I wouldnt agree with cutting them off.because yes parents are so important and cutting them off can be something you'd greatly regret at some point...but you also need to grow.have a life of your own,make plans and execute plans for yourself..you can be selfish now because you have tried.but while building up yourself,try sorting them something. Maybe 10k a month for thier upkeep ..you are not obligated to any bill,just take whatever is left out of your own necessity in a month,and let them know respectfully that you are not bouyant when the ask for help.let them know you are still going through debts....but dont cut them off....they are still your parents afterall and dont forget your siblings too.if you planned to give parents 10k by the end of month,if your younger needs help too,you can split the money amidst them and let them know why you did that..

This is exactly the same problem Olunmercy56 is facing right now. Being a first burn is not easy in Nigeria

ibechris:
This is very shocking and honestly,I can't imagine a young man like u going through this crazy journey and still come out strong. Now that u have finished paying that debt that made u lose ur job,I say kudos to u.

Without mincing words,ur father misused the money he was paid,what is paying tithe,buying music equipment,I mean was he owing the church abi is ur family owing the church?

We Africans have this terrible mentality, in fact I don't think ur father is more religious than me and that is the more reason why we should be careful. He has more pressing needs but he could give out the huge sums just to see his family live in a puritanical conditions.

As Africans,u can't run away from ur parents,rather learn how to say no when necessary and do it without hating them,although it's annoying and damn crazy. But take note,that ur dad is not financially literate and situations like this will often be and is likely to continue if drastic steps aren't taking now that things are still manageable before it goes completely bad.

Same thing that was on mind.

I have no issues with his stories until I read HE PAID TITHE AND BOUGHT INSTRUMENTS.
I should have called ur dad a compound fool but I won't .
Why is his church not there for him now. If u dont have the balls to call a spade a spade and define it with ur dad. You may not do anything with your life.
Drop mic.

Dairy of an average first son.
Bro, na who stand dey carry person.

I know it must be Ibo. I do not understand ibo parents at all. In the last story, a whole family of like 7 members want to chop from the bride price of the only girl and still ask her to come and take care of the parents house chores. Now, it is another family mounting pressure on the responsible first son to take over the responsibility of the man. I mean what the heck is wrong with ibo? This entitlement nature amd the bullying....hmmmm. This is why you see them in different things. If I pray God should have given these parents useless boys like the other family, I am wishing this boy bad. Imagine grown up boys depending on the bride price of the only girl they have. That annoyed me.

This is serious. If this boy cuts them off, the whole world will know. After he gets married, the parents will make the innocent girl the enemy who charmed their son to not take care of them again. This boy has nust started as it is not going to end soon.

I think this guy needs to run out of Nigeria. That is how he can have peace and rearrange his life. But the good part of this boy will not allow him because he is just too nice. I know people like this boy. I refuse to mention him cos I dont have solution to his challenge as I do not want to poison his mind towards his parents. Honestly, I dont know what to tell him, other than, he should keep praying to God for direction. The parents are his hindrances. They will spread bad news about him to everyone that he will find it hard to exonerate himself. And knowing how ibo takes marriage, they willl wait for him at that time to show him pepper. So, I think he needs to just run away from Nigeria to escape them.

May God help him.

Depressed101:
i am a first born also, and was always treated like this, it was my uncle that called me one day and advised me, that despite the emotional attachment I have with my family, I should be giving them shishi right now because I don't have a foot on ground financially, and I am young, he lectured me and told me that "do you know that if you die today, this your family crying to you will still find a way to feed themselves?" I was amazed with statement because it is true, he advised me to most of the time say there is no money , that they will not die, that they will surely find a way around their own problem, that this period is a period to build my own life, that will be proud of or ashamed of, that if I fail, I alone will bear the brunt not them.

I think you should take this advice because it worked for me

Don't ever forget that your uncle because he gave you the best advice no one will ever give to you. He means well for you.

Back to the op take this particular advice from here and move on it's never late

I can help you talk to your dad if you don't mind.

enemyofprogress:
This is exactly the same problem Olunmercy56 is facing right now. Being a first burn is not easy in Nigeria

Bro, not in Nigeria. Being a first son is not easy in Igbo land. Simple. Na dem dey do this kin rubbish.

chinasaekpere:
Hello guys, this is a very strong decision I want to make, I need your help to make this decision or not to. I am thinking of cutting my parents off because they have caused me enormous financial setback as a result of the bad decisions my father made. Firstly, I will like to give you a background of the story.

I come from a family of 4 and I am the first child of my parents. My dad is a retired federal government worker, he worked for many eyes as a school cert holder (so obviously, he didn’t hold very top position until he retired, probably the max in reached was level 8 or 9). He trained me through the university and he retired during my NYSC, at this point one of my brothers was in the university (he never graduated because he was nonchalant), my 3rd brother was a jambite and the last born was in primary school. The Jambite graduated this year and the last born is now a jambite.

In 2013, my dad retired and received gratuity worth several millions. My mom tried persuading him to build a house in the village because we are Igbos but Based in ogun state but my dad refused and insisted that he was going to develop his land in ogun state by building a 4 flats building (up stairs) then start business with the remaining money in Ogun state (apparently, he got the revelation from church to do that), he never completed the house. My dad is very religious until date, so out of the money he paid tithe, bought instruments for church and made some donations. Immediately I finished serving, I got a job with a pharmaceutical company as a medical sales representative. I was receiving a salary of 80k with commission. Things started great. I served some money I joined my dad in some of his fish farm business, I was in Enugu while he was doing the farm business in ogun state. When it was time to harvest the fish, I was told stories about theft, I spent 700k on the business but was able to recover 200k because I had to help him offset some debt.

To cut the long story short, my dad started having serious financial issues, couldn’t pay school fees of my last born in school, had several debts just about 2years after collecting millions as gratuity due to his wrong choice of investment. Ofcourse the financial burden transcended to me, until a point that my dad got into trouble from another debt, he spent church harvest savings that he was suppose to remit. I was paying my brothers school fees worth 150k per term, i had to take money from company’s account to help him offset the debt hoping that he would pay up and I will pay some before company finds out. The whole financial burden was so huge for a starter like me, owing to the fact that I lost all my savings to the fish farming business and I also had to pay house rents in Enugu and pay other bills.
I accumulated a debt of 1.2million with the company and then is started paying it by bit until the company found out that there was a deficit of 400k. I was arrested and was in the cell for days.
To get out of the cell, I had to sign a legal agreement for a payment plan of paying 30k monthly to offset the debt. Luckily for me, I got a 60k job 1month after, my dad couldn’t pay my last siblings school fees, I took him to Enugu and started Paying his bills. I was also paying 30k from my salary every month until I paid all the lost the job again during the heat of the recession. I managed to pay up that debt.
Since 2018, I haven’t really done any serious job, I started driving Uber in 2019, saved up some money, my mom needed money for business last year, i borrowed her, she couldn’t complete the payment. The car I was using to do the Uber got bad again.
I had to look for a remote job now in Lagos, I saved up money and learnt how to do footwear, i Am saving some money to pay my house and shop rent and get machines.
Last two month my dad called that he needed money for my brother’s school fees so he can complete his SSCE exams. He promised to payback mid last month, now I have not seen the money and my that was my house rent I borrowed him. My house rent expired in August. I called him, and ofcourse, he is playing the emotional game. Now, they are in serious financial mess and they seem not to want stop dragging me into it and it’s not as if I am doing great myself. I am not, I’m struggling to make something after mortgaging a lot of time paying several debts. It is overwhelming.

The point is, I am 31years old, I’m looking forward to making my own family and it seem if I am not careful, they will drag me back from this objective. Anytime I try to organize myself, they come up with their monetary problems and it hinders my growth. My plan was to get a shop and equip it before the end of first quarter 2022 from the saving I made from my current 80k salary and now they have collected my house rent in form of a loan. That’s a drawback again.

I have to make my own family, I need to shed some burden to be able to do that. I also want to be a parent and I never want to depend on my kids in my old age.
Should I cut them off?
If no, what do you advice that I do?

What is your second born doing?

You can't really cut them off, it's unfortunate your dad made a very bad financial decision... I have seen a lot of retirees going through that lane. Why will you collect your gratuity and the next thing is to build a house for yourself instead of investing the money. No be everybody go be landlord... A house you didn't build while active in service for 30 years, you now want to use the little gratuity to build it... O wrong nah.


My advice, do not loan them any money again..... Keep them on a monthly allowance according to what you can afford and start planning your life so that you don't also end up like popsie

I understand you very well, and may God continue to bless you as you remember your parents. We should never really think of cutting off our parents, they are the God we see, I think you should learn to say you don't have sometimes, you can help when you have, but you shouldn't feel pressured to. May God bless you enough and increase your income so you can continue to look after your parents the way u would love to

chinasaekpere:
I think I have to stay away for awhile to focus on myself and making a family. What do you think?

I think this would be the best thing for you to do under the present circumstances. It can be for a short duration. That's because you've demonstrated that you don't have the will power to say no to them (even at your own financial detriment) whenever they approach you for money.

And believe me when I say they'll still be fine without you. They'll find other ways to solve their financial challenges without your input; you'll be surprised. It's time you get out of the picture to focus on your own life. You've tried. That decision might actually do them some good as well. Perhaps they'll become more financially disciplined. All the best.

Questions:
What does the scriptures say about honoring ones parents and long life? Remember it is better it is said that you didn't do enough than that you didn't do at all.
What happened to the house he built? Is rent coming in from this? If yes, let your mind be at rest, they can't starve,
Must you tell them you have gotten a new job? I assume you are a bachelor, well dependents usually assume bachelors have no needs.
What is your sibling in University doing to help financially? There is dignity in labor, let find something doing.
Most especially seek God's face.

chinasaekpere:
Hello guys, this is a very strong decision I want to make, I need your help to make this decision or not to. I am thinking of cutting my parents off because they have caused me enormous financial setback as a result of the bad decisions my father made. Firstly, I will like to give you a background of the story.

I come from a family of 4 and I am the first child of my parents. My dad is a retired federal government worker, he worked for many eyes as a school cert holder (so obviously, he didn’t hold very top position until he retired, probably the max in reached was level 8 or 9). He trained me through the university and he retired during my NYSC, at this point one of my brothers was in the university (he never graduated because he was nonchalant), my 3rd brother was a jambite and the last born was in primary school. The Jambite graduated this year and the last born is now a jambite.

In 2013, my dad retired and received gratuity worth several millions. My mom tried persuading him to build a house in the village because we are Igbos but Based in ogun state but my dad refused and insisted that he was going to develop his land in ogun state by building a 4 flats building (up stairs) then start business with the remaining money in Ogun state (apparently, he got the revelation from church to do that), he never completed the house. My dad is very religious until date, so out of the money he paid tithe, bought instruments for church and made some donations. Immediately I finished serving, I got a job with a pharmaceutical company as a medical sales representative. I was receiving a salary of 80k with commission. Things started great. I served some money I joined my dad in some of his fish farm business, I was in Enugu while he was doing the farm business in ogun state. When it was time to harvest the fish, I was told stories about theft, I spent 700k on the business but was able to recover 200k because I had to help him offset some debt.

To cut the long story short, my dad started having serious financial issues, couldn’t pay school fees of my last born in school, had several debts just about 2years after collecting millions as gratuity due to his wrong choice of investment. Ofcourse the financial burden transcended to me, until a point that my dad got into trouble from another debt, he spent church harvest savings that he was suppose to remit. I was paying my brothers school fees worth 150k per term, i had to take money from company’s account to help him offset the debt hoping that he would pay up and I will pay some before company finds out. The whole financial burden was so huge for a starter like me, owing to the fact that I lost all my savings to the fish farming business and I also had to pay house rents in Enugu and pay other bills.
I accumulated a debt of 1.2million with the company and then is started paying it by bit until the company found out that there was a deficit of 400k. I was arrested and was in the cell for days.
To get out of the cell, I had to sign a legal agreement for a payment plan of paying 30k monthly to offset the debt. Luckily for me, I got a 60k job 1month after, my dad couldn’t pay my last siblings school fees, I took him to Enugu and started Paying his bills. I was also paying 30k from my salary every month until I paid all the lost the job again during the heat of the recession. I managed to pay up that debt.
Since 2018, I haven’t really done any serious job, I started driving Uber in 2019, saved up some money, my mom needed money for business last year, i borrowed her, she couldn’t complete the payment. The car I was using to do the Uber got bad again.
I had to look for a remote job now in Lagos, I saved up money and learnt how to do footwear, i Am saving some money to pay my house and shop rent and get machines.
Last two month my dad called that he needed money for my brother’s school fees so he can complete his SSCE exams. He promised to payback mid last month, now I have not seen the money and my that was my house rent I borrowed him. My house rent expired in August. I called him, and ofcourse, he is playing the emotional game. Now, they are in serious financial mess and they seem not to want stop dragging me into it and it’s not as if I am doing great myself. I am not, I’m struggling to make something after mortgaging a lot of time paying several debts. It is overwhelming.

The point is, I am 31years old, I’m looking forward to making my own family and it seem if I am not careful, they will drag me back from this objective. Anytime I try to organize myself, they come up with their monetary problems and it hinders my growth. My plan was to get a shop and equip it before the end of first quarter 2022 from the saving I made from my current 80k salary and now they have collected my house rent in form of a loan. That’s a drawback again.

I have to make my own family, I need to shed some burden to be able to do that. I also want to be a parent and I never want to depend on my kids in my old age.
Should I cut them off?
If no, what do you advice that I do?

Debt no dey finish, Have a financial plan and spending limit. Don't go overboard in trying to help your family. Don't cut him off but be discipline in helping him. You can help him offset important debt like your sibling ssce. Tell him to look for help elsewhere.

Very soon , you ll start your own family. You need to start planning and saving towards that

I came late, I have a lot I would have said to you on front page.
You are not alone in a situation like this. I can boldly tell you that my Dad has made a lot of mistakes in his life (financially).
Sometimes when I reflect on his mistakes, I don't even talk to him sometimes, but out of the little I have as his first born, I do my responsibilities towards him.
Sometimes I feel like abandoning everyone, but trust me, it is never the best option.

All I keep praying to God for, is that God in his Infinite mercies should never allow me make the mistake of my father.

Too many talks don't fill up a basket, in anything you chose to do, please do not cut him off. Do the little you can, and lock up.

By now you should know that Most Nigeria’s parents retirement plans are their children. Use your 6

chinasaekpere:
Hello guys, this is a very strong decision I want to make, I need your help to make this decision or not to. I am thinking of cutting my parents off because they have caused me enormous financial setback as a result of the bad decisions my father made. Firstly, I will like to give you a background of the story.

I come from a family of 4 and I am the first child of my parents. My dad is a retired federal government worker, he worked for many eyes as a school cert holder (so obviously, he didn’t hold very top position until he retired, probably the max in reached was level 8 or 9). He trained me through the university and he retired during my NYSC, at this point one of my brothers was in the university (he never graduated because he was nonchalant), my 3rd brother was a jambite and the last born was in primary school. The Jambite graduated this year and the last born is now a jambite.

In 2013, my dad retired and received gratuity worth several millions. My mom tried persuading him to build a house in the village because we are Igbos but Based in ogun state but my dad refused and insisted that he was going to develop his land in ogun state by building a 4 flats building (up stairs) then start business with the remaining money in Ogun state (apparently, he got the revelation from church to do that), he never completed the house. My dad is very religious until date, so out of the money he paid tithe, bought instruments for church and made some donations. Immediately I finished serving, I got a job with a pharmaceutical company as a medical sales representative. I was receiving a salary of 80k with commission. Things started great. I served some money I joined my dad in some of his fish farm business, I was in Enugu while he was doing the farm business in ogun state. When it was time to harvest the fish, I was told stories about theft, I spent 700k on the business but was able to recover 200k because I had to help him offset some debt.

To cut the long story short, my dad started having serious financial issues, couldn’t pay school fees of my last born in school, had several debts just about 2years after collecting millions as gratuity due to his wrong choice of investment. Ofcourse the financial burden transcended to me, until a point that my dad got into trouble from another debt, he spent church harvest savings that he was suppose to remit. I was paying my brothers school fees worth 150k per term, i had to take money from company’s account to help him offset the debt hoping that he would pay up and I will pay some before company finds out. The whole financial burden was so huge for a starter like me, owing to the fact that I lost all my savings to the fish farming business and I also had to pay house rents in Enugu and pay other bills.
I accumulated a debt of 1.2million with the company and then is started paying it by bit until the company found out that there was a deficit of 400k. I was arrested and was in the cell for days.
To get out of the cell, I had to sign a legal agreement for a payment plan of paying 30k monthly to offset the debt. Luckily for me, I got a 60k job 1month after, my dad couldn’t pay my last siblings school fees, I took him to Enugu and started Paying his bills. I was also paying 30k from my salary every month until I paid all the lost the job again during the heat of the recession. I managed to pay up that debt.
Since 2018, I haven’t really done any serious job, I started driving Uber in 2019, saved up some money, my mom needed money for business last year, i borrowed her, she couldn’t complete the payment. The car I was using to do the Uber got bad again.
I had to look for a remote job now in Lagos, I saved up money and learnt how to do footwear, i Am saving some money to pay my house and shop rent and get machines.
Last two month my dad called that he needed money for my brother’s school fees so he can complete his SSCE exams. He promised to payback mid last month, now I have not seen the money and my that was my house rent I borrowed him. My house rent expired in August. I called him, and ofcourse, he is playing the emotional game. Now, they are in serious financial mess and they seem not to want stop dragging me into it and it’s not as if I am doing great myself. I am not, I’m struggling to make something after mortgaging a lot of time paying several debts. It is overwhelming.

The point is, I am 31years old, I’m looking forward to making my own family and it seem if I am not careful, they will drag me back from this objective. Anytime I try to organize myself, they come up with their monetary problems and it hinders my growth. My plan was to get a shop and equip it before the end of first quarter 2022 from the saving I made from my current 80k salary and now they have collected my house rent in form of a loan. That’s a drawback again.

I have to make my own family, I need to shed some burden to be able to do that. I also want to be a parent and I never want to depend on my kids in my old age.
Should I cut them off?
If no, what do you advice that I do?

I wouldnt agree with cutting them off.because yes parents are so important and cutting them off can be something you'd greatly regret at some point...but you also need to grow.have a life of your own,make plans and execute plans for yourself..you can be selfish now because you have tried.but while building up yourself,try sorting them something. Maybe 10k a month for thier upkeep ..you are not obligated to any bill,just take whatever is left out of your own necessity in a month,and let them know respectfully that you are not bouyant when the ask for help.let them know you are still going through debts....but dont cut them off....they are still your parents afterall and dont forget your siblings too.if you planned to give parents 10k by the end of month,if your younger needs help too,you can split the money amidst them and let them know why you did that..

Learn how to say no to some request..it will help you in life..some times when i want my kids to do somethings, and they say no.. i just respect myself.. Learn how to say no to them when there request is going to affect your calculations.. cutting them off is not nice..it will send wrong signal... don't let them manipulate you emotionally.. parents are good at that.. if they're crying you too cry...

You don't need to cut them off, even your mind wouldn't let you. Just learn to say NO to some requests, take care of some critical ones especially those bothering on Education and health and shade the rest off. You can only be called an incentive man but that shouldn't hurt you.

Your own is small na compared to mine. I can't pay house rent today at my age bcs of family burdens. It is well.

Don't cut them off but distance from them a bit. God will help us

Ginaz:
You have a problem with saying “NO” to their requests and that has landed you in this huge mess.

You’re a young man about to start life, you can’t move forward or have anything meaningful if you ain’t focus on your finances.

Whenever they call to request for money, kindly and respectfully refuse to help . Have a goal to upgrade your finances, save and put your money in accounts you won’t have free access into.

You have tried for you family to your capacity, you are not financially strong to take more responsibility without wreaking your future.

Let “your no means no” sometimes.

Stuck on u and still in luv both by Lionel Richie r dome of my favorite(jst answering ur question) .bk 2 d matter, I think the dude 2 a reasonable extent should cut them off for his own future sake.

chinasaekpere:
Trust me, I have tried.
My parents have the mentality that they have tried their best and I should take up some responsibilities from here. We have had serious rifts on this issue.

Take up which responsibility?? Re they ur children that u birthed & therefore responsible for till at least age 21?? Or what?? No dis is some toxic shit. It suffices to say that some of d most toxic people come disguised as family members. U ve weak boundaries or no boundaries at all. As I can see dis is no longer giving g from d heart. Take a stand & cut them off financially as they re leaches, & an invading locusts. Save ur money send back ur siblings to their parents, plan ur life. As u re like dis, I can't date a man that carries family wahala like dis on his head to d extent of him breaking down completely financially as well as mentally & emotionally. It shows he can't stand up for himself & protect his sanity, then how can he protect me??

The house he could not fully develop, what becomes of it? whenever loan issue comes up again or any expenses... Ask him to liquidate the property and solve his problems.

No you should not cut off your parents. However, whatever you do, do not put your life on hold. Get married and start having your own kids. My life followed almost the same trajectory as yours. At 28 I had finished my NYSC, was gainfully employed and was already supporting my family since my parents had retired. I kept on denying myself things that I needed simply because I was supporting the family. When I was 35, my friends were already pressuring me to get married but I kept telling them I need to do one thing or the other for my parents.

Today I am 45, unmarried, in debt and running from my landlord. I live in my car now. Please, do not be me. Good luck!

chinasaekpere
You will need to be hard. They are a parasitic lot. You either have to learn to say no or you don't have. You also have to learn to stick to your guns.

I would advise you to migrate to Canada. This you should work towards in 2025. Your migration will keep you at a safe distance from them and also, your income will be enough to take care of both your needs and theirs.

Why not apply for a Masters program in Canada? Hopefully, you can gain scholarship. Canada allows you to stay for 3years after graduating. This can be a path to parmanent stay.

You are the first of 4 and obviously the opara. Your problem is your mentality.

From the story, the only place your dad faulted was the fish farming investment. Others are responsibility you mentally referred to as lend, borrow.

I'm the first son, I started a business for my mum when I was 29 and now building a house for my parents @ 32. Have spent millions but I am guided with the mentality that these are my responsibilities.

Any assistance you render to your siblings or parents are responsibilities. How can you even say you borrowed your mum money to start business when I expect you to say you assisted her with finance to start up a business.

Fix your reasoning.

If you want to cut off your parents, then please relinquish your rights as first son. No come dey chuk eye for family properties of you can't shoulder responsibility and be calm about it.

Ndewo

Don't ever!

Give them what you can afford. If your parents have your interest at heart, they will want you to save and build yourself.
Commit your ways and decisions into God's hands, don't let anything or anyone hinder your growth.

It is very obvious You can't carry the burden of the whole family on your head. I will advise you to cut down on your financial involvement with the family. Help when it is totally necessary like food and health care...even ur siblings school fees help too but it they are able to work they should so u can meet them halfway. I dont advise you to cut ur family off. The joy of having money is helping family with it but you need to use your head while doing so.

PeaceJoyLove:
I know it must be Ibo. I do not understand ibo parents at all. In the last story, a whole family of like 7 members want to chop from the bride price of the only girl and still ask her to come and take care of the parents house chores. Now, it is another family mounting pressure on the responsible first son to take over the responsibility of the man. I mean what the heck is wrong with ibo? This entitlement nature amd the bullying....hmmmm. This is why you see them in different things. If I pray God should have given these parents useless boys like the other family, I am wishing this boy bad. Imagine grown up boys depending on the bride price of the only girl they have. That annoyed me.

This is serious. If this boy cuts them off, the whole world will know. After he gets married, the parents will make the innocent girl the enemy who charmed their son to not take care of them again. This boy has nust started as it is not going to end soon.

I think this guy needs to run out of Nigeria. That is how he can have peace and rearrange his life. But the good part of this boy will not allow him because he is just too nice. I know people like this boy. I refuse to mention him cos I dont have solution to his challenge as I do not want to poison his mind towards his parents. Honestly, I dont know what to tell him, other than, he should keep praying to God for direction. The parents are his hindrances. They will spread bad news about him to everyone that he will find it hard to exonerate himself. And knowing how ibo takes marriage, they willl wait for him at that time to show him pepper. So, I think he needs to just run away from Nigeria to escape them.

May God help him.

Don't be an unfortunate bigot. Must you display unwarranted foolishness, just to pass your message across? So what if he is Ibo by tribe?