I couldn't help laughing after reading this article by one of my Facebook friends. It highlights those things that make Lagos the unique place that we know it to be.

So folks, enjoy.

Eko O’ni baje o!




DISCLAIMER: Statements or remarks expressed in this article were not intended to suggest a glorification or promotion of cybercrime, deviant social behaviour, alcohol/ drug abuse, etc.

Also, connotation of prejudice towards any gender, religion, sectarian or ethnic group, government institution, etc, is unintended.


“LAGOS 101”
Living in Lagos - the commercial nerve centre of Nigeria - is akin to an adventure.

Life in Lagos exposes one to a substantial dose of drama, humour, outrage, hysteria, exasperation, fear, disgust, suspicion, apathy, disdain, etc.

Daily activities, in Lagos, are executed with so much frenzy. Movement - human and vehicular - is at a breakneck pace. Everyone appears to be in a mad haste to get to some destination.

In Lagos, every transport resource is oversubscribed.

Laws and its enforcers are so easily disregarded or compromised.

Efforts at maintaining sanity in Lagos come at a huge task.

Despite the daily rigours, acrobatics, antics, schemes, skirmish and competition for the extremely limited and oversubscribed resources, “Eko” still remains the destination of choice by green pasture-seekers. Daily, they throng in large numbers from other States, into the “Centre of Excellence” to partake in the rat race.

This article is an attempt, albeit humorous and satirical, to capture and showcase a catalogue of some signature characteristics that make us love Lagos…or loathe it! Enjoy..


“LAGOS 101”: [Identifying key social intrigues, attributes and infrastructural landmarks that are uniquely Lagos]

• You are held up in traffic for as much as 4 hours! -- [for a journey that ought not to have lasted more than
20 minutes].

• You get dizzy just by watching the fast-paced flurry of human and vehicular activities. -- [everyone appears
to be in a mad haste to get to some destination].

• While driving, you suddenly realize that you’ve been over-speeding. [-- even when you’re not under time
pressure to get to your destination].

• You set out early in the morning, armed with a lengthy “To Do” list – only to return home late at night unable
to accomplish more than two items on the list.-- [ no thanks to the infamous Lagos traffic!].

• While driving, you find yourself ceaselessly honking your car horn for one of the three (3) reasons listed
below:
(i.) to stay alive
(ii.) to keep someone else alive
(iii.) you just can’t figure out why – as it has become a habit you’ve gotten accustomed to.

• You board a commercial motorcycle (Okada) only to realize, too late, that the rider is a psychotic with a
death wish, or he is under the influence of the local gin - “paraga” or “sepe”.

• At night time, commodities are displayed on the ground at roadside and illuminated with lanterns or candles
and sold at half the normal prices. -- [presenting one with an excellent opportunity to purchase expired or
counterfeit products].

• Every newspaper-stand (usually at bus-stops) reminds you of “Patito’s Gang”. -- [ they offer you a platform
for social, political and sport analysis and discourse].

• While driving, you suddenly find yourself hollering a swear-word, a curse or some expletives you never
realized you knew at an offending co-motorist.

• When its rains – be rest assured, you‘ll be stuck in traffic -- [for hours!].

• While driving, you experience a near heart-stopping moment, when you narrowly escaped knocking down a stunt-
pulling dare-devil Okada-rider who emerged, suddenly, from your blindside. [WARNING: Knock one of them down;
then prepare for an assault on you by other members of the globally renowned fraternity of bikers!]

• You become a second-hand user (inhaler) of the openly-abused recreational drug - marijuana, after you
unconsciously inhaled some at street corners, motor parks, bus-stops, concert venues, clubs, beach resorts, etc

• In traffic, you find yourself deliberately avoiding making eye-contact with fellow motorists so as not to be
asked for a traffic favour

• You discover that windows and boots of commercial vehicles are also excellent means for gaining entrance into
them during rush hours.

• It occurs to you that “Agberos” (bus-stop touts) must be very literate. They can “write” on the body (chassis)
of commercial buses all day long – using coloured markers.

• You find yourself wondering whose bright idea it was to tag the city - “Centre of Aquatic Splendour”.

• You discover that road signs indicating “One-Way Traffic” doesn’t necessarily mean it should be taken
seriously.

• While stuck in traffic, hawkers and peddlers try to interest you in all imaginable household commodities -
-from the essential to the outrightly ridiculous -- [e.g. machetes, mortar and pestles, human poison
(disguised as rat-killers), thongs and boxers, raw beef, plantain chips in diverse packaging, expired “Gala”,
large-size hair dryers, Rambo-type jagged-edge knives, bootleg CDs and DVDs, pork, livestock, satellite TV
receiver, books on esoteric subjects, horse whips, bamboos, toilet cistern accessories, etc]

• In commercial buses, to advertise and sell pharmaceutical and herbal medicinal products, you must precede
it with some religious activity. -- [e.g. preaching, prayer session or a rendition of “praise and worship”
gospel songs, etc].

• Deviant street characters - otherwise known as “Area boys” - exhibit a peculiar husky and intimidating voice
-- [believe to be a consequence of over-indulgence in the recreational drug - marijuana].

• You find commercial bus conductors canvassing for patronage or advertising their intending destinations by
shouting as much as eight ( bus-stop locations - - in a single breath!

• Beaches abound. They make good locations for romantic rendezvous, collecting seashells, scuba-diving, sea
surfing, picnics, reunions, suntan (and “sunburn”) and for smoking “marijuana”.

• You keep noticing a crowd of people, on the street, gathered around a TV set and watching with so much
intensity. -- [out of curiosity - you inch close to catch a glimpse of what they are watching – only to
discover its either “Wrestlemania 13” , a Fuji act doing his thing; or a Nollywood flick (usually of the
Yoruba genre)].

• The standing position - as opposed to the sitting position – for some weird reason, is the preferred position
by danfo (mini-commercial bus) conductors for controlling activities WITHIN and outside their buses

• You discover that road traffic rules do not apply to the following groups:
(i) The Police (ii.) The Army (iii.) Government convoy (iv.) EMPTY bullion vehicles (v.) Commercial
motorcyclists (Okada riders) (vii.) Commercial buses with the presence of a “staff”. P.S: Staff” is a
collective name for any member of the of the Nigeria Police force, Army, Man’O’War, LASTMA, NURTW, Boy’s
Scout, etc.

• S.W. Ikoyi (South West Ikoyi) is the only part of the State that is officially described by its cardinal point
location

• You discover that hawkers, peddlers, beggars, pedestrians and motorists all have equal right to the use of
tarred main roads and expressways -- [originally meant for only motorized vehicles].

• While boarding a commercial bus, you instantly discover the musical preference of the bus drivers and their
conductors when you come across stickers or pictures of popular Fuji artistes pasted on the chassis,
windshields and upholstery of their vehicles.

• Before boarding a commercial bus, you find yourself considering or declining an offer by the bus conductor to
occupy the last remaining seat in the bus – otherwise known as “One Chance”.

• You discover that the best places to build a residential building are usually in or around an “industrial
estate”.

• A baby’s first words are usually -- UP NEPA! -- [ it is also the favourite words of domesticated parrots].

• “Chewing-stick” is the preferred and adopted method of maintaining good dental hygiene by deviant street
characters (Area-boys).

• You discover that the massive population of transporters comprising commercial bus drivers, bus conductors,
Okada-riders, “Keke Marwa” riders, bus-stop touts (“Agberos”), etc all boasts of perfect “20:20 vision” --
[you never get to find any of them wearing medically recommended eye-glasses!].

• You discover that boarding “Molues” affords you the rare opportunity to find or buy “NAFDAC endorsed” drugs
and concoctions with potency for all manner of sicknesses and diseases -- [from Common cold to Cancer!].

• You find out the hard way that Third Mainland bridge - a bridge reputed to be one of the longest in Africa -
is the worst location to experience a vehicle break-down or have a flat tyre -- [ aside from the risk of
getting run over by extremely fast-moving vehicles – it is quite common to fall victim to muggers, armed
bandits, “area boys”, etc on this bridge who prey on stranded motorists – usually after offering some form of
assistance in reviving their broken down vehicles].

• You flag down a taxi-cab. You inform the cab driver of your intended destination within the city. He then
responds by slamming you with a fare that is sufficient enough to transport you to Accra, Ghana.

• You’re confused about which is more in abundance in the atmosphere here - Oxygen or dust.

• “Yels” ( a corruption of the word “yes”) is what you’re likely to hear from a modestly literate resident in
response to a question, or to confirm that something is true or correct (an affirmation).

• You are often approached on the street by a neatly dressed chap who then renders a rehearsed autobiography
that includes his academic accomplishments, family history, health and marital status and then finally ends up
with a request for N200 for transport fare -- [typically to a job recruitment venue].

• You notice that pedestrian bridges are only city beautification landmarks. -- [pedestrians openly exhibit
their “death wishes” by consciously opting to cross extremely busy and dangerous expressways even with the
conspicuous presence of pedestrian bridges].

• You get wary of strangers on the street that beckon for your attention -- [for fear or suspicion of a request
by them for a financial favour]

• You acquire a piece of land from a land-owner and you discover a few days afterwards that you have co-owners

• You spend a whooping 30 days out of the 365 days in a year stuck in traffic!
[Approximately one (1) month is the total amount of time an average Lagosian spends in traffic in a single
year. The Maths? Try using an average of 3 hours spent in traffic per day, multiplied by the total number of
working days in a year. Three (3) hours being a conservative figure especially when compared to the longer
hours spent in traffic by Lagos residents living in the suburbs like Ikotun, Igando, Agbado Ijaiye, Ikorodu,
Badagry, etc and commuting far distances, daily, to their places of work situated in areas such as Victoria
Island, Lekki, Ikoyi, Ajah, etc. These latter set of residents spend as much as TWO (2) months and some
fractions being stuck in traffic –in a single year!]

• It is home to two airports: An ultra-modern local (domestic) airport and an “ultra-ancient” international
airport.

• You get engaged in a fight by a stranger over the right to sit in the window-side position of the front seat
in a commercial bus

• Tuning in to any of the several radio stations, you’re overwhelmed by the pathetic attempt by the On-Air-
Personality to communicate in either the American or British accent. --- [ sometimes a strange combination of
both].

• While stuck in traffic, you are approached by a street peddler who tries to sell to you a “Rolex” at the cost
of N15, 000! -- [ further haggling, especially when the traffic gets in motion, earns you the same “Rolex” at
N650!]

• You find yourself exercising extra-caution when boarding commercial buses (danfos) with more male than female
passenger presence -- [for fear of being kidnapped and offered as a sacrifice unto some wealth-giving god].

• You are joined in “matrimony” (in an exercise known as “marrying”) to a co-passenger in a commercial bus – as
a consequence of your inability to come up with the exact fare that doesn’t require you getting a change. [The
officiating minister? -- The Bus Conductor!].

• It is home to Festac town, reputed to be one of the most expansive residential estates in Africa -- [ Festac
town is equally popular for breeding creatives such as musical artistes, Nollywood movie stars, footballers
and “Internet millionaires”].

• Street names in Victoria Island – a high-brow Island location – are usually a mouthful! [Victoria Island, a
once wholly residential area but now almost taken up by commercial/business endeavours, have street names that
are a combination of the first, last and/or middle names and, in some instances, titles and designations of
the personalities whom they are named after e.g. “Elsie Femi Pearse street”; “ Kehinde Modupe Oshikoya
street”; “Ozumba Mbadiwe avenue”; BISHOP Aboyade Cole street”; “ Adeyemo Alakija street”, etc]

• You observe that the outfits of deviant street characters (“Area boys”) are never complete without a
large-size handkerchief -- [ usually draped around their necks or tucked half-way into the rear pockets of
their jeans].

• It boasts of enough perfect locations to shoot sequels of the hit movie Slum Dog Millionaire!

• You’re stopped on the street, harassed and eventually subjected to a frisk by the police --- in an exercise
known as “stop and search”. Your offence?

(i.) You have in your possession a laptop computer-carrying bag
(ii.) You’re dressed in a particular manner believed to be the dress-code of “Yahoo Yahoo” boys
(iii.) You live in Festac, so you must be an Internet scammer!
(iv.) At 35, you’re too young to own a “tokunboh” Toyota car

(v.) You’re corporately dressed (in suit) suggesting that you must be coming or going to the American Embassy –
and by extension, you must be in possession of forged or doctored documents such as “Oluwoled” statement of
bank account or international passport.

• You just wonder which is more popular: “Agege” - the Local Government Area; or “Agege” - the bread.

• [For those with Yoruba language-speaking deficiencies] You’re engaged in a discussion by a stranger in the
predominant ethnic language – Yoruba. He/she goes on and on, until you discover an opportunity to interject
with the only memorized expression in Yoruba that you know - -- “Mo gbo Yoruba” [Translated: “I don’t
understand a word of all you’ve being saying for the past half an hour!].

• Five Naira (N5) note is better known as “Kala”

• Ten Naira (N10) note is better known as “Fiber”

• Twenty Naira (N20) note is better known as “Shandy”

• Fifty Naira (N50) note is better known as “Wazo”

• Hundred Naira (N100) note is better known as “Ten fiber”

• You are emotionally blackmailed when a teenager jumps in front of your stationary vehicle in a traffic hold-up
and then embarks on an unsolicited windshield cleaning exercise -- [ you eventually part ways with some cash
more to satisfy the expectations of watching co-motorist, pedestrians, traffic officers, etc --- than out of
charity!]

• Outside China, it is arguably the biggest market for medicinal herbal solutions -- [especially herbal
concoctions that are mixed or dissolved in alcoholic solutions]

• You lose count of colours use for uniform by the different road traffic law enforcement agencies. -- [leaving
you wondering why the State is not recorded in the Guinness Book Of World Records as the geographical location
with the most number of traffic law enforcement agencies].

• The tyres and steering wheels of “Molues” always appear not to be in unity or in agreement. -- [“Molues” are
an unpopular mass transport means that are notorious for its offering of a substantial dose of drama, comedy,
commerce, religious activities, pocket-picking opportunities, civil wars, sexual harassment, etc amongst its
multitude of disenchanted patrons].

• Ikoyi - a high-brow area - is a perfect school excursion destination to learn about Nigeria’s colonial
history! --[In Ikoyi, it is common to find streets/roads named after chief actors during Nigeria’s colonial
era e.g. Brown road, Osborne road, Bourdillon street, McPherson street, Gerald street, Webbs street, Reeve
street, Warring street, Bell avenue, MacDonald street, Lugard road, Glover road, etc].

• Then, you try to imagine what the LIFE EXPECTANCY of an average Lagos resident is.


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