LAGOS, NIGERIA — Nigerians have vehemently dismissed U.S. claims that President Bola Ahmed Tinubu is a CIA asset, with a cheeky response: “Keep your hands off our glitchy unicorn—we’re still debugging.”

The controversy began when investigative journalist David Hundeyin alleged Tinubu’s links to the CIA, a theory later echoed by SaharaReporters. However, Nigerians were quick to clarify: “Tinubu isn’t an American asset; he’s a locally manufactured prototype—patented, proudly Nigerian, and still in its beta phase.”

Tinubu’s defenders proudly describe him as a cutting-edge, glitch-prone Artificial Intelligence (AI) model aimed at disrupting Nigeria’s dining tables. Named “The Balablu Asset”, this experimental tech comes with a groundbreaking weight-loss algorithm that combines aggressive austerity protocols with “disruptive hunger-as-a-service modules.” Millions of Nigerians have already been enrolled as Beta testers.

Critics argue the AI remains deeply flawed, with common side effects including dizziness, chronic hunger, and spontaneous fainting. However, supporters insist these are mere teething problems.

“This is innovation,” declared Kolawale Emilokan, the lead developer of the Tinubu prototype, during a fiery Twitter Space debate. “Yes, it’s true some users have experienced ‘malnutrition crashes,’ but that’s part of the iterative process. Every revolutionary tech has its bugs. Even Microsoft had the Blue Screen of Death. We’re perfecting Tinubu as we speak. It’s all part of the process!”

Emilokan further noted that Tinubu’s Nigerian Hunger Reset Algorithm™ has sparked interest from global investors. “Countries battling obesity are watching closely,” he said. “The U.S. is dying to license the tech, but let’s not rush genius. For now, Tinubu remains a proudly Nigerian app.”

While some foreign analysts have praised the Tinubu prototype for its audacity, Nigerians are adamant that the technology isn’t ready for export. “We cannot allow half-baked software to enter the global market,” developer Emilokan explained. “Even the glitches have cultural significance!”

Yet, Tinubu’s stock value has skyrocketed on global markets, overtaking Kim Jong-un, North Korea’s highly rated “Supreme Asset.” The Pyongyang Stock Exchange was reportedly sent into chaos this week, as North Korean officials were left scrambling to understand how a “third-world, bug-ridden AI” could outperform their "legacy asset."

Sources say Kim Jong-un, described as a “proven brand”, is deeply upset by Tinubu’s rise. However, leaked documents suggest that Pyongyang officials have quietly diversified their investment portfolios to include Tinubu's Balablu Futures™, citing its high volatility and potential for chaos.

Meanwhile, Nigerians remain conflicted. While the Tinubu app has attracted international acclaim, domestic users continue to endure its harshest features.

“Sure, he’s trending globally, but at what cost?” asked one Nigerian farmer, now an unwilling beta tester of Tinubu. “The last system update wiped out my food supply, and I’ve shed 20kg this month alone. I'm sick and tired of this Tinubu weight-loss app with no uninstall option.”

At publishing time, the Tinubu prototype had received another software update, introducing a controversial new feature called “Dynamic Poverty Mode,” which automatically adjusts hardship levels based on user resilience. Developers assured Nigerians that this was an intentional feature, not a bug, designed to push users to their “maximum productivity potential.” Meanwhile, rumors swirled that Apple was considering acquiring the Tinubu technology, rebranding it as “iSuffer Pro Max”, and marketing it as a premium fasting solution for obese Silicon Valley elites.

Wicked Sarcasm

"This is innovation" A true innovation in self destruction

If the CIA has something on you, you will work for them for the rest of your life. That is how they operate.

Enough all these drug issues
It's not affecting tinubu but rather painting us worse than we ve already been painted. All these things are making it difficult for people to japa. Finding ways to always project this country in bad light internationally will be more detrimental to a common man. Politicians won't even suffer it at all

k

U.s no need dirty corrupt animal. How far inec staff wey go be observers for u.s election?

Zionmdde:
Enough all these drug issues
It's not affecting tinubu but rather painting us worse than we ve already been painted. All these things are making it difficult for people to japa. Finding ways to always project this country in bad light internationally will be more detrimental to a common man. Politicians won't even suffer it at all

what a chick canot eat it scatters.
If you guys don't want to elect good leaders then this country will continue sinking.

Ebin pawa
Hunger asset

In Thiefinubu's case it was probably part of his type of plea bargain to escape imprisonment for the drug trafficking charge. They used him first to harrass and protest against the Abacha regime who was not friendly to the west and chasing away IMF and World Bank. That is why he was chase into exile during Abacha regime and only returning after Abacha was poisoned by CIA conspirators within his inner circle and Nigeria as a whole.
Obasanjo who profited from Abacha poisoning assassination, is also a CIA asset and was probably the real coupist that assassinated Murital Mohammed, who was also unfriendly to USA and the West in general.

booblacain:
If the CIA has something on you, you will work for them for the rest of your life. That is how they operate.

Even God has given up on Nigeria!

Has the national grid collapse again?

To those who voted APC and still planning to vote tinubu come 2027, May it never be well with you!

Meanwhile, rumors swirled that Apple was considering acquiring the Tinubu technology, rebranding it as “iSuffer Pro Max”, and marketing it as a premium fasting solution for Silicon Valley elites.

iSuffer Pro Max 🤣🤣

Brutal

This Peter Obi supporter zukwanike.

Okoroawusa:
This Peter Obi supporter zukwanike.

Was Peter Obi mentioned anywhere in the satire? Why can't you people focus on the mess you created in Nigeria and leave Obi's name alone?

A beautiful satirical exposition of the disaster Tinubu is!

Okoroawusa:
This Peter Obi supporter zukwanike.

you follow smuggled that druggie to asorock,just imagine a president of a country an assets just because of drug

ogolemati:
you follow smuggled that druggie to asorock,just imagine a president of a country an assets just because of drug

You dey mind them? Everyone dey supported destroyed Nigeria. See Buhari, see Tinubu (the worst president ever)

NLCreator:
LAGOS, NIGERIA — Nigerians have vehemently dismissed U.S. claims that President Bola Ahmed Tinubu is a CIA asset, with a cheeky response: “Keep your hands off our glitchy unicorn—we’re still debugging.”

At publishing time, the Tinubu prototype had received another software update, introducing a controversial new feature called “Dynamic Poverty Mode,” which automatically adjusts hardship levels based on user resilience. Developers assured Nigerians that this was an intentional feature, not a bug, designed to push users to their “maximum productivity potential.” Meanwhile, rumors swirled that Apple was considering acquiring the Tinubu technology, rebranding it as “iSuffer Pro Max”, and marketing it as a premium fasting solution for Silicon Valley elites.

This will completely fly over the heads of Obidients and they will once more expose their foolishness and rank imbecility.

That's the fun part of this post.

Yoruba people and lies, who did this to this tribe? Why are their people so addicted to deceit and propaganda