drcleto:
lmao......God safe u sha.....Nigerian churches sef

My brother, it wasn't easy, am still looking for a better church tho... Not a church that will be shouting ”Fire, Thunder and Lightning“ every Sunday

Most sundays, i don't go to church. Its either am with my phone or washing clothes. On this faithful day, I followed my friend to her church. The name of the church was ”Fire and Thunder *something* *something* Int'l Ministry“ I've forgot the full name of the church. What happened at the church was so different from the regular church that i always attend.

It was a pentecostal church, quite small and full of mostly aged people. I was wearing a pencil skirt and normal top. As soon as I entered the church, my clothes become the center of focus. To make matters worse, we were over 1hour late. The pastor spotted us and called us to come to the front. I was like, "no no am not sitting at the front". When I heard that its the pastor that wants to talk to us, that was when i know what's up. I started fidgeting. I was even trying to explain to the ushers that am a guest but they were doing as if the pastor was Commando. With courage, I moved to the front with my friend, the congregation were just looking at us like..... Then the pastor asked me to off my earrings and that earrings are not allowed in his church. I jejely took off my earrings and looked for a place to seat. My friend has already been transferred to a seat far from me.

The kind of preaching I heard, I've never heard it before, the pastor said we must not fix nails, hair attachments, no usage of gold or silver earrings, wristwatches and most annoyingly chatting is of the devil. Though I didn't concur with what the pastor was saying.

The prayers we observed was like we were in a war front. The pastor said we should hold hands and pray. Unfortunately, the man that held my hand nearly removed my hand from my body while praying. At a point, I forgot the prayer point and changed my prayers to, "God, protect my hands lord, my hands are in your hands lord..."

After a while, deliverance was going on.... We were clapping and singing and clapping when the pastor dashed to my front, held my head and starts shouting Fire! Fire!! Fire!!!! Fire on my head? How could that be, I just kept repeating after him "fire" wondering what's wrong with the pastor again. The pastor just pushed me hardly, I moved back and grabbed the pillar to avoid falling off. The pastor came to me again, i was now frustrated and wished i never came to his church, he grabbed my head again and starts shouting Thunder! Thunder!!... I was just hopping that Sango will not hear what the pastor was saying. Small time now, Uncle Sango will come and strike my head. I got to a point I couldn't withstand the Fire and Thunder thing again, I fell down and pretended that i had an evil spirit.

When it was time for anointing service, we were asked to dip out hand into the big bowl of whatever oil they have in it and put it in our mouth.... Before anyone could force me to drink vegetable oil, my shadow was already leaving me behind, I left the church without quick notice

Credits: www.funloaded.xyz

And that was a fictional storey....

Any reception party that lacks good item 7 is nothing but lawma's property.

I got invited by my mum to her friend's younger brother's cousin's wedding. My mum just carried the event on her head like gala. I agreed on going only to the reception. She told me i need not eat because there will be excess food and stuffs. That was how i left the hot fried rice i cooked untouched. On getting there, i discovered that the hall was very small and there were less people at the overhyped party. The cake was also very small and the decoration was like the combination of Small Doctor and Asa. Fast forward to when we the event started, a guy came to where i was and started a convo that i wasn't interested in. I tried to stop the convo but he was more like talking talking. Guys who talk more than normal cannot know anything.... Confirmed! Nonetheless, I knew where the convo was heading. My statistics show that 99% of guys that approach me always end their essay with ”can i have your number“. This guy was just asking jamb questions tho i answered all his questions nicely.

When it was time to dance, the band was just singing old songs, very old songs. Infact, I stopped my shakiti bobo dance steps when they were not corresponding with the beat. I later heard that the whole band were friends to the bride. The MC nko?? Very razz, he was just ranting all sort of street slangs, at a reception for God sake. Funny enough, when the bride's flower was thrown, the MC said ladies have to fight, slap, push or beat if necessary in order to get the flower, trust me i don't care about their stupid flower.

Later on, dodo(fried plantain) was served in a small plate. I made no effort in trying to grab my piece of dodo but this guy just picked two plates and gave me one. I refused to collect the dodo but he forcefully dipped the dodo in my mouth, gosh. He left me with no other option than to eat the dodo. The dodo looked like the sacrifice used for appealing sango and tasted like sugar added to water leaf. Due to the high rate of hunger, I ate it. When it was time for refreshment, the guy left me. Very small quantity of rice was served with meat and a bottle of water. It was not easy eating the rice because it was too peperish. After 6 spoons of rice, i took a whole bottle of water and requested for extra when the waitress said, ”we have served all the table water and sachet water available“. That day, i concur that water has no enemy and pepper is the greatest enemy to our tounges. The meat on my food was as hard as eating raw lion meat. I chewed and chewed until it got to a point that I jejely dipped my hand in my mouth and removed the meat, looked sideways like a suspected criminal then dipped the meat inside my purse. It was just too hard for me that i cant even swallow it. My mum later told me that it was the bride's neighbours that cooked the food.

At last, take home gifts was distributed. Unfortunately, when it was just few feets to where i sat, i got to know that take home gifts had finished, Yes, e don Finish. After a couple of minutes, I picked up my bags, looked around and left my mum at the odd party.

Am not a gold digger but i don't pray for this kind of wedding. Its easy to say, "My love for him is greater than money" but as time goes on, I'll get frustrated and ask myself why you choose to marry him.

Credits: www.funloaded.xyz

This is my first post on nairaland and I hope it atleast make you smile...

4 years ago, using a blackberry was like using an iphone6. Back then in 2012, an overused blackberry will turn you from a smellos to a big guy isn't it? In my own case, reverse was the case, the Bold 5 I bought turned me to a chronic idiot.

I bought it from a computer village at a very serious price(I can't disclose it). Its not easy to save every 500naira and 1000naira i get from family members. Choi, I can fit visit family members die for that time ehn, I sha know say them go drop sontin. The day my uncle's wife's younger sister didn't drop something...... God will sha forgive me because i curse that lady no be small.

I have be eyeing this girl in church since when i was using one nokia 2626(rubber band model), the phone's battery was as worse as Dame Patience Jonathan's English. Charge it now, 30mins later...... Battery empty(no warnings). As a big boy using BB, I walked up to this girl with my bootcut trousers, talked for few minutes, then asked "where is your phone?" Only people using big phones ask this ridiculous question, she brought out one neatly used china phone. I then raised my BB like I was raising a red card by an angry referee in a Chanpions League. She asked me to snap her, I posed like a professional photographer about to snap.

Na so I press the camera button oh, the tin just off, My BB no gree switch on oh. I no even move, na packaging dem dey call am. I come tell the girl say I don snap her make she re-pose, na so I shout "Ohhhh, I've forgotten my mum sent me somethere", na so I commot oh

I spent roughly 2k on repairing the phone after another 6weeks of hard savings. Those days, I didn't even know how to subscribe so I never created a BBM account on the phone. I bought the brand's name just as some people are buying the iphone brand today. You all know yourselves, you'll buy iphone today and break the front and back screen tomorrow. For those whose iphone are still neat, be calm and wait for the d-day.

Few weeks after I repaired the phone, the phone do me strong thing oo. E just dey hang like madt. Especially if am looking at pinshures. E hang one dey ehn. Even if I wan enter BRT bus, I no fit wait for 5seconds. For my BB, them no born me well make I no wait, I don wait for 20 good minutes before, I just dey swear for the CEO of BlackBerry ni.

One faithful day, my phone just went off, I didn't even bother about it. God so good, I was at an engineers place, so I plugged the phone, I waited, waited, waiting, waiter, wait, waiting for the phone to switch on. Cutting the long story short, that was the end of solomon grundy. I never saw the light of that phone till today, I still had that phone in my wardrobe because was too expensive.

Na that same day the person whey owe me money come my aoz, I vex die, to God who made the, the guy chop hot slap that day before he commot for my aoz, I don even forget him offence. I sworn that dat that I'll never use any phone that has the letter B in it.

Well, guess the phone am currently using?? Its BlackBerry Z10

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