Inasmuch as I desire to have a peaceful home I also don't want to push more further when all my efforts seems not working.

Some times ago, I was seeking for financial help inorder to take a walk from my marriage. Although I didn't get any. I had to sell off some of my things to be able to have some money to proceed with my intention. Right now, I can afford an apartment and now, ready to proceed.
For a while now,
Some family members whom I told, came up with the suggestion to discourage me from walking away telling me that boys need their father for proper upbringing.
Aside thinking about myself, my children are my first priorities.
But another problem is, my 9yrs old son is always sad in the house, he's always excited each time he sees my efforts on us moving away. He's developing this kind of anger in the house which I don't like.

The two of them are like cat and dog in the house. (His father can send him to bring something from the room, once he goes in, it can take him a very long time to come out and with a sad expression) which most times, he will end up beating him up for behaving rudely to him.

The both aren't compatible at all.
He has accepted the fact that his Daddy don't bring anything home for him and his brother but once he's around, he takes all the little available for them, then start shouting and finding fault in him.
Most times, I try to say sweet things about his Dad so, he don't get affected , but his response is not ok. I'm surprised that this little boy, understand many things he pay more attention to most things that's happening even when I try not to let him know.

My husband is the root cause of everything. He behave badly that even his 9yrs old son can see without me explaining.

I don't want to raise children that detest their father.

At this point in my life, I'm afraid.
Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing)
Or staying back here so they can have their father in their life like this. Hoping that one day their father could stop gambling and change, start taking responsibilities and showing love and care for them. (Which they're not seeing and is annoying them)
Which of this my decision could possibly raise a healthy young men?
Pls, matured mind, advice me.

I'd say, stay. The man pays the rent, which leaves you with money to purchase education and experience for your children and thereby set them up in life. Hope I have not missed him abusing you.

And teach your children to honour their father!

budaatum:
I'd say, stay. The man pays the rent, which leaves you with money to purchase education and experience for your children and thereby set them up in life. Hope I have not missed him abusing you.

And teach your children to honour their father!

He doesn't

soulhelper481:
■ Aside thinking about myself, my children are my first priorities. But another problem is, my 9yrs old son is always sad in the house, he's always excited each time he sees my efforts on us moving away. He's developing this kind of anger in the house which I don't like. The two of them are like cat and dog in the house. (His father can send him to bring something from the room, once he goes in, it can take him a very long time to come out and with a sad expression) which most times, he will end up beating him up for behaving rudely to him.
The both aren't compatible at all. He has accepted the fact that his Daddy don't bring anything home for him and his brother but once he's around, he takes all the little available for them, then start shouting and finding fault in him. Most times, I try to say sweet things about his Dad so, he don't get affected , but his response is not ok.] I'm surprised that this little boy, understand many things he pay more attention to most things that's happening even when I try not to let him know. [/b
[b]My husband is the root cause of everything. He behave badly that even his 9yrs old son can see without me explaining. I don't want to raise children that detest their father.
At this point in my life, I'm afraid. Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing) Or staying back here so they can have their father in their life like this. Hoping that one day their father could stop gambling and change, start taking responsibilities and showing love and care for them. (Which they're not seeing and is annoying them)Which of this my decision could possibly raise a healthy young men? Pls, matured mind, advice me.

The worst you could do is ignore all of the signs right in front of your eyes. Give your children the happy life they deserve, please. Stop waiting for outsiders to decide for you. Talk to your children. Be frank with them and have them be open with you too. Tell them what plan you have and how you intend to make it work. Communicate the fact that you desire to have them moved out of that unhealthy environment soonest, so they are sure their mother is not trying to 419 them at the end of the day. Let their knowledge of your plan be the motivation you need to get your arse and your kids out of that miserable situation that is your married home ASAP.

After you have moved the boys out, you two can work to sort yourselves and the relationship you wish to have as you raise the kids. I would suggest you make whatever decision you make official through the courts so your partner contributes his own share towards the upkeep of his kids whether or not he finds himself another woman or not. That way he does not simply end up replacing you and the kids as if nothing happened.

A) young boys indeed need a father figure in their lives. women can only go so far until that male child is bigger/stronger enough to not take advices or commands from his mother. by that time, only a father's strong no nonsense approach can fix that.
B) although you have all the right to step away from the father of your children, you have absolutely NO RIGHT to keep these kids from their father. you guys should understand that, because you cannot be together any longer, that doesnt mean you should deprive your ex of seeing his/her children. regardless of how bad a father you believe this man is...
C) why do you only have such extreme solution? why cant you move, get your own place and coparent these kids like 2 mature adults, so that your children can be happy and so can you? there is no point in you staying in this miserable union, and maybe separating from this "supposedly" bad man can solve all your problems.

DNT PORT/LEAVE the house.U can't handle ghetto 2 boys alone.They'll give u heartache

The moment I saw "My husband is the root cause of everything" I just knew that advising this one is a total waste of time ...

And besides, since your husband is the root cause of everything, I'm guessing that You're the stem cause and the branch cause ...

Madam, whatever you choose to do is your business, but if you love your children as you claim, then don't prevent a relationship between the kids and their father ...

Cause the reality is that, it takes a masculine figure to raise a male child, a woman is solely incapable of doing so (for the most part) - go do your research and see the stats of boys raised by single women ...

There's only so much you can do to raise a male child as a woman ...

I hope we wouldn't read how a "young boy murdered his father" soon?

That boy already detest his father going by your narrative!

Gambling addiction is as difficult to break as every other addiction and can easily be picked up by the young Stars if exposure is not curtailed.

MY ADVICE!
Be sure you are not the one fuelling hatred in the heart of your son towards his father wether directly or indirectly because most boys have inclination towards their mother than their fathers and can easily be manipulated by women to hate their partner.

2. If you are innocent of the above, I suggest separation so both parties can appraise the relationship as well as their contributions towards the success of the union. But make sure you have the energy to handle boys especially in their teenage years most especially your first son that is already showing attitudes. Don't assume the attitude is only meant for the father, soon it will be extended to you!!!

MrBrownJay1:
A) young boys indeed need a father figure in their lives. women can only go so far until that male child is bigger/stronger enough to not take advices or commands from his mother. by that time, only a father's strong no nonsense approach can fix that.
B) although you have all the right to step away from the father of your children, you have absolutely NO RIGHT to keep these kids from their father. you guys should understand that, because you cannot be together any longer, that doesnt mean you should deprive your ex of seeing his/her children. regardless of how bad a father you believe this man is...
C) why do you only have such extreme solution? why cant you move, get your own place and coparent these kids like 2 mature adults, so that your children can be happy and so can you? there is no point in you staying in this miserable union, and maybe separating from this "supposedly" bad man can solve all your problems.

I have no intention to do that. And I don't want him coming to my place when I pack out.

Fahvvy:
The moment I saw "[b]My husband is the root cause of everything" I just knew that advising this one[/b] is a total waste of time ...

And besides, since your husband is the root cause of everything, I'm guessing that You're the stem cause and the branch cause ...

Madam, whatever you choose to do is your business, but if you love your children as you claim, then don't prevent a relationship between the kids and their father ...

Cause the reality is that, it takes a masculine figure to raise a male child, a woman is solely incapable of doing so (for the most part) - go do your research and see the stats of boys raised by single women ...

There's only so much you can do to raise a male child as a woman ...

That's because the only root problem which gives room to o the rest of the problem is his gambling addiction that he has refused to let go. The effect is much on us

soulhelper481:
Inasmuch as I desire to have a peaceful home I also don't want to push more further when all my efforts seems not working.

Some times ago, I was seeking for financial help inorder to take a walk from my marriage. Although I didn't get any. I had to sell off some of my things to be able to have some money to proceed with my intention. Right now, I can afford an apartment and now, ready to proceed.
For a while now,
Some family members whom I told, came up with the suggestion to discourage me from walking away telling me that boys need their father for proper upbringing.
Aside thinking about myself, my children are my first priorities.
But another problem is, my 9yrs old son is always sad in the house, he's always excited each time he sees my efforts on us moving away. He's developing this kind of anger in the house which I don't like.

The two of them are like cat and dog in the house. (His father can send him to bring something from the room, once he goes in, it can take him a very long time to come out and with a sad expression) which most times, he will end up beating him up for behaving rudely to him.

The both aren't compatible at all.
He has accepted the fact that his Daddy don't bring anything home for him and his brother but once he's around, he takes all the little available for them, then start shouting and finding fault in him.
Most times, I try to say sweet things about his Dad so, he don't get affected , but his response is not ok. I'm surprised that this little boy, understand many things he pay more attention to most things that's happening even when I try not to let him know.

My husband is the root cause of everything. He behave badly that even his 9yrs old son can see without me explaining.

I don't want to raise children that detest their father.

At this point in my life, I'm afraid.
Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing)
Or staying back here so they can have their father in their life like this. Hoping that one day their father could stop gambling and change, start taking responsibilities and showing love and care for them. (Which they're not seeing and is annoying them)
Which of this my decision could possibly raise a healthy young men?
Pls, matured mind, advice me.

''Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing)''

It's irritating to always hear this line ''...my sons...'', ''...my kids...'' from women.

You're not the sole owner of those kids, madam!

Free2Fly:


''Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing)''

It's irritating to always hear this line ''...my sons...'', ''...my kids...'' from women.

You're not the sole owner of those kids, madam!

The children belong to the both of us. Maybe is the way I write.
Your point Noted.

You carefully exempted yourself from any blame here, heaping all the accusations on your husband alone. Does that mean you're 100% holy?

richiemcgold:
You carefully exempted yourself from any blame here, heaping all the accusations on your husband alone. Does that mean you're 100% holy?

Yes. I have no fault here. As I said. It was his gambling addiction that lead us to where we are right now. I didn't accuse him of any other thing. Except Gambling. This alone has caused us more harm, difficult situations and traumatized us.

soulhelper481:
Inasmuch as I desire to have a peaceful home I also don't want to push more further when all my efforts seems not working.

Some times ago, I was seeking for financial help inorder to take a walk from my marriage. Although I didn't get any. I had to sell off some of my things to be able to have some money to proceed with my intention. Right now, I can afford an apartment and now, ready to proceed.
For a while now,
Some family members whom I told, came up with the suggestion to discourage me from walking away telling me that boys need their father for proper upbringing.
Aside thinking about myself, my children are my first priorities.
But another problem is, my 9yrs old son is always sad in the house, he's always excited each time he sees my efforts on us moving away. He's developing this kind of anger in the house which I don't like.

The two of them are like cat and dog in the house. (His father can send him to bring something from the room, once he goes in, it can take him a very long time to come out and with a sad expression) which most times, he will end up beating him up for behaving rudely to him.

The both aren't compatible at all.
He has accepted the fact that his Daddy don't bring anything home for him and his brother but once he's around, he takes all the little available for them, then start shouting and finding fault in him.
Most times, I try to say sweet things about his Dad so, he don't get affected , but his response is not ok. I'm surprised that this little boy, understand many things he pay more attention to most things that's happening even when I try not to let him know.

My husband is the root cause of everything. He behave badly that even his 9yrs old son can see without me explaining.

I don't want to raise children that detest their father.

At this point in my life, I'm afraid.
Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing)
Or staying back here so they can have their father in their life like this. Hoping that one day their father could stop gambling and change, start taking responsibilities and showing love and care for them. (Which they're not seeing and is annoying them)
Which of this my decision could possibly raise a healthy young men?
Pls, matured mind, advice me.

I guess you moving out with the kids and allowing them to spend the weekends or holidays with their Dad's in his own place will be a good option.

But I noticed something which I must point out: You claimed that the 9yrs old boy get to know of his dad's weakness all by himself which I am sure isn't the case. You sold the bad seed that is now causing the friction between him and his dad in him. Own up to this and talk him out of it now. He is only acting what you have told him!

Stevenbright:


I guess you moving out with the kids and allowing them to spend the weekends or holidays with their Dad's in his own place will be a good option.

But I noticed something which I must point out: You claimed that the 9yrs old boy get to know of his dad's weakness all by himself which I am sure isn't the case. You sold the bad seed that is now causing the friction between him and his dad in him. Own up to this and talk him out of it now. He is only acting what you have told him!

You may be right. Most times, we quarrel loud in the house. When he take my money and gambles with it, Even when we have nothing, he takes all we have and let us go hungry. It's so hurting that i can't keep calm and our son hears about it.
I will have to start taking to him afresh as you have suggested. Thank you

13regular:
I hope we wouldn't read how a "young boy murdered his father" soon?

That boy already detest his father going by your narrative!

Gambling addiction is as difficult to break as every other addiction and can easily be picked up by the young Stars if exposure is not curtailed.

MY ADVICE!
Be sure you are not the one fuelling hatred in the heart of your son towards his father wether directly or indirectly because most boys have inclination towards their mother than their fathers and can easily be manipulated by women to hate their partner.

2. If you are innocent of the above, I suggest separation so both parties can appraise the relationship as well as their contributions towards the success of the union. But make sure you have the energy to handle boys especially in their teenage years most especially your first son that is already showing attitudes. Don't assume the attitude is only meant for the father, soon it will be extended to you!!!

I love you

When you and your husband were straffing yourselves, riding him reverse cowgirl and he was pounding you doggy and co our opinion wasn't sought o, now you are crying please Nigeria get a whole lot of problems.

Don't know about your kids, but for you, I'd advise you to move out.

Like someone up there suggested, get a house and let the kids be spending their weekends with their dad. This is however tricky and must be planned properly. Maybe an agreement between you and their father.


But the most important question is "hope you ain't the one feeding your son with hate?

BTW, where do you guys see this type of men?

A gambler, a smoker, a man who will sleep with every tom, dick and harry, a man who wants to exercise power and so on.

Avoid men with this trait so we can stop reading marriage wahala on NL.

CandidAdmin:
BTW, where do you guys see this type of men?

A gambler, a smoker, a man who will sleep with every tom, dick and harry, a man who wants to exercise power and so on.

Avoid men with this trait so we can stop reading marriage wahala on NL.

Those are bad boy traits, have you forgotten young women love dating bad boys and detests 'good' boys. Till they get Older and regret their Choice.

soulhelper481:
I have no intention to do that. And I don't want him coming to my place when I pack out.

he doesnt need to come to your house to coparent... you can bring the children to him whenever he has them on the weekend and holidays. et voila. regardless of how you feel about this man, you will have to make it work together, for the sake of these kids.

youngestgrad:

Those are bad boy traits, have you forgotten young women love dating bad boys and detests 'good' boys. Till they get Older and regret their Choice.

Hmmmm. Na true talk.

soulhelper481:
Inasmuch as I desire to have a peaceful home I also don't want to push more further when all my efforts seems not working.

Some times ago, I was seeking for financial help inorder to take a walk from my marriage. Although I didn't get any. I had to sell off some of my things to be able to have some money to proceed with my intention. Right now, I can afford an apartment and now, ready to proceed.
For a while now,
Some family members whom I told, came up with the suggestion to discourage me from walking away telling me that boys need their father for proper upbringing.
Aside thinking about myself, my children are my first priorities.
But another problem is, my 9yrs old son is always sad in the house, he's always excited each time he sees my efforts on us moving away. He's developing this kind of anger in the house which I don't like.

The two of them are like cat and dog in the house. (His father can send him to bring something from the room, once he goes in, it can take him a very long time to come out and with a sad expression) which most times, he will end up beating him up for behaving rudely to him.

The both aren't compatible at all.
He has accepted the fact that his Daddy don't bring anything home for him and his brother but once he's around, he takes all the little available for them, then start shouting and finding fault in him.
Most times, I try to say sweet things about his Dad so, he don't get affected , but his response is not ok. I'm surprised that this little boy, understand many things he pay more attention to most things that's happening even when I try not to let him know.

My husband is the root cause of everything. He behave badly that even his 9yrs old son can see without me explaining.

I don't want to raise children that detest their father.

At this point in my life, I'm afraid.
Walking away with my two sons and taking care of them all by myself (which I have already been doing)
Or staying back here so they can have their father in their life like this. Hoping that one day their father could stop gambling and change, start taking responsibilities and showing love and care for them. (Which they're not seeing and is annoying them)
Which of this my decision could possibly raise a healthy young men?
Pls, matured mind, advice me.

The dichotomy of the leadership at home. When the husband is no longer the head of the house, then the children choose a side.

Were you not the one who was supposed to slap his face first whenever he disobeys his father? Lol!

You may think your son is on your side and you may be happy about it. Lemme tell you something, a child who disrespect his father cannot go far in life.

It is different with a daughter, allow a father train his son. He will appreciate it later in his life.

My son dare not disobey or rebel me. When it's not as if he wants to be mad. I'd first throw him into the army correctional facility for a week.


A 9yo boy is already being rebellious towards his father and you were busy commending that he's attentive to details.
His father sends him to pick something in the room and he loiter around to return when he wishes and you as a mother didn't lock him up for a week?

A kid is already dragging supremacy with his father. Chai! Nawa o.

Lol! 21st century women are raising kids.

Fahvvy:
The moment I saw "My husband is the root cause of everything" I just knew that advising this one is a total waste of time ...

And besides, since your husband is the root cause of everything, I'm guessing that You're the stem cause and the branch cause ...

Madam, whatever you choose to do is your business, but if you love your children as you claim, then don't prevent a relationship between the kids and their father ...

Cause the reality is that, it takes a masculine figure to raise a male child, a woman is solely incapable of doing so (for the most part) - go do your research and see the stats of boys raised by single women ...

There's only so much you can do to raise a male child as a woman ...

From her story, it was very evident that she is indulging the boy to rebel against his father. Imagine she said "The father is the root cause"

What kind of women do we have these days for God sake?
I'm sure the husband had never always been like that. She wouldn't have married him.
There was definitely a time the husband was providing for his home.

And all the blocked head idiots who are offering her series of advice won't think before accessing their dumb ass brain to respond.

Was the husband always like that?

If yes? Why did she marry him?

If no? What happened?
When did he change?

Maybe the husband lost his job or somethin'.

Gosh! Damn! I'm so fade right now. The man has mis-married.

FRANCISTOWN:

The dichotomy of the leadership at home. When the husband is no longer the head of the house, then the children choose a side.

Were you not the one who was supposed to slap his face first whenever he disobeys his father? Lol!

You may think your son is on your side and you may be happy about it. Lemme tell you something, a child who disrespect his father cannot go far in life.

It is different with a daughter, allow a father train his son. He will appreciate it later in his life.

My son dare not disobey or rebel me. When it's not as if he wants to be mad. I'd first throw him into the army correctional facility for a week.


A 9yo boy is already being rebellious towards his father and you were busy commending that he's attentive to details.
His father sends him to pick something in the room and he loiter around to return when he wishes and you as a mother didn't lock him up for a week?

A kid is already dragging supremacy with his father. Chai! Nawa o.

Lol! 21st century women are raising kids.

I am not in support of my child disrespecting an adult not to talk of his own father.
Your son wouldn't disrespect you so long as you don't repeatedly do shameful things and show inresponsibly Infront of him. Especially shouting at his mom over and over, raising hands at her, stealing his mom's money and comfortably admitting and acting like a semi God whom noone can question Infront of him, Sir, with time, he will start getting hurt and start looking sad in the house.
That's why couples aren't suppose to quarrel Infront of their children.

soulhelper481:

Your son wouldn't disrespect you so long as you don't repeatedly do shameful things and show inresponsibly Infront of him.

Trying to justify why your son is being rebellious again.

Well, one thing is sure in life. You can choose your actions, but you can't choose your consequences. As long as you are able to deal with the consequences 20-25years later.

You are good.

FRANCISTOWN:


Trying to justify why your son is being rebellious again.

Well, one thing is sure in life. You can choose your actions, but you can't choose your consequences. As long as you are able to deal with the consequences 20-25years later.

You are good.

I am not. As a matter of fact, my son can't be rebellious. Is because I pay attention to details that I'm able to see those little things. That's to tell you that I can't raise a disrespectful child. He is a good child, he's just passing through some challenges, all these will pass.

The truth is, in life, you can't do shameful things Infront of the young one and expect them to applaud you.

FRANCISTOWN:


Trying to justify why your son is being rebellious again.

Well, one thing is sure in life. You can choose your actions, but you can't choose your consequences. As long as you are able to deal with the consequences 20-25years later.

You are good.

You as a husband and father has the obligation to do right before your wife and children, you can intimidate them to fear you but not to love nor bond with you.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord".....Ephesians 6:4

Fahvvy:
The moment I saw "My husband is the root cause of everything" I just knew that advising this one is a total waste of time ...

And besides, since your husband is the root cause of everything, I'm guessing that You're the stem cause and the branch cause ...

Madam, whatever you choose to do is your business, but if you love your children as you claim, then don't prevent a relationship between the kids and their father ...

Cause the reality is that, it takes a masculine figure to raise a male child, a woman is solely incapable of doing so (for the most part) - go do your research and see the stats of boys raised by single women ...

There's only so much you can do to raise a male child as a woman ...

A man that gambles, doesn't pay rent or anything but instead takes everything away from the kids when he's around, how is he not the root cause of everything? Are you sure you read and understood the story well?

They can co-parent with the man seeing his kids whenever he can, but that doesn't mean they should live together, for the Op's 9 year old to be aware of what his dad does and is conscious of knowing it is wrong, don't you think having that kind of man around them and seeing his mother put up with it as the norm can cause damning repercussions in future? You prefer kids to take after their gambling irresponsible father instead of removing themselves from that toxic environment and becoming a better responsible adult in the society? Explain to us how kids needs a bad deadbeat irresponsible father in their lives, explain in details pls?

FRANCISTOWN:


Trying to justify why your son is being rebellious again.

Well, one thing is sure in life. You can choose your actions, but you can't choose your consequences. As long as you are able to deal with the consequences 20-25years later.

You are good.

Always the emotional tantrums from the male gender when it comes to deadbeat dads

The son is blind and can't see the actions of his irresponsible gambling dad? The Op, God bless her soul, even tries to shield the husband by saying and painting him good to their sons but they still see through the beautiful lies

You men need to do better because the enduring wife era has come to an end, being a sperm donor doesn't automatically make you a responsible father, do right by your family and take care of them in love, very simple.

soulhelper481:
He doesn't

I missed the gambling bit. Sorry. And the beating too in fact. My bads.

Family therapy is a solution. They'd sit you all down so you can more effectively communicate your feelings so they are openly confronted and resolved, but I guess that might not be available where you are. Social services is an option too so he gets done for child cruelty, but ditto.

At the end of your learning here, write to him explaining how you feel and how his behaviour is affecting his children and destroying his family and ensuring the future would not be as good as it could be if he spent his time and money and effort nurturing and developing and loving his family. You write well enough for him to be shook up enough to need to decide if he wants to continue being a selfish pig or not. Keep a copy!

Then leave him if he does not stop beating his child, who will blame you for not loving and protecting him if you don't.