He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control - Family - Nairaland
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| He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by sojimade(m): 1:49pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
Hi Nairalanders! Pls i need your advice on this issue. I have a brother who is 14 years old and presently in SS2. He makes friends easily and he is nice looking but the problem is he doesnt seem to care about his future. He sometimes get out of the house without telling anybody and spend up to like 3days outside and wont come home until we search and found him. So also the best grade he ever got in school is 3 E's and the rest are F's. He has been behaving like this since i've known him. Being the eldest son, my family members are looking up to me to give him a corrective measure. I've tried all approach ranging from spanking, persuassion, encouragement and so on. Pls i need your tips on how we can help him before its too late. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by kelz88(f): 2:23pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
I guess it's that age. But try and talk to him and find out why he's not enjoying school so much and try sweet talk him to at least do well enough to get C in maths and English. Tell him the importance of this. If after your nice talk doesn't work next time he shows up after a day or more of disappearing don't open the door for him. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Coldfeet(f): 2:54pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
Who has been responsible for him since birth? How did he get to ss2 with such poor results? What kind of friends does he keep? Do you sleep out or someone else in the family that he could be emulating? Is the whole family in unity? Have you or someone he respects ever sat him down to ask why he acts in such manners? Is there abuse in the family? Is someone in the family a gambler ie baba ijebu or coupon? Has he been exposed to the fast life? I could go on and on but the truth remains nobody is born wayward! Answering this questions you'll most likely find the root cause because such attitudes are picked up quiet early in life! Ask God for guidance then sit him down in private and talk to him! Not with a heavy tone and not berating or condemning! Encourage him to open up to you am sure things will get itself solved goodluck!!! 1 Like |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Nobody: 3:29pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
This is a result of parents spoiling or not paying much attention to their kids until things get out of control. His parents should have established their parental authority from day one. I can not believe he goes out and for three days without anyone knowing his whereabout. Pay me and I wouldn't have done that shi t even at 18yr.Now he is 14 yr old, been harsh wouldn't work.You will have to be his friend right now. Maybe he is mad at life. Have you people taken the time to notice whats going on in his life, i mean see his side of the story? Nowdays teenages have it very hard, and to be honest most parents can be so selfish. Is all about them, They don't try to see things from a kid point of view. For all you know that kid may be going thru depression, but right now, all the parents can see is a brat. A useless, lazy and stupid boy. He don't like school, have you people taken the time to ask him why he don't like school? There could be a problem you know. He is not comfortable at home so he stays away. He is probably angry with himself also, what he needs now is someone who will support him. You his brother have to befriend him, be supportive of him and gradually he will start to trust and love you like a best friend. He will take any advice u give to him. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Outstrip(f): 3:42pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
Where are your parents  ?? It is the responsibilty of his parents. Something is strange indeed |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by sojimade(m): 3:59pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
I bet it he is not freaked by fast life coz i would have even admire it in him. Mere looking at him you'll know, my brother only washes his school uniform on monday morning. Besides he is not emulating anybody coz al of us are well breed and mannered and we are always in unity. He just wish to be different out of the lot. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by ifyalways(f): 4:44pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
@OP, where are your parents How in Gods name would a 14 years old boy stay out of the house for days on end?one day, you guys would be seeing him after such disappearance in jail, if something is not done! Seriously,the family unit is nothing to write home about nowadays.all we hear are domestic violence, runaway fathers/mothers, parent-less kids exposed to all manner of vices at their early age. Its really pathetic. Where are the goddam parents ? |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Nobody: 4:55pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Fhemmmy: 5:00pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
chaircover: I dont know what to say o! but something is terribly wrong somewhere and has been for a long time. Hopefully its not too late to get this kid back on track. Your parents have a lot of work to do and this should be their priority right now That is so true and hope they will be able to get thru to him sooner rather than later |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Vansnickers: 5:02pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
He is in SS2??!! You are running out of Time. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Genius100: 8:09pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
He needs close supervision. You don't just tell him to go read his book. You set a schedule for him to read and you make sure he adheres to the schedule. Essentially, you just need to supervise him very closely in everything he does, until it becomes his habit... |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Fhemmmy: 8:20pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
Genius100: He needs close supervision. You don't just tell him to go read his book. You set a schedule for him to read and you make sure he adheres to the schedule. Essentially, you just need to supervise him very closely in everything he does, until it becomes his habit... Will that work for a kid that leaves home when he wants and wont come back till he is found? I thought you can only tell a kid at home to read his books? |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by MissyB3(f): 10:34pm On Mar 27, 2012 |
It's still very possible to get him back on track, start now before it's too late. Na wa for children of today eh! Even at 18, me, sleep out? I wan die?  I only went out alone after profound explanation of where I was going, and God help me should I exceed the return-back time established. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by sojimade(m): 11:33am On Mar 28, 2012 |
we are one united family, our parents are their for us and they are trying their best about the situation too |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Fhemmmy: 1:59pm On Mar 28, 2012 |
Missy_B: It's still very possible to get him back on track, start now before it's too late. I think sometimes, it is not the kids but the parents . . . the society as well as the "civilization" |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by shilling(f): 11:55am On Mar 29, 2012 |
Try some tough love. Spanking doesn't work and instead tell ur parents to punish him where it hurts, and always explain why you're doing this. I don't know how close you two are, but try hanging out with him. Sort of like a friend/big bro. Talk to him like you would a friend, and all though this is a good way to get info, don't ask him a million questions cos that's too obvious. Don't just do this one day, but make it continuous. Don't raise your voice when you talk about sensitive issues such as his behavior, but let him know that he is stressing his family out and will have to live with the consequences of his actions. He needs to understand that you guys are worried abt him. If he's a fan of hiphop culture, cite examples of tons of famous rappers out there who got in trouble with the law while they were younger and have changed and aren't ashamed to share their stories. You say the "fast life" doesn't appeal to him? What does he do when he's away for 3 days? If he has bad friends, this could be peer pressure. Encourage him to "do you"! If he likes to read, get him motivational books by authors he can relate to. To make sure he reads it, you can do a book club sorta thing where you also read the book, then discuss the book with lessons learnt when you're done reading. This is kinda extreme but you could pay a couple of police men and him locked up in jail for a couple of hours? lol. This is done on TV a lot, but many community organizations do this to unruly teens to show them where they could end up if their behavior continues to go downhill. But I think you should stop being the authoritative older bro and connect with him. I'm not saying be his best friend, but be his support system, someone he can fully trust and confide in. I was never an unruly teen, but I had a stage where I thought I was totally on my game as a daughter but my mum was always complaining about my behavior and attitude. When the spanking and nagging stopped, and my mum became a friend/a mum lol, I started to see things from her perspective. She gave me more freedom, I wanted more but I got enough to live with and I started to feel like I was growing up, and being treated like an adult. Sorry for the essay, and I know that's a lot of suggestions, but I don't know your bro so I don't know which of these would work for him. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by EfemenaXY: 1:19pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
sojimade: Hi Nairalanders! Pls i need your advice on this issue. I have a brother who is 14 years old and presently in SS2. He makes friends easily and he is nice looking but the problem is he doesnt seem to care about his future. He sometimes get out of the house without telling anybody and spend up to like 3days outside and wont come home until we search and found him. So also the best grade he ever got in school is 3 E's and the rest are F's. He has been behaving like this since i've known him. Being the eldest son, my family members are looking up to me to give him a corrective measure. I've tried all approach ranging from spanking, persuassion, encouragement and so on. Pls i need your tips on how we can help him before its too late. You pointed out a good number of areas that are of concern here to you and your family. I'll try to give my advice as I see it. First of all, you don't spank 14 year old teenage boys. That would only serve to humiliate the child in question and make him even more defiant. Boys at this stage in life would be undergoing a lot of hormonal changes and high testestrone levels. The world in itself would be confusing to them as they try to find their feet and are subject to mood swings. It's all very normal. What you need to do is try to remember what it felt like to be 14. Why? Because it would help you see things a bit from his perspective, and also help you "level" out with him. Secondly, from what I've read the boy in question is obviously very unhappy especially at school. Achieving low grades further goes to prove this. You say the best he's ever achieved are E's. Is this because he doesn't understand the subjects being taught? A child who doesn't grasp the foundations of a particular subject is bound to struggle with it. This would cause a lot of frustration initially and eventually result in an "I don't care" attitude and feeling, "what's the point of bothering at all?". In this case what you need to do is discuss with him, listen to what he has to say and then both of you suggest potential solutions. Depending on your financial situation, it might help getting him to attend lessons after school or better still, pay for a qualified teacher in his problem subjects to deliver 1-2-1 tuition at home for him. Thirdly, you mention he leaves home for days on end. He obviously is being supported outside otherwise if nothing else, starvation alone would make him return home. But that's beside the point here. The real issue here is that the boy is unhappy with the situation of things at home thus his absence for days on end. What you need to do is sit him down and try to get to the root of the matter. Why is he unhappy at home? Is this a cry for help on his part? I read somewhere that in large families, kids who are in the "middle" say 3rd child out of 5 tend to be the naughtiest as they don't feel anyone notices them enough. A lot of emphasis is usually placed on the 1st and last children. Try to find out what exactly is bothering your brother. And finally, I presume your parents are still very much in the picture. If so, then why have they passed on their parental responsibility to you? Why aren't they actively involved in your brother's upbringing? Parenting is a life long commitment - you do not "give up", or "take a holiday" from your parenting duties. They need to step up to the game. No child is born "bad". Children are what you make them. Hope this helps and good luck. 1 Like |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Fhemmmy: 1:28pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
shilling: Try some tough love. Spanking doesn't work and instead tell ur parents to punish him where it hurts, and always explain why you're doing this. That is what is missing these days, i remember when and how we used to get some nice punishment and that helped us to be who we are today, not all kids will "go to your room, go to the corner" will work for. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Seun(m): 1:31pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
Fhemmmy: That is what is missing these days, i remember when and how we used to get some nice punishment and that helped us to be who we are today, not all kids will "go to your room, go to the corner" will work for.And today you are ... a man who believes in beating kids. :-) |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by queensmith: 2:16pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
sojimade: Hi Nairalanders! Pls i need your advice on this issue. I have a brother who is 14 years old and presently in SS2. He makes friends easily and he is nice looking but the problem is he doesnt seem to care about his future. He sometimes get out of the house without telling anybody and spend up to like 3days outside and wont come home until we search and found him. So also the best grade he ever got in school is 3 E's and the rest are F's. He has been behaving like this since i've known him. Being the eldest son, my family members are looking up to me to give him a corrective measure. I've tried all approach ranging from spanking, persuassion, encouragement and so on. Pls i need your tips on how we can help him before its too late. He might have learning disabilities, its common for children to spazz out esp in cultures where expectations in education are soo high. You can both research on what he can do when he's older and not keep it strictly university professional degree compete with the universe type crap. Let him know he has a range of options and if he can't cope with education he can always go into those soo long as he's serious. Give him responsibilities so he knows he's not useless, monitor his friends and try to get them to stay in the house so you know what they get up to. Im not a fan of game consoles for children but you can try getting one so the friends want to stay with him at home. I know teenagers are not fantastic to raise when they prove difficult but this is actually your last chance to fix things before theres permanant damage |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by Fhemmmy: 2:44pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
Seun: Today i am a man that believe in using the right measure for the right kid . . . Every child is different. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by EfemenaXY: 2:46pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
queensmith: ^^ Exactly! I did think about the bit highlighted in bold but forgot to mention it. @Poster, have you considered that he might be dyslexic, be on the autistic spectrum, or any host of medical issues? And just as queensmith's mentioned, you might want to lower your expectations in terms of his educational attainment. Not everyone is cut out to be a university graduate. There are many extremely successful people in life who never entered the four walls of a university but have attained such wealth that many of us can only dream about. Sir Alan Sugar, David Beckham, etc. Bottom line here is, find out what the underlining issues are with your brother, find out what he likes / wants to do in future (i.e: his interests) and take it from there. . . |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by yeswecan(m): 9:09pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
@ poster Control? Are you being serious? You are trying to turn him into your version of cool, and you may end up destroying his life because guess what, he is fine just the way he is. Love him and do not make any attempt to change him to what you want him to be, later in life you will recall this moment and understand why. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by agiboma(f): 10:22pm On Mar 29, 2012 |
@ OP apart from being at that rebilious age your bro seems to be having ssome detachment issues. What are his likes, what is he interested in, i.e music, painting, singing, etc. You need to find and establish a mutual ground and that is where you start in building a relationship with him. If he likes sports enroll him in an activity where he can feel that he belongs and something he enjoys. Talk to him as him what he wants to do, dont TELL him what to do, that is possibly where you are running into the trouble. He obviously is not interested in school, by finding something he enjoys he may pick an interest in school again. |
| Re: He Is Proving Too Difficult To Control by shilling(f): 10:24am On Apr 01, 2012 |
Fhemmmy: Nope. Spanking doesn't work cos like you probably know, after a while you get immune to spanking and it becomes a routine. Lots of children will tell you that when they did something wrong and their parents who usually spank chose not to and used another form of punishment instead, it hurt more than spanking. You spank the child, and it's over with, and that's why I said punish where it hurts. By punishment, I don't mean "go to your room", that won't work on an older kid. I'm glad that my parents realized when I was quite young that spanking doesn't work, and I turned out pretty good if I may say so myself (and so did my siblings). Like you said, every child is different. |
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