slimyem: Even if the op gets involved in the matter or tries to talk to his dad,It won't stop the infidelity. Like he said, a man of that age certainly knows what he is doing and is aware of the consequences that come with his actions Mother and Father should be left to deal with issues like this.


However,Pata1, don't neglect your mum and holding unnecessary grudges. She has enough to deal with coming from your dad. She should at least have you as a shoulder, a listener, and a comforter in some ways. Most mothers want the good of their children and I believe your mother is one of them. You have just really misunderstood and misinterpreted her actions and inactions over the years.

Even if your mother's contribution to your life and education was 0.01 percent,it is a lot. Some would give anything to have far less contribution from their mum. Some would give anything to just have their mum alive and well like yours is.
You are a man now and even though the road was a little rough,you got through it somehow. Cut her some slack please. Love and b e there for her as much as you can now that you still have her. All you said about her is nothing to grudge about.

Thanks for your response. I am trying to bridge that gap now.

[quote author=Chaulay1][/quote] Thanks for your response but dont you think you are unnecessarily being paranoid ? I said it is not my right to call my parents to order. Is that a crime ? You may be confortable rebuking your own parents but as far as i am concerned, what they have made out of their marriage I repeat is non of my business. For crying out loud, they are my parents and the fact that I have to rebuke them as you suggest is an anormally. They are the ones who should be laying down good examples. Anyway, my reason for not wanting to interfere in their marriage especially as it involves the issue of fidelity is because I understand that the issue of faithfulness between a couple is a personal thing. For the record, we do not even have enuogh proof although we are sure he is involved in extramarital affairs. When it comes to couples and their sexx lives, a child is not the right person to adjudicate. I do respect my parents and I accept non of them is perfect. They are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions therefore, i can only be optimistic that they live a responsible life. i cannot force it on them. The decision whether to speak to him should be a choice I have to make and my decision whether to do that or not ought to be respected. stop being unnecessarily drammatic for christ sake and my posting back on this thread was to give the posters who had earlier adviced me a feedback. Thanks all the same.

[quote author=Chaulay1][/quote] Thanks for your response but dont you think you are unnecessarily being paranoid ? I said it is not my right to call my parents to order. Is that a crime ? You may be confortable rebuking your own parents but as far as i am concerned, what they have made out of their marriage I repeat is non of my business. For crying out loud, they are my parents and the fact that I have to rebuke them as you suggest is an anormally. They are the ones who should be laying down good examples. Anyway, my reason for not wanting to interfere in their marriage especially as it involves the issue of fidelity is because I understand that the issue of faithfulness between a couple is a personal thing. For the record, we do not even have enuogh proof although we are sure he is involved in extramarital affairs. When it comes to couples and their sexx lives, a child is not the right person to adjudicate. I do respect my parents and I accept non of them is perfect. They are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions therefore, i can only be optimistic that they live a responsible life. i cannot force it on them. The decision whether to speak to him should be a choice I have to make and my decision whether to do that or not ought to be respected. stop being unnecessarily drammatic for christ sake and my posting back on this thread was to give the posters who had earlier adviced me a feedback. Thanks all the same.

Thank you everybody for your contribution. I have done as you all advised, I have made sure to call my mom everyday of the week for close to two weeks now since you guys said I should call her. I wasnt able to call her yesterday though due to lack of power on my phone. The issue is she has not even called my number for once since I started calling her. I do not intend to discuss anything with her about the reasons for her hostility. i was prepared not to call her number for a year if it came to that initially but due to the advise that I got on this forum I decided to honour you guys. And about wether I betrayed her trust, I believe whatever is happening in my parents marriage is not my business. As long as each of them live up to their responsiblilities as father and mother, I feel it is left for them to sort out each other as far as spousal issues are concerned. They are both adults and whatever they have both made out of their marriage honestly is not my business. I am sorry if I sound harsh but I do not intend to intrude that was why I politely turned down my mothers request that I speak with my dad about his promiscuity.

Efemena_xy:

Questions:

1. Were you in a boarding school?

2. So did your dad drop this money with you and your siblings? Or he gave everything to your mother??

i never attended a boarding school. He works in another state and comes home once or twice in a month therefore the need to drop money for us when hes gone.
And it does nt matter whom he drops it with cos even if he drops it with us children, we cant be left to keep a months lunch fee by ourselves. We will eventually have to give it back to our mom for safe keep when hes gone.
And then when we have to collect it in the morning, the deduction starts

My dad has always worked in a different city so he comes around once in a month or twice depending on the distance and ofcourse while going he drops us children money for feeding in school for the duration of the period he will be away. Thats different from the money he drops with my mom for daily running of the house of course. So i was referring to the money we were given for lunch in school by my dad. By and large I have learnt so far that nobody is pefect and my mom is probably being affected by her own upbringing too which I personally consider as abysmal. Her parents were very wealthy but found it hard to spend for their children. Even when they were young and as we speak, they have houses scattered in my moms home town with nobody to administer. What am trying to say is that, my mom may be affectec by that negative impression her own parents gave. I am not whining like some have opined. I am only trying to put my hurt away cos sometimes i wonder how my mom could watch me go through the pains i go through when she could have made life alot easier for me by spending just a little. I dont expect any body to know how it feels so I will never be offended if you think I am just being an ingrate.

Ujujoan: @ Poster . . .

1. You are not too young to act like your Dad's insensitivity towards his marriage to your mum is none of your business. Your own mother came to you with her problem and you turned her down . . that's cold!

True, your Dad is 55 years old but he behaves like he's 35 . . . Does he really know the dangers of infidelity or is he being deceived by the society's culture of 'looking the other way'

Does he know how his actions affect you, his children? I think you are man enough to tell him . . .

2. Most mums are thrifty by nature . . . I don't even want to begin with my own story. Women in the past were led to believe that the man has 100% of financial responsibilities in the home. She's kind enough to even add extra pocket money for you, mine didn't even bother.

Also you mentioned that she's a pensioner . . . why do you think she'll want to spend her pension money on you while your own father squanders his earnings womanizing, especially after you refused to do anything about it. Not trying to justify her actions here but you can see that if we want to, we can excuse ANYTHING! So trying to blame your dad's womanizing on your mum is waaay off base!

3. You are a 25yr old man . . grow some balls. Where is your self respect as a man? Getting into petty quarrels with your highly emotional mother, who has to deal with a philandering partner every day of her life is a bit petty! Have you ever really talked to her about how her 'thriftiness' has affected you? Holding a grudge against her will only create a wider gap between you two!

4. I can see you still have a conscience so NO, you are not a 'bad child'. You can still correct your mistakes . . . Better late than NEVER!

Thank you, Ill do the needful.

Efemena_xy: @OP, at 25 years of age, you're no longer a child but an adult AND expected to act like one.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with your mother confiding in you, and asking you to at least have a word with your father. She was simply seeking emotional support from you which you hastily shirked, so it's no wonder she's disappointed in your actions and decided to play out the silent card on you.

Sometimes when dealing with conflict, rather than having a full blown-out argument with the other party, most people would rather have a sort of independent, unbiased mediator chair the conversation rather than bring in biased family members. You've already ascertained that your parents relationship with their siblings leaves much to be desired anyway.

Additionally, it never ceases to amaze me, this gimmie-gimmie culture from Nigerian youths. Do you not think that at your age, rather than begrudge you mother for not spending her money the way you wanted, to please you; you should be the one earning your own living and contributing to help her now she's in her mid / later years of life? Even if she never 'spent' money on you the way you expected, was she not there physically, supporting you emotionally? Do you measure the supportiveness of one's parents to their kids based on finance only? There are several ways to support your child and money is just one of many. It's not the be-all-and-end-all.

From what I've heard about civil servants / workers, their pay from the government isn't that much anyway, and your parents had what? Four of you? Did she ever disclose to you how much she earned and exactly what she spent her money on? Did she provide you with an income / expenses sheet that broke down how and what she spent her money on? If not, then it really isn't your place to judge her as being 'thrifty'.

Believe it or not, as a working mother, a large chunk of my earnings go towards the different investment options I've set up for all of my kids. I don't believe in laying all my eggs in one basket. I've got a varied range of investment vehicles for each and everyone of them ranging from your simple, no risk savings accounts, to medium risk government bonds and high risk stocks and shares in venture capital market businesses. So yes, you win some and you loose some. It's no different to what your mum tried to do i.e: setting up businesses at one time or the other which as you've eloquently described as 'wasted ventures'. Give credit where it's due. At least she tried to make a go of it.

Now let's recap on some of your angst against your mother:



Now take a step back and look at the highlighted bits in bold. What does that tell you about your attitude? Your come across as a person who even at 25 is willing to sit back and blame his mother for life not turning out to be what you expected. A gimmie-gimmie, I deserve this, I deserve that, I deserve it all.

What would you say if I told you that as a married woman, I footed the bill for my masters degree alone. I worked and saved up for it. And even while undertaking the degree, I had a number of children all under the age of five. I was working part-time, schooling full-time AND heavily pregnant with the next child! So, if I a woman, (the weaker sex) could hold my own, then who are you, a young man, not to be able to do better?

Please, give your mother a break and grow up jare. Pick up the phone and apologize to her for your behaviour and until you do so, you really are a bad terrible child. You're lucky to have parents that support you. Show some appreciation and quite holding malice with your mum like a spiteful teenager.

There is an old African saying: "Never let the sun settle on an argument else you might live to regret it in the morning..."

Your mother is here now with you. Pick up the phone and do the right thing! Shikena.

THank you so much, you are God sent. Though I feel you were unnecessarily harsh on me and I believe your angst was as a result of you being a mother yourself but, i still appreciate your input. Thanks for your time and contribution.

@greatgod and @dammie, thanks. And can I just request that the moderators and morderatresses not put this on the front page ?

PLEASE NO FRONT PAGE. THANKS.

jidegirl12: Hey buddy! First of all , the earlier the better you get it to your brain that you are responsible for your own actions the better and stop blaming your parents and their sibling failed relationship pattern to cover up your unacceptable behaviour.

Second if all, you too like money, it's soo sad you base your relationship cordiality on monetary gain cos that's simply what's happening here, so what if your mom is cripple, Gawd forbid would you condemn her and ignore her because she's no use?

Change your attitude , she's your mom no matter what the circumstances , I like money oh don't get me wrong , but I don't live for it even tho it get things done faster and makes life a whole lot easier,STILL there's nothing valuable like family especially your parents.

In conclusion, you're not bad, you are just on the path of being a terrible person and thank Gawd your conscience is eating you up already so theres hope for a change and the earlier the better you change your ways.

Repulsing yourself from less privilege people ONLY because of their financial status for your own benefit don't only paints you BAD , also GREEDY and A MONGREL too , there's a whole lot of good a person can be without money.( I think .... just kidding , I'm sure bout that )

Scratch that


That being said, there are bad and terrible people with bad intentions out there so don't get carried away, the advice is only applied to your parents.

In summary I am truely a bad child and cos my parents are what they are, my parents that makes them always right and I do not have a the moral stand to allow their behaviour and choices affect me in any way wether they are right or wrong. I need to work on myself then

Hey people, I am a bit disturbed now. I could use some very thoughtful advise.
k, I am 25 and come from a christian family with some challenges. My dad is quite comfortable and earns well but he is a womaniser by all standards. He tries hard to hide it from us though but as you know walls have ears so we know and the bad thing is that this has rubbed negatively on peoples impression in the church. Besides these, I think he is a good dad trying his best to get a better life for we his four children. On the other hand, my mom is the self righteous, christian woman. I took so much after her and unfortunately we not best of friends. I am a student in nigeria but I have spoken to my mother now on phone its been close to 2 months though my family is based in the next town from my school cos am in school now. Its not that i do not feel like talking to my mom but I am a bit stubborn and i got this attribute from her.

My mom complained to me of my dads infidelity like 3 months ago and asked me to speak to me but I declined. I told her that was a suicidal thing to do knowing fully well my dad is not a kid, well educated and well travelled too. i told her his decision to womanise was not down to naivety and its a choice he is fully aware of the consequences so itd be quite ridiculous sitting him down and lecturing a 55 year old man on the dangers of marital infidelity.
A week later was the beginning of a new month and i sent the same text message to my dad and mom thanking them for their support. I mistakenly forgot to change the "Sir" to a "Ma" on the message I sent to my Mom. My mom called back shortly to tell me albeit sarcastically that I mistakenly sent the message I intended for my dad to her. I made to explain that my intention was to send the same message to the two of them but I forgot to change the "Sir" to a "Ma" that it was an oversight.
She hung up on me and that was the last time we conversed till now that I am typing and this is heading to three months now.
Before this incident, I had struggled to get along with my mom all through my period in college and even now because my mum is what I call "too too thrifty".

I am using the word "thrifty" now for want of a better word. I bet you cant know the extent of what I mean. As a child going through high school, college and now studying for a higher degree, I can boldly tell you that my mom have never given me beyond a cash of 2000naira (two thousand naira) when returning back to school and most times, she does not even give me a penny. My mom retired from civil service a little less than a year now though my dad is till working, I make bold to say that this thrifty nature has been around us since childhood. When I was much younger and not until when I went to college, my mom would split my upkeep into two and keep half telling us children that she was teaching us how to save and helping us to save for our future. It wouldnt have mattered if she had truly re-invested all that money back into my life when it really mattered but It doesnt even seem as if she believes she holds any financila responsibility towards us as children. My dad has paid 99.9999% of all the money that has ever been expended on us as children especially towards our education. personally, I feel this behaviour may have contributed towards my dads indiscipline and promiscuity although I am not trying to excuse his irresponsible behaviour here.

I lost a scholarship lately for my masters and had to make do with a poorer choice due to my moms lack of financial commitment towards my education. My dad had so much bills to pay and he did tell me to hold on for another year so he could come up with it but i declined knowing how hard itd be for him. My mom fully aware of my dilemna at that time did not offer to contribute a single penny despite being a civil servant herself.

I needed to write all these so I could get objective criticisms and suggestions.
Right now I feel my mom has done irreparable damage to my psyche. My dad too is not excusable because his philandering has made us children to be unnecessarily vulnerable and I am very aware of the attendant consequences but then, I am not as bitter as I am towards my mom to my dad.

I find it difficult to believe that my mom truly love us as her children seeing she prefers to invest her money in questionable business ventures and most which end up being a draining pipe and leaves the money wasted.
I am very troubled now because I feel I should speak to her but for two weeks now, I have found it really difficult to dial her number. She is also silent and obviously trying to play the "I am your mother Card". Its a shame that the relationship between mother and child could be so severely ruptured but the guys, do you honestly feel I am just being paranoid over nothing ?
Lest I forget, surprisingly both my parents too especially have terrible relationsips with their siblings too and I mean my uncles now. Its so bad that i cannot identify any of my cousins from both parents side.

Its like my family has always survived on a charade and that deciet is getting to me. I find it really difficult to commit to a relationship myself and as I am preparing to enroll for a Ph.D degree now or start working (either way) i am miles away from being in a relationship. I am a sweet guy that ladies get attracted to me easily but in the long run, I break their hearts with reckless abandon and this is out of my fear that my own family too might probably descend into the abyss.
The point here folks is this, Do you guys think I am a terrible child for not calling my mum ?
I feel repulsed dialling her number so am I to blame and please forget the suggestion about talking it out with her. I have spoken all these to my mum several times although in a more diplomatic manner but nothing has ever changed. what should I do ?

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