A duck walks into a general store  and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,
"Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any fresh fruit?"




THE TRANSPLANT

a man had a car accident and was admitted to the hospital. his lower lip had been cut off in the accident and the doctors had to replace it. the only option was to cut part of the skin of the joystick and replace the lost lip.

Nine months later, the man was well and was discharged. that night was a sweet one for him and his wife after nine months without touching.

the romance began,

continued,


kisses,

the woman was surprised when she felt the lower lip of her husband rising like gari.

Wife: Uche, your lip di high, Jesus

Husband: what? i thought,

Wife: Please call the doctor.

Soon the doctor was on the line, the same doctor who had replaced Uche's lip. at this time, the lower lip of the husband was like Onitsha gari that has been in water for an hour.

Doctor: i forgot to tell you that this is normal because of the transplant from joystick to lip. Your lip is just witnessing the same effect the joystick feels when it wants to Be Intimate,


The wife fainted,

While the husband still had an erect joystick and a heavy and ready lip,



Don’t eat chicken sandwiches, no matter what…,

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn’t a chicken sandwich.

He said, “Hey, how come you’re not eating chicken, don’t you like it anymore?”

She said “I love it but I have to stop eating it.”

“Why?” he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said “Cause I’m starting to grow little feathers down there!”

“Let me see” he said.

“Okay” and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, “That’s right. You are! ?Better not eat any more chicken.”

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, “I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I’m starting to get feathers down there too!”

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her!

She said, “Oh, my God, it’s too late for you! You’ve already got the NECK and GIZZARDS!!!



THE BABY

Obasanjo's woman gets on a bus in Ibadan with her baby now X-president (but at the time of this incident, he was still a baby).
The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, angry like hell. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your baby rhino for you."


CANNIBAL RESTAURANT

A cannibal was walking through the streets of Ife and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…

+ Broiled Ibo man: 5000 naira
+ Fried Yoruba woman: 1100 naira
+ Grilled Cameroonian: 15000 naira
+ Baked Politician: 25000

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
‘Why such a price difference for the Politicians?’

The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?
They’re so full of poo, it takes all morning to clean one and five hours of heavy fire to get one ready for the table.”


THE ELEPHENT'S VICTIM

A man goes to a doctor in Imo state doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my Bottom." The doctors says:
"drop your pants, bend over and let's have a look".
"bleep me!!" says the doctor. "What could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies "I've been bleeped by an elephant."
The doctor says "An elephant's joystick is long and thin. This hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He manipulated me first."


BehindBased

A Calabar woman says to her mother: “I’m divorcing Chief Nwuze! All he wants is backdoor and my Naugthy-person is now the size of a 50 cent piece when it used to be the size of a kobo.”

Mother says: “You’re married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get 1000 naira a week allowance, you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away because your Naugthy-person is having some fun?” if i were in your place, i will make him hit harder and longer at the bachdoor so that my allowance and cars will double. God refused me this opportunity.



HE IS DEAD

A couple of Ibo hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”





NASA

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.



I STEPPED OUT OF THE CIRCLE

A blonde is driving down the road of Imo and then she slams on her brakes because she was not watching and smacks into the back of some guy in a truck so the guy gets out and starts yelling at her and he gets so angry that he draws a circle in the sand on the side of the road and tells her he will hurt her if she gets out of the circle so he gets out a sledge hammer and starts smashing up her car and then he hears her laughing so he turns around and tells her to shut up then he continues smashing it and he hears her laughing again finally after the third times she laughs he turns around and says “what are you laughing about I am smashing your car and your laughing” and she says “well when you weren’t looking I stepped out of the cirlcle three times!”



HE HAD AIDS

let me tell u all joke no offence to any religion. its just made up.

once a women goes to a church to confess to a father.

women: father, father i just called a men yesterday a son of a NaughtyWoman.

father: there is no need to confess for that.

women : but father he touched my hands.

father : like this ? (father touches her hand) there is no need to confess for that

women: but father he stripped my clothes.

father : like this ? (father stripps her clothes) there is no need to confess for that.

women: but father he put his u know what in my u know where.

father : like this ? (father makes out with her) there is no need to confess for that.

women : but father he had aids.




I DROVE HEARSE

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver -
I’ve been driving HEARSE for the last 25 years!”



DOWN HIS PANTS

A man jsut got a new face plant and it made him look younger so he decides to try out his new look when buying a newspaper at a newsstand. He says to the clerk, “Try to guess how old I am” The man says “20?” “No I’m 40″ says the guy with the face plant. The man decides to try it out again hwile at UCHE INVESTMENTS. He asked the lady and she replied with “50″ No I’m actuallu 40″ he says. So he’s waiting for the bus and an old lady comes by so he asks her how old she thinks he is and she says “Well, I have this thing that I can tell how old a man is by sticking my hands down their pants for 10 minutes. We learnt it in military school.” The guy, truting her says ok since no one was around” The ladies hands were down his pants for 10 minute sthen finally she says “You’re 40.” “How did you do that? How did you know?” asks the man. “I was standing behind you at UCHE INVESTMENTS”



STUNG ON THE joystick

Two  friends are lost in the rain forest trying to find away out when one of them is attacked by a cobra that attacks the manhood of the victim. The other despaired, calls the doctor using his sat phone.

-doctor! my friend has just benn stung by a snake, what should I do, he is dying!
- take it easy says the doctor, you just have to suck out the area that has been stung.

so the guys closes the flip of his cel phone when the other victimized asks: what did he say?
-he said that you are dead




PISSING IN THE FRIDGE

An old couple go to the doctor.The old man goes first to have his physical.When the doctor is done with him,he sends the man to the waiting room and calls the woman in.

Doctor:I'd like to talk to you about your husband.

Woman:It's his heart,isnt it!I told him to lay off the eggs!

Doctor: Well,I asked your husband how he was feeling,and he said he was feeling great!he said that when he went to the bathroom and opened the door,that god turned the light on for him,and when he was done,he shut the door and god turned the light off for him.

Woman:Darn! he's been peeing in the fridge again!

oh!and i agree with Ekinze!



WHO RUNS FASTER

two friends -one american and the other a Naijan set out to visit Gir forest in India, notoriuoly known for huge lions…deep in the forest, they hear a roar.Hearing this the japanese took off his kit bag from his shoulder…At this gesture, the american asked” friend what are you doing ? The japanese replied i am getting ready to puton my running shoes?
“What ? can you run faster than the lion”asked the american….The Naijan smiled and said-” no, my friend,only gearing myself to run faster than you…,



THE TRUCK

Two farmers. an Ibo and a Yoruba man were sitting next to each other. the Ibo says to the other, “I have such a big farm I could climb in my truck, and it would take me two days to get across the whole farm!” The Yoruba farmer turns back to him and replies, “I also used to have a truck like that!”



RELATIVES

A  couple in Abuja got into a big fight and decided to take a drive to cool off a bit. They drove several miles, not saying a word. As they passed by a zoo, the husband couldn’t resist and sarcastically asked, “Are those animals any relatives of yours?”"Yes,” his wife replied. “I married into the family!”



THE CHECK

A mechanic called one of  his customers after a check bounced. “The check you sent me to pay your bill came back!” He yelled! The customer replied,”well, so did  all my car problems that you fixed!”



Texas Chili Cook-off

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there’s no hope for you. This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas last year.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.
For those of you who have lived in Texas , you know how true this is.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL .

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges(Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that
spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 – MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 – AUSTIN ‘S AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 – FRED ‘S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting poo-faced from all of
the beer.

CHILI # 4 – BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT … just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 – LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI # 6 – VERA ‘S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 – SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided
to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 – BIG TOM ‘S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to
really hot chili?

Judge # 3 – No Rep



THE TRANSPLANT

a man had a car accident and was admitted to the hospital. his lower lip had been cut off in the accident and the doctors had to replace it. the only option was to cut part of the skin of the joystick and replace the lost lip.

Nine months later, the man was well and was discharged. that night was a sweet one for him and his wife after nine months without touching.

the romance began,

continued,


kisses,

the woman was surprised when she felt the lower lip of her husband rising like gari.

Wife: Uche, your lip di high, Jesus

Husband: what? i thought,

Wife: Please call the doctor.

Soon the doctor was on the line, the same doctor who replaced his lip. at this time, the lower lip of the husband was like Onitsha gari that has been in water for an hour.

Doctor: i forgot to tell you that this is normal because of the transplant from joystick to lip. Your lip is just witnessing the same effect the joystick feels when it wants to Be Intimate,


The wife fainted,

While the husband still had an erect joystick and a heavy and ready lip,

OH MY GOD !

THIS IS STALE

WHATS WRONG WITH YOU ?

YOU TRY JOR

^^ you de encourage rubbish

^^
lwtmb

Poster, I don't mean to discourage you, but this is [size=18pt]STALE[/size]. Then again, funny replies. So, nice thread!