Socratiz:
Firstly, it is obvious each of this couple has a different core value.

The core value of the husband is the family. He probably grew up on a stable and closely-knit home. So he prioritise the family/children over career.

But the wife's core value is career. I would be surprised if she didn't grow up in a home where the woman was marginalized or even maltreated because of low career. Career gives her a sense of personal worth and value therefore, she could not forgo this opportunity.

In any case, for a training which is only one week, this should pose no problems for them. I had to reread the post to be sure it is not a two-month course.

Both of them need to make the sacrifice. Get a sit-in person and pay her to look after the children. Even if they end up paying with the 800 Euro which the wife will get from the course.

The man mentioned that the wife adopts some unhealthy methods to have her way whenever they have a friction. This needs to be dealt with. I suspect the wife may have some underlying trauma which need to be resolved. A professional counsellor should be able to help with that.

Please solve your marital problem and live together in peace.

Cheers

Waooo, at least some read the post.

Miyachi:
■ Like I said, I feel there are deeper issues here, more than meets the eye. It might not even be the course or her absence but just that he wants to latch on to it to pour out his annoyance over something not remotely connected. Same thing with the woman. These things might seem simple but they're usually not.

1. That is what makes it even more ridiculous.

Things are simple. We complicate them when we try to pretend the ego must win over it all when the focus ought to be on just the one issue on the table. A relationship shouldn't be made this hard abeg!

Thank you all for your response, it is shocking though that the post was completely misunderstood by most people. Could not divulge too many info, but from permission, I had to make this addition

1. Both are in Europe. They became acquainted with the neighbours just 4 months ago, although it appears they have known for ages.
2. The husband is an expatriate who works in another European country and lost his very good job just 7 months ago. He got a new contract that starts in September in the same country as his family. (He lost his job largely because he refused to be part of the weekend overtime shift because he always has to be home to his family by the weekend). He is not able to travel because he can not renew his paper. (he is not in the common travel area). The husband usually travels home every weekend before this.
3. The family agreed for the woman to start the study, and the husband paid for the study himself ( about 7,000 euros).
4. Both partners were aware of the travelling as part of the course when she enrolled last year. The arrangement was that the husband will mind the children when the time comes. But the husband's situation changed before the sign-up date for the course, discussions started between husband and wife on the best alternative, however, the madam (wife) went ahead to sign up without telling the husband.
4. The 5 days is part of the course requirement, it can be done next semester, worse case, by January next year.
5 No other deep issue as some of you are insinuating.
6. I only came here just to evaluate the thoughts of their fellow citizens of the couple on general marital issues.
7. I showed this discussion to the couples, they even laughed at some of the comments.
8. These kinds of stories are very very common.

But your contributions are all appreciated.

Honestly, everyone needs to put themselves in the woman's shoes.

Imagine having to wait to another year t9 graduate because a man cannot stay with his kids for 5 days.

Imagine working your ass off and having to wait another year so you can actually graduate, and we are still early in 2023.

The husband and wife should find someone to stay to stay with the children. Her being stubborn has nothing to do with this, when someone is trying to better themselves academically, their partner should support them no matter what.

Imagine if the reverse was the case, many people on this forum will call the woman names.

vuxelle:
Hello all,
I need to bring this to this section for better balanced contribution, I have also updated some earlier information due to better information

The husband of a lady is against his wife attending a 4-7 days school course from Germany to the Netherlands. Participants can leave on the 5th day if they want, participants will also get 800 euros as participating fee. The course starts in 2 months' time, madam already signed up without her husband’s knowledge, and just recently told her husband about the signing up (They have been discussing the issue of whether to go or not and the best options). Her husband is against this and told the woman to shift the course to next year because her husband can not travel to be with the children due to circumstances that can not be resolved now. The kids are between (7-12 years). Although the husband will be able to travel later in the year, however, madam will have none of it at all, because according to her, it means her graduation will also be shifted to the next academic session/next year, this, she will never ever accept. So no negotiation about it.

Although the discussion has been going on between both, about the best option, madam suddenly told the man she has resolved to go and nothing can stop her. The husband is in shock, it appears madam has been playing and acting along as if she was genuinely looking for other solutions. Moreover, the husband noted that madam is no longer willing to discuss the issue with the man, as the woman has become angry/rude/verbally abusive. ( the husband acknowledges that this behaviour is not new, as anytime issues like this come up, the woman always throws up this defence mechanism- gets angry, stops talking to the man or becomes abusive/ talks rudely to the man. )

Naturally, the husband is a cool guy though, madam is as stubborn as anything and always has her way on all issues. The man is genuinely afraid that the children might be exposed to abuse and other things, moreover, he feels the last child is too young to be left alone

According to the man, the woman is a good person, but very very stubborn. Everything has to be her way. To the extent that her family has near zero influence on her, so there is nothing he can do in that respect, hence he usually pays heavily for counseling

They are both doing their best for the family (both of them confirmed this in separate meetings with them).

What is your take on this, please?

He better divorce the idiot and go and find serious wife

Kobojunkie:
Na only 5 days sef!

I always agree with your comment man but in this case I won’t because in the cause of accepting the offer there’s is no consent of the man that is not also in the same place as you before she even accept the offer with a reward of money which can make her accept it just try and forget about the limitless of the time and try to think 💭 rationally as a thinking 💭 animal.


Note: The man also has a reason that is genuine enough not to be with the kids at the point of you telling him of your own move..the op quote and I grab she’s a good woman but she’s a very stubborn type....don’t you think 💭 she’s trying to manipulate the man because she has done all necessary documentation.think again if she has not done any form of registration and the time is like 2 month what will be your judgement in this case

Cromagnon:

He better divorce the idiot and go and find serious wife

YOGA 🧘‍♀️ MAN 🙌

Compromise. Communicate.

Kobojunkie:
So, only the man is allowed to have a career in marriage? The woman cannot have the same freedom?

Yes
Abi are women willing to pay all the bills and marry house husband?
You can't eat your cake and have it
If career is important to you then don't marry an ambitious man
Marry a lazy one
Career is for money
Any woman that is not satisfied with her husbands money is not wife material

Aklee4994:
■ I always agree with your comment man but in this case I won’t because in the cause of accepting the offer there’s is no consent of the man that is not also in the same place as you before she even accept the offer with a reward of money which can make her accept it just try and forget about the limitless of the time and try to think 💭 rationally as a thinking 💭 animal.
■ Note: The man also has a reason that is genuine enough not to be with the kids at the point of you telling him of your own move..the op quote and I grab she’s a good woman but she’s a very stubborn type....don’t you think 💭
■ she’s trying to manipulate the man because she has done all necessary documentation.think again if she has not done any form of registration and the time is like 2 month what will be your judgement in this case

1. I think you take this consent thing too far in a relationship is what. Just because you are married to someone does not then mean that consent is needed in every case when commonsense should instead be allowed to reign. That is why in my first comment I mentioned that marriage isn't supposed to be a shackle but instead an arrangement that is to the benefit of both — not one or the other — in marriage. The woman already gives the man the freedom to do his own work and travel as he sees fit. And she gave him two-month heads up as far as her own plan. Why can't he extend to her the same courtesy as a partner that he gets from her?

2. He doesn't need to be as the woman can then leave the kids with a nanny while she is away. Nanny services are everywhere for that particular reason and purpose. So, I don't see the problem at all.

3. She is trying to get her course finished. How is that manipulative and about the man? Why does it all have to revolve around the man? Why can't it simply be about the woman trying to better herself, much the same as the man in marriage? Must her world revolve around him?

Anyways, I don't quite understand your question, but according to OP, the program is meant to take place 2 months from now meaning the woman did give him a heads-up. so, why the complaint, I don't understand at all.

sisisioge:
She should put her life on hold because husband can not be there for the kids for 4 to 5 days because he cannot travel? Something tells me she's been the one being with the kids majority of time but Oga cannot be with them at this point, right?

Well, no issues, they can organize someone else to watch over the kids for the duration of the course or the husband comes and do it himself. You men are mostly your worst enemies! You expect the woman to drop everything she does to be there for the family but its absolutely inconvenient for you guys to do the same. Una well done o. Una do well. Honestly, having seen a lot of abroad naija marriages, I see why it fails a higher percentage of the time. What is good for the gander is good for the goose fa. It is selfish of the man to even suggest that she adds a whole year to her education because he could not spare 4 days! Imagine if the tables were turned! Awon oniran dede!

You have no idea why the man can't come over to take care of the kids, the write-up claims she didn't inform the man before she took the decision, don't you think giving the husband heads up on would have ensured better planning since both will be on the same page

reservd:
■ You have no idea why the man can't come over to take care of the kids, the write-up claims she didn't inform the man before she took the decision, don't you think giving the husband heads up on would have ensured better planning since both will be on the same page

1. The writeup says she has given him a 2-month heads-up. Isn't that enough?

InvertedHammer:

/

Which part of "madam already signed up without her husband's knowledge" do you slowpoke not understand?
That's not a game a woman with kids abroad should play. Crawl back to your village if you don't understand the issue.
/

People just gloss over that part!
She already without communication committed huge resources on a foreign trip without the knowledge of the husband.foreign trip o
And now says it is one week . unfortunately the husband is not available to handle the problem created by the wife
And the options available is to shift the dates.
who is at fault? The man whose plans cannot be shifted or the woman who went to plan a foreign trip without a thorough understanding of the issues that need to be addressed @

Kobojunkie:
1. I think you take this consent thing too far in a relationship is what. Just because you are married to someone does not then mean that consent is needed in every case when commonsense should instead be allowed to reign. That is why in my first comment I mentioned that marriage isn't supposed to be a shackle but instead an arrangement that is to the benefit of both — not one or the other — in marriage. The woman already gives the man the freedom to do his own work and travel as he sees fit. And she gave him two-month heads up as far as her own plan. Why can't he extend to her the same courtesy as a partner that he gets from her?

2. He doesn't need to be as the woman can then leave the kids with a nanny while she is away. Nanny services are everywhere for that particular reason and purpose. So, I don't see the problem at all.

3. She is trying to get her course finished. How is that manipulative and about the man? Why does it all have to revolve around the man? Why can't it simply be about the woman trying to better herself, much the same as the man in marriage? Must her world revolve around him?

read again pls and tell me what you see and also don’t try to read 💭 with assumptions...the man😡 is not also a mad man that he won’t understand what you’re saying to him but nothing will stop me from my decision 🛑 when still in negotiations and discussion that is not yet resolved...do you know that after 5 days she can leave Na participation stuff that she can leave after 5 days but she want to manipulate the man because of what everyone will see as a thinking animal 🦒in this write ✍️ up 🆙


You can think 💭 beyond what I know bruh 😎


Note: Read to comprehend not to understand Na you let me know this but you’re assuming in this case

Kobojunkie:
1. The writeup says she has given him a 2-month heads-up. Isn't that enough?

told the woman to shift the course to next year because her husband can not travel to be with the children due to circumstances that can not be resolved now

Aklee4994:
■ read again pls and tell me what you see and also don’t try to read with assumptions...the mad is not also a mad man that he won’t understand what you’re saying to me but nothing will stop when still in negotiations and discussion that is not yet resolved
■ ...do you know that after 5 days she can leave Na participation stuff that she can left after 5 days but she want to manipulate the man because of what everyone will see as a thinking animal in this write up
■ You can think beyond what I know bruh Note: Read to comprehend not to understand Na you let me know this but you’re assuming in this case

1. What is he negotiating or discussing though?

2. She can leave after 5 days does not mean that if she still hasn't completed her courseload by then, she should definitely leave on the 5th day. Why you think that is manipulative is beyond me.

3. I am trying to do that but you aren't making it easy for me .

baralatie:
■ told the woman to shift the course to next year because her husband can not travel to be with the children due to circumstances that can not be resolved now

1. So, she should shift her life and dream to become an earner in her own family a whole 365 days out when she can easily get a nanny to take care of the kids, in order that she can begin to provide for her kids soonest?

Would you be willing to put your life goal on hold for 365 days in order that your wife can go on to pursue her own life goals and dreams, all the while knowing that hiring a nanny instead would make both your lives much easier?

Kobojunkie:
1. So, she should shift her life and dream to become an earner in her own family a whole 365 days out when she can easily get a nanny to take care of the kids, in order that she can begin to provide for her kids soonest?

Would you be willing to put your life goal on hold for 365 days in order that your wife can go on to pursue her own life goals and dreams, all the while knowing that hiring a nanny instead would make both your lives much easier?

If she had discussed this earlier with husband before now, would this complication arise

vuxelle:
Hello all,
I need to bring this to this section for better balanced contribution, I have also updated some earlier information due to better information

The husband of a lady is against his wife attending a 4-7 days school course from Germany to the Netherlands. Participants can leave on the 5th day if they want, participants will also get 800 euros as participating fee. The course starts in 2 months' time, madam already signed up without her husband’s knowledge, and just recently told her husband about the signing up (They have been discussing the issue of whether to go or not and the best options). Her husband is against this and told the woman to shift the course to next year because her husband can not travel to be with the children due to circumstances that can not be resolved now. The kids are between (7-12 years). Although the husband will be able to travel later in the year, however, madam will have none of it at all, because according to her, it means her graduation will also be shifted to the next academic session/next year, this, she will never ever accept. So no negotiation about it.

Although the discussion has been going on between both, about the best option, madam suddenly told the man she has resolved to go and nothing can stop her. The husband is in shock, it appears madam has been playing and acting along as if she was genuinely looking for other solutions. Moreover, the husband noted that madam is no longer willing to discuss the issue with the man, as the woman has become angry/rude/verbally abusive. ( the husband acknowledges that this behaviour is not new, as anytime issues like this come up, the woman always throws up this defence mechanism- gets angry, stops talking to the man or becomes abusive/ talks rudely to the man. )

Naturally, the husband is a cool guy though, madam is as stubborn as anything and always has her way on all issues. The man is genuinely afraid that the children might be exposed to abuse and other things, moreover, he feels the last child is too young to be left alone

According to the man, the woman is a good person, but very very stubborn. Everything has to be her way. To the extent that her family has near zero influence on her, so there is nothing he can do in that respect, hence he usually pays heavily for counseling

They are both doing their best for the family (both of them confirmed this in separate meetings with them).

What is your take on this, please?

I see every loopholes of the woman in this write up but who am I to say someone is wrong or right because I don’t assume things but I always understand everything in writing ✍️

Nothing will change my decision in a marriage...someone say Na partnership stuff but you never think 💭 that she always want to win in op write up meaning she never want to compromise with the gentle man...I don Dey talk too much abeg

If I should write ✍️ about the woman loopholes day will come and go.🤣🤣🤣

Kobojunkie:
1. What is he negotiating or discussing though?

2. She can leave after 5 days does not mean that if she still hasn't completed her courseload by then, she should definitely leave on the 5th day. Why you think that is manipulative is beyond me.

3. I am trying to do that but you aren't making it easy for me .

you’re telling me that this is the first chaos between them because the man say Na good woman...something done Dey happen before but the op no tell him guy which is the Op.

Aklee4994:
■ you’re telling me that this is the first chaos between them because the man say Na good woman...something done Dey happen before but the op no tell him guy which is the Op.

1. I repeat, it is stewpidity of the highest level to attempt to approach all other issues you have previously had with your partner every time a new concern lands on the table. That is not a relationship but something else. This issue here is simple and should be resolved as it is.

If you had cheated on your wife in the past and even gone on to apologize profusely for it, would you be happy if your wife brought it up every time there is a new concern on the table for you to consider?

vuxelle:
Waooo, at least some read the post.

alway want to win but never want to compromise with your guy Na relationship not a football match that you must win in every match...winning is always a fiction

baralatie:
■ If she had discussed this earlier with husband before now, would this complication arise

1. She did. The course is 2 months, approximately 60 days away, that is early!

Aklee4994:
■ alway want to win but never want to compromise with your guy. Na relationship not a football match that you must win in every match...winning is always a fiction

1. She is with the kids while the man is away for work. Isn't that a compromise? A relationship is not a lordship. You folks need to at least get this into your heads.

Kobojunkie:
1. I repeat, it is stewpidity of the highest level to attempt to approach all other issues you have previously had with your partner every time a new concern lands on the table. That is not a relationship but something else. This issue here is simple and should be resolved as it is.

If you had cheated on your wife in the past and even gone on to apologize profusely for it, would you be happy if your wife brought it up every time there is a new concern on the table for you to consider?

you’re talking emotionally in this case my man.you keep telling me you’re right 🤣🤣🤣do you know that it is only marriage that disagree with the concept of change.

reservd:

You have no idea why the man can't come over to take care of the kids, the write-up claims she didn't inform the man before she took the decision, don't you think giving the husband heads up on would have ensured better planning since both will be on the same page

It's not starting tomorrow, it's starting in 2 months time. Plenty of time for him to plan his schedule or work with her on alternative. The thing is, come rain come shine, its absolutely none negotiable that she attends as this is very important for her career growth. It's only 5 days sir. That a woman married a man is not enough reason to forsake her personal development. Thank you.

Aklee4994:
■ you’re talking emotionally in this case my man.you keep telling me you’re right 🤣🤣🤣
■ do you know that it is only marriage that disagree with the concept of change.

1. Where you take see emotions for my post? I am not in anyway telling you I am right as all I am simply doing is approaching this from the point of view of what a relationship ought to be.

2. huh? I don't follow!

Kobojunkie:
1. She is with the kids while the man is away for work. Isn't that a compromise? A relationship is not a lordship. You folks need to at least get this into your heads.

Na man go provides....No be career go send me away from my family after am financial stable

Kobojunkie:
1. Where you take see emotions for my post? I am not in anyway telling you I am right as all I am simply doing is approaching this from the point of view of what a relationship out to be about.

2. huh? I don't follow!

Relationship őr marriage with kids

Aklee4994:
■ Na man go provides....No be career go send me away from my family after am financial stable

1. I see where the problem is. Sadly, the reality is that your man-go-provide mentality is the core reason why over 90% of Nigerian homes exist in poverty to this day, and the number keeps rising each year.

Given that poverty is a curse that follows this man-go-provide mentality 90% of the time, why would you suggest that we continue on this path in marriage even today?