Marry in Yankee. Don't even think of doing the come-home pick wife thing. Or relocate to Nigeria and stay there. IN yankee, your wife starts off as your partner. In 7 years, she is really your boss. You can't do anything without her and you will be totally in her clutches. She will increasingly be independent, call the shots, and if she is Naija and decides to go full commando on your butt, you are totally screwed.

elonize:
if u have watched this movie disguised, don't ever tell dem u r from Yankee,tell dem u stay in a shabby place,u no get dat much, u go c how e b...if she cm dey snub u nyhow...just video chat her n wen she c wer u dey,...N.a. cry she go dey cry,lol
anoda option, a Christian black or white bae is Der also,....but if u want a last long marriage, d last bus stop NATO put to God to connect u to ur eve... God's network too strong

Reminds me of a doctor lady here in the USA that stated that although she is willing to share and have accounts set up like you enumerated, she wanted control over the guy's account as well. I was like, you want the guy to come ask permission to spend his own money? Are you his wife or mother? Even mothers don't try to control spending after a certain age, which the hubby is way past.
All kinds of weird stuff.
At least she was better than another woman who said "my money is my own". In America? GTFOH!

2buffagain:


I see people not liking that I put love as number 4.
Here is the thing, love is an emotion. Emotions are like the sea. They rise and fall. During it's rise, it augments everything and makes all things sweeter, but during it's fall it wipes everything out. This is where STRUCTURE comes in.

Emotions are like a muscle. A Muscle without a skeletal structure to back it is a muscle that is sometimes impotent. ( Imagine if your arms worked like joysticks! )

It is these structures that keep the family operations together when +ve emotions aren't all that high between the couple.
This is why every establishment that has ever stood the test of time has "A Code" or "A Creed". It is a matter of sustenability.

On a side note, and totally unrelated from this topic.... Another example of a well recomended family creed would be "No matter how mad we are with each other, we do NOT let the sun set on our anger". Some people have woken up in hell because of that particular one...
But I digress. My point is, structure is needed for times of low emotion to keep things going as they must. And everyone must be commited to the Creed for peace of mind.



This is what kills men today. An inability to adapt to current realities.
If you have any plans of living anywhere else besides Nigeria, I humbly ask that you reconsider your disturbance to this 21st century mindset.
That said not even Nigeria is safe from this.

All societies are being setup in such a way that most homes may require income from both spouses. When that time comes, that is not the time when you want to start having that conversation with your spouse. Many men have falsely entered marriage with this mindset and are paying for it right now, while their wife considers finance "not her business" while she shovels and hides her own money to the detriment of the family, talking about "Remove your eyes from MY money. Go and find how to pay all the things you've been paying without me" .

Again, this is what happens when you place emotion over structure.

Fellas, No be only you waka come. Stop digging your early graves with this obsolete way of thinking. Put structures in place as soon as possible.

More bills. Igbo? LOL.
You must be kidding. The tribe with the most money-conscious people and you married their daughter? You better step up to the plate and settle more...

2buffagain:
Say you marry a girl from a rich igbo family, and after they have taxed the man accordingly as per brideprice/list/wedding fees, what kind of gifts do they end up giving this new couple?

This is the story of most people dating Nigerian women. Most are scammers just using men for money. The guys themselves are no better. You are better off marrying the one that won't cost you that much as they will mess up anyways!

mapist:


You have written it all; i am in Nigeria and i avoid them like a plague.

I once dated a so-called ada who was being bleeped mercilessly by 2 yahoo boys behind my back especially yahoo boy 1. If i hadnt found out, i would have paid heavily for her hand in marriage as she had already started to tell me about that traditional crap and i'd get to dance like a fortunate dude not knowing the girl whom i paid heavily on was being bleeped with sex enhancing drugs by nitwits. This is not to mention all the expenses i would have incurred.

Who put the American man in debt? Is it not the same American woman who divorced him and took his money leaving him with debt, with the active connivance of the law courts? And this is irrespective of if the wife was a cheat, witch, or just bat crazy.
Then they turn around and call him a loser (your words). What percentage of divorce filers are women? Statistically over 85% of divorces are filed by women. And you can't tell me that only men cheat in America.
To me it appears the American women you describe are looking for a fresh victim and are only avoiding the "loser" because some other woman got to squeeze him dry first.
That's why Sango, doing tag-team with Thor, hammers-wielding and all , will fire any American woman (already talked about the dangers of foreign women, so no thanks too) that thinks I'll walk down the aisle with her. And I like living in the US with the constant electricity so I'm not moving to no funny place so I can marry.
I know they are all still interested because I escaped with a lot of my wealth and my son, so I'm not paying any child support. But once bitten twice shy. Thanks but no thanks, We good!

Angela777:

No, western women we are not perfect and we smell poo and pee. But American men going to bring a foreign wife yes, are many, yet they are losers according American standards of life, once American man is divorced and paying child and spouse support, he is very poor and no good woman wants even have 1 date with such because we all know, to marry this loser, it will be the 2nd wife working hard and helping him to pay to his 1st family support when her and her children will be not having even enough food. It's the way it is in America. So mostly, not all but almost all men bringing foreign wives are very poor with huge debts and paying increasing their debts bringing the foreign wife, many are convicted abusers, alcoholics, drugs addicts, bipolar crazy men, weird perverts, etc., etc. American women can see it, foreign women are tricked and brought many times to small cities from where she has no way to go to find a job or she just doesn't know her rights and because of the green card, she accepts the abuse or smart losers bring a woman with 1-2 small kids, not speaking English. The woman has no family, no friends, no place to go and she accepts any kind of behavior for to have her children with her, some are even killed if the man is mad. Few foreign wives are lucky to get a normal man who cares.

About American women, just look we are not too many to bring a foreign husband, we do bring if we fall in real love though but mostly we know we have many American good men to choose from. Good women in America are scarce as some are in drugs, alcohol and sex, so when the woman is a good marriage material, not a problem to get married, but we choose carefully and see the background of the man who is asking us out because the financial cheating in marriage and divorce cost lots of money and can put you in big debts.

This is more than apt.
This will be my only post on Nairaland. I'm only posting so no man goes through what I went through.
I live in the US.
My marriage crashed when I came home to marry a Naija-based angel. I never planned to come home to marry. I trusted my friend's report of good behavior from his family member not knowing he knew it was all a ruse. It was a planned job.
My father died from medical complications and having lost my mom much earlier, I came home to bury him. The Naija-based lady knew I was now an orphan used all her wiles to pretend to love me. Pretended to be helping to fill the void left by my parents and I finally agreed to marry her.
I was earning well over $180,000 a year and had luxury home and luxury car.
She arrived and within 1 month, I knew I had made the mistake of my life.
She demanded a luxury SUV since I had one and I told her it didn't make any sense to have two gas-guzzlers in the home. She immediately went into a tantrum. This was someone not contributing anything to the home financially. I got her a brand new Honda Accord. She wasn't very satisfied.
She started buying clothes. Every weekend it was a bill of $600 for clothes. I told her that's not how we spend money in America, she kept going. Always complaining. That she didn't have enough clothes. She is Igbo, so I paid for all the wedding in Nigeria. her family probably contributed only her wedding dress.
So I was starting to think who is this clown that I married.
She got pregnant and then started threatening me with potentially divorce & Child support if I don't do things that make her happy.
One day I got back from work (4 months after wedding) and she had been entertaining another man in the home that I paid all the mortgage on. I knew this because somebody had used the ipad at home to view his Instagram and Facebook and forgot to sign out.
I confronted her and she denied it. She started taking calls from all manner of men from Nigeria, sometimes going to the bathroom to talk to them
Fast forward, one day she told me her cousin from Nigeria was coming to our city in Maryland and could he stay in our home. I found out that the guy was not her cousin really and shut it down. She started saying by US law the home belonged to her and her kids. I told her I had a baseball bat and if she had 10 heads, she should bring the "cousin" to come visit.
By the time she had our son, she had become a full-fledged monster. Refusing to cook, etc. I did most of the house work and had a cleaner come clean the house.
I divorced her shortly after. I had to start paying her child support until God came to my rescue and the Judge decided I was the better parent and I won custody of my son.
It was the worst experience of my life and I lost so much. Her family was in on the whole thing. I assume they were so greedy to want my home
Before anyone asks, I never cheated on her. or hit her.
She did everything those women do: she called the cops to the house during an argument. I was so worried she was going to lie about physical abuse that never happened. I lived in FEAR in my own home. NEVER going to that state of things again. I'm free now.

For those who say the wife took a loan for school, so how did you send her through school, most times you co-sponsor the loan for the wife using your credit
I'll never be married again (I'm still in my thirties) and NEVER marry a woman from Nigeria again.

Excuzeme:




You are very true, what you wrote.
I am even worried that some people are trying to cover-up or divert attention from the truth, the reality.

A few things come to mind:

1.) the world has changed, marriage is no longer what it used to be. Everyone has their own "idea" of what their marriage should look like. It wont work out if you marry someone who deos not share that your "view" of marriage.

2.) Western colonization has gradually eroded the "African tradition/culture" and this has affected our marriages. What and how my mother views marriage is not how my wife views it. How my father sees marriage, l am afraid, l tried to see it like that but it is just not working!

3.) Environment affects marriage like nothing else, it is the most important factor! I have seen very nice, lovely and motherly wives who were the envy of everyone that knows them in Nigeria, for more than ten years (not a single quarrel with the husband, nice kids, e.t.c) but that marriage crashed completely within five years of relocating abroad. I have seen too many of these to conclude it is not just mere coincidence.
Why is it that most "feminist" dont have a husband or are divorced women? Is it because they dont take shyte from their husbands?
What went wrong?

4.) If you marry in Nigeria, l am sure both the husband and wife have expectations of each other (Things l will do, things you must not do, things l can take, boundaries that must not be crossed, how in-laws are treated, how family members are treated, e.t.c). These are the basis of any marital union.
Nigerian, legal, customary and traditional LAWS also support these expectations (e,g, you cant drive your husband's mother out of your "marital home" because she has become a part of the family).
All these flies out of the window, once you relocate abroad with your wife!
The "LAWS" in the western world has made Husbands completely impotent and to be honest, there is nothing "Husbands in the Western world" fear more, than their Wife! How can anyone say that is "marriage"?

Marriage should be all about happiness, bliss, love, caring, sharing, dedication, trust, mutual respect, mutual reliance and most importantly, COMMITMENT. There is no room for FEAR, in a real marriage! If you live in-fear of your spouse (husband or wife), then you are not married but dying slowly or planning to kill him/her in the nearest future.

5.) If you come from Abroad to marry a wife in Nigeria, chances, to as high as 90% you will realize it is the greatest mistake you ever made in your life.
Dont blame it on Nigerian ladies, blame it on Poverty, blame it on desperation and finally, blame it on the "change in environment and culture".
How do you expect a woman who was brought up in a "culture and environment" where she is raised to agree that she must cook for her husband, not order him around, not slap him if he misbehaves, respect his mother and allow them free access to their son and CANNOT, under any circumstance (even if they quarrel, which all couples do!) throw him out of his house..... now suddenly finds herself EXPORTED to a "culture and environment" that legalize and promote male-abuse, that says you can call 911 and without any question asked, the Police will order him out of his house WITHOUT ANY PROOF OR BENEFIT OF DOUBT, where his Mother cannot knock on her son's door at 9pm and you the wife is the one who can decide whether she stays that night or go sleep at the local police station as a "wanderer"?

How do you expect her to cope when you suddenly export her to an environment and culture which says it is okay for her to slap you at the slightest provocation but you must just walk away otherwise you will suffer double jeopardy because you will land in jail so fast, you wont know what hit you?
How do you expect her to cope when she is told by Social Workers that she can own the house, the children of the marriage and everything you have, all she needs to do is just shout "domestic violence", even if it is trumped-up?

How do you expect her to remain "sane and behave like your wife" when you export her to an environment and culture which says if you both agree to have $ex as husband and wife, (which is legal and godly), she can change her mind during the intercourse and if you dont stand up immediately, she can charge you for rape (Yes, your own wife o!) and you spend the rest of your life in jail?

I can continue to list the MADNESS that marriage in the "Western world" has become, till tomorrow,
All l am saying is that, you guys should stop fooling yourselves thinking you can import a Naija lady abroad and she would still be the same "nice wife" you know in Nigeria or the nice lady she pretends to be while, in Nigeria. She would change and it is not her fault. she just cant help it (I am not justifying it or saying it is right)...but you must not expect otherwise because if you do, it is the disappointment when she changes, that will kill you first before her actions does. (Nigerian ladies, dont be annoyed, l am just trying to prepare the mind of you potential husbands for what would happen, so they dont start forming ignorance).

6.) The Devil you know, is better than the Angel you dont know! That is a big, fat lie.
The Women abroad, especially the Akatas (Black women born and raised in the Western world, Europe, Americas) .... if you live abroad, you probably know them very well. (Less than 10% of them are "wife material).
They grew up in a culture that treats men as scum, slaves and a tool for their pleasure. they are not really into marriage, as we see it over here in Nigeria or as we experienced it between our own parents.

They just wanna be proposed to with an expensive ring, do a lavish wedding and still f*ck around like they are still single. If they have a child for you, you can never be sure who is the father so a DNA test is as cheap and accessible as a malaria test over there.
"Bastard Child" as we know it in Nigeria, does not bring "shame" to any woman over there because probably eight out of ten persons you come across was raised by a` man who is not their father but was told by their mother, that he is their father, till they found out.
They just move on.
Infact, it has become so "normalized| that men are beginning to think it is a "sign of good character" to not complain when your wife brings another man's pregnancy/child into the marriage, you just raise the kid like your own once she says 'I am sorry".

So, even if you marry an Akata in your neighborhood over there in the Western world, it is still as risky and dangerous as importing a wife from Nigeria.

And that brings us to the real issue: marriage is no longer what we know it to be.
Drop all those expectations, if you dont want to be disappointed, you will be, if you still look at it from the lens of "how it used to or was supposed to be".

Let me stop here.
My advice:
Dont marry for children, there in no guarantee they wont be taken off-you by your wife, at one point in the future. There are so many men out there who cant see, relate or even be allowed to say 'hello' to their kids, by their wife or the state. Surrogacy can give you a child of your own, without a mother and the headache of marriage! Ask Linda Ikeji if still in doubt.

Dont marry for $ex, you can get it without marriage and all its wahala. The $ex doll is a low-maintenance item that wont throw you out of your house or call Police on you or cheat on you and you can remove the battery anytime you want. She is beautiful and very life-like!

Dont marry for love, it is not what keeps a marriage or brings happiness, (Trust, Commitment, Dedication, mutual respect is what does)

Dont marry because you think your wife is submissive or will obey you, she wont once she thinks she can get-away with not doing so (Abroad standard). Women of today are being told they are not women, but Men and should act like men,

Dont marry because of beauty, that one fades faster than those fake jeans they sell at Aba.

Dont marry because you think it will bring you happiness......most married men (especially in the WEST) are living in pain, fear and bondage. How can such people even pretend to be happy (Nigerian husbands living in Nigeria should than their stars but l can assure them that it wont last for long, the evil is gradually creeping-in.

If you must marry, sign a Pre-nup (or a Post-nup if already married). have no "good expectations" from the marriage, you wont get any, anyway. It breaks when it breaks, dont hinge your happiness on it.
Marriage as of today, is all about the woman and what she selfishly wants.
The man that marries should know how much danger he is subjecting himself to. That does not stop you from marrying afterall, we know electricity kills but we still wire our houses and use it.
Those are the brutal truth that will come to pass, sooner or later, even if you dont believe it now.

PS: To some people this is trash and l agree with such people. To some it is life-saving and l still agree with them, to some. it is "wetin concern me" and those are the people l love most. Dont get worked up over this.