GAMOPHOBIA: THE FEAR OF MARRIAGE
Due to the kind of things people hear about marriages these days, many are becoming more apprehensive in committing to anyone in marriage. No matter how you encourage them if the cause of their fear is not dealt with, some may never want to get married or may enter into marriage with a wrong mindset that would affect the survival of that marriage.

In 2015, a friend of mine told me that he wants a baby mama that would give him a child or more without getting married to her legally. This sounded so absurd to me and I did everything to discourage him from his plans. Currently, he is cohabiting with a lady and they both have 3 kids together without him paying her bride price, even though money is not his problem.

Some of the reasons people give for cancelling the idea of marriage in the plans are:
(1) Marriage is limitation: people that shares these sentiments always ask themselves these questions
(a) What if I have to give up my goals, career and passion in the marriage?
(b) What if he/she stops me from going to places I want to go, when I want to go?
(c) What if I have to make compromises that I am not comfortable with?
(d) What if I want to sleep with a different person to satisfy my sexual desires?
(2) Choosing a wrong partner: what if I marry the wrong partner like my dad or Mom did? They ask.
(3) Lack of freedom: to some, it is a matter of sharing their space, time and resources with another person. Being free to do what they like as against what the other person likes.
(4) Negative or Traumatic Experiences: what if this person hurts and betrays them like their ex? What if those negative things that they have read or heard about others happens to them?
(5) Fear of the unknown: what if he/she stops loving me? What if I get tired of my spouse tomorrow? What if I outgrow my partner? What if I no longer love them again?
(6) Decision making: what if he/she wants a different thing from me? Etc.

The questions are many; you can add your own. But I will attempt to give solutions or provide answers to some of these queries by establishing some facts.

(1) Marriage itself is never the problem but marrying the wrong person. If you want your marriage to work make sure you marry the right person and to marry the right person focus on those qualities that matters the most when choosing a partner.
(2) It is possible to be happily married: if you marry the right person and you are ready to make your marriage work then you will enjoy it. Look at it as having a friend who is always there to help and support you both mentally and physically. Sometimes this friend may be good at certain things you are not good at, and this beautiful mix produces a happy home filled with love, peace, loyalty and true friendship.
(3) There’s never a perfect marriage: a good marriage sometimes faces challenges, just like there is bound to be challenges in every social settings. How you both handle the issue is very important, because it provides an opportunity to demonstrate commitment, loyalty, trust and love. It is foolish to compare your marriage to that of others knowing that who you are married to is different from the person you are comparing with.

(4) Prioritize knowledge: we were not taught in school on how to be a good husband or a good wife, but we can learn the basic principles that makes marriages works through books, seminars, conferences and watching online videos by reputable relationship/marriage coaches. This information will prepare you for what to expect and how to manage different situations in marriage. It is wrong to get into marriage without knowing and understanding the needs and expectations of your partner.

(5) Heal from the trauma: those negative experiences you had could be holding you back from getting married. That your saw your mom or dad suffer abuse in marriage does not mean that you too will be abused. Find out the mistakes they made and resolve not to make the same mistakes. Heal from negative trauma by identifying what these traumas are, when it happened, how it made you feel, what you became after it happened, how it is affecting you now, what currently triggers this feeling and decide on how to react whenever a similar situation occurs. You can visit a professional therapist if you can’t handle it on your own and follow through with whatever exercise the give you. Remember that you are not your past experiences.it is possible to find true love even after being betrayed and hurt in the past.

(6) Seek for God’s directio[/i]n. It is only God that understands the heart of men. Despite being in love with this person you have found or the one who has found you, ensure you pray about it and hear from God before saying I do. The Bible says that ‘there is a way that seems right unto a man but the end thereof leads to destruction. Pray and patiently wait till you hear from God making further decision.

(7) [i]Tune down on negative influences. When you continuously feed yourself with negative news about marriages this would instill fear and hatred in you about marriage. What we read, hear and watch will always affect us and shape the way we see things. Reduce feeding yourself with bad news on marriages and you will see a change.

( Marriage is about selflessness. If you cannot consider others in making decisions then you are not yet ready to marry or else you will frustrate your partner in marriage. As you have goals and passions to pursue so also do you partner? You will have to learn to make sacrifices and see how you both can meet each other at the middle. Sometimes it maybe your turn to sacrifice something and another time it could be your partner making the compromise. The problem is that people select a partner solely based on looks and finances neglecting qualities like kindness and emotional intelligence. A partner who is kind will always consider your point of view when making decisions and would not want to impose his/her decision on you.

In conclusion, to overcome gamophobia you have to understand the cause of your fear and seek for knowledge, clarity and help in dealing with it. You too can be happily married.