@charlione and kumbalo
U are guys after my heart.

@ Poster
Now, i get the picture. This is real yukky (makes face of disgust!!!). what's wit the vag*** and all. this is emotionally traumatic. she should feel really really bad cos i would. NO ONE should be allowed to go through such an experience especially women cos we are more emotional.

A loving confrontaion should start, not do(note my choice of words) the work. It's hard to change anybody's mind especially when they think they are saving the world as in the hubby pities ex becos of smelly vag***

linapeace:

that he is justing pitying her because no man will want to stay longer with her because her vaginal is always dirty and it smells. but the most annoying part is he still have contact with his ex which the woman involved don#t appreciate.

Still she needs patience and perseverance.  This poster might just be PASSING THROUGH, it doesn't call for divorce. It might just be a phase thath needs just the right wisdom to successfully get to the other side. I know it might be real painful now but if she holds on she will smile again. She certainly needs LOADS of prayers, the next key thing to do.
Every marriage has its upheavals every now and then and statistics say its always critical inthe first 5years then 10. after that, ceteris paribus they sail through.
I rest my case for now.

I am looking at many possibilities. My goal is however to help and not complicate issue.

Please follow me again:

Number one: it is rare to find a cheating man knowingly sharing the secret to the medium of communication betweem him and his cuncubine (whether ex or current ) with his wife. Therefore, for that man to share the password of his email with his wife must mean:
1, he has nothing to hide/he is hidding nothing from his wife. Good or bad.
2, he trust his wife and believe the wife would understand when he explain to her. In this case he know he was wrong but probably fighting his guilts or
3, he is trying to bully his wife and inflict pains on her delibrately, knowing that the wife is either a toothless bull dog, or an unwanted domestic servant, or a mere baby manufacturer. Don't forget, I earlier pressumed that he married the lady because of his need for children. If my presumption happen to be right, then the wife is being used. Maybe it is time to dump her! On this presumption, divorce is not the best option now. She would LOSE EVERYTHING and probably found herself in Nigeria with the so-called ex taking possession of the home and children! You know the ex is barren, she would be glad to see this happen! This is just a possibility but we must consider every possibilties and plan for them. The evil doer must not be given a trophy for hurting innocent people!

Number two: the wife might be a jealous type. Who could not stand her husband proximity to other women. She may have good reason for nurturing that emotion just as the hubby have his reason for maintaining contact with his ex. I brought thejealousy topic into this based, on what you said that whenever she complain the man said her "own is too much".

If this the case, then I have no reason to blame the lady. She has the right to be jealous when her husband keep sending love messages to his ex. Maybe she overeact.

Number three:

so many more!!! Let save it and find solutions.

Now before I make my own suggestions known, I want to add a few more lines based on my own "imaginative" perception, my instinct.

If they were married for four years and only been living together for two years, there is a natural deduction from this. Please, linapeace, try and correct me if I made a wrong assumption. I am using my intuition and my instinct to decode the past and bring up the picture live so that we would be able to deal with it. I am not a prophet or seer. Just someone with intuition.


The man live abroad and the lady live in Naija. The ex lives? abroad, and her relationship with the man had come a very long way. Long before he met the wife.

When the man "toast" the wife, who was in Naija online, on phone, while the ex gave him the real Bleep. Therefore the attachment (to the ex) grew stronger but the commitment grew weaker. The man know he would NEVER marry her. He was using the ex 4 sex.

After marriage, the wife had a baby and in the African tradition went to live with the husband family to raise the first kid.( Am I right?) It was after two yearr that she was able to live with her husband. Baby two came just before they fully settle down. Naturally, the wife would have been preoccupied with nursing pregnancy and raising kids to observe that her hubby is flirting under her nose.

Take note that this husband is a "sharp shooter" a sexually virile young man.( I am correct?) if that be the case, it is obvious that he was f**king the dry smelly virginal of his ex during the two years the wife was serving her in-laws and raising kids in Naija!

I don't know how truth this can be but that is the predictable partern.

The man may love his wife but find it difficult to extricate himself from a lady with BOTTOM POWER. Or he might as well be a slave to his own passion. Either way, the wife must be determined to win by whatever means she can!!

The wife must not give up without trying to win her possessed husband, What can she do? Plenty, plenty!

This is the first time i'm actually seeing something in nairaland thats really touching. All i can say is i'm not like that and hopefully will never be. @poster, take heart.

@ ola, well, i`m kind of feelin u, kind of
so whats this plenty plenty u`ld advice her to do??

my advice is for her to keep praying and continue to show love and affection to her husband and kids and remain faithful
''God neither sleeps nor slumbers,he will meet you at the point of your need''

There was a story of a patience woman who married a man that live abroad.

After few years, the lovely man became hostile and started avoiding her and her foods. He no longer fancy her. In vain she tried everything with no result.

Somebody, suggested that she visit a herbalist for love charm so that she may win back her husband love.

She went to the most powerful man she could find in her village. After listening to him, the herbalist told her he would need a milk from a lioness that had just given birth. The milk would be used to make a love concoction that would bring joy to her marriage. He made it clear that the woman must personally get the milk.

After a long search, she finally located a lioness that had just delivered a baby. The next task was how to go into her den and get the milk. She know this mean death. But she was determined to win her husband's love. To her, dying is far better than living a hell of marriage.

She reasoned that if the lioness is a female,then she won't fail to recognize love. She employed her feminist instinct, tenderness, and power to move near to the cubs. She took care of them until she won the heart of their mother who was now relaxed and less threatening. She then shifted attention to the mother lion in the guise of helping her take care of her cubs.

Gradually, she moved to the mammary gland and tenderly extract her milk without raising suspicious. When she was through, she use another trick to escape the Den without the lioness suspecting anything.

Once out of sight, she ran with joy of escaping death and of getting her heart desire-the milk.

When she presented the milk to the herbalist. The later smiled and told her that she would now return to her husband and win his love with the same trick she employed to win the lioness love!

Disappointed, that that was all her efforts could get her, she nevertheless tried it and it worked. She won back her husband heart without a charm,

Women, with all their power can melt the heart of a stubborn man. During courtship, these power were freely deployed to cement even a turbulence relationship. Sadly, after wedding, some of them simply go to sleep especially after having children: leaving their men at the mercy of other women. I am sorry if that line hurt, but it is the truth.

Go back to drawing board. Dust your skirts and blouse and begin a process of seduction! He is your man, what are you waiting for? Let the other lady do it for you and lose him. The only option other than this is Babelove option of reciprocity. Ramseh Nouah option!

Prayer can move the mountain. But "NOT WHAT HE WISHES AND PRAYS FOR DOES A MAN GET, HIS WISHES AND PRAYERS ARE ONLY GRATIFIED WHEN THEY HAMONIZE WITH HIS THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS".

So PRAY. And as you pray, do sumthin positive.

Find Job to do starting from now. Persuade your husband to get you something that can bring you money. Just in case.

The ex is a woman like you, there must be qualities you get that made your husband choose you over her in the first place. There must also be something she get that keep your husband returning to her. Find out your strength then maximize them. Find out her tricks then "steal" it! Apply it on your man and see if you can't keep him glue to your bedroom.

Stop getting jealous. If you feel anything, don't be overtly jealous. It scares men. Show your man why you are the better option. Be strong.

Divorce should not be your first option, you may not need it.

Let try it from there. I am sure the elders would add more to it later. That is why I said plenty plenty.

You can win! Stop crying. Let your confidence return. Cheer up and be positive. Tell yourself, "no matter how hard it is, I AM GOING TO MAKE IT".

Don't suffer in silence and don't be hasty to run out of your home with nothing. If you have faith in God and ready to work on the lapses, you will thank God.

Cheer!

This story is very touchin and my heart goes out but girl, u have to b strong and u have to b wise!

You won't get anywhere sitting at home crying so forget that (it will only make u feel sorry for yourself)!

In this life there are always choices, and this is where u have to start -do you want to stay and work through your marraige or do u want to leave? the choice is yours. As christians, we know that marraige is an area of "real" testing and to give up is NOT to grow up. if u run when things r bad- u'll always keep running.

My tips to u "if" u decide u want to stay and make it work are:

1. u have no business with the other woman so don't waste ur time trying to confront or fight her or reply her email (that's just waste of energy and she fit abuse u -soo tee-).
2. u need to win ur man back and this is where ur focus should b
3. get a babysitter for ur kids (ask family) and GET A JOB- the first thing men complain about is finances and how their wife isn't supplying any and who better to complain to that the ex! This also tells your man that ur too busy for this crap!
4. in the bedroom you need to make the action long and sweet, and make sure ur in control of the flow (i no fit teach u this one oooh- my only pointer is u need to b on top)
5. u need to please ur man, don't stop ur wife duties because of whats happening
6. talk to friends and family on the phone in his presence (about everything else but the situation) laugh out loud and enjoy ur self -this will help u take ur mind off whats going on and ur man will respect u for being strong through this dificult time (basically, ur too busy for this crap)
7. spend time with him without the kids, (u don't have to go out) -show him that u're interested in whats happening in his life, treat him like a big baby (cuddles, kisses- pay him attention) and he will gradually open up
8. u also need to be looking good always, 4 months is long enough!
9. u want to get to a position where ur man is content at home (he'll then have no need for conversations with the ex)
9. pray, put it in Gods hands. this is last NOT because it's the least important (it's the most important) but it doesn't work alone (u have to act in the natural which is reinforced with ur prayers in the supernatural)

there is only so much we can all say but i pray that God will give u d wisdom to c it through!

@olanajim,

going through your long documentary is tasking but it was worth the pain.

I hope you are not transforming to a prophet? You will get my support anyway.

You have simplified the whole wahala in a language even a baby can grasp and that is commendable. I agreed with your suggestions. May God bless the lady.

@Babygirl,
I feel you. Just as olanajim had said but with outline. I guess the lady want to stay and I am sure she would follow the link.

@poster
i have thought very hard about this and i think Olanajim is right. tell me ,how long did u know your husband (i assume the lady in question is you) before you got married? what tribe did u say u're from?
if u're ibo then i would say that ur husband probably married you cos of family pressures and the need to bear children. and do you know why he cant 4get his ex? its because of the sex!
im sorry to say but u have to be more inventive in your lovemaking but not so much so he starts thinking something else. that is the advice id give you for now coupled with what i said earlier "make yourself even more attractive to your husband"!

one last thing: try to ignore your husband when it comes to his ex.pretend that u dont care.i think he's trying to make u jealous.concentrate on the things that matter(winning your husband's heart).

@poster.
this lady needs 2 b strong at a time like this ,in as much d man has not stop taking care of her kids which is much more important here . she should just put d man at side and take care of her children and stop making babies , she should look good at all times not putting d stress on her head. doing this will always make her happy and busy with hersef and better still she could engage herself in some activities dt will make her 2 forget any pains the man might be given her.and also put it into prayer cos there is no situation too big 4 God 2 solve.

@Poster

Much has really been said/written and I pray God to order your steps. But do permit me to add this

1. Get on your knees and talk to God about it, ask Him to rebuild your home. Once you've laid them down at His feet, Do not bother yourself about the problem again.

2. Live dutifully; Find some work to do. Engage yourself in some lucrative task and focus less on the ordeal because the more you focus on your mountain the bigger it becomes.

3. Don't react negatively to your husband about the whole issue. . . .but love him. Show your unfeign love towards him and your children for by so doing thou shall heap coals of fire on his head. Romans 12:19-21 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

4. It's your River Jordan woman! and you've got to cross it, At one stage or the other in our lives, we all have different life challenges and jordan to be crossed!!! "And what worked for A may not work out for B"  So, Divorce or remarrying isn't the solution in here, You've got to face those mountains once and for all before they could be placed behind you. Joshua 3:1-17

Prayerfully do this and let God have His way.

It is well!!

All the Best.

hi olowo Tee.
long time. if you are online try IM me. I am waiting

@ Olanajim and babygirl
I love u guys! Took the words right out of my mouth. Poster should just follow what these two elders have prescribed and with time, her malady would be cured.
@ Poster
Look up and live.U've got just 1 life to live.Live it well. Take God as your greatest confidante cos he never lets down. KEEP PRAYING. u could never do that too much.
It's just a test, u will pass.

@ olanajim

Yet I am not using the mirror on Bebeelove but if my name were

liable to use the mirror I would rather tell you who to use it for than who I use it for.[/color][color=#990000][color=#990000][/color]

Mellow,
So who do we use it for? Or who do I use it for?
Or who do you use it for?

And where is Olanajim?? Got your offline msgs.
Tanx

i think i'll run with BABEELOVE on this ine

My two cents
This is clear case of arrangee wife

the guy has been abroad married probably to a foreigner who couldnt or didnt want kids

family pressures him to get naija wife so naija wife gets pregnant and when the opportunity comes hubby brings her over

\now she is not yet legal so she cant just get a job and work

so wiv 3 kids she's stuck at home at his mercy since he has pali

she finds out abt the ex but the ex is not in her league, hubby cant ignore ex cos thats how he got his papers

current wife really does not have a relationship because it was 'arrangee' and she just jumped at opportunity to relocate

BABEELOVE are you MILITIA

@olanajim, cool postssssssssss

thumbs up, sure made a lotta sense,

olanajim:
I am looking at many possibilities. My goal is however to help and not complicate issue.

Please follow me again:

Number one: it is rare to find a cheating man knowingly sharing the secret to the medium of communication betweem him and his cuncubine (whether ex or current ) with his wife. Therefore, for that man to share the password of his email with his wife must mean:
1, he has nothing to hide/he is hidding nothing from his wife. Good or bad.
2, he trust his wife and believe the wife would understand when he explain to her. In this case he know he was wrong but probably fighting his guilts or
3, he is trying to bully his wife and inflict pains on her delibrately, knowing that the wife is either a toothless bull dog, or an unwanted domestic servant, or a mere baby manufacturer. Don't forget, I earlier pressumed that he married the lady because of his need for children. If my presumption happen to be right, then the wife is being used. Maybe it is time to dump her! On this presumption, divorce is not the best option now. She would LOSE EVERYTHING and probably found herself in Nigeria with the so-called ex taking possession of the home and children! You know the ex is barren, she would be glad to see this happen! This is just a possibility but we must consider every possibilties and plan for them. The evil doer must not be given a trophy for hurting innocent people!

My guess is that it is No. 3.

The guy probably got careless and power drunk, and asked his wife to reply the mail to his -ex, because he felt the wife would do as she was told, and would not complain about it. Haven't you seen some bad guys who commit crimes and then they make a slip in one area of their operations, which gives the police the much needed clues they need, that ends up proving their guilt? Well, I think that was what happened in this case. He got careless and gave the wife his password, to check his mail and post a reply, because he had gotten away with so much in the past. So he no longer cares what his wife now thinks, because he is so confident he will get away with it all again, at the end of the day.

Finally, I do believe he has a lot to hide. That is why he is still trying to be in the good books of the -ex. Forget all the crap he said about his -ex. There is definitely something still going on between them.

salsera:

BABEELOVE are you MILITIA

Of course she is. Don't tell me you didn't know that all this while??!

My dear, there's nothing i can say for now but SORRY from the depth of my heart.

@olanajim
Want to really use it on somebody but don't want to say the person yet.[/color][color=#990000][/color][color=#990000][/color][color=#990000]

Make una see me see trouble o!

These broads make it look as if everything under the earth is the fault of a man. How else do you want a guy to treat you when you act like a money-grabbing w@$re? When your pockets are lean these broads don't know how to help bring a brother up, when your pockets are fat its another thing entirely, they're after you like ants on sugar. The broad is lamenting because he's communicating with his ex and screwing up: Dump or Divorce him, You don't need the grief, life is too short!!! I bet if this fellow was broke she'd be gone in a moment.

I spent 2 years of my life taking care of some dumb broad, paying bills and trying to be there when I could, yet this "big eye" girl; kept looking at other guys because she was looking for ready made material with a house on the hills and all round first class tickets to paradise ( I was spending close to 30-40k a month on this dumb broad and we were still in university o!). Even here friends were like relax, this guy is trying, he's spending and trying to be there for you, calls you up regularly to find out how you're doing, what more do you want? Imagine a friend of hers coming up to me to tell me she didn't still belive chaps like me still exist. Yet, did this girl see reason- No the grass was always greener elsewhere: gimme,gimme, gimme. Come to think of it I can't remeber getting 5 things out the relationship - It was all debit and no credit.

In the end I thought and asked myself :" No be you put yourself for condition". I walked away from the relationship and found my way, now I treat them all as they come, becuase after all its all about the money. Nigerian women are too damn materialistic and they want a guy to do every bloody thing in a relationship as soon as they give a guy sex, its as if they have given hime the whole world and thus he must comply with theire very demand. If you want love show some self-restraint and respect, look for the man and not his pockets, you are the ones who turn men into the monsters you now call them.

i appreciate all you have said my people, olanajim, babygirl, olowotee and the host of others who in one way or the other gave a reasonable advice, God will continuely bless and replenish your wisdoms in hundreds fold.

to those who said it linapeace that has the problem, you may not be far from the truth cos i just cameout from mine and entered a friend´s that was why i didn´t know what to say rather than crying.

even those that said it is arangee wife issue,u are totally wrong.( lets assume its me now>) my husband met me when i was about gaining admin. into higher studies, he loved and cherished me.he told me he was divorced and married me, he promised me better edu.abroad which he proved by enroling me in an internationally school in naija, i finished with a flying colour, i had our babys, before joining him.


so know what to say and how.

There is something about your last posting which convinced me that those people you mentioned are seers. One of them even went to the extent of creating a movie picture which turn out to have elements of truth even though he was not there. That guy deserve a medal.

It is therefore your duty to reflect deeply at their contributions. For it seem there is a voice of God behind those voices of mortal. Indeed, they would have wasted their energy if you fail to study their recommendations. May God bless you for being honest. Now, I know that some guys on Nairaland can't be ignored. God bless you!

God bless you Linapeace. Keep us updated. We pray for a happy home for your friend. Prayer will not fail.

LINAPEACE

JUS KEEP FOLLOWING PEACE WITH ALL MEN.
I ASSURE U THAT GOD WILL TAKE AWAY UR SORROW N GIVE U JOY

TAKE CARE

@poster
"weeping may endure for a night, but Joy comes in the morning"
It is well! and All the Best


@Olajimi
Tomorrow is hmmmmmmmmmmh!! Please, start ordering for cakes and drinks because you've got a whole lot of fans on this forum. _{Don't forget me ooooo}

Sept 18th       remember?? All the best

How do you know that

Ok!!Let me remind you Kindly check this out: https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-67072.0.html

Happy Plus One and Many happy returns on your day, Long Life and Prosperity Hip, Hurray

Congrats!!