I nominate Chaircover for the useful advice offered to me when I needed it most. I found it most appropriate

I have been married for 20 years and we have 2 lovely kids. Until recently I could say I was very happy in the marriage and that would be candid. We have lived an average and comfortable life financially and otherwise, and of recent God has blessed us even the more and we can afford more luxury. All of a sudden, my wife have come up to tell me about the relationship she had just before we met. This is something she has never mentioned before. The man is about my age and now a very successful and wealthy man, even though he was just starting when they were going out, and would have passed for an average person then as well. From her story, she was double dating us then and I did not even know. She obviously prefer him to me and for reasons best known to her she told me what a wonderful man he was and that he was actually better than me in all aspects of life, even on bed. The only reason she did not marry him is because he had another girlfriend then, also known to her who was more compatible with him, and they eventually married. Their separation was mutual and obviously they must have remain as friends. While he could have been so 'wonderful' or whatever as he has made a big success out of his life, I don't envy him in anyway. I am very proud of who I am. We are all individuals and what anybody is or is not cannot have anything to do with me.

I feel betrayed because we have discussed all our ex before we married and I believed I knew everything. I did ask specifically and she lied to me. I have been on the road most of my career and have left her alone in the house for extended period without any iota of suspicion. We live in the same town with the man and worst still he is a public figure and known as a womaniser. Me and this man are completely different in personality, character and interest. With the benefit of hindsight, most of the problems and quarrels we had early in our marriage was because she would want me to do things and behave in ways that this man normally would and I wouldn't cause we are just different people. I also did not know about him, so I didn't even know where all those issues and interest were coming from, and we were just quarrelling for nothing. She was trying to see this man in me which obviously was impossible. She took me through that stress for nothing.

I am a family man and have lived all my life around my family. To discover at this stage that I have invested all my adult life on a woman I really didn't know is quite a disappointment. It's heart breaking to imagine that my own dear wife had such a deep relationship with another man when I thought we were both madly in love in the courtship that led to our marriage. A marriage in which I have so far remain faithful and committed. I see the picture of this man often on TV and in the papers and can't imagine what must have been in her mind all along as she must have been seeing it too. This is very difficult for me. If this man did not suceed as much, would I ever know? How many others were out there or still there that I didn't know and may never know just make everything look difficult. It's quite painful

My kids are grown and now spend most of the time in boarding house. I don't think a divorce will hurt them as much as when they were still at home. This is just difficult for me. It's a sore that may never heal. I spend every single day now in agony. I'm extremely bitter. She must be thinking she took me for a fool This is difficult for me.

Thanks madam. I appreciate your advise

It's abviously eating at me. That is the only reason I will bring it here, and she also knows that it's eating at me. The man may not want her again after 20 years, but what of 15 years, or 10 years and 5 years. When we just married etc. The fact that she hid that aspect of her life is an indication that the channel was still open. I can't tell. If DNA would not cause undue complication for the kids I would have been calling for it. It's really disturbing

Thanks chaircover.  I'm still lost as to why telling me after 20 years.  I can't trace anything to it, and from her own account, it could not have been me if there is any chance in the world to marry this man.  She fought it and lost.  To express such fondness over another man to your husband of 20 years is unimaginable.  Anyway, I just feel hurt and betrayed.  I have no proof that she has been seeing him, neither do I have any proof that she has not.  If ther had been any contact, I sure will not expect her to confess, as she had lied even when it did not matter.  She obviously have ample time to see him if she wants and that is the painful part.  It's also hard being told you were the second choice to your face.

All the same i agree it could be more emotional than anything and I should not allow that to cloud my judgement.

thanks again chaircover

Odunnu, nothing brought it. it was out of the blues. she just felt like

can't say extramarital now, as I can't prove it.  Just don't know what have been going on in the past especially when she kept the information a secret

I have been married for 20 years and we have 2 lovely kids.  Until recently I could say I was very happy in the marriage and that would be candid.  We have lived an average and comfortable life financially and otherwise, and of recent God has blessed us even the more and we can afford more luxury.  All of a sudden, my wife have come up to tell me about the relationship she had just before we met.  This is something she has never mentioned before.  The man is about my age and now a very successful and wealthy man, even though he was just starting when they were going out, and would have passed for an average person then as well.  From her story, she was double dating us then and I did not even know.  She obviously prefer him to me and for reasons best known to her she told me what a wonderful man he was and that he was actually better than me in all aspects of life, even on bed.  The only reason she did not marry him is because he had another girlfriend then, also known to her who was more compatible with him, and they eventually married.  Their separation was mutual and obviously they must have remain as friends.  While he could have been so 'wonderful' or whatever as he has made a big success out of his life, I don't envy him in anyway. I am very proud of who I am. We are all individuals and what anybody is or is not cannot have anything to do with me.

I feel betrayed because we have discussed all our ex before we married and I believed I knew everything.  I did ask specifically and she lied to me.  I have been on the road most of my career and have left her alone in the house for extended period without any iota of suspicion.  We live in the same town with the man and worst still he is a public figure and known as a womaniser.  Me and this man are completely different in personality, character and interest.  With the benefit of hindsight, most of the problems and quarrels we had early in our marriage was because she would want me to do things and behave in ways that this man normally would and I wouldn't cause we are just different people.  I also did not know about him, so I didn't even know where all those issues and interest were coming from, and we were just quarrelling for nothing.  She was trying to see this man in me which obviously was impossible.  She took me through that stress for nothing.

I am a family man and have lived all my life around my family.  To discover at this stage that I have invested all my adult life on a woman I really didn't know is quite a disappointment.  It's heart breaking to imagine that my own dear wife had such a deep relationship with another man when I thought we were both madly in love in the courtship that led to our marriage. A marriage in which I have so far remain faithful and committed. I see the picture of this man often on TV and in the papers and can't imagine what must have been in her mind all along as she must have been seeing it too.  This is very difficult for me.  If this man did not suceed as much, would I ever know? How many others were out there or still there that I didn't know and may never know just make everything look difficult. It's quite painful

My kids are grown and now spend most of the time in boarding house.  I don't think a divorce will hurt them as much as when they were still at home.  This is just difficult for me.  It's a sore that may never heal. I spend every single day now in agony.  I'm extremely bitter.  She must be thinking she took me for a fool  This is difficult for me.