Cutehector:
Hello Madam,.

You are placing comfortability over love which negates the very vows you made on the altar.

This is allowing the devil come in between your marriage. Breathe in, correct with Love and dont allow sentiments ruin your marriage.


Let Christ be the centre of your marriage and pray for your man.


You are taking things too far and over reacting.

Wenby:
[quote author=Cutehector post=11


I was with him for 6 years ,am not materialistic and I work so hard ,did you understand my point sir or ma, I know where you are driving at but my heart is heavy am just scared of the future I pray God help me

Wenby:
Hey fam, alot of stuffs has been going on in my life lately and is making me feels depressed �,my marriage is just 6 months old but I felt am not ready ,what keeps running through my mind is why did I do it and accept the pressure of family when I wasn't mentally ready, please read through and try to understand am not so good at writing long notes
Have been dating the person I got married to now for the past 6 years we met when he was still struggling with his how he is going to navigate his life etc and in my side I was seeking admission into higher institution,we kept on talking and during those times I was there supporting him, praying etc along the line I get to know the kind of family he is from that they didn't contribute to their children lives be it career education etc,they are the ones that look out for themselves ,it still didn't bother me I was like encouraging him to man up and be focus ,after two years I get to know he didn't have any qualifications aside from short courses certificate he had ,he confess that he couldn't finish his school because no one to assist, I wasn't happy but we keep going I encourage him to get a job at least which he did as a driver,after when I graduated he is still managing with the job and I move to the city to get a job as well but my mind wasn't at rest that how are we going to survive band raise family with this situation to the extent that he couldn't rent a house he has his parents bills and sister bills on his neck ,he is the one paying for a room his parents are leaving ,he has an elder brother who is struggling too could not afford anything ,I started having fear in my heart ,and since I was young because of my background and how we were brought up I vowed never to give birth to any child to suffer,I promise my self if am not sure I can raise my children comfortable I wouldn't birth them I don't want them to suffer like I do ,after a year I moved to the city and started managing a job I encouraged her we get a small place ,a room in the island of Lagos because that is the easiest location to our working place I raised some money which he added ,I rented the apartment and put some stuff so that we can get a place to be relaxing ,fast forward to last year the family started talking we should get married I complained bitterly to my own people that see this and that is what is happening and am not ready mentally financially for this wedding ,they started planning and he was in support but am not happy ,his father is no longer working his mum is doing some petty job ,which they declare they don't have any hope of where they are going to get money but they put their trust in God and some of there family members ,the family raises some money for them which they manage and use to buy stuff they requested , they were doing their thing and not considering my point I told my mum I don't want to settle down a room self contained she started saying all sorts that I should not waste my time ,I encourage my husband we should work more harder and see some positive results before we will embark in any marriage he neglected my words I keep telling it to his face I don't want to suffer am not materialistic but then I want a comfortable life for my self and my kid he ignored and started complaining my expectations are high ,we did the wedding but my people since the whole wedding thing happened there is no joy in my heart ,he still works as a driver,his work location is far to the house he stays there Monday to Friday or Saturday sometime so that he will be able to save because of transport fare ,I work far away too I stay at work Monday to Friday so as to save the little am earning too because of transport fare, we only meet Saturday or Sunday everybody finds there ways on Monday make una advice me oo , am not happy I felt stuck these are the things I was saying before the whole thing happens just because we want to survive right now we can boast that we can raise a kid and family are already on my neck that am I pregnant me I feel like running away
Why is that when women choose comfortability they see it as crime am not lazy I work very hard we share bills most of the time I pay the most ,I don't complain but I thought we could have wait and get things right before taking steps further ,life is dealing with both of us ,Do you guys know the worst part my husband can't think on his own unless they push him, have been complaining about his job since last year that he needs to talk to people or search online to get better opportunity he doesn't take me serious ,he keeps complaining his phone is bad I bought a new phone guys I was on his neck to download indeed LinkedIn etc before he did, he is so comfortable with managing life,he is not bothered or inspired or has vision of how he wants our family to be he just goes with the flow and take whatever life throws at him ,he is comfortable with us living in a room and having children , GUYS PLEASE ADVISE ME � DO YOU GUYS THINK SOMETHING US WRONG WITH ME AM I THINKING TOO MUCH IR DO I NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST , RIGHT NOW GUYS I FELT AM NO LONGER INTERESTED THE FEELINGS AND ALL IS NOT THERE AND I FEELS LIKE STARTING MY WHOLE LIFE OVER AGAIN I FELT HE SHOULD JUST GO GET ANOTHER PERSON , TO THE EXTENT THAT I DON'T ENJOY SEX WITH HIM SOMETIMES IN A MONTH WE HAVE SEX ONCE OR TWICE ,I FEELS IRRITATED
I KNOW MANY THINGS ARE WRONG RIGHT NOW I NEED YOUR HELP
SOME WEEKS AGO I WAS JOKING WITH HIM THAT WITH THE SITUATION OF THINGS THAT MAY BE WE SHOULD GO ONLINE AND FIND NEW CONNECTION MAY BE ABROAD IF HE IS ABLE TO GET FINE AND IF I GET TOO FINE ,HE ACCEPTED AND SAID HE US IS OKAY WITH IT THAT IS EVEN BETTER LIKE THAT ,I SAID ARE YOU SAYING YOU ARE OKAY IF I GET A WHITE MAN ONLINE AND WE GET MARRIED HE SAID IS FINE THAT I SHOULD JUST PROMISE HIM THAT I WILL NOT FORGET HIM AND TAKE CARE OF HIM I WAS � SHOCK AND I WOULDN'T LIE PRESENTLY AM ONLINE MAKING NEW CONNECTION
BUT I NEED HELP AM NOT SURE THINGS ARE RIGHT WITH MY LIFE

Wenby:

Amen sir, thank you may the Lord uphold you and your family too I appreciate

MMotimo:
I salute your intelligence in seeking to establish a level of financial comfort before adding kids to the mix. That is excellent thinking. Having kids before you establish financial comfort often perpetuates poverty since the resources and opportunities you can offer the kids are severely limited.

The only thing wrong with your post is the wuruwuru abroad connection you alluded to. Too bad you allowed yourself to be pressured into marriage but no use crying over split milk. What is done is done. Now, you have to looking forward with a clear mind and choose yourself first when making future decisions.

You and your husband are obviously not on the same page in a number of key areas. Couples do not always agree but you have to be in tandem when it comes to certain critical areas. A comfort with poverty is a red flag and frankly alarming. It’s one thing to be poor, it’s another level to get comfortable with the condition. The lack of drive on his part is also very concerning. Perhaps you can somehow convince him to change and be more driven? If not, then you have to decide your next step(s) and take responsibility for it (them).

Best wishes!

Wenby:
Hey fam, alot of stuffs has been going on in my life lately and is making me feels depressed �,my marriage is just 6 months old but I felt am not ready ,what keeps running through my mind is why did I do it and accept the pressure of family when I wasn't mentally ready, please read through and try to understand am not so good at writing long notes
Have been dating the person I got married to now for the past 6 years we met when he was still struggling with his how he is going to navigate his life etc and in my side I was seeking admission into higher institution,we kept on talking and during those times I was there supporting him, praying etc along the line I get to know the kind of family he is from that they didn't contribute to their children lives be it career education etc,they are the ones that look out for themselves ,it still didn't bother me I was like encouraging him to man up and be focus ,after two years I get to know he didn't have any qualifications aside from short courses certificate he had ,he confess that he couldn't finish his school because no one to assist, I wasn't happy but we keep going I encourage him to get a job at least which he did as a driver,after when I graduated he is still managing with the job and I move to the city to get a job as well but my mind wasn't at rest that how are we going to survive band raise family with this situation to the extent that he couldn't rent a house he has his parents bills and sister bills on his neck ,he is the one paying for a room his parents are leaving ,he has an elder brother who is struggling too could not afford anything ,I started having fear in my heart ,and since I was young because of my background and how we were brought up I vowed never to give birth to any child to suffer,I promise my self if am not sure I can raise my children comfortable I wouldn't birth them I don't want them to suffer like I do ,after a year I moved to the city and started managing a job I encouraged her we get a small place ,a room in the island of Lagos because that is the easiest location to our working place I raised some money which he added ,I rented the apartment and put some stuff so that we can get a place to be relaxing ,fast forward to last year the family started talking we should get married I complained bitterly to my own people that see this and that is what is happening and am not ready mentally financially for this wedding ,they started planning and he was in support but am not happy ,his father is no longer working his mum is doing some petty job ,which they declare they don't have any hope of where they are going to get money but they put their trust in God and some of there family members ,the family raises some money for them which they manage and use to buy stuff they requested , they were doing their thing and not considering my point I told my mum I don't want to settle down a room self contained she started saying all sorts that I should not waste my time ,I encourage my husband we should work more harder and see some positive results before we will embark in any marriage he neglected my words I keep telling it to his face I don't want to suffer am not materialistic but then I want a comfortable life for my self and my kid he ignored and started complaining my expectations are high ,we did the wedding but my people since the whole wedding thing happened there is no joy in my heart ,he still works as a driver,his work location is far to the house he stays there Monday to Friday or Saturday sometime so that he will be able to save because of transport fare ,I work far away too I stay at work Monday to Friday so as to save the little am earning too because of transport fare, we only meet Saturday or Sunday everybody finds there ways on Monday make una advice me oo , am not happy I felt stuck these are the things I was saying before the whole thing happens just because we want to survive right now we can boast that we can raise a kid and family are already on my neck that am I pregnant me I feel like running away
Why is that when women choose comfortability they see it as crime am not lazy I work very hard we share bills most of the time I pay the most ,I don't complain but I thought we could have wait and get things right before taking steps further ,life is dealing with both of us ,Do you guys know the worst part my husband can't think on his own unless they push him, have been complaining about his job since last year that he needs to talk to people or search online to get better opportunity he doesn't take me serious ,he keeps complaining his phone is bad I bought a new phone guys I was on his neck to download indeed LinkedIn etc before he did, he is so comfortable with managing life,he is not bothered or inspired or has vision of how he wants our family to be he just goes with the flow and take whatever life throws at him ,he is comfortable with us living in a room and having children , GUYS PLEASE ADVISE ME � DO YOU GUYS THINK SOMETHING US WRONG WITH ME AM I THINKING TOO MUCH IR DO I NEED TO SEE A THERAPIST , RIGHT NOW GUYS I FELT AM NO LONGER INTERESTED THE FEELINGS AND ALL IS NOT THERE AND I FEELS LIKE STARTING MY WHOLE LIFE OVER AGAIN I FELT HE SHOULD JUST GO GET ANOTHER PERSON , TO THE EXTENT THAT I DON'T ENJOY SEX WITH HIM SOMETIMES IN A MONTH WE HAVE SEX ONCE OR TWICE ,I FEELS IRRITATED
I KNOW MANY THINGS ARE WRONG RIGHT NOW I NEED YOUR HELP
SOME WEEKS AGO I WAS JOKING WITH HIM THAT WITH THE SITUATION OF THINGS THAT MAY BE WE SHOULD GO ONLINE AND FIND NEW CONNECTION MAY BE ABROAD IF HE IS ABLE TO GET FINE AND IF I GET TOO FINE ,HE ACCEPTED AND SAID HE US IS OKAY WITH IT THAT IS EVEN BETTER LIKE THAT ,I SAID ARE YOU SAYING YOU ARE OKAY IF I GET A WHITE MAN ONLINE AND WE GET MARRIED HE SAID IS FINE THAT I SHOULD JUST PROMISE HIM THAT I WILL NOT FORGET HIM AND TAKE CARE OF HIM I WAS � SHOCK AND I WOULDN'T LIE PRESENTLY AM ONLINE MAKING NEW CONNECTION
BUT I NEED HELP AM NOT SURE THINGS ARE RIGHT WITH MY LIFE

ngBuild:
Dear Wenby
6 months is too early, your husband have no drive or passion, he just the type that says life goes on, you pay most of the bills, bought him a phone and encourages him. To me it seems you are the husband and he is the wife.

Like i said 6 months is too early, stick with him and keep on encouraging him[b] for like 2 more years without getting pregnant[/b] , if you see no changes or improvements. Kindly have a one on one talk with him to agree on divorce.

burritto:
Never get married when you’re not financially stable. Live alone is never enough

oldienavie:

This is not the point, 80% of Nigerians will never be financially stable, does that mean they should not get married ?
Financial stability is not a percursor to a good marriage, but be honest with yourself when going into marriage.

burritto:


Every being has the capacity to break free from poverty, either male or female , it’s their choice.

Nobody was born with wealth. It’s either inherited or acquired.

Acquired wealth are wealth you work real hard to make cos you chose to break free from poverty.

Nigerians who are poor chose to remain poor not cos Nigeria is poor, but because they are comfortable being poor.


I know people who hustle day and night to make money, and they don’t even care the kind of job it is, so long as it pays. I also know some people who feels they can’t do a particular job because they feel they are too big to do it.


The OP’s husband is one of those men who always never wants to make any move. They blame the government, family or even enemies for their failures.

I have bought cars from people who are not even dealers nor sellers, they only hustle as middle men and make at least 200k or more from each transactions.

Even if you give the OP’s husband #1 million Naira today, he’ll still squander it and become broke in a couple of weeks because he has no dreams nor drive, I know their type

People should always try to meet other people and make connections. Go to places where rich people dwell and make friends. You never know.

Why is that when women choose comfortability they see it as crime am not lazy I work very hard we share bills most of the time I pay the most ,I don't complain but I thought we could have wait and get things right before taking steps further ,life is dealing with both of us ,Do you guys know the worst part my husband can't think on his own unless they push him, have been complaining about his job since last year that he needs to talk to people or search online to get better opportunity he doesn't take me serious ,he keeps complaining his phone is bad I bought a new phone guys I was on his neck to download indeed LinkedIn etc before he did, he is so comfortable with managing life,he is not bothered or inspired or has vision of how he wants our family to be he just goes with the flow and take whatever life throws at him ,he is comfortable with us living in a room and having children

oldienavie:

The kind of advise people give on nairaland, you silently whisper a word of prayer not to ever end up with these kind of people.
Is giving birth a unilateral decision of only the wife ?

How can a woman unilaterally take a decision not to get pregnant after marriage and you call that marriage ?
What is wrong with you people these days, you fail to understand the meaning of commitment and marriage vows.

These lady was not mentally incapacitated when she gave her consent to marriage, and she has to face the consequence.

Lord please do not bring these kind of beings accross my way, please lord... Amen.

ngBuild:
Dear Wenby
6 months is too early, your husband have no drive or passion, he just the type that says life goes on, you pay most of the bills, bought him a phone and encourages him. To me it seems you are the husband and he is the wife.

Like i said 6 months is too early, stick with him and keep on encouraging him for like 2 more years without getting pregnant, if you see no changes or improvements. Kindly have a one on one talk with him to agree on divorce.

You need peace, you need love, and you need someone with vision, drive and passion, someone who compliments and completes you, someone whose visions aligns with yours.

I believe you will still be young and beautiful after the next two years, if you see no signs of improvement, please divorce him, he will surely be an obstruction, obstacles and hindrance to your progress in life if you let him be with you.

#ps, please avoid churches and talk to a marriage Councillor, a professional therapist, most churches will tell you to endure until life is drained out of you. Best wishes.

oldienavie:
I am going to put this post here for the sake of young impressionable people so they can learn.

1. As a young man or woman, learn to avoid sex outside of marriage as much as possible, why did I say this ?
The OP I am sure was sleeping with a man for 6 years, what happens is that she was unable to liberate herself from the bondage because of sex.
If the OP was not having sex with that man, I am sure her sense of reasoning and judgement would have been sound and she would have been in a better position to make a proper intelligent decision.

2. Life is hard, life in Nigeria is worse, you have to make a choice. A lot of marriages have collapsed due to the stress that people go through in life has caused, the OP may truly love the man but the reality of life will sometimes kill the love.

3. Nothing is assured in life, pray for favour, be patient and always be attentive to opportunities.

4. If you have the slightest doubt about someone, please do not go forward with marriage, this advise might not apply much to women cos they have a biological clock and once a lady crosses 30 years in Nigeria, her possibility of seeing husband goes down drastically.
But to the men, if your heart tells you to pause, dont rush into that marriage.

@OP I wish you goodluck.