i got married to an igbo man from Aba. i am Irish. we got married in 2002 in Ireland and had a great relationship most of the time (we did have our fair share of fights). in June 2004 he told me that he had slept with another woman and that he was sorry and wanted us to make a fresh start and that he told me his confession in order to move on. i could never forgive him and every time he left my side i thought he was out with other women and my town in Ireland is small and all my friends and in fact everyone knew about my husbands affair before i did and i felt like he had come to my town and disgraced me in my hometown. i really did try and make it work but in the end we split. i saw another man for a few months but it didnt work. i met up with my husband and we agreed to move to London away from everyone and make a go of it. i moved first in order for him to arrange all his documents and move to London legally with me as he still does not have a european passport. he never moved always giving me one excuse or the other but he did visit me about 3 times but we never got involved sexually as we wanted to wait until he moved to London and we start everything again. i moved in Feb 2005 and by Dec 2005 i talked to him and he agreed that he thought he was never going to follow me. i gave up everything for nothing. i found out last week from a friend that another woman gave birth to a baby boy for him last week. i rang him and he confirmed this and i feel he is still involved with this other woman. my heart is broken and my life is ruined. what should i do. i know i need a divorce but dont feel i have the strength. i have a very close male friend who is a yoruba man and he is helping but he went to Nigeria yesterday and i really am struggling without his support. please your words and comments would help me

am so sorry dear, it really hurt, i know how you feel, i just hope dat when ppl ain't interested in sum1 aymore, tell da person and move on, dear, try and cope, get a divorce as soon as u can and try and move forward. if you have da number of ur yoruba friend in Nigeria, call him once in a while if itz gonna make u happy, sorry and hope u find happiness again

Thank you. he gave me his number but i cant get through to him. called his brother who is not with him at the moment so just have to wait until he calls me. god i am feeling so depressed

I am really sorry to hear that and i guess you must be hurting real bad. I know what it feels like to give up everything for a man and get nothing back. Your heart, your pride everything hurts.
You ´may not belive it today but you will get over it, and be a wiser and stronger person in your next relationship.
I think most men have a polygamous streak in them.

So sorry about this, stephanie. Thanks for having the courage to share your experience with us. Very few Nigerian man would stay in a relationship and agree not to have sex unless they are getting it somewhere else. Sad.

Stephanie,

Like the others who have commented here I, too, am very sorry to hear of this perdicament.  I can't pretend or even begin to imagine what this must be like for you.  I see that you were strong enough to pick up from Ireland and move to London for a fresh start with your husband.  Since he is not willing to do that, there is nothing stopping you from continuing that fresh start.  

I'm sure it is hard, and it will be hard for a while.  Wounds of the heart are never quickly healed, it comes with time.  You seem to be a strong woman and a determined one, too.  Your life is far from being over although I can think it must feel that way.  Use this as an opportunity to start over.  You have a blank canvas on which to paint your future.  Take hold of that and remember life is never over until you're dead.

Keep moving, sis.  The best way to get over the past, it to look towards your future.  I know you can do it and I'm sure you'll be a better person for it.  This man shows a lack of respect for you and no one deserves disrespect.  You're better than that.  I know it will take a while and I know it hurts but this too shall pass.

@};~~

Thank you so much for all your comments. my husband rang me this morning from Ireland and i told him that it was totally over and again he is telling me it is not. he is not with the mother of the baby and wants to move to London now ASAP but still he said he will continue to support his child financially but that he wants me in his life that i am his wife and thats it. dont know what to do. he still holds my heart and i hate that fact. i dont want to ruin my life here in London what do i do.

Stephanie,

I know this must be a real hard and confusing time for you, and we could give you all the adivce, be it good or bad, we can think of. Ultimitely it comes down to you, what you want. Maybe you can take a nice long break from him and focus on finding out what it is you want. Clear your head of what your Nigerian friend says, what your family may say, what your husband says, and what we here at NL have to say and find out what it is you want. I'm saying this because we may not know the whole story so we'd be making one sided suggestions.

Take some time, write it out or do whatever it takes. Find out if you think this marriage is salvageable or not.

i really wish i could meet all of you and sit and talk face to face. i love u all thank you

Flower you are a real big help.

Stephanie, I'm glad to be of service I hope it works out.

@flower,
Indeed you are a blessing to us all here. I'read through some of ur entries here in the family section, and I must say your views should be taken strongly. You've been married for just a couple of years and you are this farsighted in marital things. I'm impressed.

Your husband should be congratulted - for getting a good one out of so many out there.

stephanie,i must confess i feel ur pain and i can truly imagine what u re going thru right now,its a trying period but my dear you have to be strong for urself and move on with life.Yes u gave up everything for ur husband but be sure of one thing you will find peace within urself someday and if truly he loves you and u love him you will definitely forgive him ,dont doubt it , its happened before , and all this comments will hold no water to you.I dont want to be judgemental cos i do not know to what extent is his relationship with the mother of his child but whatever right now ur decisions are based on what you feeling.You really need to take a break ,clear ur head and make the very best decision bout this matter ,dont be pushed into making another mistake and i pray God be with you and strenghtens you 2 get over this pain soon`.

Ono, I am humbled by your words.

Dupsybaby:

You really need to take a break ,clear your head and make the very best decision bout this matter ,don't be pushed into making another mistake and i pray God be with you and strenghtens you 2 get over this pain soon`.

I second that prayer.

I'll pray for you.

thank you guys

this is so sad; am ashamed for that nigerian man. Imagine the effrontery telling you that your still his wife; once beaten twice shy - shine your eye.

Sterphanie

I really am sorry for this situation, because this igbo guys is closing the door for the good igbo citizens,

Why is it hard for guys to say their mind? what excatly do u want? NSA? serious relationship? marriage for visa? and whatever perverts people have in relationships,

Again, i am really sorry about this, and here are my few suggestions.to think about

Does he need u to get paper to work legally or does he need u for real?
Getting a child from another woman, is it cos u 2 have agreed to not have sex until u move to london? Maybe he couldnt stay without sex,
Have u seen his parents? Any plan on going to nigeria with him? I think u need to visit his family in nigeria and i think that if he can do this for u, then he might be for real,
Finally, I suggest u go for spa once in a while to relax your feelings, it really helps people in distress

well i did plan to go to nigeria. i had my ticket and everything but i cancelled it when we split when i first found out he cheated on me. i am going to move on. i have a lovely new friend and partner and will try my best to move on cause my new partner does not deserve to be hurt over that stupid igbo man. my new man is yoruba and he is so so so so lovely. he came back to me from nigeria yesterday and i truely have feelings for him and am thinking of taking my relationship with him to a new level

Qhat is rhar sueposed ro mean-stupid Igbo man?
From oneNigerian to another- Nawah O!

nawah:

Qhat is rhar sueposed ro mean-stupid Igbo man?
From oneNigerian to another- Nawah O!

My sentiments exactly!

My sister stephanie i can see the picture of your feeling,am really sorry 4dat. Sometimes men are like dat,it's worldwide it's only dat sometimes good women fall into de hands of wrong men&good men into de hands of wrong women. Dont give up he is your man he will run back to u soonest. My people do say dat he who slept whit an old woman & push her away also one day,he will feel dat old woman. By my spiritual point of view,he will come back what goes up must surely come down. An sorry my darling.

All i am going to tell u is that u should take ur time, it hurts i know and it probably will for a long time to come but in the end u will be fine even though it doesn't quite feel like it now. So try not to make any rash or hasty decisions, just try to forget the hurt and pain one day at a time. I wish you well and hope your heart recovers soon

stephanie7:

well i did plan to go to nigeria. i had my ticket and everything but i cancelled it when we split when i first found out he cheated on me. i am going to move on. i have a lovely new friend and partner and will try my best to move on cause my new partner does not deserve to be hurt over that stupid igbo man. my new man is yoruba and he is so so so so lovely. he came back to me from nigeria yesterday and i truely have feelings for him and am thinking of taking my relationship with him to a new level

na wa o,dont be carried away.Beware of dec :-Xt,think am well well oooooooooo

steph, i understand how you feel. you've been moving from one kind of emotion to another; shock, anger, betrayal, still-in-love, anger etc, it is normal to feel this way.
it is also very tempting to want to forget your husband fast by replacing him with someone else. but i must caution here that this isn't the best time to make that decision. experience has shown that love on the rebound will most likely not work out in the long run.(of course there exceptions)

please do not make hasty decisions, give yourself time. like flower has suggested you need to search yourself and be sure. it definetely take time.
do not be carried away by your new friend's return, remember only two weeks ago when he was away you were thinking you still loved your husband.
so my dear you've got to be sure of what you are doing so you dont end up making another grave mistake.
please take your time.
i pray you get it right.

thanks but the one thing you have to know is that me and my husband have been split for over a year now if not close to 1 year and a half and i want to move on. i do love my husband but he is not the man i first met and will never be that man again.

I totally understand how you're feeling, but please be careful that you don't end up jumping from the frying pan and into the fire.

i understand. thank you for your concern but i will be very careful. dont want to get hurt like that again ever in my life

that hurt,but girl just hold ya heart that's life

Hey there, well its a few months now since an update so thought you deserve one. Still in London and still dating my Yoruba friend and still very happy with him. My mother called me from Ireland and told me she saw my husband with a girl and a baby so i had to tell her all and she was shocked but very supportive and told me to forget him and move on with my life and that is what i am doing. My husband is due in London in 2 weeks and i am bringing him to a solicitor for a divorce as i can not stay married to him with we are no longer together and i cant move on if i am still married to him. Thanks again to all of you for your words of comfort. I am happy and living a very good life now with a very hard working man.

Steph Bleep

hi Steph,

feeling your pain, and i do hope you have a good life with your new Yoruba man.

oh steph, i feel so sorry that it had to end this way with your husband.
i am glad though that you are getting on with your life and that you are quite happy.
so keep your head up. its still going to get better.

Steph, thanks for the update. But what shock for your poor mum! She prolly spent hours wondering how to tell you such a thing. I'm glad you're in new territory (London & your man)! Take things slow & give yourself time my dear. Love yourself! You deserve it. Best Wishes!