Hi all,

I need some advice people. I've gone through a bit of nairaland and I think the family section is the best to post this.

Started a committed relationship with my babe late 2010 and it was same year I had the opportunity to go abroad for further studies and based on we being friends for years and knowing each other to well (morals,spiritual,career,social...ok). I made up my mind she was the one I was going to marry and she also consented to that idea. Throughout my one year study in the US, I came to Nigeria. During one of the visits, I got to meet her parents and from there the rapport has been okay. They at times call up just to check on my welfare and all that. She's been understanding all the while and I give kudos to her.

She started bugging me about getting married late last year and I sat her down to explain to her that at the moment there is no job and that I'm looking to come back to Nigeria at the end of 2012, get a job and settle down with the intention of getting married around late 2013 or early 2014 all things being equal. Though she didn't want to hear 2013 and not to talk of 2014 but I had to lay my cards bare and all that, buh since then she bugs me every weekend about wedding and more-so if any of her friends gets married that weekend I'm sure going to be in hell all through to the extent that at times I pretend my BB is faulty or some cooked-up excuses like that.

There's been some friction these past few days, one of her friends is getting married this weekend, though I've told her earlier that she should spare me that question ( "When are we getting married" ) this weekend, but surprisingly I just got an sms from her popsie all the way from Nigeria asking me when do I intend to wed and that the answer should be between me and him. She's very close with her pops and I'm thinking this must have passed between them.

I really love her and wouldn't want to loose her but looking at things on ground I can't afford to go into a marriage without having some steady source of income and wouldn't want to stoop low to the point of asking peeps to fund MY own wedding.

I'm beginning to have some kind of insinuations cos it seems her family assumes we are kinda rich on our own side considering they know about all my moves coming in and out of Nigeria, my parents coming over for grad and all that. (I just hope my insinuations are wrong cos that's not true).

Now I'm at a crossroad as regards my answer to her popsie cos there has been two or three instances where their family friends have contacted her parents to seek her hands in marriage for their sons. And coming to Nigeria soonest doesn't seem feasible.

The SMS was kinda surprising and as such I don't even know what to tell the man sef OR how to reply him and the longer I don't get to reply his message I guess he'll have to give me a call which I don't want to happen.

Kindly help me wiv your opinions please.


NB. Will be around for further clarifications if need be. Thanks.



ToRiAdE

Tell him what you told his daughter but get ready to loose her if you do not make an honest woman of her soon

Ask her if she is fine with a simple court wedding for now

There are many ways of getting married in Nigeria without spending up to 100k depend on the plan with your spouse.

After wedding people expect her to get pregnant and probably have the baby in the US where you reside maybe your wife to be is having that vision also

Trouble will come if you can't meet up with their expectation.

The only way out is to open up to the father and resolve it in a manly way

Dont hide the truth from the father because nobody will like to have liar as son in-law they might use that as excuse against you in future.

Be honest with your father in law (to be), the same way you are with your girlfriend. You seem to be enjoying a nice relationship with her and her family so keep being yourself. I might even advice you explain your reasons to him, because they seem "responsible" and realistic, which he might understand, however only you know if that would be a good idea.

Another question though, how old is your girlfriend ? You might have to review your plans depending on her age, or start talking about low key ceremony with her...

OYINBOGOJU: There are many ways of getting married in Nigeria without spending up to 100k depend on the plan with your spouse.

After wedding people expect her to get pregnant and probably have the baby in the US where you reside maybe your wife to be is having that vision also

Trouble will come if you can't meet up with their expectation.

The only way out is to open up to the father and resolve it in a manly way

Dont hide the truth from the father because nobody will like to have liar as son in-law they might use that as excuse against you in future.

U said it all.

Thanks peeps. Sure I can count on you guys!!

What if the man did not send that SMS?

Explain to the popsie all that you have said here.

Dont and I repeat dont be forced into changing your plans or bow to pressure from any angle. You are the man and you know when you will be financially & mentally capable and mature enough to be a good husband. you are the one marrying her and as soon as that ring goes on her finger, the responsibility as the man of the house lies on you and you alone and no one is going to help you to carry that load.

The same woman who is giving you grief every week because her friends are getting married will give you even more grief if you get married and cannot provide basic amenities for her or if she is the really unrealistic type and she starts comparing you with her friends husbands then your life will be hell.

I believe that a shorter but fulfilled and happy marriage is much better than a longer but unhappy marriage and a year to 18 months wait is not the end of the world so long as you keep on reassuring her and are true to her. The only thing that will cause katakata is if she waits for that long and then you ditch her with some silly excuse All said and done, if she is yours she will be yours and if she is not, then she will go with another suitor.

chaircover: Explain to the popsie all that you have said here.

Dont and I repeat dont be forced into changing your plans or bow to pressure from any angle. You are the man and you know when you will be financially & mentally capable and mature enough to be a good husband. you are the one marrying her and as soon as that ring goes on her finger, the responsibility as the man of the house lies on you and you alone and no one is going to help you to carry that load.

The same woman who is giving you grief every week because her friends are getting married will give you even more grief if you get married and cannot provide basic amenities for her or if she is the really unrealistic type and she starts comparing you with her friends husbands then your life will be hell.

I believe that a shorter but fulfilled and happy marriage is much better than a longer but unhappy marriage and a year to 18 months wait is not the end of the world so long as you keep on reassuring her and are true to her. The only thing that will cause katakata is if she waits for that long and then you ditch her with some silly excuse All said and done, if she is yours she will be yours and if she is not, then she will go with another suitor.

No truer words spoken...ever!!!

chaircover: Explain to the popsie all that you have said here.

Dont and I repeat dont be forced into changing your plans or bow to pressure from any angle. You are the man and you know when you will be financially & mentally capable and mature enough to be a good husband. you are the one marrying her and as soon as that ring goes on her finger, the responsibility as the man of the house lies on you and you alone and no one is going to help you to carry that load.

The same woman who is giving you grief every week because her friends are getting married will give you even more grief if you get married and cannot provide basic amenities for her or if she is the really unrealistic type and she starts comparing you with her friends husbands then your life will be hell.

I believe that a shorter but fulfilled and happy marriage is much better than a longer but unhappy marriage and a year to 18 months wait is not the end of the world so long as you keep on reassuring her and are true to her. The only thing that will cause katakata is if she waits for that long and then you ditch her with some silly excuse All said and done, if she is yours she will be yours and if she is not, then she will go with another suitor.

GBAMMEST!!!! if your babe cannot understand, then too bad for her, that is how they rush into marraige without using their heads. she thinks is all about, wearing the dress and looking all pretty....if she cannot wait for a reasonable man, then i repeat again ""too bad for her"..do not yield to pressure, if you love yourself.

I think that this father-in-law to be overstepped his boundary in sending you that text. It is parents like that that pressure their children into running away with just anybody so that they can be married like everybody else. You don't owe him an explanation biko, I have never seen where a man goes to ask his daughter's bf when he wants to get married to his daughter. Who you owe an explanation is his daughter. If you plan to settle down late 2013----explain to her and tell her your reasons. If she wants to wait for you she can wait, if she doesn't want to wait for you----she can choose somebody else from the other suitors coming for her.

As for her father----
When I read this thread yesterday, I had in mind that the right answer for him should be an honest "I am not ready now" but hadn't the time to post then. Now that I have given it a little thought I am thinking that you should ignore that message and call his daughter and explain things to her that way he should get the message that he overstepped his boundary, what he did is never done. Sending you a text to ask you that question is an embarrassing thing and if he is not careful he can drive away suitors for his daughter thru such. If persons in their neighbourhood are getting married, they shouldn't gang up on you because they must get married as others got married.

Did he ask you for the date of the wedding too and the date you are going to have your first and second child? A man you never asked for his daughter's hand in marriage. I think that the daughter is also overdoing it harassing you like that. A smart lady looks at her relationship with keen eyes to see where it is heading and if it isn't heading where she wants from all indications she can use her head and be open to meeting other people.

A man on the other hand shouldn't waste time for a lady if he knows that he isn't ready for her. Tell her the way it is in all honesty, don't deceive her into waiting and wasting her time. If you are sure you want a family with her, talk her into waiting for you and if she doesn't want to----she sure knows what to do.

I second what chaircover said. But like Jenny said, has it occured to your that "someone" else could have used the man's phone to send that sms? Women are more desperate than men. I won't be suprised if you come back here with a post saying your girlfriend admitted to using her dad's phone to send that message thereby making it look like its her dad.
Anyway i would suggest you don't reply that message so you won't end up roping yourself.