Hello everyone,this is long but please bear with me.
A little background, my family moved to the US when i was 5 years old,and my boyfriend's family moved to the US when he was 12 years old.5 years ago my boyfriend and dated for a short time,we broke up because he kissed another girl,we were both very young i was 17 and he was 19,he was my first boyfriend.He apologized,told me he regretted what he did but i told him we couldn't go back together.Later on his family moved to Europe,and 3 years ago,we started talking a lot over the phone,skype,email,facebook, we became really close. End of 2009,he asked me if we could date again,i told him,i really care about him,but i didnt want to travel down that road again.He was very patient, in 2010 i finally accepted to date him.We planned that he would come visit me in summer 2011,since i had an internship and couldn't go there,however he also obtained an internship at the last minute. Obviously we were disappointed but school is more important,we decided that we will definitely spend a month together this summer in Africa.
One thing i forgot to mention is that now he is studying in Europe, his sister as well but his mum moved back to Africa.LIke usual something happened,i got a co-op,which means Africa was out of question for me,then i suggested 3 things,I can go visit him right before my co-op starts;i can go see him two weeks after he is done with school,or else he can come see me for a week before he leaves for Africa. To all those suggestions his answer was NO,he said he is too busy with his final year project,and exams therefore i cant go see him before my co-op,nor can we wait for me for two weeks after he is done because his mum wont let him,and he cant come visit me before he leaves because again his mum wont let him,he said she will tell him to go visit her first and then visit me later.
Just to clarify something,his mum doesn't know about us,he had said he will introduce me to his mum this summer,but my whole family knows about him,well they found out from someone else,and when they asked me i told them it was the truth,and they never made this a big deal.I don't have any problem about his mum not knowing about me but i think it is causing a strain on the relationship,because if the mum knew about us,he probably wouldn't have a problem waiting two weeks for me or coming to see me for a week then leave for Africa.I know with our African culture we don't go telling our parents about our boyfriends/girlfriends,and i am really okay with it,i love our culture and i embrace it.
But for me it feels like if he really wanted to see me,he could have came up with something to tell his mum,not that he is going to see his girlfriend but to say something else,so he could wait for me,or come here for a week.He said that he doesn't know why i don't understand since he is going to try and come to see me in October,i reiterated that i don't have a problem with him coming in october,nevertheless it wont be the same,i will be in school,and i wont have as much time as i do now,and if i was the one in his place,i would explain all that to my mum,and i wasn't asking for a month but for a week.It feels like i am more invested in this,or like i am trying so hard.Am i being unreasonable?or selfish?I love my boyfriend a lot,and i think he loves me too,thats why i am holding on to this,otherwise i would have let it go.Cant he really try hard so we can see each other?Men and women,what would you do in my situation?Is he just a momma's boy?Or he is still very dependent?He is almost 25,shouldn't he be able to do some things without asking permission?
Ps: I keep mentioning Africa on purpose and i am aware its continent,the reason being that we were suppose to visit more than 7 african countries,but originally i am from Rwanda and my boyfriend he is half nigerian half Rwandese.
Thank you everyone

First Africa is not a country for God's sake. The cultures are not the same. Please be more specific in your next version of the story because I don't know how to answer it. The only thing I know is that in some cultures, even at the age of 25, most parents still plays a role in their children decision. He may or may not be a mama's boy

chrishenzo: First Africa is not a country for God's sake. The cultures are not the same. Please be more specific in your next version of the story because I don't know how to answer it. The only thing I know is that in some cultures, even at the age of 25, most parents still plays a role in their children decision. He may or may not be a mama's boy

Chrishenzo,sorry for the confusion,however i said Africa knowing that it is a continent,and it is because we were suppose to be travelling not only in one country but in more than 7 countries.However Originally i am from Rwanda,and he is half Rwandese/half nigerian.

Sage,

I will give you the advise my late mom and cousins gave me. I wish I had paid attention. This is cos u sound like me.

African men do not get independent so fast. At 25 the last thing they have on their mind is commitment. They have their career, education and impressing their family as their priority. So his mum would probably come first before you. He might have spent one year pursuing you but that doesn't mean that he will come running to do your bidding every time. This does not mean that he doesn't love you,no but honey the harsh reality is dat most men would first want to get somethings settled first before he makes a woman his priority. You may already be dreaming oh! My future husband but he is not seeing u as such yet. It will still take some years before he starts to think in that direction. Few men may not fit this description but majority of them do.

My advise to you is to continue your relationship but don't put too muCh pressure on him. You are still very young and since you guys are not engaged yet, you should focus on ur education, try and meet other guys too and get to know them. This will build your confidence and give you a better perspective about men. With time you won't be presurizing ur BF to call or come see u all the time. You will also become more attractive to him and he will be d one that will want to break all protocols to meet u.

You are too young to cry over a boyfriend not telling his mom abt u, when there are still a zillion guys having hypertension when u pass. Enjoy ur life and have fun.

My advise might not make sense to you now but in 6 years, you will understand better if u don't follow it.

Long distance relationship & it's demerits! Btw, if u both work hard τ̅☺ make it work, it surely will.

kitty kat: Sage,

I will give you the advise my late mom and cousins gave me. I wish I had paid attention. This is cos u sound like me.

African men do not get independent so fast. At 25 the last thing they have on their mind is commitment. They have their career, education and impressing their family as their priority. So his mum would probably come first before you. He might have spent one year pursuing you but that doesn't mean that he will come running to do your bidding every time. This does not mean that he doesn't love you,no but honey the harsh reality is dat most men would first want to get somethings settled first before he makes a woman his priority. You may already be dreaming oh! My future husband but he is not seeing u as such yet. It will still take some years before he starts to think in that direction. Few men may not fit this description but majority of them do.

My advise to you is to continue your relationship but don't put too muCh pressure on him. You are still very young and since you guys are not engaged yet, you should focus on ur education, try and meet other guys too and get to know them. This will build your confidence and give you a better perspective about men. With time you won't be presurizing ur BF to call or come see u all the time. You will also become more attractive to him and he will be d one that will want to break all protocols to meet u.

You are too young to cry over a boyfriend not telling his mom abt u, when there are still a zillion guys having hypertension when u pass. Enjoy ur life and have fun.

My advise might not make sense to you now but in 6 years, you will understand better if u don't follow it.

Well said. @OP Take this advice.

kitty kat: Sage,

I will give you the advise my late mom and cousins gave me. I wish I had paid attention. This is cos u sound like me.

African men do not get independent so fast. At 25 the last thing they have on their mind is commitment. They have their career, education and impressing their family as their priority. So his mum would probably come first before you. He might have spent one year pursuing you but that doesn't mean that he will come running to do your bidding every time. This does not mean that he doesn't love you,no but honey the harsh reality is dat most men would first want to get somethings settled first before he makes a woman his priority. You may already be dreaming oh! My future husband but he is not seeing u as such yet. It will still take some years before he starts to think in that direction. Few men may not fit this description but majority of them do.

My advise to you is to continue your relationship but don't put too muCh pressure on him. You are still very young and since you guys are not engaged yet, you should focus on ur education, try and meet other guys too and get to know them. This will build your confidence and give you a better perspective about men. With time you won't be presurizing ur BF to call or come see u all the time. You will also become more attractive to him and he will be d one that will want to break all protocols to meet u.

You are too young to cry over a boyfriend not telling his mom abt u, when there are still a zillion guys having hypertension when u pass. Enjoy ur life and have fun.

My advise might not make sense to you now but in 6 years, you will understand better if u don't follow it.

SEALED

kitty kat: Sage,

I will give you the advise my late mom and cousins gave me. I wish I had paid attention. This is cos u sound like me.

African men do not get independent so fast. At 25 the last thing they have on their mind is commitment. They have their career, education and impressing their family as their priority. So his mum would probably come first before you. He might have spent one year pursuing you but that doesn't mean that he will come running to do your bidding every time. This does not mean that he doesn't love you,no but honey the harsh reality is dat most men would first want to get somethings settled first before he makes a woman his priority. You may already be dreaming oh! My future husband but he is not seeing u as such yet. It will still take some years before he starts to think in that direction. Few men may not fit this description but majority of them do.

My advise to you is to continue your relationship but don't put too muCh pressure on him. You are still very young and since you guys are not engaged yet, you should focus on ur education, try and meet other guys too and get to know them. This will build your confidence and give you a better perspective about men. With time you won't be presurizing ur BF to call or come see u all the time. You will also become more attractive to him and he will be d one that will want to break all protocols to meet u.

You are too young to cry over a boyfriend not telling his mom abt u, when there are still a zillion guys having hypertension when u pass. Enjoy ur life and have fun.

My advise might not make sense to you now but in 6 years, you will understand better if u don't follow it.

Kitty kat thank you so much for your input.That was very thoughtful.But Kitty i really don't want him to introduce me to his family,if he is no ready yet,i realize we both are still very young and have a lot ahead of us.And his mum and his family come before me and thats okay,they have been there for him his whole life,how can i ask him to put me before them?i cant do that.however i don't understand how he can't come to see me for a week especially after we have been planning to see each other for the past two years,or wait for me to go see him,that's the issue.I am asking too much?Do you think i am reading too much into this?Why do i feel like if he wanted to see him,he could have an excuse to spend a week with me. I really appreciate your advice and i will try to follow it. Thanks again

Thanks dear.

I don't know what's on his mind right now. What I am interested is what's on ur mind. Ofcourse u should be bothered but I don't want you to be bothered. The reason is that nothing really good will come out of it. You might nag him, ignore him or break up with him but its not necessary. He may or may not be the one but right now acting right to a woman is not in his agenda.

That's why I want you to meet other guys. Make friends, hang out, open up, get admired and appreciated for being young and beautiful. It will hurt cos u love him but I want u to grow up fast. Let me digress a bit. Ladies who double, triple, quadriple date never get heart broken. Infact they are the ones that broken hearted guys come to NLD to bash and cry about.

I want you to learn from them but don't double date. If you need to talk to a guy, talk to guys around you. When a guy pays u attention at the mall, on the train, plane, in school and even NLD don't ignore or snob him. Be nice to them and make friends. You might even decide that ur bf might bot be the one for you after interacting with a lot of ppl.

kitty kat: Thanks dear.

I don't know what's on his mind right now. What I am interested is what's on ur mind. Ofcourse u should be bothered but I don't want you to be bothered. The reason is that nothing really good will come out of it. You might nag him, ignore him or break up with him but its not necessary. He may or may not be the one but right now acting right to a woman is not in his agenda.

That's why I want you to meet other guys. Make friends, hang out, open up, get admired and appreciated for being young and beautiful. It will hurt cos u love him but I want u to grow up fast. Let me digress a bit. Ladies who double, triple, quadriple date never get heart broken. Infact they are the ones that broken hearted guys come to NLD to bash and cry about.

I want you to learn from them but don't double date. If you need to talk to a guy, talk to guys around you. When a guy pays u attention at the mall, on the train, plane, in school and even NLD don't ignore or snob him. Be nice to them and make friends. You might even decide that ur bf might bot be the one for you after interacting with a lot of ppl.

Kitty kat thanks again for your thoughts.

Its almost like you were reading my mind,i was planning to ignore him,thinking about how i should break up with him.But after reading your post,i am going to let go this lets meet soon behavior and focus on me for now.I hang out with guys,and all the time i make sure people know i have a boyfriend already,and most of my friends tell me i shouldn't do that,that it is not necessary.

I feel unhappy in this relationship,i know we are both busy with school,internships and all,but it really may just be a possibility that those are taking a higher precedence in his life than mine.I feel like i don't matter to him that he matters to me,like i am not on his top priority list,and complaining about that will only turn me into a nagging girlfriend,not to say clingy!

You are helping me a lot,and i really appreciate it.
Thank you so much

U should also make other things have more priority in ur life than him. So get up and get out. Enjoy urself girl. When you are pretty and enjoying urself, guys come running to you. You shd never bother urself abt a guy who has no time for you. When he is less busy or notices ur absence, he will look for u and u might not be available.

Have real fun and don't spoil ur chances by writing on ur forehead that u have a boyfriend.

can't you just find another man and get on with your life?
are men that scarce or are you just too ugly?