Thanks for all the comments. I did tell my husband last night that I think this whole thing is too much for me right now and that i need help emotionally to heal. I am also the only one supporting us right now financially as he tries to get on his feet in the U.S. now, in a pretty demanding and stressful job which takes a lot of my time and energy. This is not helping. we are going to try a professional counselor to see if it makes a difference. if not- we may be heading down separation of some sort. I feel bad saying this, but i kind of miss my old single life - my independence. I actually think i was happier then as opposed to now!

I wish i was brought up to believe all men cheat. I was not and, maybe naively, do not believe all men cheat, or at least not so early on in a marriage. So this is really hard for me to take. I kind of feel shortchanged in a way. My husband on the other hand, grew up in a polygamous home, so i don;t think he sees affairs the same way i do. While he does not approve of polygamy - he basically thinks cheating is a sin against God, ask God for forgiveness and he will forgive, apologize to wife and everybody move on.


For the poster who asked about our sex life - i did ask my husband the same question: whether he enjoys making love to me. His response was "passionately." I asked him whether he finds me attractive. He said "very." Maybe he is saying these cos he does not want to hurt my feelings.

I agree about the comments re holding things in. I am actually generally the opposite and don't hold grudges (although I am holding a grudge with this affair, i must confess.). He used to complement me on the fact that i don't hold grudges, because he generally does. My usual method of dealing with conflict is to get upset, lash out at once and be done with it. Then we can be friends again. However, i have been counseled that this method is not good either because it leads to lots of arguing and my husband actually does not respond to it : i lash out, hubby shuts down, i get frustrated that he is not responding, so i lash out even more, hubby gives me silent treatment for days, i get upset, usually end up crying - unhealthy cycle continues.

I am now trying to do the opposite - not lash out immediately but take a moment to process what happenend and determine if it is a big deal and warrants further discussion. The problem is that now, i convince myself that the issue i am upset about is not worth discussing and then try to suppress it and let it go - especially if it is something that may expose my insecurities about the marriage. But then when we have another argument, it comes up and catches hubby unaware. SO I'm working on finding the balance. I also know that my responses to triggers of the affair are all over the place right now - no consistency in my reaction to them.

Anyway, thanks everyone.

By the way, i understand the comments regarding how he found time to cheat on our honeymoon. it was one of the first question i asked as well. In my mind, i thought we were together 24/7. I had no recollection of us being apart at all on the honeymoon. But he reminded me that we were in fact apart a few minutes one day and for a few hours another day during the honeymoon. The day before he cheated, he and I were at the beach relaxing and we ordered some drinks and lunch. A lady brought the lunch (i can't even remember anything about what she looked like - but according to him she had a pretty face) and as she was setting the lunch, i remember i ran back to the hotel room to pick something up - i was gone for less than 10 minutes. Apparently during that time, they chatted and exchanged numbers.

Then the next day, we had an active morning sight seeing. i was a bit tired after that and we decided to go back to the hotel and relax and i wanted to take a nap. He encouraged me to take a nap while he went downstairs to the hotel bar to get a drink. I said okay and asked him to come back in an hour. this was like 2pm in the afternoon. He was gone for about 4 and 1/2 hours - apparently, he called the girl from the day before, he took a taxi to meet her, and she took him to another hotel and they had sex there (he paid for the room). Meanwhile, I slept and woke up, called him on his cell and there was no answer, walked downstairs to the bar and could not find him. i was actually afraid something happened to him. he later came back and told me that he walked to a bar down the street and just chatted with some locals, had a little to much to drink and lost track of time. I remember being upset that he did not think to call me and did not pick up my call, but i did not think for one second that he was off with another woman. the thought never came to my head. i was more glad that he was okay and i was mad at him for like an hour, and then after that, we went out to eat and continued on our honeymoon. i completely forgot about the incident until he confessed and i was asking how he found time to cheat.

Thanks for all the comments, I know the dutiful thing to do is to stay and try to  make it work.   But is the dutiful thing necessarily the best thing in the long run?

We had a disagreement two days ago  - he made a comment to me a week or so ago that i take him for granted and that it will come back to hurt me.  He said this because we were on a trip somewhere and he wanted me to take a picture of him, while we were walking to a restaurant.  When I stopped to take a picture, a security guard came by to ask if we needed directions becuase we looked a little lost.  So i told the guard we were walking to a restaurant and did not quite know how to get there.  he offered to walk us to the restaurant, so i started walking with the guard.  My husband got offended because he felt i should have finished taking the picture of him before leaving with the guard.  That's when he said i take him for granted.  he actually said a woman who takes her husband for granted will be hurt in the end.  The statement relaly bothered me because to me he was implying he would leave for some other chick who does not take him for granted or would cheat again.  Anyway, i  did not say anything about the comment because i did not want to argue.  but i really felt sad and all the insecurities i had about the marriage came back.

then a couple of days ago, he wanted me to move one of the cars from our frontyard because it was blockign the driveway and he was about to back the other car out of the driveway.  But he said it in that commanding , kind of yelling tone (common to many Nigerian men, i think) - and i don't like it.  So i told him i was not going to move the car if he kept yelling at me.  then he called me stubborn and i threw his comment about taking him for granted at him and whether that means he will cheat again - needless to say, it did not go well.  We have not spoke in two days now (besides, hi and bye).  i feel like just telling him we should separate for a while.

What would you do if you were in my situation:

i live in the U.S. but met this guy back in Nigeria through one of my family members.  He is a friend of one of my relations.  We dated, fell in love and got married.  He was wonderful in every sense of the word.  he would go out of his way for me, was very loving.  He is not the most romantic guy out there (at least not in the western sense of the word), but he tried and I knew he was making a lot of effort to make the relationship work.  He was also doing very okay financially as a professional with an oil company and would usually foot the lionshare of whatever was spent when i came to see him.  he also foot the bill for the wedding in Nigeria and honeymoon - although i contributed of course.  And we had a lavish wedding, although not excessive.  Anyway, i say all this to show that he was not just using me as an escape from Nigeria, as he was comfortable back home.

ANyway, he recently confessed that in our young marriage (less than 2 years), he has cheated on me twice - once on our honeymoon with a girl in the hotel (as in the very week we got married!).  The second was with his ex girlfriend during the first month of our marriage - after our marriage and honeymoon, i came back here while he remained for about a month or so to clear up a few things before coming to join me.  The confession came about 4 months ago.  He was really broken and was asking for forgiveness.  We have both become more serious about our Christian walk in the last year of our marriage, and so we were counseled by a christian couple through the discovery of the affair.  And I knew as a christian, I had to forgive him.  i believe i actually have forgiven him because i wish him no ill and only want the best for him.  he is is still my best friend and I still love him. 

The problem is that I can't let go.  The pain of betrayal still hurts deeply and i am beginning to hink maybe i should just let go of this marriage, chuck it up to experience and wait to meet someone else without the baggage of such an early betrayal.  I only have bitter memories of the honeymoon now and whenevrr i am upset with him about anything (even something totally unrelated to the affairs) the thought of the affairs comes t o my mind and i become really sad and depressed.  He was understanding initially (perhaps the initial month after the affair).  Now, he thinks i am just bringing up the affair whenver i am upset, just to make him feel guilty.  This is not entirely false because i think i do bring up the affair sometimes because i want him to appreciate the betrayal and hurt  that it caused.  i do not want to condemn him because i know God has forgiven him, but i wonder if i can really be happy in this marriage again. 

Thoughts?  Advice?