any longer than you already have, right? You don't want to watch your siblings continue to live in squalor while you continue to struggle endlessly to get nowhere fast, right? Well, continuing down the same path as before is not the answer. You need to begin doing things differently. And if you are honest with yourself, you will see why you need to cut even your mother off so she can take back the burden which had to begin with. She needs to get back up and continue her duty as the parent in your arrangement.

tonicyril:


Lol

Funny guy

Tell him to go and learn a trade bro, I recommend a trade..

Like buy and seling of commodities

You can only force the horse to a river not force it to drink.

Kobojunkie:
1. Forget sentiments abeg! You need to take full honest stock of the current situation. You live with two able-bodied adults, and you are struggling under the weight of having to carry it all by yourself, something similar maybe to the same load your mother had on her that caused her business and life to implode. You came here to create this thread because you cannot see a way out by doing it all by yourself and as such you need help, right? Well, guess what? You have two able-bodied adults living with you that could share that load and make it significantly lighter for you to bear. Problem is, you are shoving sentiments onto the table before you have even begun on the path to solving this problem for all of you.

Your mother still has your siblings to raise, and she has loans to deal with. They are her responsibilities and not meant to be yours, no matter the fact that she is your mother. In loving homes, parents work themselves to the bones to make sure they do not offload their bills and issues unto their children. That is how it is supposed to be. However, in Africa where poverty mentality is the ultimate, parents do not mind offloading their issues onto their children, forgetting that by doing this, they essentially chain their issues to a life in poverty as a result of this.

Your desire is to be financially stable, and that is why you came running here, right? You don't want to have to be shackled with bills for any longer than you already have, right? You don't want to watch your siblings continue to live in squalor while you continue to struggle endlessly to get nowhere fast, right? Well, continuing down the same path as before is not the answer. You need to begin doing things differently. And if you are honest with yourself, you will see why you need to cut even your mother off so she can take back the burden which had to begin with. She needs to get back up and continue her duty as the parent in your arrangement.

Yea, I understand you perfectly, cutting her off is harsh sha.

I’m so sorry you’re in this plight. Okay. My advice is that you need to make some life decisions henceforth. Let’s say, you see this year as the last year you’ll slave away for your family. What do I mean.

(1) Send your brother to driving school and let him get the driving licence.
Then, get a cab ( like korope) or maybe even a salon car for Uber.
Pay some down payment and put the remaining on hire purchase. (If you’re able to pay at once, it’s also good). If it’s hire purchase, let the instalment be in your brother’s name so he can remit the agreed amount as at when due. You and your mum can be the the required guarantor. Your brother’s case is settled.

P.s: After doing this, you are absolved of all further responsibilities over him. This has to be done asap cos if he’s your elder bro, he’ll want to have a family or maybe someone might even get pregnant for him. This will indirectly be your burden. So act fast.

(2) Your mum had a supermarket so she really won’t want to do any “downtrodden” work. I pray God will bless you abundantly and enlarge your coast. If you live in a residential area, you can get her a grinding machine for pepper and buy freezer for her to sell ice blocks. Guess she might need a generator too. At least for a start. Later, you can open a shop for her to sell frozen food or even gas cylinder filling shop. Whatever you decide.

Another thing she can do is to o poop en a daycare/crèche for a daily/weekly/monthly amount.

Concerning the rent, I pray God’s blessing over the works of your hands. God will marvel you with riches so that you can purchase a land and built a house for her.

For your dad, just assume you are on your own and ignore him

As I said, this is just for this year. See it as your final great sacrifice. Then, move out next year and invest in your life and plan for the future.

irijuola:
I’m so sorry you’re in this plight. Okay. My advice is that you need to make some life decisions henceforth. Let’s say, you see this year as the last year you’ll slave away for your family. What do I mean.

(1) Send your brother to driving school and let him get the driving licence.
Then, get a cab ( like korope) or maybe even a salon car for Uber.
Pay some down payment and put the remaining on hire purchase. (If you’re able to pay at once, it’s also good). If it’s hire purchase, let the instalment be in your brother’s name so he can remit the agreed amount as at when due. You and your mum can be the the required guarantor. Your brother’s case is settled.

P.s: After doing this, you are absolved of all further responsibilities over him. This has to be done asap cos if he’s your elder bro, he’ll want to have a family or maybe someone might even get pregnant for him. This will indirectly be your burden. So act fast.

(2) Your mum had a supermarket so she really won’t want to do any “downtrodden” work. I pray God will bless you abundantly and enlarge your coast. If you live in a residential area, you can get her a grinding machine for pepper and buy freezer for her to sell ice blocks. Guess she might need a generator too. At least for a start. Later, you can open a shop for her to sell frozen food or even gas cylinder filling shop. Whatever you decide.

Another thing she can do is to o poop en a daycare/crèche for a daily/weekly/monthly amount.

Concerning the rent, I pray God’s blessing over the works of your hands. God will marvel you with riches so that you can purchase a land and built a house for her.

For your dad, just assume you are on your own and ignore him

As I said, this is just for this year. See it as your final great sacrifice. Then, move out next year and invest in your life and plan for the future.

Thanks for this valuable advice, it kinda lifted my spirit because I've been depressed for so long, and the funny thing is 90% of the reasons why I am depressed is because of my family's problem, not even my own problem, I have been shouldering this for more than five years and I realized I'm not getting any younger, I need to find a way to let them down easy and break this circle cuz I have problems too that no one is helping me to solve, infact no one cares about my personal problem they're only concerned about what affects them not me, it's like I'm taking care of people but there's no one taking care of me.

As for my dad it's cool, I have moved on, It feels like I don't even have a dad cuz he doesn't have any impact in my life as a father should so I don't expect anything from him, not when I am now an adult capable of taking care of myself, I don't need him when I was little I won't begin to need him now.

Mrlance15:
■ Yea, I understand you perfectly, cutting her off is harsh sha.

1. If you want your family to rise out of poverty, you have to take harsh steps in order to secure your future and that of your entire household. It would be ideal if you could take time to come up with a good plan, sit everyone around the table and let them know what is up and how you think they can all come together to make this work for all of you.

Mrlance15:
You can only force the horse to a river not force it to drink.

Ur statement (to me as a yorubaman) signifies that he's lazy...

Mrlance15:
■ As for my dad it's cool, I have moved on, It feels like I don't even have a dad cuz he doesn't have any impact in my life as a father should so I don't expect anything from him, not when I am now an adult capable of taking care of myself, I don't need him when I was little I won't begin to need him now.

1. Forget that side entirely abeg, for your own sanity's sake.

Mrlance15:
Thanks for this valuable advice, it kinda lifted my spirit because I've been depressed for so long, and the funny thing is 90% of the reasons why I am depressed is because of my family's problem, not even my own problem, I have been shouldering this for more than five years and I realized I'm not getting any younger, I need to find a way to let them down easy and break this circle cuz I have problems too that no one is helping me to solve, infact no one cares about my personal problem they're only concerned about what affects them not me, it's like I'm taking care of people but there's no one taking care of me.

Don’t be depressed. Just see this year as the year you’ll have a final impact on their lives. Let me share the story of my dad’s family with you so that you can learn a lesson from it.
It goes thus:
My dad’s younger brother married and things took a downward turn for him. In my own opinion, I think the wife married him cos she felt he had a rich elder brother. My dad was responsible for a lot of financial help towards him. But things didn’t really take a good turn still. When my dad was close to retirement, he bought him a cab, spent so much on the cab to put it in perfect condition, close to 1 M. My dad told him, I’m close to retirement and I want you to take care of this cab so that it will yield for you. He took the cab and used it recklessly without servicing it or even saving from it. After some months, the cab developed numerous faults. One day my dad saw him inside a public transport and asked him about the cab. The man said it’s spoilt. My dad told him to repair it from savings he made while using it. Alas, no savings. My dad stepped in again and repair this cab close to 200K. He started using the cab. Do you know one day, he came to my Mum’s shop and when he came, my dad asked him about the cab. The man said it’s at the vulcanizer that he’ll be going back for it. It was later he confessed that he needed money to buy tires. My dad told him to get a loan by himself and repair it. I’m sure he was surprised.
This same man wanted my dad to carry all the cost for his daughter’s wedding even after my dad had retired. My dad just ignored him and gave him some funds as his own contribution.
The worst thing is that during any occasion in my family, this man and his family will come, ordinary agege bread, he has never given to us. My dad’s retirement came, his friends and coworkers gave him gifts, his brother as usual brought nothing.

So I still stick with what I said, use this year to invest in them and withdraw massively starting from next year. Start preparing to move out so that by Jan 2024 you are already elsewhere. You have your life to live. You would have done your best. Then, you can send occasional stipend till you are established and overflowing.

Also, if it’s possible, get a government job like security for your brother using his SSCE.
May God bless you.

Klass99:


Please do not listen to Kobo and cut your mother off, she didn't intentionally or willfully create these circumstances by her choices.....the way losing gamblers with their constant gambling create bad circumstances for themselves.

You saw her do her best for all the children including the ones inherited from the first wife, you know that for 20 years the proceeds from her supermarket provided for all of you. I am sure the debts she incurred were taken because of her kids. How old is she now? Her youth and strength are probably gone and there is a serious age bias in the marketplace where older job seeking candidates are often discriminated against.

Someone kept hounding me about needing a restaurant manager. I sent an older but experienced caterer to him and the idiot said he was looking for someone less older and agile. I told him to find his own workers and leave me out of it henceforth. The lady I sent to him is extremely good at what she does, but you see how her age/lack of youth worked against her, abi?

Your mother doesn't sound like a lazy, entitled or bad parent, she is just an unfortunate woman. If you must cut off anyone it should be your elder brother because he still has his youth and strength, his hands are not broken neither is his brain malfunctioning but I am not even suggesting that, I'm just saying.

If you can help your mum start another provision store or kiosk it may ease the financial burden on you or maybe a POS business for your brother? But I think you need to have cash flow to sustain a POS buiz.

yes age isn't on her side, and I remembered her as a dotting mother who never fails to give me pocket money when I am going to school, clothe me and provide basic needs, she's not capable anymore otherwise she'd have sponsored my education, she even sold her car for us, she use to have one small golf car, I feel I owe her alot, she's in her 60s, she will clock 70 soon, someone as young as me is finding it hard to keep up talkmore of her, I'm not absolving her of any blames, I actually feel like she's the actual victim in all of this, because she ignorantly obeyed her parents and got married to this man untainted, she had no dating experience prior to this whole sham of a marriage and she has been paying for it ever since, she's so depressed with high BP that requires regular hospitalization, infact I'm just tired, life lost its meaning I'm just waiting to go.

irijuola:


Don’t be depressed. Just see this year as the year you’ll have a final impact on their lives. Let me share the story of my dad’s family with you so that you can learn a lesson from it.
It goes thus:
My dad’s younger brother married and things took a downward turn for him. In my own opinion, I think the wife married him cos she felt he had a rich elder brother. My dad was responsible for a lot of financial help towards him. But things didn’t really take a good turn still. When my dad was close to retirement, he bought him a cab, spent so much on the cab to put it in perfect condition, close to 1 M. My dad told him, I’m close to retirement and I want you to take care of this cab so that it will yield for you. He took the cab and used it recklessly without servicing it or even saving from it. After some months, the cab developed numerous faults. One day my dad saw him inside a public transport and asked him about the cab. The man said it’s spoilt. My dad told him to repair it from savings he made while using it. Alas, no savings. My dad stepped in again and repair this cab close to 200K. He started using the cab. Do you know one day, he came to my Mum’s shop and when he came, my dad asked him about the cab. The man said it’s at the vulcanizer that he’ll be going back for it. It was later he confessed that he needed money to buy tires. My dad told him to get a loan by himself and repair it. I’m sure he was surprised.
This same man wanted my dad to carry all the cost for his daughter’s wedding even after my dad had retired. My dad just ignored him and gave him some funds as his own contribution.
The worst thing is that during any occasion in my family, this man and his family will come, ordinary agege bread, he has never given to us. My dad’s retirement came, his friends and coworkers gave him gifts, his brother as usual brought nothing.

So I still stick with what I said, use this year to invest in them and withdraw massively starting from next year. Start preparing to move out so that by Jan 2024 you are already elsewhere. You have your life to live. You would have done your best. Then, you can send occasional stipend till you are established and overflowing.

Also, if it’s possible, get a government job like security for your brother using his SSCE.
May God bless you.

Thanks once again, I'll put this to good use, maybe it'll work out, I failed to mention that his siblings are worse than he is too, they don't even know we're existing, anyways it's all good.

Klass99:


I am glad to read the text in bold, please don't ever turn your back on her. She has done her best with the hand life dealt her abeg.

Your father is truly an asshole from everything I have read so far and the real definition of a simp, not the definition immature boys throw around here on nairaland.

Ya he's a total nightmare, who turned my mom to a punching bag until I grew up and we had a big fight, I didn't hit him or anything but I assured him that this is the last time he lays hand on my mom, and he accused me of being bewitched by my mum that I am too blind to see reasons, since when is it wrong to defend my defenseless mother, no one can abuse her, not while I am alive.

Kobojunkie:
1. Forget that side entirely abeg, for your own sanity's sake.

Thanks.

tonicyril:
Ur statement (to me as a yorubaman) signifies that he's lazy...

He's not lazy, he's just not as smart and ambitious as I am, he's literally cool with any condition he finds himself, so the will to be something greater is not there neither is he even bothered, he's only worried about today's bread, tomorrow will take care of itself, that's his mentality.

Kobojunkie:
1. If you want your family to rise out of poverty, you have to take harsh steps in order to secure your future and that of your entire household. It would be ideal if you could take time to come up with a good plan, sit everyone around the table and let them know what is up and how you think they can all come together to make this work for all of you.

So how will they survive while I am taking the hard steps, I'm keeping an open mind about any advice, that's why I brought it here, what would you do in my shoes that won't affect your mother in a certain way, will she starve while you're formulating the harsh decisions.

Mrlance15:
■ So how will they survive while I am taking the hard steps, I'm keeping an open mind about any advice, that's why I brought it here, what would you do in my shoes that won't affect your mother in a certain way, will she starve while you're formulating the harsh decisions.

1. First of all, exactly how old is your mother?

I am older than you are and 65 is around the corner for my mother and she works by the way.

Kobojunkie:
1. First of all, exactly how old is your mother?

I am older than you are and 65 is around the corner for my mother and she works by the way.

she's in her early sixties

Mrlance15:
she's in her early sixties

1. Did you know that Nigeria just elected a 71-year-old diabetic man as president and that man will have to use his head and work his body extra hard for a whole nation?

Mrlance15:
My mum is unemployed, thanks to my deadbeat dad, I'm a middle child in my family, the siblings before me aren't doing well, and the two after me are just secondary school kids, my dad never invested in us educationally and in other relevant areas he's obligated to perform, infact he bailed on us and start living on his own, he even stopped financing my education I had to drop out, so I'm a uni drop out rn, he believes taking care of your children is not his responsibility and he doesn't owe us anything, that after secondary school he has tried and doesn't owe you university or anything, he always tell us that helping us isn't his obligation that his little contribution which is primary school education is mercy enough, he made it clear we won't inherit anything from him that we should go and hustle on our own, he actually loved his first kids more, he gave them everything and neglected me and my siblings, he always lament on how he prefers his first wife to my mum and we're liabilities, this is because his first children are well to do and they send him money from time to time with a stern warning that he shouldn't feed us with the money they sent, and they told him that if he wants to keep recieving the money he should alienate himself from us (me and my siblings) so he did that, my dad is a terrible person, everything I have said is just the tip of an iceberg but I won't go into everything in detail.
My problem is everything fell on me due to my dad alienating us and my mum being unemployed, among my siblings I'm the only one doing well financially, it's not enough but I make average money from time to time with freelancing.
Feeding is on me, rent, hospital bills, my mum is indepted to many people and I work tirelessly to clear her dept gradually, this made me take loans and all, now I'm in my 20s and I haven't done anything with my life, I have no savings, no car, nothing, because everything I make goes into family upkeep, everything is on me, even my older brother rely on me for recharge card, that's how bad it is, so I'm the only one carrying everything, my problem now is since family issues won't let me invest in myself, will I be in this endless circle of redundancy and turn out to be a failure later in life? Because at my age I should have savings or move forward in life, I'm always broke because any money I get goes into family problem, I don't do anything for myself and I'm close to 30.

Sorry for being in such a terrible situation

If your mum had married a caring Batchelor, your dad would have been committed to you guys

If your mum was an independent woman who struggles without waiting for her husband, she would have been better than this

Most men who later marry second wives are less caring about them because the first wife will play her game to pay the second wife back when the man is getting older and her own children must have been established

So your dad is dancing to the tune of the first wife at the detriment of your mum and her children

Just do the one you can and leave the rest

Problem no dey finish for family matters

Bro bail ooo
Dem go survive if dem no see u

Make ur mama go find cleaner job ooo

frozen70:


Sorry for being in such a terrible situation

If your mum had married a caring Batchelor, your dad would have been committed to you guys

If your mum was an independent woman who struggles without waiting for her husband, she would have been better than this

Most men who later marry second wives are less caring about them because the first wife will play her game to pay the second wife back when the man is getting older and her own children must have been established

So your dad is dancing to the tune of the first wife at the detriment of your mum and her children

Just do the one you can and leave the rest

Problem no dey finish for family matters

ok thanks

No matter anything your mum is also a part of the blame like seriously who has an elderly son doing nothing in this harsh economy,no matter anything there should be one of your step siblings who can help considering she trained them,no child forgets his experience with guardians in this life... Their mum left your dad to marry someone else right why blame your mum then? you are too overprotective of your mum try to open your eyes as well to know that she isn't perfect too, your dad is something else entirely that's how some men behaves they hate catering for their kids, they prefer using it to entertain themselves or buy clothes.
Start ignoring some of what they are doing tell your mum to help you out as well, with time you will prevail,let one of your brothers learn aluminum work it pays,tiles work too...I know of a woman who fries akara and her senior boy is helping her out,if your mother owns a shop, your siblings would ruin it for their personal interest. If not for anything I would have said you should travel out of Nigeria, but your family would mismanage your funds.

May God help you especially your future wife and kids, families like this kill the successful ones to earn their success in the society...no matter anything remember this you aren't indispensable if anything happens to you now your family will still survive, Thank you.