Stats: 3,173,120 members, 7,887,244 topics. Date: Friday, 12 July 2024 at 03:45 AM |
Nairaland Forum / Beneli's Profile / Beneli's Posts
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@kokoye, I do understand where you are coming from though and agree with what you say. My point, however, is that it's difficult to take a decision about burial rites, which disagree with how your loved ones lived and hoped to die. It would be much easier if we are bold enough to raise discussions with our aging parents about how they wish to be buried. In some societies people write advance directives, which includes those sort of things. My father did not have an advance directive. We didn't have a discussion about how to go about laying him to rest - it didn't seem quite appropriate. And all i know is that he respected the traditions in which he was brought up and that he also belonged to different groups in the community, who each have their own 'traditions' to comply with. I ask myself; if i had to borrow money to lay him to rest according to his own worldview, would i do so? The answer is 'Yes'. So until we are able to change the way we do things, all we are left with is to abide by the expectations of the loved ones we wish to lay to rest. I don't know how it's done in the rest of ala Igbo or in the part of Nigeria where you come from, but due to my 'ignorance' of our ways, I am left at the mercy of what I am told is the way 'things are done'. If I did not have the burden of having 'rebelled' against 'tradition' in his lifetime, perhaps I would have 'rebelled' now and done things my way. But given the burden, it redeems me to do what I am told to do. . . I hope that makes sense. |
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^ What of in a situation where you did not abandon them in life, do we refuse to respond to the obligations to the local traditions and culture? I know that you mean well in your advice but this post has been more about the burial process itself. My wifes anxieties are from the fact that after the things we did do in his life, society still expects so much. . . . I have been told that I have obligations to the various amaala groups (elder groups) . . . up to five of them; obligations to the maternal inlaws; obligations to the Knights and the church groups etc. These obligations include buying things like cows and crates of different drinks. I ask what happens to people who are not in a position to fulfil these obligations and I am told that they make pledges, which they redeem at a later date. I have tried to slash down the number of people that would be entertained, but I can't get away with having the quiet ceremony for close family members, which I would have preferred, because 'tradition' dictates otherwise. So i have to make provisions to 'entertain' up to a thousand people, many of who probably did not wish him well. I don't need to show off to anybody. In my own right I am comfortable- so don't need to 'borrow' to do this - and people who know my father respect him for the foundations he laid for his children. My father lived a good life - he drove the mercedees, which he wanted, had among the biggest houses in the community etc, so I don't have the insecurity issues that would fuel the need to be salvaged by 'showing off'. My guilt is out of the fact that I did not believe in some of these traditions that mean't so much to him. So, as a last act of respect, I will fulfill my obligations to these customs whether they mean anything to me or not. . . . |
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^ I appreciate your condolence. You are right in some of the things you have said. There are aspects of culture which need to be changed, seeing that human societies are dynamic. Culture and traditions obviously change as we, who live them, change. As we become more enlightened, we are able to replace some of those traditions founded on ignorance with things, we consider 'more acceptable'. Yet . . . and yet I am not so sure that all the things that we find less agreeable, need to be changed. I, for one have been shaped more by alien traditions and cultures than those native to my ethnic roots. I have lived more years outside of my homeland, been insidiously socialised into worldviews of the different societies in which my personality have been formed. I have become like a 'hybrid' - a marginal man, who at different points in my life have been a 'rebel' of a sort against some of the 'traditions' of those who have come before me. And at different times, i have almost felt rootless. But as one grows older, one begins to undersatnd that what one accepts as 'right or wrong' - whether traditions, culture or whatever - depends on so many environmental and personal factors. And while it becomes arguable as to whether there are really any absolute rights or wrongs, it is still necessary to respect some of these traditions or culture, even if we don't quite agree with them. Pardon me if I sound like I am waffling. . . .perhaps, it's a guilt trip or whatever. . . . but while my father was grounded in the ways of old - even though he was well educated and travelled - I, on the other hand, sometimes dismissed some of the things he held on to as irrelevant to my own needs. But I ask myself now; would a Seikh still go ahead and cremate the body of their loved one, even if that loved one converted to say, Christianity before they died? Would it not be disrespectful for that person to try to use their own interpretations of reality and the understanding of the 'afterlife' as the yardstick to decide the best way to honour their dead? And when you say; whatever we do after they are gone, is just for us, I hesitate to agree, because in my worldview, those that we love continue to live in our memories. They do not completely die as was so beautifully expressed in the poem by the anonymous poet in my previous post. So, my brother, I am inclined to think that the least we can do when memory is all that is left of our loved ones, is to adorn those memories with the things, which they consider to be most respectful and dignified. Even if it costs us a fortune. You see, I think that there is something 'redeeming' about treating the 'dead' the way that they would have wanted to be treated . So in a way, I may agree with you - it is done for our own sake. @ Inkerd_Nerd, Thanks! |
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gowaga68: There are no rates for the £! |
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@ ChinenyeN and abadaba, Unu eme'ela. |
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^ Ime'la. . . |
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Sometimes it's easier said than done - especially if the diseased was a reputable man in the community. I empathise with Trinigal because the demands from family back home can seem very callous at times, especially to someone who comes from a culture where the dead are actually mourned and where the family of the dead are commiserated with. I know that such demands - to finish off a bigger building, or to buy x number of cows (to appease the different elders or other such traditional groups the deceased belonged to) or to entertain a multitude, many of whom would not even have known the deceased personally - can seem overwhelming, but there are certain traditions that are abided by not because they are perfect, but because they are what they are - tradition. And also, that's the way he would have wanted to go . . . I will not stand at your grave and weep - You are not here, you do not sleep You are the sunlight on ripened grain You are the refreshing midday rain When I awaken in the morning’s hush You are the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight You are the soft stars that shine at night I will not stand at your grave and cry You are not there, you did not die . . . RIP Sir J. O - you were a great father. |
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@ Gowaga68 What's today's exchange rate for the £. Would this be the same rate at the airports (MMI/MMII) Thanks. |
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^^ Thanks. I have spoken with the NHIS people already - and actually visited them, sent in a proposal etc - but I have had so many empty promises in the last one year of my trying to make inroads into the Health systems in Naija that one can't help feeling pessimistic about them all! At the HMO level, there's a reluctance on their part to be clinically audited - they are happy with the status quo - so anything one does with them would have to be through the NHIS - which on paper is supposed to have regulatory and supervisory responsibilities towards the HMO's and related service providers. I will look into the PATHS people. |
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@ Ajanlekokko, 'Why not look at opportunities in the private health sector?' There was this thing that the private sector can't afford me! But I suppose I have been deluding myself - something along the lines of overvalued ideas of grandeur! Yep, even Psychiatrists are prone to bouts of madness now and then! On a serious note, my thinking has been that to access the private sector, I would need to relocate temporarily to Nigeria and since I am not ready for such a move just yet, then I will have to be coming to Nigeria for just a week or two at a time - that's the much I can afford seeing that I don't get paid for holidays etc - and the only patronage that would make such trips worthwhile for me is from the government (state, federal, parastatals such as the Health Insurance scheme, prisons and that sort of thing). They have a way of talking very big money, which you don't hear that much in the private sector . . . . @ Oyb, 'if you cannot guarantee major kickbacks to the requisite govt officials, you will go grey waiting for remuneration. governments are bad customers' I hear what you are saying. To be honest with you, I am not that puritanical as to shy away from such obligations if that's what it takes to get meaningful patronage. One thing I won't do, however, is to compromise the quality of service i provide, so those obligations - which you have spelt as 'major kickbacks - would be built into the service charge. That's the way of the world, unfortunately. . . @ Cecegorz, You is funny with that 'life begins at 40' reminder! One spin to that saying is that pain is the one thing that reminds us that we are alive - as the dead feel no pain - so there is something about life, 40 and pain. . . . something along the lines of You become more aware of pain from 40. . . something like that! There's another saying about the age of 40 that goes; a fool at 40 is a fool for ever. Now that one get's me feeling very uncomfortable. . . .! I have been giving the America job some thought lately but I am still holding out hope that something will give either here in the UK or in Naija that will save me from that hassle of having to relocate. I will probably do the exams and keep my options open. . . just in case. . . @ Igelomo, Thanks. @ netotse, What's PATHS, GFAM etc? I will look into your advice about partnering with some bodies to Consult in Naija. Like you observed it requires being in the right place at the right time and I just feel that things will start to settle once we're all clear which way the country is going, politically. |
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I am off to sign the contract! I will respond to your comments later. Thanks. |
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igelomo: I won't give up. |
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AjanleKoko: I have been soliciting for business (Consultancy in Clinical governance/auditing) with some health-related parastatals in the country. In one of them the person in charge actually asked me to send in a proposal, which if accepted would give me something to do for atleast 2-3years. The guy is at the moment trying to retain his position to be the overall boss of that unit in the country, and like most things in Nigeria it's highly politicized. In another which involves Clinically auditing the health systems in a state, I have been told to wait until after the elections. |
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Perhaps it’s mid-life crises or something but I am losing a lot of my enthusiasm for so many things these days. I have been a bit disappointed with the business that I have been trying to set up in Naija. The money needed to refurbish the office to taste is way more than I expected, the response from the ‘market’ has not been encouraging and the political climate has left a lot of promises for Consultancy jobs and retainerships unfulfilled. I had also hoped that a few ventures, which I wanted to do there would be able to sustain the new office until it can stand on its own, but I am currently asking myself; ‘what’s the bloody point - Nigeria is a hard nut to crack anyway!’ I suppose it’s this anxiety about how the economy in the UK will affect people like me, who have been mostly self-employed, in the long term. The cuts being introduced by the Conservative party, have left a lot of us in a very precarious situation – fewer contracts from the NHS (as they are trying to save money etc) - and I am being tempted to take up a paid employment offer. In fact, I have been asked to come in later today to sign the contract of acceptance for a job, which happens to be barely 15 minutes drive away from where I live. I am contemplating signing up for about 2 years during which time I will try to re-establish myself – or would have been able to get somebody in Naija to consider me for an appointment! The problem is that the job, which though is a private sector one - and thus offers a lot more than the NHS would have been able to offer me - will still leave me well over 20k per annum shorter than my average previous income as a ‘cowboy’ Psychiatrist. And the thought of all the A colleague of mine who visited from the US over the weekend is seriously encouraging me to join them there. He says that the future is a lot brighter for me over there than in the UK. The only problem is that I have just turned 41 and have a growing family, and will need another 1-2 years to sort out my license to be allowed to practice in America (i.e. more exams). And after that, I will have to spend at least 3 years as a Junior Doctor (resident) again! With my clinical experience in the UK and other life experiences, he thinks that once I complete the residency I will be able to start nearer the top (I’ll be about 46 to 47 by then) and climb very high in a very short time. He suggests that I should think of supplementing my income during those dreadful ‘Junior Doctor’ years by ‘moonlighting’. Moonlighting is another word for more work especially at night - when I should be resting my middle aging bones and planning my retirement to somewhere warm and pleasant. Hmm . . . this post is filled with the word 'problem', which reflects the insecurity that I feel at the moment, so I will just go and sign |
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Osisi Ka Nkwu is a common criminal and should be treated as such - his trying to remould himself into a freedom fighter won't wash. Ukwa people usually don't consider themselves to be part of Ngwa, so one wonders how he, an Ukwa man, can now turn around to claim he is fighting to 'liberate' Ngwa people. If this wasn't such a serious matter, at this point one would have started laughing out loud . . . and even rolling on the floor. . . at the thought of such an oaf, 'fighting' for Ngwa people! The new generation Ngwa are a lot more sophisticated and calculating than resorting to kidnapping and violence to empower themselves. And I am sure a lot of Ngwa people would be embarrased to the hilt by all this Osisi Ka Nkwu business! The only 'liberation Ngwa people need - indeed the only liberation ALL indigenes of Abia state need - is from bad governance. |
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PeachyBody: You can pretty much get all the information you want on this link - http://www.nhcuk.org/visa-requirements |
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In the spirit of most of the posts on this thread, I find the following quote from Nikos Kazantzakis to be rather appropriate – ‘A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free. . . ’ - But for information about the narrative of human experiences that we often refer to as ‘madness’, follow this link - https://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-244818.0.html |
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ezeagu: @ Ezeagu, The boxes are usually 'self-ticked' - if there's a word like that! - so there are people who are 'African' who still tick the 'Other' box. As you rightly implied it's really what an individual wishes to identify themselves as, that they tick - For instance, an acquaintance of mine from Vanuatu used to tick 'Black Other' because she believes that her ancestors migrated from East Africa, while some of her country men, would argue with this and just tick 'Other'. On the other hand, some kids of Nigerian parantage - this is not peculiar to Nigerian kids though as kids from other racial backgrounds - who were born here, tick 'Black Other', 'Asian Other' or just 'Other'. It's their prerogative how they want to be classified. Generally, I find the whole racial profiling thing to be grossly incorect and inherently racist - so I am not into the 'black' and 'white' thing anyway. . . In my official reports - and in the reports of a lot of my colleagues who are either of African or Asian background - you're either 'Caucasian', 'of African origin/heritage', 'of Asian heritage' etc . . . while in the reports by my Caucasian colleagues you are 'black', 'white' etc! Sorry if it's come across as off topic. |
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Ooops Ezeagu beat me to it! My post was actually in response to tensors post. |
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^^^ The term 'negro' is not really politically correct. At least not in the UK - and presumably not in North America either - where people actually find it both insulting and demeaning. The 'Other black' box for racial profiling in the UK would be for say, African-Americans in the UK, 'blacks from South America, who are proud enough to be labelled 'black' - or who didn't see the other box that says simply 'Other'. People from the Horn of Africa and the so called 'Black British - whatever that is - also tick that box. |
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snowdrops: . . . that's news to me, actually. And it's rather inconvenient news at that! But then, that can also be good for Psychiatric business - especially for those who write medico-legal reports or are Indepedent practitioners. That is until the Psychiatrist is faced with a smart Solicitor at a Mental Health Review Tribunal or in court, who starts to ask difficult questions about 'available and appropriate treatment' . . . I suppose the majority of them - the real 'sex offenders' . . . like the incestous father in this case - would still end up in jail though! |
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What I think is disgraceful about this whole thing is that some Nigerians think it's actually okay for such a high profile person as Mr Alan Sugar to come out with such a 'demeaning' comment about Nigeria. When the man stated; ' I had an offer like that from Nigeria once and funnily enough it didn't transpire . . .' he was not mindful enough to state that it was an offer from 'a Nigerian' . . .which as a respectable Nigerian I find very insulting. Though as Nigerians we like to complain about how things are wrong in our country - which by the way is not a trait peculiar to us alone - we don't need to be patronised by people like Alan Sugar and the BBC. Nigeria is a soveriegn nation of 150 million people and while there are a few who go about tainting our image abroad by engaging in all sorts of inglorious activities, we are not all criminals. So it is highly contemptible to stereotype a whole nation as Alan Sugar has done. I am sure that were the shoe on the other foot, the British High Commisioner to Nigeria would NOT have kept silent about it. So, even if some Nigerians conclude that they themselves are not deserving of any respect from the International community, and as such have no qualms about every Tom, D .i. ck and Harry deriding them both privately and openly, his Excellency Dr Dalhatu Sarki Tafida and many other self-respecting Nigerians should take offence at Mr Sugars ignorant comments. . . |
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Aloy+Emeka: Very good question. . . Sexual deviance – which sometimes falls under the broad group called Paraphilia – is arguably NOT a mental illness. It is considered a disorder of sexual preference. Some may consider it a Social disorder. . . It becomes a mental disorder only when it causes the individual distress, in which case the focus of psychiatric intervention would be to relieve the symptoms of distress. . . anxiety, depression etc. . . or if it is associated with psychotic symptoms such as paranoia (self-referential delusions in which an individual may feel that people are against them, or that they are better than others, or have special powers etc), hallucinations (when an individual experiences perceptions that are not based on reality like seeing or hearing people that are not there etc), in which case the appropriate medication or other behavioural interventions would be introduced. If - as in the case of Paedophilia - the focus of interest is on vulnerable individuals, it becomes a human rights issue and also a matter for the criminal justice system. People who for instance have a sexual preference for inanimate objects . . . or vegetables . . . won’t be sent to prison or hospital if they are caught doing so. As long as the objects or vegetables belong to them! But depending on the standards of the society where they live they may be answerable to the local laws . . . or the local jungle justice! Bestialism (sexual preference for animals) for instance, is a Paraphilia which in some societies is considered a criminal offence, so the perpetrators would go to jail . . . and not to hospital. So, while you may find Paraphilias included in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for mental disorders), the general consensus among mental health professionals is that it is NOT a mental illness. |
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^^^ I doubt that a good lawyer will easily get away with the 'insanity defence' here - incest does not always equate to mental illness. Only a very small percentage of perpertrators of incest have a recognisable mental illness actually. What is a very common denominator amongst incestouos fathers, however, is their propensity to sexually molest other children in addition to their own. This is driven more by deviant sexual preferences for children . . . or paedophilia. . . than 'mental illness' per se. His neighbours, who have similarly aged daughters, should be very concerned! |
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^^^ No worries. For next years festival, which we'll endeavour to attend, we'll try to be more 'punctual' a la 'African time'. . . ![]() The take away food you guys gave us to go home with was delicious. Thanks! |
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Andre Uweh: It appears the festival kicked off in full swing after we left. . . and we missed out on all the fun. Pity! |
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pete11213: . . . the good works of the governor, such as? |
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^^^ We will come. I am usually very punctual. . . i find the whole 'African time' thing a bit rude, actually! I do hope that the festival is usually child-friendly and that kids - below the age of 7 years - attend. My kids wouldn't want to be the only ones of their age there! |
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. . . found it. http://www.icsn.co.uk/content.php?cmd=gF&du=1&cID=71 |
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Andre Uweh: @ Andre, Is there a website for this and what time is the festival from?. . . I am thinking of taking my kids along, seeing that this is Black History month and this would most certainly give them a lot to talk about at school. |
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niceprof: Spot on. . . |
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