RightToReject:

The aura is always different when you see someone as an object of utility to achieve a self-interest desire or project your needs on them compared to when you see them as someone to selflessly and honestly pursue a mutual bond.

Michelle55:
I can't really judge from your own version of the story yet until the man has said his own version, we know how one sided story feels like and you've already painted the man as a bad person.

Secondly, we do not need the tribe of you guys to give advice but you mentioned that just to instigate tribal war and that's not a good move, tribes has got nothing to do with how your partner loves you.
You were always on his case and he was beginning to feel suffocated already, you need to understand that some men needs time to finally let things like relationships sink in before swinging into action, anything can happen within two months. You mentioned he just got divorced, the more reason why you need to be more of a friend than a lover to him even if he's insisting on a relationship, just let him know that you would always be there for him until he's fully ready to move on. Some people's previous marriages are hell on earth and you need to understand that it might be difficult for them to cope with just anyone else until their heart is ready.

You're not wrong to want things done in a certain manner but you should let him lead the way, the purpose of visiting you was forfeited when you started with the direction stuff, you should have allowed him make a mistake then you guys can share a healthy laughter about it. Afterwards, just playfully tell him to consult with you next time on direction matters if he doesn't want you guys to get lost, it's not your message that upsets people sometimes, it is how you pass the message (tone) one can pass a bad message but it will still sound melodious only if you know how to use your tone. So my question is, how did you tell him about the direction?

Now to the main issue, why would a grown ass woman finds it easy to block and unblock just because you don't like how he reacts to your message? What happens to taken some days off to cool off and then revisit the topic again in a calmer mood? You made it sound like you were the Saint and he's the bad guy for breaking your heart but in the real sense, you've been the one doing the breaking up from the onset. It's time we stop playing this victim's card and face reality, instead of having a heart to heart talk you resort to blocking him and if he calls you offline, you then unblock. What the fvck is wrong with you?

Which man wants to settle for a woman who isn't decisive or knows how to handle problems when it arises? You said he's divorced yet you can't give him benefits of doubts just to find his footings again around you, I'm sorry but you pushed him away without realizing it. Once you form the habit of blocking him just because you can, that's the moment you put a dent in the so called relationship. It's not how long you've stayed single that matters but how well you treat your partner in the next relationship you find yourself in.

Most importantly, BE NEUTRAL AND BE YOURSELF! Never force a relationship to work, if it's meant to be trust me it would be.

Michelle55:
I can't really judge from your own version of the story yet until the man has said his own version, we know how one sided story feels like and you've already painted the man as a bad person.

Secondly, we do not need the tribe of you guys to give advice but you mentioned that just to instigate tribal war and that's not a good move, tribes has got nothing to do with how your partner loves you.
You were always on his case and he was beginning to feel suffocated already, you need to understand that some men needs time to finally let things like relationships sink in before swinging into action, anything can happen within two months. You mentioned he just got divorced, the more reason why you need to be more of a friend than a lover to him even if he's insisting on a relationship, just let him know that you would always be there for him until he's fully ready to move on. Some people's previous marriages are hell on earth and you need to understand that it might be difficult for them to cope with just anyone else until their heart is ready.

You're not wrong to want things done in a certain manner but you should let him lead the way, the purpose of visiting you was forfeited when you started with the direction stuff, you should have allowed him make a mistake then you guys can share a healthy laughter about it. Afterwards, just playfully tell him to consult with you next time on direction matters if he doesn't want you guys to get lost, it's not your message that upsets people sometimes, it is how you pass the message (tone) one can pass a bad message but it will still sound melodious only if you know how to use your tone. So my question is, how did you tell him about the direction?

Now to the main issue, why would a grown ass woman finds it easy to block and unblock just because you don't like how he reacts to your message? What happens to taken some days off to cool off and then revisit the topic again in a calmer mood? You made it sound like you were the Saint and he's the bad guy for breaking your heart but in the real sense, you've been the one doing the breaking up from the onset. It's time we stop playing this victim's card and face reality, instead of having a heart to heart talk you resort to blocking him and if he calls you offline, you then unblock. What the fvck is wrong with you?

Which man wants to settle for a woman who isn't decisive or knows how to handle problems when it arises? You said he's divorced yet you can't give him benefits of doubts just to find his footings again around you, I'm sorry but you pushed him away without realizing it. Once you form the habit of blocking him just because you can, that's the moment you put a dent in the so called relationship. It's not how long you've stayed single that matters but how well you treat your partner in the next relationship you find yourself in.

Most importantly, BE NEUTRAL AND BE YOURSELF! Never force a relationship to work, if it's meant to be trust me it would be.

SimplyFacts:
Only a fool would quote the long epistle you put up there.

Take heart.


By the way, I don't know why my male-detector device keeps beeping while I read your post.

cryingeyes:

Tribalistic - I only mentioned the tribes, as I thought it was an important bit to include. I'm not tribalistic and don't think I know what it means to be. We communicated in English and I once told him I wanted to learn Ibo so we could communicate in it.

I did worry that maybe he was getting into a relationship too soon and needed time to heal from his marriage or get over his ex-wife. His separation started last year and the divorce is yet to be finalized this year, but he had told me he was in a ldr with a girl in Nigeria last year after his separation started, that only didn't work out because of her parents, that he was fine with being in a relationship with me. I wanted to keep being friends and take our time getting to one each other, but he had asked me twice over the phone to be in a relationship with him. I agreed to be in it the second time he asked me, but even then I wasn't ready to meet him, as I'm shy and have never met anyone from online before, but he was eager to meet. I wanted to continue as we were doing, getting to know one another, and wait till June to meet, but he kept saying we've no excuse not to meet now because we're in the same country. He booked the flight anyway and I didn't have a choice but to meet him.

I gave him lots of space. Before we met he would say we weren't communicating enough and always wanted to talk on the phone (being an introvert, tbh I didn't always want to). It was new to me but I didn't mind as I didn't have anyone to talk to before. During his visit he also told me he wanted us to communicate more, so I'm not sure why he suddenly switched after the visit.

Direction - I only asked him to "please keep going straight because it's faster this way and that "I would tell him when to make a right". He was already driving in the direction I was asking him to go (straight) and I told him I would let him know when to make a right because I would get off soon after that right turn. That was all I said and gently. With the other direction we were following on the GPS, we would make several turns and it would take longer to get to the destination, but when I realized that the direction he was already driving in was better and faster, I told him and thought I was doing the right thing, but he decided to lash out at me. I said "Please" and I was very gentle with how I asked. He knows I'm quick with "pleases" and "thank yous" (sometimes when I would say "thank you" and he would ask why I was thanking him, as he didn't find it necessary).

Blocking - This was my way of responding to my unhappiness but at least I didn't get angry or yell like he would. The last time I blocked him I told him I would stop it and that I had only done it because I wanted his attention, which was true.

cryingeyes:
I never sent him filtered images. I sent him some photos and we did a video call once. It did cross my mind that maybe he had changed after the visit because he wasn't attracted to me but he always said he was. I had changed my hairstyle before we met and thought that maybe he didn't like it but he told me he did and mentioned on his own that he was attracted to me but maybe he wasn't being honest, idk.

Michelle55:

You think all men are after sex bah? I disagree, it's not all men that are he-goats, you only think of sex if there's no other ways you can have fun with your partner. There are so many things you can do with your partner that supersedes sex, you only offer sex as a mean of having fun if you are blank and your fun vibes as a lady is dead. Know your worth and stick to it, we still have people who date without having sex in mind so I strongly disagree that sex is the cause of the breakup.
Just because he travelled miles to see her does not mean he wants sex, there are women around where he lives that he can easily have sex with but he choose to take the risk of visiting her, that's a man who wants something meaningful and true. He changed for a reason and that's what I want the lady to tell us and not sell us this sob story of hers.

Magnoliaa:


Speaking from experience?

cryingeyes:
I met a guy two months ago. He's a Nairalander but not an active one. He's Ibo, while I'm Yoruba. He's 40, I'm 33 and approaching mid-30s next year. When we started talking we realized we're in the same country outside Nigeria and he just so happens to live in the city I've been wanting to move to, which we thought was an interesting coincidence. This city is a 3-hour flight away.

We would talk on the phone almost daily. A month later/early last month, he asked me to be in a relationship with him and I accepted. I told him about the things I've been through. He promised to love me unconditionally and never leave me. We never argued once. I thought I had met an amazing man with all the qualities I'm looking for. I don't care so much about the physical but I thought he had all the characteristics I want in a man. Until we met in person two weeks ago.

Fast forward to two weeks ago he came to visit me in my city. I went to welcome him at the airport and was so happy to see him, although being an introvert (which he knows) I may not have shown it that much outwardly but I told him and thanked him numerous for coming to see me. He rented an AirBnB to stay in. We kissed passionately that night (no sex - I had told him I'm waiting for marriage) and I fell for him all the more. He's the second man I've ever kissed and great kisser, at that.

The next day we were going out (he had rented a car for a couple of days) and that day he was taking me somewhere and was to pick me up later that afternoon). In the car, all I did was ask him to go a different route that would get us to our destination faster and was an easier route than the initial one, and he got angry and flared up that I'm asking him to go another direction, I should know he's not used to driving in my city, he doesn't want to get into an accident. He just went on and on chastising me over something I felt he should've been appreciative for since he could get back to the AirBnB faster and go back to sleep. I couldn't believe he was the same man I had been talking to on the phone, as he had always been calm during our communication prior to meeting. I didn't know he had a temper but I was seeing it at that moment. When it was time for me to get off, I said "bye" to him and he ignored me, then zoomed off like he was in a racecar. Thankfully it was an empty street. I cried and sent him a text not long after that he should have a safe flight back to his city because I wouldn't see him again because of how he had just treated me. We exchanged texts back and forth, he was angry about my text and said something about wanting to take the next flight back to his city. I asked him to call me to talk things out and he refused, that I should call him if I wanted to talk to him. I called him and he was upset about my text. I didn't want him to leave and hurridly took a $45 taxi ride to meet him at the AirBnB. I apologized for my text and he also apologized for his behaviour. He said he was falling in love with me and didn't know what to do. We talked but he was still sleepy, so I lwent to watch Tv on the couch while he slept on the bed. When he got up, we watched some Tv shows and movies and then went out later to get some food.

The next day, I prepared some food for him, from my place. Before meeting I had mentioned to him during a conversation that I like to cook and wanted to cook for him. I told him I don't like being single since I've to eat all the things by myself and wanted someone to cook for and he said he couldn't wait for me to cook for him. He had also told me he pays people there to cook for him, so I wanted to make some things for him to last him two or three days. We were to meet a few hours later, so I spent those hours cooking: fish pies, fried rice, lamb, shrimp. I had also bought two things for him and took those along with the food I hade made for him. I had to make sure I give these things to him, as he was returning to his city the next day. When we saw again that afternoon, the first thing he told me was that his ancestors don't eat lamb, which he had never told me before. I felt he wasn't appreciative of my efforts but he later managed to say thank you. I wanted us to go somewhere that afternoon but he didn't want to go, so we just watched tv. I spent the time and again, no sex; he never pressured me and had said he would wait till whenever I'm ready.

The next morning, for some reason it skipped my mind to follow him to the airport and say goodbye to him there, coupled with the conversation the previous night about him not wanting to be late, I thought he would be better if I didn't follow him there to say goodbye. He had mentioned not wanting to be late for his flight the next morning and I assumed this meant it would be better for me to not go with him to the airport to see him off there. He dropped me off at my place (we kissed and said goodbye in the car), then he headed to the airport back to his city. I sent him texts both on WhatsApp and on his phone to have a safe flight, told him I appreciated him coming to see me (I had also thanked him several times throughout his stay) and told him "someone's missing you already". He replied with a smiley and we we sent a few texts back and forth, mostly about him waiting to board the flight.

After his visit, the relationship wasn't the same. He would reply my texts hours later, saying he was sleeping and with only a few words. It was during a conversation a few days later that I got to find out he was upset because I hadn't followed him to the airport to say goodbye and I thought 'omg'. It had skipped my mind the morning he headed back and again, with the conversation the night before his return, I thought perhaps I shouldn't go with him. It was simply an error of thinking of my part but one I felt awful about. I apologized to him and told him how bad I felt bad now that I realized I hadn't gone with him to the airport to see him off/say goodbye to him there. It now dawned on me why he was giving attitude in the car that morning on the way to the airport. He kept singing to the songs on the radio, which was fine, but I felt ignored. At one time he asked me a question and before I finished answering he cut me off and started singing again. When I found out this was why he was upset days later, I tried to explain that it wasn't intentional, that it had skipped my mind and if he had just told me or reminded me in the case, I would've gone with him. The airport is close to my house, so it wasn't as if it was far or I had any reason for not going with him, other than it skipping my mind, perhaps because I had misunderstood the previous night's convo, but he barely heard my side or even let me speak because he was literally yelling at on the phone. A few days later I sent him a text asking if his heart was still in the relationship and he called me right away that it was, we talked, then he sent me a text that he cared about me, which was reassuring.

We didn't talk much after that call or he would barely respond to my texts, but days later I sent him a text asking what we would do when I visit his city. As stated above, I wanted to move to his city prior to coming across this man but had some doubts about moving there, which I shared with him when we started communicating. He had invited me then to come stay with him for a few days to check out the city to enable me to decide. He has an extra room in his apartment that I would sleep in, but I was hesitant and changed my mind about this a few times, which annoyed him. During his trip here I accepted the offer. He never asked for sex throughout his stay, so I was more confident that I would be safe staying with him for a weekend. He said I had to pay for the flight ticket/roundtrip (about $300) myself and I told him okay. Back to the text about what we do during my visit: I had asked him this because he didn't want to do much during his visit here, granted we're technically still on lockdown and most places are closed but we could've gone to some other places - he didn't want to. I also asked because I knew he would be tired from his night shift job and would sleep during the day, or work his second job that he also does during the day when he's not sleeping. I didn't want to visit him and just sit at his apartment without going anywhere, as he would either be at work, or sleeping. His responded 3-hrs later was a "zipped mouth smiley" and didn't bother to say anything else. I felt he should've said something and not just send me a smiley. I sent him a response that I may not come there if we aren't going to go out and he replied with an "Ok". I know he was upset by that and thought I was changing my mind about visiting him. He had wanted me to move there to grow our relationship, but he didn't talk to me after that text. I felt he was slipping away and I couldn't pinpoint why. I blocked him, and I admit I did block him on two previous occasions when I didn't like his reaction to things but he would either call me outside WhatsApp to ask why I blocked him or I would later unblock him that day, apologize for blocking him and we would start talking again. I know he didn't like the blocking because he said his ex-wife also did the same anytime they argued. He was seeing every communication as an argument and I didn't get it; I wasn't sure how to communicate with him anymore because he just started overreacting to things, especially after we met in person. I felt at times he was projecting whatever happened in his marriage towards me, like anytime I asked him a question to understand something he would see it as a argument or a back-and-forth, while I would tell him I was just trying to understand him or the discussion and I always told him this. Last week I sent him a text telling him we should decide if he we should continue the relationship and he didn't respond. Two days later I texted him that he should've responded but I got his response from his silence, called him abusive, fake/pretentious because he was a totally different man from how he had portrayed himself over the phone and I thanked him for showing me his true colours. He responded with an "Ok" and that was the last of our communication.

I'm heartbroken and have been trying to figure out what went wrong. Before him, the one relationship I've been in was almost a decade ago and when we started talking, I told him this, and that he would have to be patient with me because I haven't been in a relationship in years, that I'm still a learner as far as relationship goes and he should always tell me if I do anything wrong for us to work it out. He told me he was in my life to stay and wasn't going to leave me for any reason. We had talked about getting married and how we want to raise kids, even asked what type of ring I want. I told him I'm not particular about any, that it's the thought that counts and he said if he gets me one we could always change it later. I'm not desperate for marriage and never been one to jump into any relationship. He was the one saying we would get married and wanted to marry me. He was previously married (his marriage ended last year, no kids) and currently finalizing his divorce papers with his ex-wife who left him and returned her bride price back to his family. I never judged him for being previously married, but always encouraged him and would tell him I was proud of him (he works two jobs), sent him an online card last month on his 40th bday, praying for and encouraging him. I don't know his address, else I would've sent him a gift, as I'm very giving and love buying things for people. When we first started chatting two months ago and he told me about a problem of his, I sprung to take a photo of the perfect solution for him so he could buy it for himself to use, which he bought and did thank me for because it works. Anytime he would tell me about a problem I always offered solutions or suggestions to help him out. I was always ready to share ideas with him and tell him things I know that he may not. Idk what else I could've done to show him I cared. Idk if he met someone else but I do know he chats with other women on Whatsapp, though he says some are married and they're only friends.

I'm hurt. Because I finally let a man into my life again only for him to leave me in pieces. Because he never meant the promises he made to me. Because I feel like a fool believing he would never leave me like he had said. Because I miss him so much and don't know how to console myself.

I'm about to be single for another 10 years, but I just want y'all to tell me where I went wrong or what I did wrong.

Sorry for the long post. I just needed someone to talk to.

Pls, don't quote the post (I may delete it later).

All this long epistle for a 40yrs old man with so much baggage, just under two months..... .
Your sanity is very very important, get it back!

Diamond23:
All this long epistle for a 40yrs old man with so much baggage, just under two months..... .
Your sanity is very very important, get it back!