A friend of mine (Tundun) is 23, lives in UK and is in her 2nd year in university.  Her father is so strict that a topic like boyfriend is strictly off discussion in their house.  Anyway, tundun started seeing this guy called tunde and she told her mum (who is also scared of her husband) and sister.  Tunde speaks with tundun's mum every time but they've never met.  Tunde asked tundun to marry him and she accepted the engagement ring and informed her mum, also tunde is ready to wait till tundun graduates before getting married.

Tundun now asked her mum to inform her dad about tunde and the mum kep postponing it till about two months ago meanwhile tundun has been seeing tunde for 2 years.

Anyway, tundun makes a decision to go home next tuesday and inform her dad and then she got a call from her mum saying:  when you're coming home, make sure you remove your engagement ring and do not tell your dad that you are engaged. Any reason for that? NO

Before accepting tunde's proposal, tundun made sure tunde is in UK legally, has a good job because those are the things her dad looks for. Is it high time, she tells her dad what she thinks of him or should she continue to allow him to dominate her life as he's been doing for the past 23 years


Any suggestion for this friend will be highly appreciated

@ funke
that's was a good one.
from your little story i think it's time tundun moves ahead with her life, for God sake her dad can't marry her, she must know that-----
What a mum indeed telling her to remove her engagment ring so her father wouldn't see it, it is also a shame to the mum--- the father must know that she is no more that little girl he would order anywhere, she is now a grown up girl that can take disicision on her own so she also must overcome the fear of concealing it from her dad, she should be bold enough to tell him and then face the repacaution.
Thanxs

THANKS Marlet,

It's my story.  Though i'm not asking for pity.   I'm just fed up of him dictating me.  Your advice is appreciated

you will one day have to tell him about it so i feel the sooner the better, then you let it off.
let your dad meet him without knowing about the engagement(might send him over the moon)
visit, family dinner. sth creative
introduce them and watchout for his reaction
break the ice slowly and i am sure it should work out
you do not one day just get up and tell your dad you are engaged

try thus out and lets see what happens and i am working on a plan B

To paraphrase you, you mean i shouldn't tell him i'm engaged yet. Should just tell him about tunde. Isn't that lying? and trying to hide my man. Do you think i'm too young to be engaged?

Feed him the truth little by little.
best keep your mother out of it.

A girl of 23yrs old is not too young to marry. Maybe the dad has some other plans for her (promised a friend's son).

Anyways,she should just take it easy and don't allow that to affect her studies.Whatever is hers will definitely be no matter the obstacle the fathers poses.

Tunde should relax and count on the trust of Tundun.Its well because it can only get better.

i am not saying you should lie because your dad is not going to ask you if you are engaged to Tunde, feed him the truth in bits
it will make it easier for both of you
and a lot of people younger than you are happily married

and what is tunde doing? If i were i WILL DEMAND she keeps the ring on her finger and follow her to Nigeria to tell her father we are getting married!!!

So NairaLand don turn into HINTS

Uche2nna:

So NairaLand don turn into HINTS

haha,

Tundun, go and tell your father about Tunde and I guarantee you he won't freak out. Men like to put up a strong front but all that is just a front, he can't tell you who to marry and who not to marry especially at age 23.

braveheart

Thank you so much guys. I'll be going home on tuesday when i'll tell my dad about tunde, i'll take mamaput, tmoni and kaylala's advice and just tell my dad about tunde and keep the engagement out of it for now. I'll keep you informed.

I'm betting he'lll go off the rails when i tell him (hopefully not!!!!!)

Once again, thanks

Wishing you all the best.Remember don't be rude to your dad.

He will eventually see reasons with you and comply.

Regards.

Chances are Tundun is just scared and her dad isn't as strict as she's making him appear.

If you think so

I've met lots of girls that are like that. I don't know why it happens but the men tend to get softer as they (and the kid) get older.

she should stand up and fight for what she wants

@debbieolat and funketobi,

I have a somewhat different advice!  From your post, Tunde is ready to wait till you graduate before getting married.  So why don't you wait some more before telling your dad about Tunde, since you have a strict dad?  This is not trying to hide him.  I won't advise you to be rude to your dad at this stage.  It's just not necessary.

Rather, go ahead and develop your relationship with Tunde.  There are lots of healthy things you two could do at this stage of your relationship that telling dad should not even bother you yet, regardless of what mum thinks.  Learn more about each other, go for counsellings together, concentrate on your studies, have the best of courtship, bond together and prepare for your marriage!

Remember dad still pays your school fees.  What is the point of grieving him now?  Most dads are very possessive (and maybe jealous) of their daughters, including me!!  Also, he feels you are still young and will rather prefer you to concentrate on your studies right now and not telling him about an engagement.

I have a father-in-law like that!  Guess what?  He was the last to know me, and that was after every one in my wife's family have already met me.  I met him very close to the Introduction ceremony!!  At that point, he was too elated to meet me!  Meanwhile we started the relationship when I was 21 and the daughter 19!!!  What do you think would have been his reaction if his daughter had introduced me then?

Wisdom is profitable to direct!

Cheers and have a wonderful time.

Thanks for all your contributions. To Donzman - I'm not scared of my dad, i just don't want to be rude to him as that will make me a bad child and a bad role model for my siblings. And to Analytical - dad's not paying my school fees but i still respect him nevertheless. The decision still stands, i'll just tell him about tunde and take the rest of analytical's advice. Anyway, graduation isn't till 2008 (july) so will continue with my relationship. We go for counselling at pastor's place once in a month and i'm the one making tunde wait as he has a good job already.

I appreciate your wisdom guys. You rock!!!!!!!

for every reasons, she gotta let her Dad know, at least for benefit of the doubt.

put on her ring and go face the dictator. wateva he does or says does not end the world but at least help her make decisions and knows where she stands.

all the best to Tundun and Tunde, double "Ts"

I agree with u

Both my father and mother are strict when it comes to boyfriend isuue, i was really really scared of them on that issue. I dare not invite any guy home, a guy that tried it was embarrased beyond words. 

But when i met my man and we had decided we wanted to be together, i was scared of telling my folks too, but i just summoned the needed courage and told mom first told her not to tell dad yet then later told dad.
They didnt take me serious, but i told them i was serious about him and have decided i want to spend the rest of my life with him.
Told mom one day that my friend was coming to say hi to them, couldnt face dad but mom helped out there to my surprise.

It was a whole lot of questioning and stuffs but afterwards dad came to the kitchen to tell me to prepare my boyfriend smthg to eat and made him feel at home.

My bruv called me and said, i think dad's fallen into your friend's trap because i heard him telling his friends on phone that his daughter brought home her future husband, i couldnt help dropping some tears, because i was really scared of it all but to my surprise they told me they loved him as a son already. 

Am23 years old as well.
So debbie, you'll just be fine, you'll be surprised your dad would show a different reaction. he'll be happy because you are happy.

who is the lucky guy?

kaylala:

who is the lucky guy?

@Kaylala You'll have to pay me a million dollars to know.

Ok,whats your account number?

lol

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The cure for a strict father has always being to learn to speak your mind despite whatever he might do!
Yes, she should keep her mother out of it cos if it taking her 2mth to pass on the inform it would take forever to face the guy!

Suggestion:
Visit the father when they would both be alone.
Cushion the gist but come out straight, expect "the rage" but should stand;
she should be ready proof that she should know what she is saying and believe in it.
But it usually not easy

I will like to thank you guys for your intelligent advice. I couldn't go home on tuesday but went on wednesday. As God would love it, my dad was off work for two days in a row but then my fear caught up with me, i did not speak to him on wednesday night, thursday morning, i came online again and read all your encouragements so i summoned the courage and told him I would like to see him. Guess the first question he asked - Are you pregnant? I just smiled! If only he knew Im still untouched but he'll never know.

Anyway, after parabulating, i told him that I've started seeing this guy and i'll like them to meet. He asked all the questions I was expecting - status in UK (If he wants to use me to get his papers), what profession he is into. All these I explained, then he asked me to call my mother.

To my utermost surprise, my mum pretended as if she's never spoken to tunde in her life and asked where he's from and said "study each other very well and see if it will lead to marriage" I was shocked but did not say anything.

But my father said i should let him know whenever i want to bring tunde down to london to see him.

This is the story of my life.

I'm happy for you debs, that's a step forward, an hurdle crossed. I guess you feel relieved within you.
I knew it wouldnt be a big deal like u think it will, told u both my folks were strict but they know when it's right to chill out. Most fathers only want the best for their daughters.
I bet he'll be so so happy, might not show you he is but i bet he is. My father couldnt hide it though.

Keep the love growing!  girl

when parents get too strict with their kids and make it difficult to discuss certain topics, it does'nt help anyone involued in the matter.
the girl goes ahead and still get a boyfriend without the parents knowledge and would be getting advice from friends who may not give her the best advice in the circumstances as her parents would do.