When Shehu Yaradua, Babangida, Abacha et al were plundering the nation's resources we did not hear a word from Sanusi. He should explain to us where, how and what they did with all that money. They have refused to invest in their people or local infrastructure to create jobs and better their fellow northerners. All we here from these freeloaders are excuses, excuses and more excuses to deflect their entrenched aversion to improving themselves,

Akpabio has refused to pay his primary school teachers for 2 months, maybe that is the free education you are talking about.

Wow, recycled pictures of Le Meridian Uyo, the road to the hotel and an uncompleted bridge are the sum total of grand strides in infrastructure development in Akwaibom! I can;t even believe my eyes. Anybody who knows anything about the guy knows that he buys accolades, Phds, awards, you name it. There should be no surprise that this was just poor attempt at oiling his propaganda machine to cover up for the complete mess he has created in Akwaibom,

Akpabio is a general purpose sycophant with mouth diarrhea. If boko haram could benefit Akpabio in any form, he would be all over the press praising them to the rafters. Take whatever he says with a pinch of salt,

@Beetle

She didn't have a job in Naija, which is why she tried for the postgraduate degree here. I understand that things are expensive, but God has been faithful in keeping us afloat. - please see my other posts in this regard.

About the infertility, my intention was not to lay blame on her, if it has come out the wrong way I apologise unreservedly. I understand that it is our problem, which is why I have protected her from any pressure and reassured her that it will come. How can I be rejoicing that we don't have a child? Why then would I be trying to have kids with her, what would be the purpose? When things like this happen you have to look for the silver lining. If we decide to go our separate ways, is it not better that there are no kids to suffer a broken home because of our inability to live peacefully together. Perhaps, infertility is the underling problem. Please could you kindly send me that link, thanks.

(PS - I'm in office mode so my writing is a bit abrupt - apologies in advance)

Thanks for the posts. I had to run to south London to meet with a friend and eat some egusi & poundo. It was also good to hang out and he regaled me with his own marriage issues too, some were funny and others quite astonishing. He is not speaking terms with his MIL! His general gist was that it's a control thing and that the London wives know the laws are on their side, so they take every advantage. Even then he was shocked at her behaviour. He said from a pure naija perspective he is convinced she has no respect for me and that I'm finished - how disheartening.

@N101
I really didn't see this coming, She had a bit of a temper but it didn't manifest in this manner. This never happened when we were dating. Could it be that she hiding her true self during the dating period?

@Ivynwa
I don't talking works with her - we have talked many times too and things have not changed. She is big on God and church, she has religious marriage CDs, listens to religious internet links etc. This is what confuses me the most. It really muddles the water for me because I would have thought that these things would help, maybe I'm naive. I don't know if conceiving is playing a part in it. For me, I have made every effort not to make her feel pressured and to protect her from both sides of the family. I do my best to reassure her that it will come in good time and not to worry too much. As for infuriating her, I don't think there is anything I have to do in particular before she flies off the handle.

@Outstrip
I'm not claiming to be blameless. But what do you do when someone is coming at you with an object to hit you. Put you hands by your side and plead please don't hit me?  For me it's hard to slap her no matter the gragra because of the feelings and the fact that she is still my wife. Worse still, how would I keep my mouth to explain it to her people or mine. Unfortunately she doesn't think this way which makes me question if there are any feelings or consideration on her side.

@jennykadry
I concur, that no amount of professional help can salvage the situation, this is fully down to her now.


I have firmly made up my mind - this will not happen again. Soon this madness will begin to affect my work, the very thing that keeps us both going. Not to speak of the damage to my health with all the thinking and stress.

@Funkybaby

I've tried the ignoring tactic but it doesn't work. It generally gets worse. We can stay in the house weeks without talking to each other - seriously.

@funkybaby

We've been trying for the kids but she has had some problems - I can't really go into details.
Maybe all this things happening or about to happen are the reasons why God has not granted us kids - just maybe

@Sisi_Kill

I am really at the crossroads now. I really don't know. One part of me wants to keep trying and hoping things get better while common sense says to leave the woman. But if I go back what will really change. Has she not been spoken to by her people before. I guess the only difference now is that my people are now involved. Will this be any different - I'm not sure. Her people have told me to be patient and not to do anything yet until someone can come to London in a couple of weeks. See all this drama! She is a spoiled child no doubt.

Thanks so much for the posts.

It almost started again this morning. Was sleeping and she walks in to do something in the room I was sleeping and making so much noise. This startled me awake and I asked her why she was making so much noise and it almost kicked off again. I think I was close to slapping her. So this time, I have the key, packed somethings and I'm currently in a hotel room a I write this. I have phoned her people and her mother is in tears again. Apparently, the wife had many promises to her but it seems she has broken them. The mother was crying and talking, I feel very very bad for spoiling her Sunday, but what is a man to do. I have also developed the courage to phone my people. This was very hard and embarrassing, but I've done it. My people are surprised, they don't even believe she is capable of such things. I have tried very hard to protect her from my side, but the deed has been done. I am ashamed to say the least, very ashamed.

@Sisi_kill

You must have known she was a beater when you married her.
I did not know, if I had, I would not have dated her never mind marrying her.

Did you marry her thinking you can change her?

I had no plans of changing her - surely it is possible to disagree in a civil manner

Do some self examination. . . What do you to make her angry?
Any thing -

Stop doing those things because you have to remember she's human.
Would I also be human if I started slapping her around and beating her up?

Start talking to her gently and try be nice to her.
This does not work when she is angry -

Don't deny her sex and NEVER EVER. . . EVER stop praying God will change her heart.
Sex ke - that's the last thing that is going to be happening for a while,
God is always in control.

@Sisi_kill
Would you give this advice to woman whose husband would form a fist and use it on her as well as smash objects on her head. Somehow I think not.

@chaircover
I would also like to know the reason for this change too. She has had it a bit rough here in the UK with finding a job and she sometimes feels down. I make every effort to make her not feel it. I find activities for her to do like training centres, courses, driving lessons, volunteering in church etc so that she has somewhere to go everyday while she is still looking for a job to ease boredom and too much thinking . I also make sure her I update her bank balance regularly + extra for clothes shopping etc, I give her everything I can within my means. I spend time with her, take her out, tell her she's special etc, I try my my best. But I understand that my best is still not a job - maybe that's where the problem is - but she doesn't tell me.

I've been too ashamed to tell my friends this things, I've not even told my own family. But today I opened up to a long time friend of mine and he laughed and told me welcome to the club! Here is his take - She is exercising her new found rights in the uk, something she would not attempt if we lived in naija. I find it hard to believe, but I'm too confused.

Thanks for the responses so far. We live in the UK.

@tpia - arrangee is just a name, troll like it may seem but it doesn't mean my predicament is less real.

@ tunnytox - the marriage is not arangee, we met here while she was doing her post-grad studies, I already live here. We got married properly in naija big wedding and all. Even if it were to be the case, what is happening is still not right. I don't wish this on anybody.

@werepeLeri, Jenifa
We argue about just about anything. Here's a ridiculous example (She is big ManU fan) - during one game last year ManU scored and we disagreed if it was offside or not - the kind of argument that generated would surprise you . This time though, it was about perceived infidelity. NOTHING HAPPENED. I got a call outa the blues from an ex-babe  that I have not seen for 10years (she's married with kids) I quickly dispatched her knowing the potential reaction of my wife. But in trying to dispatch the woman, my wife became suspicious and starting checking my phone. So she called the number,ex answered and boom. I was called all sorts of names not matter my explanation. If it finished there that would have been ok (I'm used to it), but it continued the next day and then deteriorated from there. I guess it's because I got angry and started ignoring her for being accused of doing what I didn''t do. Maybe if I had just said sorry I won't doing it again maybe yawa no for gas. But for how long can I live like that. And just for note, my record is clean, there has been no other woman business since we started dating to being married 2 years now. Besides we are(were) trying to start a family and the last thing I need is to score a mistake goal outside while she still trying to give me kids - it would have killed her and it's against my belief too.

@sexkillz
Thank you very much for the advice, I wish more people would be as wise as you.  If only we were talking about a reasonable person here, I would have had hope. She has been advised along these lines, counselled, her people have talked and talked. It works for a while then, its as if she forgets and she comes out swinging in the next disagreement. She has a very hot (terrible bad) temper. Once she goes - that's it folks. The sad thing is it doesn't take much. When we were dating, I noticed she had temper but it was nothing like this. Besides I thought it was manageable, we all have imperfections. They told me show her love and I did - there is nothing I have not done for her within my means, sometimes I go without for her. There is no way that if I had seen even 10% of what I'm seeing today that I would have married her. No way.

I would also like to understand her side of the story too because all I've heard and seen so far is shouting, abuse, accusation and all manner of physicality and accusations and I've simply zoned out.

We have just finished a serious fight and I think it has gone too far now. Today's own was the worst yet. We've been married two years and we live in the U. She tries all kinds of control methods. I'm not even allowed to get angry or the heavens will come down. She will start shouting and cursing until the neighbours come out or call police. I feel trapped. She was not like this when we dated. Now, trouble is not far from the surface, we simply can't disagree amicable. The cursing and shouting is bad enough but the problem is that it gets physical with pushing and shoving and in her case she adds slaps, punches hitting me with objects etc. In all this I have never done this things to her because I know that I might kill her with one touch. I know, I should walk away, but today I tried but she locked us in and hid the key. I also know you shouldn't get involved in any physicality with a woman but sometimes you just get sucked in by the provocation and antagonism - I really tried to leave today.

This is a terrible habit in our relationship. I'm worried that one day, one slap too many, and I'll end up injuring her in a bad way and maybe jail.I have spoken to her people, they have advised her before. She is sorry and quiet for a month and next thing, one small thing and boom. I don't know what else to do, I have exhausted every avenue - I hate to be a failure but divorce might just save our lives.