Sterope:
Everyone will gaslight the children that it doesn't affect them

God forbid the man becomes am poorbecause years later and he doesn't have much to his name, people will then expect the first wife's children to bear his responsibilities of the other wives children because they have the same blood.

The man always ends up poorer than he should have been, because money he should have saved, he spent maintaining multiple homes.

Infidelity is expensive! It causes confusion.

Even King Solomon in the Bible, was confused and weak in his old age.

Even those Northerners, you don't want to know what happens in their families. You're just seeing pictures on social media, it's because we don't understand Hausa and move in their circles. Some of them will be in the same school yet not talk to each other during the term.

Curtis003360

By the time I was born, all the fights had ended. So I thought everything was nice and fair. As I grew up, I started hearing the horror stories. Now, I can't have any good memories of my father. And I feel sympathy for my stepmother because she apologised to my mother for the pain she caused us.

Curtis03360:

No one is saying they owe anyone shit but we’ve seen homes where they all look out for each other and about the trauma, it’s their mother to bear and if they want to share in her pains so be it…..same reason I said it could be their coping mechanism. I never needed their help nor would cause for it

It wasn't just their Mother who suffered, they suffered too.

Have you seen a man in infatuation and lust? He destroys everything to get the Other Woman. His wife will be in misery, his kids hurt and confused as he directs his entire attention to the Other Woman.

Imagine having a father who is angry at you that you want his attention to pay schoolfees, when he wants to be spending that money on a woman whose smiles mean everything to him now.

Imagine having a crying mother losing weight and sleep, as she watches her husband leave her. She's going to every church, mosque, looking for solutions. Her pain is great, she's lonely and heart-broken.

Meanwhile, your father is in a fog, happily kissing and dreaming of another woman. He's dressing for her, whenever you remind him of his existence, his face changes in annoyance (you are reality and he's in fantasy land).

When he gets the other woman pregnant, he's delighted and acts like this is his first child ever, his older kids are staring at him with the hurt, confused and pained eyes of emotionally abandoned kids. Their mother's sullen acceptance is their morning and night view.

And in all this, your father and that woman DON'T CARE about the pain they're inflicting, infact it makes their love sweeter.

That's exactly what happens in Affairs. And Affairs are what leads to Polygamy.

Yet, here you are, being callous and selfish, demanding affection from people. When your very existence reminds them of the horror they went through because your mother and father were wicked, selfish people. Your words certainly show you're your parents' child.

I grew up in a Polygamous home. At least my stepmother had the decency to apologise to my mum, decades after inflicting evil on her.

You don't owe them an apology. They don't owe you affection or even acknowledgement.

But put yourself in their shoes and always approach them with humility and empathy, rather than entitlement.

That was what worked for my stepsibling and my mother blessed him (he's still reaping that blessing till now). The rest collected the prayers of a broken-hearted woman and well...Karma doesn't ever forget an address.

Your step siblings owe you nothing.

It would have been nice if they like you guys, but your existence came at a high price to their mother.

All blame lies on your father, a married man who was entitled and cheated, and your mother, who decided to join a married man to cheat.

Face these 2 squarely. Leave traumatised children who grew up into traumatised adults alone, in peace.

And for the rest of y'all: Polygamy never pays.
Even the so-called Happy ones, it took decades of fighting and forgiveness to calm everywhere.

Thinkingtru:
UPDATE

I sincerely want to thank you all for your kind support and contributions.

I’ve made another attempt to have a conversation with her, but unfortunately, there’s still no progress whatsoever. The kids have been asking about Christmas, and when they spoke to her, she said she doesn’t care and has more important things to do. They came back to me, and I tried to explain to her that, for the sake of the kids and the spirit of Christmas, we should at least communicate and make an effort to resolve things.

However, after I finished speaking, she simply walked away. I’m completely at a loss. The kids are looking to me for some excitement and joy this Christmas, and I’m struggling to find a way forward.

Plan Christmas with the kids.

Ignore her for now.

Start making plans to leave in the New Year. Make plans for getting custody of the kids via the courts. Prepare that it may be a high conflict separation.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know your pain. Focus on healing, it will be hard and you'll fall apart several times. If you can find this handle on X, vickiscrafts, contact her and she'll link you up to me so we can talk offline.

I'm so sorry for your pain. Life is not fair. But the sun will rise on you and your children.

Well, I was told recently that passports can be replaced, especially if they are fresh passports.

Go to court and file for sole custody. You can replace the passports as they're fresh with no visas.

Because if you don't, like the first reply said, he can accuse you of Child Abduction.

The court here will look at your finances, ages and sexes of the kids and well-being of the kids. So get a good lawyer and prepare your documents.

Once you get sole custody, you can travel or better yet, travel first and then establish yourself and come get your kids.

If he wants the passports, he should request them in writing. When it comes to high conflict divorces, it is best to have everything documented. Because one party will be making up stories to suit their narratives and will be so convincing with the lies, only God and evidence can stop them.

Bhus21, how far, any update?

You seem like an interesting guy. How are your kids?

Thinkingtru

Has she ever seen a psychologist or a psychiatrist before?

Sit her down, tell her:

"You're hurting me. You're hurting the kids. You're hurting yourself. This all needs to stop. We are going to book an appointment with a psychologist and each go for Individual Counselling. After that, Joint Counselling. Depending on the results, either we do Marriage Counselling or Divorce Counselling". Yes, Divorce counselling and Mediation exists abroad now.

It is not a request, it should be a demand.

If she refuses, start making plans to leave. Speak to a lawyer. Speak to the kids (without blaming her or making them take sides), you'll need to find out if you're going for full custody. Yes, you can get it if you prove she's hurting them mentally.

10 years is a long time and none of this is normal.

Please, don't let any of us diagnose her with any nonsense medical condition. We haven't met her, we only have your word for how she behaves. She needs to get professional help, so do you. Only then can you guys get an answer.

Praying for you, and your family.

Dtruthspeaker:


Translation.
She is saying "Ignore the cheating so that your marriage would not scatter. And that you should not come to nairaland so that people do not tell you the truth that even she too knows which is your wife cheated!

Oshey, Universal Translator.

Getright247

The reason I'm advising caution is that I've seen suspicions spiral out of control and destroy lives. And the story you told, sounds suspicious but there is no proof. I believe in intuition but I also know that we see what we want to believe.

A man started suspecting his wife of infidelity and his coworkers and friends told him "all Lagos women dey cheat!" (Lack of boundaries will let you listen to the whole world rather than take careful advice from people who love you).

His wife got pregnant and the man spent the time terrorising her and being cold. After the birth, his madness increased and he went to do DNA test at one rubbish lab. Results came back negative. He came home, beat the wife and threw the baby on the floor. The child got hurt. Marriage ended.

A year and a half later, the mum posted the boy's picture on FB. A relative contacted her and begged her to bring the boy to the UK. They conducted another DNA test against the boy's paternal uncle: positive. Then they called the father and asked him to come to the UK and conduct a 3rd DNA test: positive.

That man till today, is regretting his entire life. The coworkers and friends who were giving him advice and doing "Universal translator" are nowhere to be found. None of us are living your life with you.

Bro, I've seen a lot of people destroy their lives very easily.

I don't condone Infidelity from any gender. But what you've posted is circumstantial at best.

Ask her outright, let her know there are issues in your marriage. Decide on fixing it.

If she confesses that she did, please go ahead with whatever you decide.

Getright247

I understand your confusion, me too I'm confused

It looks like something happened between them but whilst you may be right in your suspicion, you may also be wrong. Infidelity is selfish and heartbreaking and you need to make it clear to her that your trust in her is damaged so neither of you should do anything further to hurt your marriage.

All I'll say is that she's definitely not cheating with him NOW. Their behaviour shows that clearly.

Even if she has cheated, you need to understand how you'll take it: will you end things immediately or forgive and rebuild? What about kids? And if there was Infidelity, was it one-off or an affair? Is she willing to put in the work to fix things, will you want to revenge on her, what if she's innocent? What if something did happen but it went no further than emotional?

Please, your marriage needs help. Look towards your parents and find a marital counsellor who has some experience with immigrants, to help you.

And stay off Nairaland because these ones will scatter your marriage for you.

Odafe360:
I've never rub the infidelity on her face, i forgave totally. Though from time to time, I feel the pain but never reminded her about it. When she packed out, there was no issue at all apart from when she threatened that she will leave because of a very trivial issue.

You're a very good man for forgiving her and accepting the child. God will bless you, he's your son. A father is the one who raises the child, not the sperm donor


Now, as for your marriage, put it on hold for now. You guys have issues. You need Marriage Counselling, separately and individually. But Counselling requires two willing people to work, not one. So make arrangements for it but don't tell your wife.

Now, buy a phone for your kids and give them to contact you freely.

Sit down and think "do I want to continue this marriage?". Really think. You need to speak to your marriage counsellor now about that. But don't speak to your wife.

Like someone rightly said, she should be doing her best to earn and keep your trust after a huge betrayal. That has to happen.

Try not to take too much advice from Nairaland, you're speaking to a lot of angry young men who will lead you astray. Look through all our profiles before accepting our advice.

Our favourite Separated, but won't go to court to Divorce, Refused to pay upkeep for his Daughters, Accused his wife of cheating over messages, Meanwhile He was fooling with Other Girls, Moved in with His Girlfriend but Wanted his Wife to remain Faithful, Uses Nairaland to Soothe His Ego rather than Take any Good Advice...

Is back!

Yay

Meanwhile, what is everyone doing for Christmas? Lagos State is organising Christmas Villages with fun and games, admission is free. The venues are lovely.

If I hear of any other fun activities for the family, I'll post it.

Fenrir:


Not Nigerian but when you've been visiting 20 years and date from the County you pick up the fucking languages you utter fool

Fenrir:


Why? When my white uncircumcised, fully tattooed and pierced gbola fills her perfectly

Yup, this is a Nigerian man catching trips with us

Ducks, ask your cook (as you're a baller in Ikoyi) to buy you fresh ones, the chicken sellers in the market will have a farm plug.

Or check Renee's supermarket for fresh dressed duck. If not there, there's a supermarket on Admiralty (can't remember the name) that sells different types of meat (I used to buy lamb there).

Fenrir:


You dont even know why Africa is a 3rd world country its not your economy, its not your way of life

Its because of the cold war

1st world all countries allied with America

2nd world all countries allied with Russia

3rd world all countries not involved

And who says shes broke?

Who said i met her in Nigeria?

I said i came because my daughter asked to, this amazing woman chose to come back with me as she works remotely so all she needs is a laptop and her income is not naira

So please stop judging by your standards and the way you think

Oya, no vex.

Truth is, the Rule most of the time is what most of us see. It does seem you're the exception.

Congratulations to you and your future wife. I'll go modify my post now

And I'm sure I know why my country is shite, I chose to move back to it in the glorious hopes that things would turn around, but alas...

Fenrir:


And i was a royal marine

And unlike you nancy boys we will fight for other countries taking bullets for people we have never met and will never meet just to protect innocent women and children

And let's just stay on topic please. Because whilst you believe his majesty's military was running around the world, fighting for noble causes, I would hate to bring up what British forces did (and probably still do) in Kenya to innocent women.

You guys have quite the reputation there.

.

Fenrir:


After a life war killing and fighting for countries that are mine she puts me at peace and i make her feel safe, secure and loved

I'm not saying you don't deserve happiness, everyone does. You're not hurting anyone (well done for taking care of your late wife during her cancer).

I'm glad she's signing a prenuptial. Protect yourself. Make sure she never comes between you and your daughter.

Women from 3rd world countries are usually survivors and are tough as nails.

There's a saying in Igbo land: "if you're going to eat a frog, eat one that has eggs so at least there's some benefit when people call you a frog eater".

Congratulations on your marriage, dude.

.

Both of you need to meet halfway.

Compromise and communication are the backbone of every marriage.

Best start practising that now.

Tell her to reduce the number of relatives showing up in exchange for either the wedding of her dreams (or even better) the honeymoon of her dreams.

The traditional rites are important, but Nigerians love their egos, her uncle wants to flex his at your expense. Ask your future wife if that is what she truly wants, to see you humiliated for that man's ego.

It's her life, not her family's.

Or you can go the devious way and get her pregnant and suddenly act like you're about to bail on her. It's a shotgun move, but it usually forces everyone to calm down and be reasonable.

So painful!

I wish she had a support system, even the local mosque she attends or Nigerian community to rely on.

The Nigerians in the UK are not very communal-minded, everyone is in their own enclaves and mind their business. Even when they form groups, it's rarely to help out but how to benefit from taking advantage of one another.

Nigerians are not very helpful in general.

If she was Indian, a family would have taken that toddler in.

We need to do better as a society.

Here's a link for BTS shooting on a Chinese drama

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DBgyN1_IQlW/?igsh=MWd2azR3bno3eThibg==

There's a line that says "an actor is making love to the camera", it's literally true

Also, one last story:

My friend divorced his wife who was about 7 months older than him, to marry a girl 11 years younger than him.

She had Daddy issues, he is a Mummy's Boy.

The only person happy in that marriage was his mother, as she was finally able to fully control her son and his wife (since they were both not emotionally mature). His Mother was very instrumental in supporting her son to scatter his first marriage, because the first wife was strong-minded.

It didn't matter that they had 3 kids. It didn't matter that the first wife was the one who helped build up her son and push him to success. She was a Stay At Home Mum with a small business, the new babe had one cushy job. So of course, infatuation made her husband call his first wife a "liability" and forget all the things she had done and only remember the things that were bad.

Now, the first 3 kids are superstars and the new wife is jealously stalking the ex-wife's page to try and pick up tips on how to be a better mum.

First wife is balling now. She's moved on finally.

Hubby is there looking for guidance and not trying to be under his mother's thumb. He quietly told me recently that he regrets leaving his first wife.

Mama is very pleased with herself. She finally gets to rule the roost of her son's home, she has power she never had in her own marriage, there.

But now the second wife's own mother is now ready to fight for her child and has said she's moving in January 2025.

So both mothers are about to clash.

And this is a very common story.

Mosdiii:


Thank you very much for the advice

Let me share more about why your mum and I may be on the same page, concerning the age gap.

Because I've experienced it.

My relative had that type of age gap and it didn't matter that the wife was from a wealthy educated family in the 1950s, she was still unsophisticated when it came to her 15 years older husband who had schooled in the UK. It ruined her self-esteem and she withdrew emotionally for decades. He spent his entire marriage cheating on her with older women and more confident women.

Think Charles and Diana.

My friend, 14 yrs age difference with his wife. He said the first 2/3 years were very sweet, but it eventually became boring. His friends would visit and he will ask her to excuse them because it felt like a younger sister was hanging out with them. He said he was happy when babies started coming so it would keep her busy, and give him space. So his ego was getting pampered and he also got distance. Win for him, not for her.

I see several of these types of marriages around me. And those women are usually the ones cheating with their young boyfriends. And yes, married Nigerian women cheat well.

Same thing happens with older men and young babes in Lagos.

Me, I was 41 and a 62 yr old was on my case. I am an extremely intelligent and exposed woman. Yet there was nothing I could say, no wisdom or insight I could drop to impress him. He had heard it all in his 60 years of being on this planet. And he was one of Nigeria's big men, so there was no gift I could give him to make him feel loved. It was almost a Father-Daughter relationship with se.x.
If I had married him, he would have been bored shitless with me.

No self-assured 20-something wants to be married to someone over a decade her senior, who came with baggage of a kid or 2. Not unless she has insecurities or money issues and is looking for a father-daughter relationship. So you'll start out being her hero and stroking your ego. Then as she gets older and more confident, you're ageing and she stops needing you emotionally. So she focuses on her kids and you lack companionship. And that's several men I know.

You can't grow with her and no, you can't nurture her. She doesn't want it (I'm a woman, we're very strong-willed particularly after we've had children, which is a life-changing event).

Your age mate is about 3-5 years older or younger than you. You have things in common. There are insights that she can see, you can't. And vice versa. You grow together.

Companionship is more important in Marriage than anything else. And true companionship starts when the marriage is at least 4 years old, prior to that is the honeymoon stage.

Plus. You're a single dad, you have baggage, she's fresh out the box. She gets pregnant, you're paying for baby items and then getting ready to pay for secondary school (shey you know that schoolfees increases with time, uni being most expensive).

You don't have breathing space to plan with your new family unless you're loaded and even at that, she'll resent it because that money should be focused solely on her and her kids.

Also, you need to parent an older child as well as young kids, not easy. It requires patience (if they had given 26 yr old me a child of 10 to care for, we would hang out for a bit then I would disappear on her because kids are a lot of work). And if you try and force a bond, resentment breeds. And guess where that resentment will go?

Yes, others have done it. But it wasn't easy and required maturity that no 26 yr old can summon up by herself.

So have all this in mind.

Mosdiii:


I am facing the same problem with my mother. I am an only son although I have two sisters. I married early and had a daughter via that marriage although unfortunately that marriage was dissolved because of so many issues. Now I am 39 years old and I have found love again with a 26 year old beautiful lady but my mum has refused me getting married saying why I am in a hurry. I'm so angry. She said if I must marry this new girl she will not come for the marriage

Bros, I support your mother.

That babe is too young but lust and infatuation won't let you see road. 13 years ago difference is not a joke and you don't want to enter and meet another gbese that you can't leave.

Let her stay for a while and vet her thoroughly, how well will she become a Stepmother. You need to think with your head, you're a package deal o.

Young people tend to not be as patient as older people.

Vet this babe.

Mindlog:


He won't get off Nairaland, he will constantly create threads on the same issue every Eke market day and call on the moderators to take it to the frontpage for " wider view and inputs"......he is all about attention-seeking and get his highs from his threads, never about their daughters.

He really doesn't want to be a father or a husband. From the get-go, it was obvious. Especially when you realise he ended his marriage over a flimsy reason and deliberately made a mountain of a molehill. He wanted freedom to play a single man and only wakes up from his irresponsibility and remembers his children in between young, naive babes

He just doesn't want to admit it. Whenever hes judged in real life by people who see through his ruse of pretending to be responsible, he rushes here to sew thread and get his ego stroked that "he's not a foo.l, he's a MAN, he's amazing and that woman is evil".

Let one young girl start giving him sympathy in real life i
or even here, he'll quickly point her to these threads as proof he is a "loving father" whilst removing her pant.

And she will foolishly believe him and get chopped until a wise person points out his inconsistencies.

If he truly wanted reconciliation and his family back, he would have been sitting down in his in-laws parlour by now, making amends.

He could have spent Christmas with his family and be reconciled by Easter 2025.

Nope, by then he'll have another "virgin" (young, naive) babe in his bed and when they break up, he'll resurface to sew thread about getting his daughters back.

I sincerely pray for his ex-wife, may she meet a responsible man who will love her enduringly and committedly. May her life and new relationship be blessed.

Mindlog:


His plan is for his aged mother to be their care givver, his girlfriend(s) can also chip in.😂😂😂

He's a dunce.

In 20 years' time, he'll come on NL to wonder why his daughters don't like him in his old age.

He's still refusing to take good advice. He's waiting for people to continue telling him "na MAN you be! Seize dem! Punish that bvtch!! You'll be driving in your prado jeep, see her on the road looking wretched, splash her poto-poto water and be laughing with your beautiful new babe!!".

Reality is always much more painful and regret gets worse with each passing year.

Just a shame. I pity the poor little girls.

Wo, nobody should answer OP.

He'll just ignore good advice in favour of bad, ego-stroking prideful advice from:

1. NL boys who are suckling babies at Andrew Tate's nipples

2. NL men whom are unhappy and will project their bitterness

3. NL people whom are giving Afodot0022 horrible advice that they will never take themselves in a million years. They're using him as experiment to show their children one day and say "see? Only stupid people are that easily led, you better listen only to your elders or you'll end up like that man".

Since you refused to take sensible advice from people who wanted you to spend Christmas at an eatery together as a family, you'll be doomed to spend it alone. Or worse, with a babe who's only there with you because owu is blowing outside. And you'll be feeling empty on the inside.

And the horrible thing about regret is, it gets bigger and worse every year.

So, let's discuss something more important as we wait for those 3 groups of people with their bad advice to show up and OP happily take it so his ego gets a boost.

Is there any nice and clean beaches heading towards Festac-Badagry side? What's the road leading there like?

Stricker321

PS: let me add this, as an older woman.

Biologically, women's sex drive increases with age. Because we're socially conditioned to view sex as dirty, we spend our teens and 20s being ashamed of sex. By your 30s and 40s, that shame is gone and our hormones are actually pushing very hot.

Speak to older women, Dr's and sex store owners, their biggest clients are wives. Not single girls. I can tell you the names of the best sex vendors in Lagos. My very spiricoco friend can give you prices of intimacy gadgets off her head.

Menses feel more intense and so does Ovulation. The week of Ovulation for me is always horrid, I could jump a man daily. . Far too many of my friends discovered porn in this age (let me tell you this very honestly, if that Balthazar guy comes to Nigeria, he will beyond busy. Even me I watched the video and told my older sister "don't watch those videos, you'll faint with lust".

Heck, I watched one briefly yesterday, love that guy so many wives are secretly watching them .

Yet they're not sleeping with their husbands. Ask yourself why a Hot woman is not banging you. After years of neglect and disrespect on both sides and telling her "don't look at my phone if you don't want to cry".

And decide if you want to believe she hates you or if you want to fix things and be enjoying your lustful, hot, incredibly sex.y wife.

Also, Men in their 40s tend to have their libido taper off (which is why they start exercising and having their midlife crisis and drinking all sorts). Y'all actually need more help medically.

By 50s, women get hot flushes and the period ends and libido tapers. But if they go to a Urologist, they can get Estrogen to normalise things and resume business. Men then need Viagra.

Old people have a lot of sex.

Have a good one.

PS: sexual incompatibility is rare, saying this because I'm related to a Dr who treats it (it's usually medical or psychological). There was a white guy who said his ex-wife was frigid. Years later, he met her new man and was shocked to find out how hot his "frigid" wife was.

Some people know how to drive cars, others just have driving license and can move a car.

As for the physical aspect of sex I'll say this: Naija men are crude farmers, everything is a hoe to then. They literally "smash" and fall asleep in 2 mins.

Sex should be like driving a Toyota camry: you start the car, warm it a bit, then move to 20km/hr then 50km/hr before you enter express with 100km/hr. Slow to medium even strokes, gentlemen, not using the force of Sango, Amadioha and Thor to brutalise person's privates.

You got this, boys 🤟🏽

Gerrard59:

I am glad this topic came up because you have always lampooned men for "cheating", but have never explained why a woman would use sex as a weapon against her husband. If she even agreed to ora.l sex, I can say she don try. But why is everything the fault of the man even when sex - tied to his hormones and prevention of prostate cancer - is now weaponised? How come the man is ALWAYS at fault in your opinion?

If OP has a pot belly or does not perform fore.play, that is his fault, but supposedly he is fit, trim and performs fore.play, how is it his fault? I am genuinely curious, why the Harvard and Oxford writeup for a man whose wife has weaponised sex to the point he has to beg for it?

Morning, bro.

I noticed you tend to jump on some of my comments wanting a debate.

Sorry, but I don't have time for that, as Life is short (for both of us) and my days of debating on NL were over a decade ago.

Everything I wrote and my reasons for saying them are stated clearly in the write-up. Literally mentioned in 2 paragraphs, very plainly. And there's no mention for blame of one party or the other.

That's all.

Everyone, have a great day

Stricker321:


Look, there's no time for these long stories, what is all this about? Just to have sex with my wife?

Yes

If it is too much work for you, please go ahead and do what other men do. Short-term pleasures and quick fixes. Hurt your marriage and home. Side chics plenty and in this Tpain area, the billing will not have Part 2. You'll regret that money wasted by next year, when you need it.

Sha know that when you're 65 and you need help being reminded to take meds to keep you alive, there will be no friends or NL to follow you into your home.

Or put in the hard work now into your marriage and enjoy your Wife-Baddie-Bestie-Lover-Confidante till the day you die. Be whispering sweet nothings after sex and still be able to tell her your inner problems and insecurities in bed and watch her pray for you, the way no side chic can EVER pretend to. See men openly eyeing your Wife-Baddie but be unable to Balthazar her because you're drilling her at home and she's so satisfied, she wants to finish you with love.

Plant a tree today and sit under its' shade one day in the future

Your choice.

All the best.

Stricker321:
How do married men cope with this situation? My wife wants sex like max of once a week. If she can even reduce it to twice a month she will do it. Even the once a week is usually a struggle. At night, she will say she is tired, in the morning, she will say I am disturbing her sleep.

This has caused quarrels, we have discussed, but before the blink of an eye, she has returned to her old way. I am determined not to sleep with another woman, but the struggle has been terrible.

I am just wondering why it has to be this tough and stressful to have access to my wife?

There's this 40 year old book that says "Sex Begins in the Kitchen"



Please read this


Her lack of sexz drive could be stress or anxiety. But it is most likely related to the state of your marriage.

Onegai:


Bro, because you haven't started cheating, please let me share some tips.

She feels EXACTLY the same way you do, about you. Like if you dropped dead, she'd cry but also be relieved.

Now, you have 2 choices:

1. Blow up your marriage.

Seems easy but I swear to you, you'll regret it when you're older. Even if you do cheat and stay, she'll know. And I'm telling you as a woman, we can hold grudges till we die. If you want to be 65 and terrified of trusting a woman who has been angry for decades about your behaviour with your old age, pray continue like several other men.

2. Fix your marriage.

Sounds hard, but take my advice and in 6-9 months, you won't be on NL talking like this. You'll be grinning in delight, your wife will be your babe once again.

To achieve no.2, turn her into your side chick

You're the man, the marriage takes its temperature from you (even biblically it is so). Fill her emotional cup (it is empty, so she can't pour into you). Love her. How so?

- sit down and make a list of everything you are attracted to in a woman. Ask her to make the same for her ideal man. Exchange the lists. INTENTIONALITY.

- spend time and attention on her. If she watches kdrama, ask to watch one with her. Forreal. Kdrama has horror, suspense, political, love, marriage, thriller, action and sci-fi. Which means, you can actually watch something with her. Then make her watch your stuff with you. AFFECTION.

- date night: every weekend this December, find somewhere you and her will go to. I can give you tips sef. ATTENTION.

- send her a link to a men's wear vendor and ask her to pick what she likes you to wear. Then buy it and wear it. Now do the same for her. Down to perfume. Pay for her manicure and pedicure. Whatever you like, you lead by example. VALIDATION AND TRUST.

- every time you see a fine girl outside, text your wife. Tell her "I was just thinking of you". Chat her up. If she's on social media, it's because YOU DON'T TALK TO HER SO SHE'S LONELY IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND IS FINDING VALIDATION ONLINE. And there are several Balthazars in Nigeria (they just don't record it ). So be chatting your wife up, gossip, gist, funny jokes, se.xy talk. ATTENTION.

- Spend some money. Be it sexxx toys, lingerie, ankle chain (you'd be surprised what she likes). Books, whatever. AFFECTION

- Pray with her. Wake up and find a prayer on Pinterest, personalise it and send "Iremide, ....". LOVE AND CARE.

- tell her "Iremide...I don't want to just lead you, I want to be your king. Be my Esther. Look good for me. Please let me pamper you. Let me solve all your problems. The problems you solve yourself, share them with me, so I can praise you. Stain my eyes with your beauty and shake my mind with your wisdom. I love you". Tell her this twice a week. LOVE AND GUIDANCE.

- Look at your flaws and start correcting them. If you can't change, then neither can she. Change starts with you, not with her. Read that again. Go and read the bible, God is very clear whose He holds responsible for the health of a marriage. Change starts with you. SELF-REFLECTION AND RESPONSIBILITY

- Remember, you're the Head of the House, it's actually your job to lead your marriage. The reason so many marriages are unhappy are because men are being irresponsible and women are doing their jobs. RESPONSIBILITY.

There is no such thing as a submissive second-in-command who does all the work whilst Dangote stays lazy. Read that sentence again.

Do this. Work on yourself. Don't expect quick fixes, but start this December (I fit drop list of restaurants and hang outs. Come back and testify next year. Sha don't get pregnant o, because the last couple who did all this, surprise last baby at 46

So, it's upto you. Make your choice.

All the best

Oga, she is in JSS 1

There is PLENTY of time for her to explore her career choices and make a decision for what path to take in university.

And bear in mind that even what you study at uni may have no future bearing on your career path, as I've seen Doctors become successful financiers and Engineers become great bakers.

So please free her. Let her push her Math skills some more and polish up the English skills as far as she can.

zed7:


All that talk of using money to buy loyalty and affection doesn't work. What happens when the man no longer has the zeal or funds to keep impressing the wife?

A good marriage is by luck, whether you like it or not. Most people are just enduring their marriage with no true happiness.

The difference between a Wife and a Side Chick is that one made a commitment to you, when you were growing and the other didn't make a commitment to you but met you, when you were grown.

So you can buy one with money. And that is your side chick.

I come from the generation that saw their fathers marry their side chicks as 2nd wives and every single one of them (walai, I can even bet crypto on this) regretted it. Including my dad and every uncle who did it. It's why my generation of men and the generation before them will cheat but will never leave their wives, we all saw the mistakes of our fathers. It's also why my generation will divorce but won't remarry. I had uncles who remarried and most weren't happy.

Your wife's loyalty is tied to the commitment she made. And when you see a wife who isn't loyal, then she's a bad woman.

A lot of marriages are not happy and it is sad.

There's this account I see on Instagram, @iamdennisagbeti and Pastor Femi Lazarus. If husbands and men can watch their videos and implement just 30% of what they're saying concerning the role of husbands in marriage, I swear to you, your happiness will be complete.