You're being incredibly naive. For all you know, this may could have a wife in Greece or in Nigeria. It sounds like you are settling for this long distance man by default. You're not there to really know the type of person he is. Please listen to what the previous posters are saying. If you take your daughter to another country, you will uproot her and there's a chance you may not even get along with your long distance boyfriend. If you're still sure this is it, why not go visit him (leave your daughter with a trusted family member) to get to know him. The other concern here is you want to make sure he's someone you can trust with your daughter as well. Also have you been to Nigeria before? If you have some good Nigerian friends, why not go visit Nigeria?

What is marriage? Marriage is an agreement between a man and a woman. Until recent times, african marriage didn't have anything to do with church, and they lasted. I have met couples who slept together the first day they met, and they are still together to this day. I have also met people who didn't sleep together until they got married, yet are divorced now. Don't believe the hype.

Me:

This is a typical man's response. Any woman who thinks she's married to a man who didn't officially marry her is crazy (i.e. paperwork involved). I think it's healthy for couples to at least wait a few months before sleeping together. Men like to say it doesn't matter, but it really does.

Most of the married people I know were sleeping together before they got married. I think the reason why women fair out worse if they lived together is the man was in no suspense about her. She started performing wifey duties before they got married. When two people are in a relationship and live seperately, there's usually some anticipation about seeing each other again.

Are you for or against living together before marriage? All the couples I know who lived together before marriage are having issues now. What I notice the most is the husband tends to not appreciate his wife and the wife complains a lot about her husband. The couples I am thinking of are Nigerian w/Nigerian, Nigerian w/African-American and African-Americans together. What's your take?

Sometimes when severe beating is too much; it gets to the extent of creating problem later on in the future. Part of its adverse effect reflects on people's shyness, fear of public speaking. This problem has been instilled in you right from the beginning, that it becomes part of you or you. I believe some of the reason why this happen is because this kidz were not given the opportunity to voice out their opinion when they want to.

Me:
Good post! Also some children who were beaten a lot become bullies themselves. As adults, they have hot tempers, which the people closest to them receive the brunt of.

I know Nigerian children who are spanked who are well behaved and others who are some of the baddest kids around. I also know some who aren't spanked at all who are well behaved and vice versa. The bottom line is children will follow by example and there are consequences that don't have to have anything to do with violence. I've heard people say they do it out of love and always have the child's best interests at heart. Honestly, how many parents calmly spank their children without feeling emotions--anger, embarrassment, etc.?

My rule when spanking a child is that: ALWAYS LET THE CHILD KNOW WHAT HE DOES WRONG, AND LET HIM HAVE A SECOND CHANCE BEFORE SPANKING. You don't just hit a child for wrong doing, you must have a way of putting him right. Spanking must be last option.

Me:

It's so common for parents to spank their kids in a rage. What you just mentioned here is reasonable. Of course this applies to children old enough to know right from wrong. A baby can't decipher.

Hi Cenn,

Your husband is too generous. I would have told off that sibling mocking his car! It sounds like he doesn't know how to say no even if it means not meeting his own basic needs like fixing the car.

Anyway, I think at this point, it is time to look into going to counseling with your pastor or a licensed marriage counselor.

Also, it may work out better for the two of you to have one main account for household expenses and two separate accounts for discretionary stuff. All of my stuff with my hubby is joint, but I know women who enjoy having a joint account and a separate one too. They swear by that.

Well, you could start by explaining to him that you are very unhappy--that this is upsetting you a lot. Explain to him the types of financial goals you believe the two of you have and how what he's doing is taking away from that. Try to get this resolved before you have children (or additional children). He's going to have to be the one to standup to his family and he will once he understands as his wife, you are his #1 priority--under God. Understand this--his family is going to turn cold on you when the money dries up. They are used to getting things their way. You may feel excluded at times. They will try to make him feel guilty and he may end up saying, "well, my wife controls our checkbook." So I think this is really about how you feel and what's best for your relationship. It's good your own siblings understand boundaries. One thing that really gets me about people who always get help from their siblings or other family members is there's no long term plan. It's always an emergency phone call. I need money for this, but with no plan to prevent that from happening in the future.

Also try to find room for compromise. Maybe the two of you can look at your budget and agree on a certain amount to help out family. Or you can agree to only help out family a certain number of times per year. Or to only help his mother out. But in any case, it would be good if there are longterm goals versus just giving the relative money. I've seen people give a sibling money even when they know they're being lied to--for example.

N-joy,

I totally agree with you. Adults are punished for hitting each other. If I don't like how someone I supervise is acting, I can't haul off and slap them. If I do, best believe, I'll have charges brought on me. And we know it's wrong for a husband to hit his wife and there are consequences for that. But children, who are really in no position to defend themselves--it's okay to hit, whip or beat them--at least in the mind of the pro-whipping crowd. YOu mentioned abused children think it's okay, which is a problem. I agree.

NaJa,

I agree. This woman's using her culture and Christianity as an excuse for doing something that's wrong. In almost every culture, babies are cherished. They have little control over what they do and like you said a baby doesn't know right from wrong. She's unable to get the "lesson" from being whipped. I'm not understanding where all this rage is coming from her. She's got issues!

I know an Igbo woman who has two children. One is 1 year old and the other is 3 years old. She started whipping her youngest child when she was 6 months old. She says she didn't mean too, but cites religious beliefs and culture to support what she's doing. When her baby was 12 months, she slapped her. That was when I told her I didn't agree with what she was doing. I am against spanking children, but I do understand there are people who do that. What I can never accept is someone spanking a child under 2 and it's usually over the slightest infractions. I'm also against people who literally beat a chlid. So my question is do most Nigerians believe in whipping their children? What's your take on this?

Also what expectations do Nigerian women have about marriage? Are Nigerian men expected to support their wife's parents, siblings and other family members (in addition to his own)? If so, I wonder how that's playing out in the U.S., Canada and Great Britain where the cost of living is higher than in Nigeria.

I'm a Black American woman who's married to a Nigerian man and I'm interested in learning more about Nigerian cultures. On this board, quite a few people have said Nigerian women are either very independent or dependent on men. How is that different from other cultures of women who evaluate men based on how much money they make, their career, etc.? Also how are Nigerian women too independent?

theopops:

Reason 101, why I am against inter-anything marriage. There are some things that just can not be explained. A Nigerian woman, that grew up in Nigeria would understand why her husband's family is spending a year in her house, because that's the way it was for her growing up.

There are enough problems in a marriage already. Having a different culture and trying to understand the culture even makes it more difficult.

I don't think there is a better way to explain this to you. If it is bothering you this much, maybe you want to explain it to your husband. He might not see anything wrong in keeping his sister in your house for two years, in lieu of your family going on that vacation.

All the best.

Inter-cultural marriages take a lot of compromise, but it's worth it when you're with the right person. There is a tendency for people to lean more toward one couple than the other. I do agree with you that if my husband wanted to have for instance his cousin or sister stay with us for 2 years, that would cause a lot of strain. Luckily we've already discussed this. His family comes for Christmas and special occasions. I posed this question because I know Nigerians who always have family passing through or sometimes staying indefinitely. I was just trying to gain more insight. I have noticed Nigerians often don't have the same expectation for Americans as they do fellow Nigerians. Maybe that's why there is some opposition to inter-cultural unions.

iyken:

Most cases,its simply show-off. Why will you accomodate a third party,a relative in an already cramped up apartment with your familly.Sending vibes of well being when not. Now thats pure shenanigan.

hmm. So, some people feel important supporting other relatives.

BlackMamba:

The never ending visits is as a result our traditional attachment to extended family. Even if it's uncomfortable, it's a taboo to give family the impression that they're not welcome anytime to your house. You just hope they're smart enough not to abuse it.

It's been the African tradition to have additional children, often in the quest to have multiple sons. Prevailing economic conditions and education bringing about changes among the younger generation but cultural changes takes time.

Ignorant and selfish folks will continue to have extra kids when it's obvious they can't provide comfortably for the kids. That's why a lot of kids from low income homes in America resort to crime at tender ages.

BlackMamba,

You have given me some insight. Yes, the Nigerians I know do emphasize having sons even if they already have one. The collective mindset is different from the American individualistic one. Most Americans would question how it would affect them. Do we have space for them? How would this affect our finances? Would we still be able to take a vacation this year? Would this be too much of an inconvenience for me? How long are they going to stay? Is this person fairly easy to get along with? Those are some of the questions that would run through my head.

I have simply been trying to understand Nigerians more since I am married to one. As for poor black Americans, most are barely having two or three kids now. Black Americans on average have 2 children--including the poor ones. Poor people in general have more children than richer people, but that's not the case with poor blacks in the U.S. I think it's safe to say black Americans and Nigerians have triumphs and weaknesses in their respective groups.

I totally agree with you. I can understand if someone is down on their luck and will stay there for say 6 months, get their finances together and move out for good. What I can't understand is people who come without a plan just to stay indefinitely or a couple always having visitors over. I am trying to understand how someone could be okay giving up their children's rooms to let siblings, cousins, etc. stay there. I've wondered how Nigerians could be so generous. You make a good point. Maybe people are doing this out of sense of duty--not necessarily because they get along.

BigSis has a point. You are American, so realistically speaking it would be very hard for you to be Nigerian in your mannerisms and ways of doing things. I am Black American too. How you approach your mother really will depend on what your boyfriend is like. What's his attitude about Nigerian culture? Does he eat the food everyday and pretty much follow the culture by the letter or is he very Americanized. If he's really, really into his culture, then it'll be a good idea for you to take the suggestions of people telling you to do stuff like kneel. If he's very supportive of you and is Americanized, approach his mother the same way you would if he were American--respectful - smile and give her a hug. One thing I have noticed is Nigerian women make a big, big deal over whether or not you know how to cook the food. I think that would matter more to them than whether or not you kneel. Since you're going to Nigeria, even if your boyfriend doesn't eat Nigerian food, try to learn at least one dish.

I forgot to mention the other family members such as cousins and siblings who'll stay for months (or longer).

Hi,

I'm a black American woman who is married to a Nigerian man. I know some Nigerians who always have relatives visiting for months on end. For instance, the wife's parents may visit for a few months. An aunt may come stay for a month. The children of the couple will share rooms to accomodate. And everyone seems happy. But are they really? I guess from an American point-of-view, I'm thinking about the financial strain it must put on the couple, along with the children not really having their own rooms. I'm also curious about why some Nigerians who are already in a tight living situation want to have additional children. Am I missing something here or is this just certain Nigerians?