I need advice from experienced Nairalanders on an issue bothering me.

I hardly quarrel or have misunderstanding with my fiancee but once in a while when we do or when she gets upset, she decides to keep quiet and no matter what I say, she would just keep quiet. At the worst, she cries when I react to something she did wrong.

What is of concern to me is the fact that a few hours later after a misunderstanding, when she calls or I call her, she 'd act normal as though nothing had happened. When u want to remind her she 'd simply apologize and ask you to let the issue behind us. She prefers not to discuss it and prefers that the issue(s) should be ignored.

When I try to get her to talk about it, she 'd say she is through with the issue and doesn't want to go back to it. The truth is that she never makes references to them and if its something you want her to stop doing, she 'd discontinue it.
Is it okay to leave issues/misunderstandings in that way without resolving them? What are the risk of leaving issues unresolved and moving on even if you get the desired response or change?

odeexpress: I need advice from experienced Nairalanders on an issue bothering me.

I hardly quarrel or have misunderstanding with my fiancee but once in a while when we do or when she gets upset, she decides to keep quiet and no matter what I say, she would just keep quiet. At the worst, she cries when I react to something she did wrong.

What is of concern to me is the fact that a few hours later after a misunderstanding, when she calls or I call her, she 'd act normal as though nothing had happened. When u want to remind her she 'd simply apologize and ask you to let the issue behind us. She prefers not to discuss it and prefers that the issue(s) should be ignored.

When I try to get her to talk about it, she 'd say she is through with the issue and doesn't want to go back to it. The truth is that she never makes references to them and if its something you want her to stop doing, she 'd discontinue it.
Is it okay to leave issues/misunderstandings in that way without resolving them? What are the risk of leaving issues unresolved and moving on even if you get the desired response or change?

very very good. Op, dats excatly woth i do also in my relationship and it as greatly woked for me cos o av a very bad temper,my hubby to as a bad anger. I av used this method in my marriage n its been wokin for me(but my hubby n i normaly discuss d isues later in very humble and polite mood wen it as ben resolved).
U av no problem at all as long as she dosnt do all d things dat brot up d misunderstandings. No problem at all.

odeexpress: I need advice from experienced Nairalanders on an issue bothering me.

I hardly quarrel or have misunderstanding with my fiancee but once in a while when we do or when she gets upset, she decides to keep quiet and no matter what I say, she would just keep quiet. At the worst, she cries when I react to something she did wrong.

What is of concern to me is the fact that a few hours later after a misunderstanding, when she calls or I call her, she 'd act normal as though nothing had happened. When u want to remind her she 'd simply apologize and ask you to let the issue behind us. She prefers not to discuss it and prefers that the issue(s) should be ignored.

When I try to get her to talk about it, she 'd say she is through with the issue and doesn't want to go back to it. The truth is that she never makes references to them and if its something you want her to stop doing, she 'd discontinue it.
Is it okay to leave issues/misunderstandings in that way without resolving them? What are the risk of leaving issues unresolved and moving on even if you get the desired response or change?

very very good. Op, dats excatly woth i do also in my relationship and it as greatly woked for me cos o av a very bad temper,my hubby to as a bad anger. I av used this method in my marriage n its been wokin for me(but my hubby n i normaly discuss d isues later in very humble and polite mood wen it as ben resolved).
U av no problem at all as long as she dosnt do all d things dat brot up d misunderstandings. No problem at all.

taryour:

very very good. Op, dats excatly woth i do also in my relationship and it as greatly woked for me cos o av a very bad temper,my hubby to as a bad anger. I av used this method in my marriage n its been wokin for me(but my hubby n i normaly discuss d isues later in very humble and polite mood wen it as ben resolved).
U av no problem at all as long as she dosnt do all d things dat brot up d misunderstandings. No problem at all.

Yes she doesn't do them. Thank you so much!

U v a wonderful woman dere, so wats d point of botherin ursef
Dats er own flaw, a slightly preferable one sha

Dyt: U v a wonderful woman dere, so wats d point of botherin ursef
Dats er own flaw, a slightly preferable one sha

well said!

Dyt: U v a wonderful woman dere, so wats d point of botherin ursef
Dats er own flaw, a slightly preferable one sha

Thank you! Just wanted to know if we are doing things the right way. I appreciate your reply

Ppl lyk us r so rare u know
Enjoy everybit of her
Lucky u

Dyt: Ppl lyk us r so rare u know
Enjoy everybit of her
Lucky u

It is well!

My dear poster, you have a woman who does not want to aggravate things beyond any point, i like that, that is a very good attribute and attitude towards life. I just hope you will listen to her too when she complains about the things she does not like.

ronkebp: My dear poster, you have a woman who does not want to aggravate things beyond any point, i like that, that is a very good attribute and attitude towards life. I just hope you will listen to her too when she complains about the things she does not like.

I have always listened and willing to make more efforts. Thank you

OP, wow! That is one phenomenal woman. Are you sure she is not an alien?

odeexpress: I need advice from experienced Nairalanders on an issue bothering me.

I hardly quarrel or have misunderstanding with my fiancee but once in a while when we do or when she gets upset, she decides to keep quiet and no matter what I say, she would just keep quiet. At the worst, she cries when I react to something she did wrong.

What is of concern to me is the fact that a few hours later after a misunderstanding, when she calls or I call her, she 'd act normal as though nothing had happened. When u want to remind her she 'd simply apologize and ask you to let the issue behind us. She prefers not to discuss it and prefers that the issue(s) should be ignored.

When I try to get her to talk about it, she 'd say she is through with the issue and doesn't want to go back to it. The truth is that she never makes references to them and if its something you want her to stop doing, she 'd discontinue it.
Is it okay to leave issues/misunderstandings in that way without resolving them? What are the risk of leaving issues unresolved and moving on even if you get the desired response or change?

you are probably writing about this cuz it's sometimes disturbing to be with someone who refuses to talk about issues.

Even if she is over the issue and doesn't want to talk about it, sometimes you aint over the issue and you still need to talk about it, yet she just would not. (i have experienced this type of behaviour)

And you would always have this fear, that even though now she thinks she has forgiven you, maybe she is just storing up all these issues and one day (maybe several years later) she might just dig up all of them for you, and label them 'things she has been tolerating from you', and this fear mostly always turns out to be true.

I advice you to talk to your fiancee about the need for couples to completely discuss every issue until BOTH parties feel that the matter has been adequately dealt with.

Maybe i should come swap my babe with yours. Be thankful man. You sure havent met a lady who doesnt believe she's wrong, and so will argue everything with you. Be very thankful,its an attribute not a flaw to listen and take to corrections.

Your fiancee's attitude towards conflict is not sustainable. Constructive conflict resolution is an essential part of building a strong relationship. Sweeping things under the rug is like building a house on rubble. Soon enough, the house will start to wobble and trouble will start. I think it's important that you get your wife to politely talk through issues with you. In fact, the fact that she refuses to talk about previous issues means that she is NOT completely over them. I don't know the full context of your relationship but this might be a red flag.

breathing:

you are probably writing about this cuz it's sometimes disturbing to be with someone who refuses to talk about issues.

Even if she is over the issue and doesn't want to talk about it, sometimes you aint over the issue and you still need to talk about it, yet she just would not. (i have experienced this type of behaviour)

And you would always have this fear, that even though now she thinks she has forgiven you, maybe she is just storing up all these issues and one day (maybe several years later) she might just dig up all of them for you, and label them 'things she has been tolerating from you', and this fear mostly always turns out to be true.

I advice you to talk to your fiancee about the need for couples to completely discuss every issue until BOTH parties feel that the matter has been adequately dealt with.

You are right on point. You know what my fears are exactly. I will talk to her about it. Thank you

Royal Roy: Maybe i should come swap my babe with yours. Be thankful man. You sure havent met a lady who doesnt believe she's wrong, and so will argue everything with you. Be very thankful,its an attribute not a flaw to listen and take to corrections.

@ Royal Roy
I appreciate her so much. I am not just comfortable with leaving issues unresolved and moving on. I just want us to talk things over and resolve them much more later so that no one 'd be hurt but she 'd not be willing to discuss them.

moremi2008: Your fiancee's attitude towards conflict is not sustainable. Constructive conflict resolution is an essential part of building a strong relationship. Sweeping things under the rug is like building a house on rubble. Soon enough, the house will start to wobble and trouble will start. I think it's important that you get your wife to politely talk through issues with you. In fact, the fact that she refuses to talk about previous issues means that she is NOT completely over them. I don't know the full context of your relationship but this might be a red flag.

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate.

@ moremi 2008,i agree wit u...

odeexpress: I need advice from experienced Nairalanders on an issue bothering me.

I hardly quarrel or have misunderstanding with my fiancee but once in a while when we do or when she gets upset, she decides to keep quiet and no matter what I say, she would just keep quiet. At the worst, she cries when I react to something she did wrong.

What is of concern to me is the fact that a few hours later after a misunderstanding, when she calls or I call her, she 'd act normal as though nothing had happened. When u want to remind her she 'd simply apologize and ask you to let the issue behind us. She prefers not to discuss it and prefers that the issue(s) should be ignored.

When I try to get her to talk about it, she 'd say she is through with the issue and doesn't want to go back to it. The truth is that she never makes references to them and if its something you want her to stop doing, she 'd discontinue it.
Is it okay to leave issues/misunderstandings in that way without resolving them? What are the risk of leaving issues unresolved and moving on even if you get the desired response or change?

You are not compatible with her. You have serious communication issue so it would be foolhardy of you wallpaper over this major crack in the wall.

I wholeheartedly agree with Breathing and Moremi's train of thought too.

@op as much your woman has an enviable character, bottling up issues isn't really the best especially when you are the cause of the problem(s). True she may be the type that easily forgives and moves on like nothing has happened but don't be suprised that a day will come you guys will have a huge misunderstanding and out of no where she will start bringing up supposedly past and buried issues.
Just try and talk to her about your desire to see you guys talk about misunderstandings when they arise. Communication is one of the basic keys to a successful union. Goodluck.

Busy_body:


You are not compatible with her. You have serious communication issue so it would be foolhardy of you wallpaper over this major crack in the wall.

I wholeheartedly agree with Breathing and Moremi's train of thought too.

Its not a compatibility issue and I guess you were quick to conclude that we have a serious communication issue. What I complained is her unwillingness to discuss some issues not a communication issue. We communicate well only that she feels once an issue is gone past we should let it go

PrettyCindy: @op as much your woman has an enviable character, bottling up issues isn't really the best especially when you are the cause of the problem(s). True she may be the type that easily forgives and moves on like nothing has happened but don't be suprised that a day will come you guys will have a huge misunderstanding and out of no where she will start bringing up supposedly past and buried issues.
Just try and talk to her about your desire to see you guys talk about misunderstandings when they arise. Communication is one of the basic keys to a successful union. Goodluck.

Thank you so much. I have discussed it with her already.

@Poster, you have a fiancee with very unique character. You cant afford to lose her.

odeexpress:

Its not a compatibility issue and I guess you were quick to conclude that we have a serious communication issue. What I complained is her unwillingness to discuss some issues not a communication issue. We communicate well only that she feels once an issue is gone past we should let it go

If you are compatible with her and everything was hunkydory in your relationship, you would not be here. It is not as if she does not get upset which would have been a different ballgame, but she does, its just that she puts her foot down and refuses to discuss it. And you that is supposed to assume the role of the man is left floundering and flailing and pleading with her to say something, when the reverse should be the case.

Stonewalling is unhealthy and disrespectful in a relationship and could be a sign of major underlying childhood issues or past relationship that you are not equipped to deal with. So like Moremi said this is not an issue that can be swept under the carpet.

Well said BB. I was woNdering why others didn't see anything wrong with her character.

OP,

Ur fiancee doesn't like confrontation. She prefers to sweep things under d carpet. I personally can't stand such attitude. She has a major character flaw that needs to be addressed. Or could be that she's just putting up the attitude till you walk down d aisle before she starts displaying her true nature.

Like BB said, d attitude is disrespectful.

odeexpress: I need advice from experienced Nairalanders on an issue bothering me.
What are the risk of leaving issues unresolved and moving on even if you get the desired response or change?

The only/major consequence of sweeping issues under the rug is that there's a possibility of the problem repeating itself. . .
but, since that is not her plight, I see no reason to be bothered.

Tgirl4real: Well said BB. I was woNdering why others didn't see anything wrong with her character.

OP,

Ur fiancee doesn't like confrontation. She prefers to sweep things under d carpet. I personally can't stand such attitude. She has a major character flaw that needs to be addressed. Or could be that she's just putting up the attitude till you walk down d aisle before she starts displaying her true nature.

Like BB said, d attitude is disrespectful.

It is fine if the girl is always wrong and wants to take to corrections without having the guy rub it in, [b]but what happens in the instance that the OP was in the wrong? Does she still shoulder the whole blame and then keep quiet about it?

.