[b]Balaam’s Bottom/Donkey

By Pius Adesanmi

Columnist:  Pius Adesanmi

And it came to pass that after the people of Sodom hath shaken off the yoke of the taskmasters who ruleth over them in the name of the great white Queen in the land of the permanent rain, a long line of pestilential kings took dominion over them and visiteth upon them worse plagues than God hath visited on the people of Egypt during the reign of the Pharaohs.

And for fifty-one years, the kings of Sodom and their children’s children sat on the back of the people of Sodom. And the new king Jona, who was of the tribe of the fishers of fish, seeing that the back of the people of Sodom was sweeter than honey, summoned all the other kings who hath ruled before him and saith unto them: “lo it has been given unto me to sit on the back of the people of Sodom and rule over them. But seeing that thou all hast been here before me, pray, what must I do to inherit more years on the back of the people?”

And all the former kings were greatly pleased that the new king hath sought their wisdom and given them room to retire on the back of the people of Sodom even as they approach the evening of their own years. And Badamasi the Minnarite opened his mouth and saith: “Oh king Jona of the tribe of the fishers of fish, great indeed is thy wisdom for it has been given unto thee to reward the years we spent before thee on the back of this people. It is meet therefore that we call a great feast of kings such as the world hath never seen. And from the land of Aethiopia through the one hundred and twenty-seven provinces of the kingdom of King Ahasuerus even unto India, all the people of the world shall speak of the great feast of the kings of the land of Sodom. And when we hath finished the feast, the time shall be appointed to grant unto thee more years on the throne of Sodom and to make thee a fisher of shekels.
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[b]And all the old kings present were greatly pleased with the words of Badamasi the Minnarite who spake for all of them. There was Aremus of the tribe of the merrymakers to the West unto whom it was given to rule the land of Sodom two times; there was Yak the warrior who was sorrowful that the land of Sodom hath a great problem of too little knowledge about how to use too much shekel; there was Shehulem the cattle rearer who saith yes unto every word uttered by his fellow kings; there was Shonekum, also of the tribe of the merrymakers, who sat only on one buttock on his seat near Shehulem the cattle rearer; and there was Buharus, also of the tribe of the cattle rearers, who hath begun to dislike the ways of the old kings but still fellowshipped with them. And the old kings rejoiced and saith with one voice unto King Jona: “give us a great feast on the back of the people of Sodom.”

And King Jona’s heart was gladdened by the disposition of the old kings even as there was great rejoicing among his palace servants. And king Jona summoned his servants who came into his presence doing obeisance. There was Orontolum the earth warrior who was also of the tribe of the fishers of fish; there was Reuben the scribe unto whom it was once given to grieve for the people of Sodom who are heavy laden; there was Renokrim, the lad who hath been brought into the palace by Orontolum to show the people the Emperor’s new clothes; and there was Ken the Ogonite who grew in the shadow of a saint.

And King Jona saith unto his faithful servants: “lo, I have summoned a great feast of all the old kings who sat on the back of the people of Sodom before me. Go ye now and bring forth musicians who play the horn, flute, zither, lyre, harp and all kinds of music. Bring forth the best robes and put it on my guests; and put rings on their hands and shoes on their feet; and bring hither the fatted calf and kill it; bring forth the best wine from the bridegroom’s storage in the land of Cana; and let us eat and drink and be merry. For it is appointed that after the great feast, the old kings shall grant unto me more years on the back of the people of Sodom and I shall add more food unto the portion of all my servants.”

And great indeed was the feast of the new king and the old kings on the back of the people of Sodom. And while he tasted the wine, King Jona commanded Orontolum, Reuben, Renokrim, and Ken to bring the golden and silver vessels so that he and his guests and their wives and their concubines might drink therefrom. And they drank wine and praised the gods of gold, and of silver, of brass, of iron, of wood, and of stone.[/b]

[b]And it came to pass that even as King Jona and his servants and the old kings feasted and made merry, nights passed and mornings came but life got worse for the people of Sodom. And when a great famine and pestilence came upon the land, the people became agitated and cried up to the Lord: “give us another king.” But the Lord did not answer them. Whereupon the people sought counsel and saith: “for fifty-one years we asked of our kings bread but they gave us stones; for fifty-one years we asked of our kings fish but they gave us serpents. And now king Jona and his servants and all the old kings feast on our back even as great affliction is come upon us. It is meet therefore that we send for Balaam”.

And it came to pass that the people of Sodom sent messengers unto Balaam the son of Beor to Pethor, which is by the river of the land of the children of his people, to call him, saying, “Behold, for fifty-one years our kings have given us plagues worse than the afflictions of the land of Egypt. And today, King Jona and all the old kings make merry on our back. Come now therefore, we pray thee, and curse king Jona and all the old kings; for they are too mighty for us. Peradventure we shall prevail, that we may smite king Jona and his servants and the old kings, and that we may drive them out of the land; for it is written that he whom thou blessest is blessed, and he whom thou cursest is cursed.”

And Balaam went unto the Lord and saith: “the people of Sodom hath sent unto me, saying, Behold, our kings lay a heavy yoke upon us and they feast even as pestilence is come upon the land. Come now, curse me them; peradventure we shall be able to overcome them, and drive them out”. And God said unto Balaam, “thou shalt not go to Sodom; thou shalt not curse King Jona and the old Kings.” But Balaam rose in the morning, saddled his ass, and went in the direction of the land of Sodom.[/b]

[b]And God's anger was kindled because he went. And the angel of the Lord stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants were with him. And the ass saw the angel of the Lord standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand. And the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field. And Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way. But the angel of the Lord stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall being on this side, and a wall on that side. And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall. And he smote her again. And the angel of the Lord went further, and stood in a narrow place, where was no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left. And when the ass saw the angel of the Lord, she sat down under Balaam and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff. And the Lord opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, “what have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?”

And Balaam said unto the ass, “because thou hast mocked me. I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee”. And the ass said unto Balaam, “am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? Was I ever wont to do so unto thee?” And he said, “nay”. Then the Lord opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the Lord standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face.
And Balaam returned home and sent forth word to the people of Sodom, saying, “I shall not come to Sodom neither shall I curse king Jona and thine old kings”. And the people of Sodom were sorrowful and they lifted up their voices unto the Lord, saying, “save us from the bondage of king Jona and the old kings for our pain is great”. Whereupon an angel of the Lord appeared unto the people of Sodom and saith: “true the Lord has seen your affliction; true the Lord has seen the iniquities of king Jona and his servants, but he has not granted leave unto Balaam to come and curse king Jona and your other kings for you.” And the people wailed and saith unto the angel: “why would the lord keep us under the yoke of king Jona and the old kings? Why would the Lord not save us from the oppressor? Our torment is great.”

And the angel saith unto them: “lo, for fifty-one years the Lord hath given unto thee legs, hands, and voices to rise up against thine oppressors and say nay unto their ways; even Balaam’s ass, which is but an animal, knew not to ask the Lord or foreigners to free it from the yoke of the oppressor. Behold, Balaam’s ass knew the appointed moment to sit, move no more, and say no when the oppressor would ride it to certain death at the blade of my sword. Thus saith the Lord God of Israel to you people of Sodom: because Balaam’s ass, an animal, has been wiser than thee who art people, it shall be appointed unto no foreigner to curse king Jona and the old kings for thee. Only with thine own hands must thou tear their flesh and feed them to the birds of the air; only with thine own legs must thou rise and kick against them; only with thine own voices must thou say nay like Balaam’s ass. Thou must shake off the yoke of thine oppressors and curse them and their servants and their children’s children. For I am the Lord your God and I will not do for thee that which an ass did for itself. My rod and my staff shall not comfort them who willingly spread their backs for iniquitous kings. So let it be written, so let it be done.”

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