agiboma:

Yes oooo really my views on womanizers appearently is highly controversial on this NL. I choose to think and reason out side of the box on this one.

Why didn't you think and reason that way before you came online to lament about your hubbys' way-ward ways? Am glad that you took to the advice of some people here on NL, because that has obviously worked and is working for you. Everything is not about divorce at all, infact like someone pointed out, the last resort. But it will be good to candidly give advice. Saying she should stay and enjoy her man when she has pointed out that there is virtually nothing to enjoy in the marraige is just ridiculous, some men, if you like turn upside-down, they will not look at you. There is nothing you can do to such men especially if there is nothing tying them to the woman apart from children, no more emotional attraction, nothing to fall back on in the relationship, and such people are usually unrepentant, except for "divine intervention".

agiboma:

Look i agree with you 100% on the above no doubt about it. So lets talk about this Nigeria for a minute ok.

1.) Nigeria where a man can LEGALLY have multiple wives
2.) Nigeria where men are the head of the houshold and usually have all the money
3.) Nigeria where woman are not empowered or recognised in the society as an equal
4.) Nigeria where the employment is scare unemployment is high

What are women to do in this society based on the above and so much more i did not mention, find a wealthy man and hold on @ all cost. Look i did not create the dynamics of this society. in short in my home country it is the exact opposite of life over here so this whole expereince has been a learning curve for me but i see a lot more these days that I have opened up my eyes to the realities of the society that i currently live in. Would i give this advice to someone in my home Country of course NOT. Am I a hyprocrite. The answer again is no. For example if OP was in Canada I would tell her to divorce if she wants and take her chances she will find a man, of course over their she would be entitled to half the husbands assets. So i would say go for it. But come on in Nigeria, 3 kids divorced and looking for a decent man that will make you happy. That request superseads a miracle ooo. until things change in this country like men only being able to keep 1 wife and women being able to sue and get half their assets upon divorce i dont see anything changing, in regards to men keeping their joystick under control. . Look i did not make the rules of this society, Im just living in it thats all.

1) Only the legal wife is recognised by the law
2) Women these days contribute towards the running of the household.
3) What gender are the two most important people running the country other than the president? I hope you know women now go to university and they are making damn good use of the degress they acquire respectively
4) What has employment being scarce have to do with being in an unhappy relationship?

Money can't buy happiness ya know

agiboma:

Yes oooo really my views on womanizers appearently is highly controversial on this NL. I choose to think and reason out side of the box on this one.

No, you are NOT thinking outside the box. You are just a desperate woman with little self-esteem. I am happy for you that your marriage finally worked out well (but you are only a few years into the marriage anyway and it made sense for you to stay and fight for it). It makes no sense to advice this woman that has tried her best to make it work for a decade to keep fighting.

This is why all the women in my life MUST go to school and make something of themselves. I just can't imagine my oldest sister, a U.S. doctor, being treated this way in her husband's house and she just stays there in silent desperation. It's only women with nothing to contribute to society besides a womb that hang on desperately to failed marriages. If you have something to offer the world and can stand on your own two feet, there's no reason for a man to treat you like garbage for the rest of your life. Aunty Aigboma, please take your experience as an exception to the rule; stop sentencing your fellow women to a lifetime of misery.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^GBAMEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

moremi2008:

No, you are NOT thinking outside the box. You are just a desperate woman with little self-esteem. I am happy for you that your marriage finally worked out well (but you are only a few years into the marriage anyway and it made sense for you to stay and fight for it). It makes no sense to advice this woman that has tried her best to make it work for a decade to keep fighting.

This is why all the women in my life MUST go to school and make something of themselves. I just can't imagine my oldest sister, a U.S. doctor, being treated this way in her husband's house and she just stays there in silent desperation. It's only women with nothing to contribute to society besides a womb that hang on desperately to failed marriages. If you have something to offer the world and can stand on your own two feet, there's no reason for a man to treat you like garbage for the rest of your life. Aunty Aigboma, please take your experience as an exception to the rule; stop sentencing your fellow women to a lifetime of misery.

moremi2008, this is a grey area - it's not written in black n white.
your oldest sister could be a professor - if she wanders into the naija terrain, men would treat her the same way.
if she decides to stay by herself with the kids, it's a social stigma.
even if she doesn't care about what the society thinks, she's human after all - loneliness, desolation, etc.
she would start picking up men in bars, pubs, etc to warm her bed - naija society abhors such.

Whatever the woman plans to do post divorce is her personal business. Why are people worried about if she would be lonely and the kind of men she may meet? Did she mention that she is desperate? Did she mention that she needs a relationship to feel human? Did she come here to advertise and beg for boyfriend or moan about not being able to stay alone? Social stigma or no social stigma, live your life for yourself. The people you are trying to impress will always find a way to stigmatize you. When your husband passes in front of them with the newest babe or your are stricken with AIDS, will they not laugh and still stigmatize? . This life is all about choice. So it is left for the OP to make that decision. Not people worrying about things like boyfriend. Think more about your kids. Am sure you dont want your daughters and generation yet unborn to fall in the same cycle and trap. Because it never ends. Met lots of girls from these kinds of families and they are damaged emotionally. The guys nko? Their mentality is something that will scare you. They have not respect for women, be it their mums or sisters.

op so you want to be like your husband, can 2 wrongs make a right. I believe the best person you ll seek her advice is a divorcee with 3 kids if she would be honest with you. Thank God you have the wherewithal to take care of you and your kids, look for a hobby or better still join some religious group and try not to see him as the enemy in the house. You said you have reported him to his family I dont believe he will force you if you insist on him using condom .i dont buy the idea of divorce. There is no perfect marriage. And search yourself well to know if you re remotely the cause. An obedient wife commands her husband.

moremi2008:
Aunty Aigboma, please take your experience as an exception to the rule; stop sentencing your fellow women to a lifetime of misery.

Misery loves company?

aigboma am with you. Quiters never win

moremi2008:

theories that have zero correlation with reality.

your reality!!!.

op, am a lawyer, lets serve that motherfucker.

you are a fool, you think getting divorce will make you happy?? go and ask the divorced/widows how they are coping, you think its bread and moi moi abi?
anyway P.M so we can know how to proceed

fellis:
Ahhh! Now I see where your views comes from.
Abeg, abeg, abeg, what women are to do in a situation such as the one we find our society is for them to GET JOBS so that they don't end up thinking they need to depend on men at all costs to survive.
Fine, unemployment is rife but jobs are still there. Women still get jobs.
As for the society we live in and the lack of recognition of women which plagues it, what we should do is CHANGE it, or at least attempt to change it by speaking against it instead of putting up with it without complaining. If you have a problem, try to solve it, don't adapt to it.

I agree the CHANGE in this society is long overdue? How do we go about it. well lets lobby to pass laws about divorce so that woman get half the husbands assets that should be a good start dont you think?

@ All that are the newest members of my fan club, my the list grows daily. I try and have been able to be the CAUSE of my inner happiness and well being, i stopped being the effect. For all you great minds i am sure you understand the CAUSE/AFFECT concept/theory. I wake up everyday and choose to be happy, I dont depend on my husband or kid to bring joy to my soul, I do that for myself. Now i did not get to this point easily it took a lot of reading and really understanding myself. So for those that say i have "low self esteem and self worth" you could not be any more wrong, problem is you dont understand the basis that i live my life by. Read up on CAUSE and AFFECT before you start with your analysis of my self worth.

agiboma: @ All that are the newest members of my fan club, my the list grows daily. I try and have been able to be the CAUSE of my inner happiness and well being, i stopped being the effect. For all you great minds i am sure you understand the CAUSE/AFFECT concept/theory. I wake up everyday and choose to be happy, I dont depend on my husband or kid to bring joy to my soul, I do that for myself. Now i did not get to this point easily it took a lot of reading and really understanding myself. So for those that say i have "low self esteem and self worth" you could not be any more wrong, problem is you dont understand the basis that i live my life by. Read up on CAUSE and AFFECT before you start with your analysis of my self worth.

dont mind them jare, reality is different from fiction, you are indeed a virtous woman

coogar:

moremi2008, this is a grey area - it's not written in black n white.
your oldest sister could be a professor - if she wanders into the naija terrain, men would treat her the same way.
if she decides to stay by herself with the kids, it's a social stigma.
even if she doesn't care about what the society thinks, she's human after all - loneliness, desolation, etc.
she would start picking up men in bars, pubs, etc to warm her bed - naija society abhors such.

My sister was born and raised in Nigeria and knows what it means to be married to a Naija guy. Besides, I and my mum always drum it into her head what it's like to live in a man's house. She's smart and wise enough to know what to do. But there are limits. We spent a lot of money to train and raise her properly and the very least we can expect of her future husband is to treat her with respect and dignity. Yes, no marriage is perfect and a marriage is worth fighting for but only to a limit. I would NEVER condone my sister staying married to a wayward man with no self-control, especially if that man makes no moves to change after many years. Issues like violence are simply non-negotiable. Thank God she's smart enough to know to never stay with a man that beats her. God forbid bad thing! Our daughter is not a throw-away child for a useless man to rubbish.

991:

whatever happened to your mum is no good reason for you to solicit divorce in any marriage problem. your dad's habit is totally different from the OP's husband. your offensive words at me tells that the blood of your dad still runs in you.

Like I said earlier, you don't know me (and you never will) and have absolutely no clue what you're talking about. What does blood have to do with decisions and choices? Keep reading nonsense tea leaves about the blood that runs in my body; it just makes you sound like a big dunce. Ooops, did I hurt your precious feelings? Oya, sorry, pele!

How did this thread suddenly shift to Agiboma and her personal life ?

neyostica:

dont mind them jare, reality is different from fiction, you are indeed a virtous woman

neyo u couldnt av said it any better.
Agi u earn my respect 200%. I admire ur courage n strent. God bless ur family ma.

ifyalways: How did this thread suddenly shift to Agiboma and her personal life ?

Because like a she-goat that never learns, she has come into the thread offering foolish advice. That's why she's back to playing her favorite role of "long-suffering mule" in the Family section. Yet, I have to give Aunty Aigboma some credit; her skin is as tough as a punching bag's and her back is hard like concrete from all the suffering! Good for her! Whatever floats her boat jor!

@ taryour & neyostica thanks very much

moremi2008:
Yet, I have to give Aunty Aigboma some credit; her skin is as tough as a punching bag's and her back is hard like concrete from all the suffering! Good for her! Whatever floats her boat jor!

You got that right, hmmm I ownder does that sound like the qualities of someone with low self esteem at teh first attack they would run for cover, but im still standing. Anyways till the next time, this starts up again.

@ Ify well once you got a womanizer thread it usually ends this way since i became a regular on NL, i am sure their are many more battles to come in t he future, until these folks which some have already learnt to ignore me and let me be as i let them be also.

WOW, may God grant us wisdom. If only the man would be responsible, all of this would be unnecessary. No doubt, OP does not wish all of this for herself but she needs to brace-up and be strong for life after divorce. The whole thing is just so heartbreaking.

agiboma: @ taryour & neyostica thanks very much



You got that right, hmmm I ownder does that sound like the qualities of someone with low self esteem at teh first attack they would run for cover, but im still standing. Anyways till the next time, this starts up again.

@ Ify well once you got a womanizer thread it usually ends this way since i became a regular on NL, i am sure their are many more battles to come in t he future, until these folks which some have already learnt to ignore me and let me be as i let them be also.

Would you per chance be referring to Aunty Bournvita? She who shall not be mentioned! Hahahahaha!!!! See what crazy Aunty Jenny don cause for NL! I love her crazy dramatics.

coogar:

moremi2008, this is a grey area - it's not written in black n white.
your oldest sister could be a professor - if she wanders into the naija terrain, men would treat her the same way.
if she decides to stay by herself with the kids, it's a social stigma.
even if she doesn't care about what the society thinks, she's human after all - loneliness, desolation, etc.
she would start picking up men in bars, pubs, etc to warm her bed - naija society abhors such.

God bless you a million fold for always keeping it real oh jare. May your days be long and may your reservoir of wisdom never run dry.

kcheerful: thanks to all those who showed empathy. and to all the bad mouthed people. maybe i should ask God to let u av a feel of what i am going thru so we will see if u will react differently.
what m,akes the situation hopeless is dat is parents are dead. they died shortly after we got married. his mum just had 2 of dem and he he the one feeding his brother so dat one cant even open nhis mouth to advise him.
my parents av spoken with him severally and i av told them to leave him alone
in short he has no one to report him to. he acts like he is cursed with that womanising spirit.
sometimes when i catch him, he promise to stop, but he'll be back into it again in a few weeks.
and he is getting more and more reckless about it
10 years is no joke for those who think i av not persevered enough.
for me itsa a new dawn.
let me free him.

What do you mean by badmouthed people! The forum is filled with members who are not follow follow sheeps hence would "obviously" have diverse answers, so you cannot control who answers or what they answer because not everyone has the same mindset.


You are established and towing a great career path whereby you are your own boss, you are looking for an apartment to rent, etc so you cannot tell me you have never come across how to get a Lawyer outside of Nairaland, so I can safely conclude that you brought your issues here because you are still clearly in love with your Husband and would love to see whether there was an inkling of chance that someone would provide a crutch or a word of hope to hold onto, to weather this storm in your marriage


Agiboma, the most outspoken and passionate on this thread so far has exactly walked in your shoes, with equally the same number of years or thereabout. She is an independent go getter like you, owns thriving petrol station, a Clinic, amongst other things. . . Heck she ain't even Nigerian, she is a foreigner and not only that, she has the feisty Jamaican blood coursing through her vein as part of her ancenstry. . .what am I trying to say. . . SHE AIN'T NO DOORMAT, she ain't no pushover. . .she is not the type to rollover and play dead for a man. . .but she is human. . . It was this year that she posted her story on NL about wanting out too. . .but God opened the eyes of her understanding.. . Now within months her Hubby is a transformed man, her marriage improved for the better, she has gotten her man back and her marriage has been improving in leaps and bounds. . .


Is anything too difficult for God. . .she decided to heed God's call to the weary and heavy-laden and let go and let God and continue to bear her cross and run the race thinking she has got her work cut out for her. . . She went before God and within weeks He turned her mourning into dancing, lifted her sorrow, now she can't stay silent for what the Lord hath done, so y'all should free her to testify and proffer her advise as she deems fit and live and let live.


Congratulations Agiboma, wishing you the next 100 years of unadulterated wedded bliss and the pitter patter of a dozen tiny feet by God's grace.

Thank you BB and it was actually about 5 months ago, i originally posted, how time goes by quickly. BB you truly understand me. (((hugs)))

agiboma: Thank you BB and it was actually about 5 months ago, i originally posted, how time goes by quickly. BB you truly understand me. (((hugs)))

Its the power of unconditional love, just like God's unconditional love for us. . .love is the only thing you give away and get more of.

Wow its been 5 months, how time flies indeed.

(((HUGS TO YOU TOO)))

@OP
If you want to leave, everything has to be in order. That means you have to plan, make a draft of the things you would have to do---accommodation, your finances etc. Never do things like this in haste, because right now you're angry which you have every right to be anyway. But you need to take a breather and plan to achieve your aim. There's definitely nothing wrong in divorce from a cheating husband.

@BB, that was such a lovely post.

blank: @BB, that was such a lovely post.

i couldnt av agreed more with u dearie.