^Okay, she will fight with her husband if that is what you want.

I can understand where queen is coming from. It is okay for us to tell her to use her feminine powers on him, it's okay to tell her to rekindle the light by seducing him and taking him out etc, it's okay to tell her to fight for what is right, but have we considered the possibility that this man might not be interested in this marriage anymore?

I am not a feminist before you anti feminist come chop me raw but is it wrong to say that all these fight and get him back line needs to stop? When someone isn't interested you cannot force love. Now I am not saying thats what is happening in this posters marriage but we need to stop fantasizing and face the hard reality. This man can loosen up if he wants to, he chats with friends without problems but finds it difficult doing same to his wife, hence my initial question at the beginning.

How long for can a woman single handedly fight for her marriage?It takes two to make a marriage work one person cannot do it alone. How long for can we keep seducing them and buying all those sexy lingeries? It is not all about women's right, this is not a game of chess, it is about someone who is hurting emotionally here marriage wise. Where did women's right come from?

jennykadry: I can understand where queen is coming from. It is okay for us to tell her to use her feminine powers on him, it's okay to tell her to rekindle the light by seducing him and taking him out etc, it's okay to tell her to fight for what is right, but have we considered the possibility that this man might not be interested in this marriage anymore?

I am not a feminist before you anti feminist come chop me raw but is it wrong to say that all these fight and get him back line needs to stop? When someone isn't interested you cannot force love. Now I am not saying thats what is happening in this posters marriage but we need to stops fantasizing and face the hard reality. This man can loosen up if he wants to, he chats with friends without problems but finds it difficult doing same to his wife, hence my initial question at the beginning.

How long for can a woman single handedly fight for her marriage?It takes two to make a marriage work one person ca not do it alone. How long for can we keep seducing them and buying all those sexy lingeries? It is not all about women's right, this is not a game of chess, it is about someone who is hurting emotionally here marriage wise. Where did women's right come from?

I get where you are coming from but let us say she divorces this husband, what is the guarantee that her next husband won't be worse? The thing about marriage in the modern day is that most people choose their spouses by themselves. Once you marry, the society expects certain things from you based on 'your choice', that is the way things are.

I am sure most of us would be castigating the man if she complained that he fails to provide for her and their child. Some people (although I disagree) may ask: must the man be the provider?

That is the way things are. Even OP is looking for advice on how to win her husband back not how to confront him. It is only natural, very natural.

I haven't told her to divorce him have I? All I am trying to tell her here is to prepare to live the rest of her life with him like this, because if that man isn't in love with his wife anymore or interested in the marriage, then there Is nothing she can do if not live the rest of her life with a "non responsive" man.

Let her go ahead and fight, but know this, it takes two to make it work. If it took only one person the op wouldn't be here. All I am saying is, let's forget about seduction and face the bitter truth, some people if and when not interested cannot be shaken

maclatunji: anny101, you seem to have married a recluse. I am reclusive with outsiders like crazy too but not with my family. Although, I am now forced to relate with people.

I think your husband will be difficult to crack. However, let me advise you thus:

We men are programmed to appreciate two things; great food and sex (even for guys who are not crazy about it).

So, do you know the kinds of food he really likes? If you don't find-out. Then, prepare them in excess, let him eat and eat. By the time he is full-to-the brim you will have in the palm of your hands. Enjoy him after that.

I know some of us men are not crazy about sex but that does not mean we don't like it- only that the conditions have to be right.

You are a woman, provide allure to your husband. This is not necessarily about wearing skimpy clothes, it is about engaging his mind. So meet him at the moments when his attention is engaged on something and subtly embed yourself in his thoughts; football, news, politics, gaming whatever. Let it be that whenever he thinks about his favourite football club or whatever, he also thinks about what you his wife says about them. Over time, he will value your inputs and companionship and there is a small limit to a man valuing his wife on anything without him wanting to make love to her. You should learn to maximise these situations.

Always sit by his right side not his left, humans have been found to be more willing to do things whispered into their right ear.

You have a lot of work to do to grab your husband's attention, but whatever you try don't be desperate.

N.B: If all of this fails, just go and sit on his laps (preferably when your daugther is not around). He is your husband, you have a right to do that. #Laughing.

Speak for yourself okobo!

maclatunji:

I get where you are coming from but let us say she divorces this husband, what is the guarantee that her next husband won't be worse? The thing about marriage in the modern day is that most people choose their spouses by themselves. Once you marry, the society expects certain things from you based on 'your choice', that is the way things are.

That is the way things are. Even OP is looking for advice on how to win her husband back not how to confront him. It is only natural, very natural.

This is the reasoning the women in unhappy marriages have. Low confidence and no self esteem, second guessing whether or not they deserve to be loved in the marriage.

It does not make any sense for a woman to stay in a loveless marriage, one can be loveless alone. Whether or not one can move on in search of a better relationship and suceed is beyond the point.

I haven't said the OP should divorce her husband, I'm saying he grew tired of her, she can demand he make an effort to restore the relationship but then again that will be forcing the horse to the well

and of course her behavior is natural, especially in our parts of the world, this continuous service to the male counterparts without question, reason domestic violence is high and female education is at it's lowest. Why will you not say it's normal?

denzel2009:

Speak for yourself okobo!

Sorry #Sexmaniac

queensmith:

This is the reasoning the women in unhappy marriages have. Low confidence and no self esteem, second guessing whether or not they deserve to be loved in the marriage.

It does not make any sense for a woman to stay in a loveless marriage, one can be loveless alone. Whether or not one can move on in search of a better relationship and suceed is beyond the point.

I haven't said the OP should divorce her husband, I'm saying he grew tired of her, she can demand he make an effort to restore the relationship but then again that will be forcing the horse to the well

and of course her behavior is natural, especially in our parts of the world, this continuous service to the male counterparts without question, reason domestic violence is high and female education is at it's lowest. Why will you not say it's normal?

By now almost everybody knows what your mindset about men and marriage is. However, let me tell you that humility and patience shown by a woman to her husband is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign of maturity and strength. Just like there cannot be two drivers in a car (I know blah, blah, blah).

'Miss Independent', I hope you find a man that will sweep you of your feet so that you can allow us to rest on Nairaland. He should keep you from eternally telling us about how strong you are.

what is my mindset about men and marriage? That men are not gods to be worshipped constantly?

Please what is humility and patience? is the driver of the car not meant to have more? Sounds like you want to eat your cake and have it at the same time.

If you are the master of the marriage should you not be more concerned about it working than the woman? Does that not mean the man should be putting MORE effort into caring for his wife? He is the head afterall??

queensmith: what is my mindset about men and marriage? That men are not gods to be worshipped constantly?

Please what is humility and patience? is the driver of the car not meant to have more? Sounds like you want to eat your cake and have it at the same time.

If you are the master of the marriage should you not be more concerned about it working than the woman? Does that not mean the man should be putting MORE effort into caring for his wife? He is the head afterall??

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, you got me there. #Sweet

Poster i really do not know what you want your hubby to be doing oooo. But like so many people have said,marraige is not how we really fantasize it to be, once you go into it, then you are faced with the reality. When you were courting, you should have studied the type of man you would be getting married, i dated someone close to your hubby's nature too who was not as worst as your hubby, and kpaa kpaa kpaa!!!! i figured out a way to dump him ( i no fit shout) But since you have married this your husband, you will have to understand him ooo, he can't be all and about as you will want him to, he can't be loveying- doveying as you will want him to, he might change ooo but with time, don't get me wrong, you both have some adjusting to do.

1. Keep on doing what you have been doing but do not expect too much, limit your expectation and don't walk round the house looking unhappy and with a heavy face, be happy and enjoy every little time and don't stop the conversation either. Give him more time to adjust, i don't think he is having an affair or loves you less, i just think he is just being his real self, you are beginning to see him as he really is.

queensmith: what is my mindset about men and marriage? That men are not gods to be worshipped constantly?

Please what is humility and patience? is the driver of the car not meant to have more? Sounds like you want to eat your cake and have it at the same time.

If you are the master of the marriage should you not be more concerned about it working than the woman? Does that not mean the man should be putting MORE effort into caring for his wife? He is the head afterall??

As sweet as this is, it is in the realm of the ideal for the poster. Hence, she has to put-in some extra-work to a have a happy and successful marriage. That is the way life is, some have to work harder to know who their real parents are, some have to work harder to have children, some have to work harder to keep children, some have to work harder to get a job and of course some women have to work harder to keep their husband/marriage.

OP, I wish you the best. Everybody deserves to be happy.

Reading the replies here I see that the age old adage rings true in this case

Women want a man that they can change, Men want a woman that never changes.

the difference between all you have mentioned and the OPs situation is that she is dealing with a HUMAN BEING, not the clockwork of fertility, not a malfunctioning car, not a job!

She is dealing with someone who is unpredictable and self centered, they are not working towards a common goal! No amount of work on her part obliges him to care more or love her! She will be wasting her time!!

onkebp(f):

Poster i really do not know what you want your hubby to be doing oooo. But like so many people have said,marraige is not how we really fantasize it to be, once you go into it, then you are faced with the reality. When you were courting, you should have studied the type of man you would be getting married, i dated someone close to your hubby's nature too who was not as worst as your hubby, and kpaa kpaa kpaa!!!! i figured out a way to dump him ( i no fit shout) But since you have married this your husband, you will have to understand him ooo, he can't be all and about as you will want him to, he can't be loveying- doveying as you will want him to, he might change ooo but with time, don't get me wrong, you both have some adjusting to do.

1. Keep on doing what you have been doing but do not expect too much, limit your expectation and don't walk round the house looking unhappy and with a heavy face, be happy and enjoy every little time and don't stop the conversation either. Give him more time to adjust, i don't think he is having an affair or loves you less, i just think he is just being his real self, you are beginning to see him as he really is.

What are you doing here,have you finished solving your mathematics challenges?

You've given a good advise let the OP take note.

queensmith: the difference between all you have mentioned and the OPs situation is that she is dealing with a HUMAN BEING, not the clockwork of fertility, not a malfunctioning car, not a job!

She is dealing with someone who is unpredictable and self centered, they are not working towards a common goal! No amount of work on her part obliges him to care more or love her! She will be wasting her time!!

I disagree, if what you say is true, we wouldn't have psychologists or even psychiatrists or even rehabs. We would just allow people behave anyhow they want and damn the consequences.

in that case the solution will be for the OP to take her husband to see a psychologist and not do a striptease for him when he returns from work!

case is closed!

queensmith: in that case the solution will be for the OP to take her husband to see a psychologist and not do a striptease for him when he returns from work!

case is closed!

LOL, the striptease could make the process erm faster.

ooo you wish!

Mr Kolaoloye, i wish i have finished solving the maths ooo, i still have alot to do, am just waiting for the prof to hit me with another difficult question then i will come running back.

@queensmith Well if OP is cold and unresponsive and hubby demonstrating the same behaviour, where does that leave the marriage? Straight up shi.t creek thats where. Look in this situation OP needs to be the adult, if she moved out of the bedroom she needs to move back in, if their not having sex she needs make him interested in their bed again, for this marriage to survive. Everyday in a marriage is not paradise where you floating on air crazily in love with your spouse, if that ways the case their would be no divorce. I think Op and hubby are just starting to settle into marriage life with a baby and that's difficult ground to establish. @ the end of the day OP please beginning to communicate with your hubby like you did when you guys where dating, start from thier and move on to other relationship building activities.

agiboma: @queensmith Well if OP is cold and unresponsive and hubby demonstrating the same behaviour, where does that leave the marriage? Straight up shi.t creek thats where. Look in this situation OP needs to be the adult, if she moved out of the bedroom she needs to move back in, if their not having sex she needs make him interested in their bed again, for this marriage to survive. Everyday in a marriage is not paradise where you floating on air crazily in love with your spouse, if that ways the case their would be no divorce. I think Op and hubby are just starting to settle into marriage life with a baby and that's difficult ground to establish. @ the end of the day OP please beginning to communicate with your hubby like you did when you guys where dating, start from thier and move on to other relationship building activities.

are you intentionally ignoring this?

anny101: We dont sleep in the same room,he prefers to sleep outdoor while i prefer to sleep in the room where mosquitoes wont bite me. I have really tried to spice up this relationshp. I ve cried to him twice about the gap between us, but he hasnt acted otherwise. He prefers to be on his own, go out on his own and do things on his own. What else can i do?

I dont see the OP being in any fault, how is she to lure an uninterested man into the bedroom? How much is she meant to bend to please him? Especially if he has no interests in pleasing her? abeg abeg all this abandon your baby, turn into beyonce, pet your man this your man that your man DOES NOT WORK!! If it did, nigerian women will be more happy in their pathetic marriages and the men won't run around spreading infection.

papatosibe: WOmen are generally inferior to men intellectually, so naturally men arent programmed to talk to them as equals. I feel real bad for the OP, but as a quintessential man, I totally know what is going on since I dont ever see myself chatting with a woman about something hearty or interesting, besides food and s3x that is.


OP: the only solution here is to make new friends wherever you are. No matter how hard you try, trust me, your husband isnt coming around.

Fstranger, You go take laff wound person oooo

Ojogbontomoye

queensmith, I think we are all here advising the op to hang on there because there is no proof yet that the husband doesn't love her or that this marriage is doomed. Over half of my married friends could have said more or less the same thing about their personal life after the 1st child was born. It is a major change and their marriage is still young. None of us here know if the man is not willing to make things work. We just don't know that for sure. There is a possibility that he has given up on making efforts for his wife, it happens, and in that case I would strongly encourage the op to not stay in a loveless marriage, but to reach that conclusion it takes way more than "crying twice to your husband without seeing changes". There are adjustments in a marriage that take months or even years to achieve. When I read the op's post I mainly read that she is bored and tired that her husband is not responsive. This is a very common feeling, and I believe they can overcome it, together.

All the advices we are giving here are to help her initiate a change in their relationship. The objective being that her actions will open door for better communication with her husband that will allow them to make things better. There is also a possibility that the op is bored for reasons not directly related to her marriage. She could be going through postpartum depression or being bored at her life in general, and focusing her frustration on her marriage. We are just here giving advices on how she could go about it. That doesn't mean she has to slave for her husband and accept to be disrespected, ignored and taken for granted for the rest of her life. I still believe it is way too early to give up on this marriage, with time, she will know what to do, but before doing anything she should think about it seriously and not take actions that she might regret in the end.

Reminds me of a family i had to spend a weekend with. They never talked except about the children's well-being. This is 5 years down the line and they are still together same as before.

Ronke,
let me add also

she should just pretend that all is well. at least for now. you know wake up, make food for two of you, if he eat, fine if not all well.
sing and whistle while doing your work. buy plenty novels and magazine and rent plenty movies and enjoy yourself. take some course maybe CPR self.
that your old girlfriends you lost touch with, call them and chat on phone, pretend like you are enjoying it.
dress to kill/seduce.
make your hair and use that nice perfume you have been eyeing. look good for you perhaps he will notice.

girl, live for today. if you die cuz of stress, the sun will still shine, ogbemi will still carry on.

OP, did you even know this man before marriage? Were you even friends?

@armyofone of course! what else constitutes a perfect marriage? The OP should just pretend as if nothing is happening!In fact she should take your number so you can teach her how to truly be in a delusional state- how to imagine her husband loves her and talks to her once in a while, i'm sure your well equipped on that.

Now i know not to listen to most nigerians when they talk about marriage, no wonder theyre soo full of shit. You can't pretend forever, the day will always come when you will look back on your life, realise you wasted it on your husband and possibly ungrateful children (who grew up seein no need to respect mommy) and regret all the pretense.

You ladies better wake up and smell the morning coffee, life is not that bad, its not by force to be in a loveless marriage!

Queensmith when you are married please i want to be a follower of yours, i would like to know how you will handle matters in your marraige with this '' misbehave and am out'' attitude of yours. only because i want to learn too, you see people learn every day. and no insults intended oooo. incase you mis-interprete it.

Miss_Ife: queensmith, I think we are all here advising the op to hang on there because there is no proof yet that the husband doesn't love her or that this marriage is doomed. Over half of my married friends could have said more or less the same thing about their personal life after the 1st child was born. It is a major change and their marriage is still young. None of us here know if the man is not willing to make things work. We just don't know that for sure. There is a possibility that he has given up on making efforts for his wife, it happens, and in that case I would strongly encourage the op to not stay in a loveless marriage, but to reach that conclusion it takes way more than "crying twice to your husband without seeing changes". There are adjustments in a marriage that take months or even years to achieve. When I read the op's post I mainly read that she is bored and tired that her husband is not responsive. This is a very common feeling, and I believe they can overcome it, together.

All the advices we are giving here are to help her initiate a change in their relationship. The objective being that her actions will open door for better communication with her husband that will allow them to make things better. There is also a possibility that the op is bored for reasons not directly related to her marriage. She could be going through postpartum depression or being bored at her life in general, and focusing her frustration on her marriage. We are just here giving advices on how she could go about it. That doesn't mean she has to slave for her husband and accept to be disrespected, ignored and taken for granted for the rest of her life. I still believe it is way too early to give up on this marriage, with time, she will know what to do, but before doing anything she should think about it seriously and not take actions that she might regret in the end.

I'm not sure what the OP is meant to wait for? It is possible the husband is going through some midlife crisis- but if he really did care- he will show an attitude that proves it.
He doesnt care, it's as simple as, the proof is in his attitude, unless you want the OP to wait until he leaves and never returns then I don't know what you expect she hang on to?
I don't believe a child should seperate a couple, when that happens it means the husband (or atimes the wife) is alienated from the child, that is never good. This is why I encourage involvement from both parties, it's not just for the benefit of the wife, also for the child AND the husband. He will know exactly what she's going through and not be such an ingrate!
if he has made any effort the wife will see it, he certainly wont be ignoring her, lets not allow our imaginations runs wild, I know women like to see things that are not there but for the sake of ones sanity we should reason with the evidence at hand.
You can only communicate with somebody willing to communicate with you, you can only build a succesful marriage with the other party wanting the same, you can have a loving husband when you have a man that wants to love you, anything else and your fooling yourself.
Her only chance is to tell her husband what her problem is and give him a chance to solve it or she walks, and she will be better off for doing so!
If she is depressed then it's most likely aggravated the more by her husbands despicable behavior. Seriously I cannot grasp why our women like to worship these goats?

armyofone: Ronke,
let me add also

she should just pretend that all is well.

Power of wishful thinking? Black women and their stupidity . . . no bounds at all.

at least for now. you know wake up, make food for two of you, if he eat, fine if not all well.

Sweep it under the carpet, somehow it will disappear . . . Only in the mind of a Nigerian woman. You failed to add that the OP needs to start fasting? And deliverance? . . . Since your imaginary God can solve all problems.

sing and whistle while doing your work.

What kind of song are we taking about? Hip-Hop? Gospel? Apala? or Reggae?

buy plenty novels and magazine and rent plenty movies and enjoy yourself. take some course maybe CPR self.

I like this line most. I agree, the OP needs to learn to do CPR, in case SHE goes into cardiac arrest because the OPs hubby doesnt seem like he is gonna need CPR anytime soon. However, with the way the OP is going and if she is stupidddd enough to take any of the suggestions here to heart, I wont be surprised if she drops dead untimely.

that your old girlfriends you lost touch with, call them and chat on phone, pretend like you are enjoying it.

Misery likes company. Hopefully that old GF is having the same problem . . . Now she can spend her time more fruitfully.

dress to kill/seduce.

Good advice. Kill the man and boomshakalaka her problem is solved. One less person to bore her.

make your hair and use that nice perfume you have been eyeing. look good for you perhaps he will notice.

Very considerate, since the OP is putting the hubby and his allergies first.

queensmith: @armyofone of course! what else constitutes a perfect marriage? The OP should just pretend as if nothing is happening!In fact she should take your number so you can teach her how to truly be in a delusional state- how to imagine her husband loves her and talks to her once in a while, i'm sure your well equipped on that.

Now i know not to listen to most nigerians when they talk about marriage, no wonder theyre soo full of shit. You can't pretend forever, the day will always come when you will look back on your life, realise you wasted it on your husband and possibly ungrateful children (who grew up seein no need to respect mommy) and regret all the pretense.

You ladies better wake up and smell the morning coffee, life is not that bad, its not by force to be in a loveless marriage!

LOL. I like you already. Most Nigerian women are stupidddd. And they are too stupidddd to know they are stupidddd. SOme of them like Armyof one are so retarded, it is criminal.