Some of these jokes i believe might have been posted here before now, but since i can't go through all the threads forgive me if they are repetitions. enjoy,

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.


In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.
"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"
"Right."
"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"
"Er, right."
"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"
"Again you're right."
"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children
of Israel were always doing something important, right?"
"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"
"What were all the grown-ups doing?"


Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals.
The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if
they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the
forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all
three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any _expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in, but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire,
and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially,
"There, little lady, that's done!"
"Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

A community orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player.
Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

That is sure a funny collection of joke.Weldone

A man walked into the local hospital to get medications for his cold.After he had been attended to, he asked the attending nurse if he could use the toilet.She apologised that the "Gents" section of the lavatory was out of order and that he could use the "Ladies" but on one condition, that he must not touch anything. The man consented and went ahead to use the toilet. After flushing, he noticed that three buttons where on the wall colored differently and labelled likewise. To satisfy his curiosity, he pressed the first button labelled "PWD" and a fragrant puff of powder swelled up at him. Pressing the next button labelled "SPR" sent a spray of lovely deodorant up his body. He now got excited and guessed he now knew why ladies take a long while in the toilet! He pressed the third button labelled "TAM" and suddenly he passed out.

On waking up, he found himself in an hospital bed wearing surgical clothing.The nurse approached him and scolded him: ", Did'nt i tell you not to touch anything?! You pressed the "remove TAMpoons" button, your penis is in the jar beside you."

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ile ise ni yen,wahala don sele

Thanks Mellow, here are other ones

It was then the first time people were going for blood tests and Chinoz had a friend who had gone for one at a local clinic in Fio. Chinoz came and found him crying hell and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The friend replied, "I came here for a blood test"
Chinoz asked, " So? Are you afraid?"
The friend replied, "No, not that. During the blood test they cut my finger".
Hearing this Chinoz also started crying & screaming.
His friend was astonished and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
Chinoz then replied, "I have come for my urine test."

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".

What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress

Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Everytime"
Wife replies," No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever!!!"

Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.

Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got heart attack & our driver ran away.

Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.

Women asked man who is traveling with six children, all these kids are
yours??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.

Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. What about yours?
1st: Forget mine. Let's find yours!!

Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, I'm confident. Your friend also my son,
that's confidential!

Mother to her teenage daughter: I think this is the right time we
should talk about sex.
Daughter (Excitingly): Sure mom, tell me what do you want to know.
Mother Faints,

Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready for the celebrations. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Not familiar with the lake, a fisherman's wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?""You're in a Restricted Fishing Area"."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment.For all I know you could start at any moment.I'll have to take you in and write you up.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," she says."But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start any moment"Have a nice day ma'am" & he leaves,

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A body builder picks up a blonde at a bar and takes her home with him.
He takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a great chest you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, "What massive calves you have."
The body builder tells her, "That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby."
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, "I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was."

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal. Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married. On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, which explains why her vagina is so big. They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just HOW far across the field were you before you noticed?"