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deylookme:
Aisha2, I read your post with tears in my eyes. I'm not bothered he gives at all. Since I met him, I've started doing that too. From the little I get, I help people like widows, single mom's and even struggling families. My parents are also thinking I'm crazy because I don't make enough money. People like you inspire me. God bless you real good. You've also touched my life.

One thing you said that touched me is that he takes care of you and baby even with his little. He who can be trusted with little will be trusted with much more.

God will open showers of blessings for him
If you love him ask him to consider a court wedding as we did while you plan later towards a bigger celebration. GOD WILL WATER EVERY LITTLE SEED YOU HAVE PLANTED

aisha2:
Never fall into the " let me just marry " trap
Drown out all the noise, nothing wrong with being charitable I am like that, many people don't understand why, even you giving don't understand sometimes. You don't want to know how many times I was mocked by people close for having worn out shoes yet using my small money to pay a strangers school fees. I always thought something was wrong with me too. But what God has done for me now I couldn't have achieved with a thousand years of saving.
Some of the people I dated who broke it off with me or used style to pursue me told me this was the reason, they thought I was stupid, I don't blame them too because it also seemed stupid to me but God ways may seem stupid to man. Once I was in the hospital I had 15k and transferred 10k for a single mother to do a skill acquisition training because I felt if my surgery went wrong let her have something to fall back on
Guess what the lady dropped out half way through saying she lost interest, meanwhile that money could have been used to purchase some drugs I needed after surgery but I was busy thinking about someone else. That act cut me really deep but it didn't stop me, it was only this Christmas I forgave the lady. So imagine any " smart " man having to live with a person like me, off cause human sense will say leave this one she doesn't know what she is doing. I have a friend who over the years has raised over 100 million for sick kids yet he doesn't even have a car.
Ask him why he gives, is it a direction from God or what?
Please don't be desperate to marry because your family is complaining
Sit and have a talk with your man. Ask direct questions without interrupting ;
1. What are his plans for you and your baby?
2. Whats his timeline for these plans if any
3. Why does he give even when things are not rosy? ( listen attentively to this answer)

Respect! The greatest joy in life comes from giving and doing good. I get my greatest joy from giving and I have been subject to so much attack even from my husband and kids but deep inside I know they are proud of me. I know this because I catch them doing the same. mama we are doing it for you to make you happy. But I am not fooled. Respect Aisha.

@ Poster. The issue here is not if you should marry him but ARE YOU WORTHY OF SUCH A MAN. A man with morals and principles.
Now re think what you wrote. You want to take your child away from his bio- father who is an up right and good man. You want to take this child to a drunkard and spoilt brat to raise.

Abeg if you do not pity yourself, pity your child! Why do you want to mess the child up-

There are women that support the home financially today and have a happy home. This man will be blessed by God and and them you would be on the outside wailing and gnashing your teeth in vain.
As long as the father of the child is reasonable, please marry him. Most women that are single mothers are that way because the men rejected them, either by kicking them out or by making it impossible for them to stay.

You have been duly advised. Wait for your baby daddy. The devil you know is a lot better than the angel you see from afar.

mutter:


Respect! The greatest joy in life comes from giving and doing good. I get my greatest joy from giving and I have been subject to so much attack even from my husband and kids but deep inside I know they are proud of me. I know this because I catch them doing the same. mama we are doing it for you to make you happy. But I am not fooled. Respect Aisha.

@ Poster. The issue here is not if you should marry him but ARE YOU WORTHY OF SUCH A MAN. A man with morals and principles.
Now re think what you wrote. You want to take your child away from his bio- father who is an up right and good man. You want to take this child to a drunkard and spoilt brat to raise.

Abeg if you do not pity yourself, pity your child! Why do you want to mess the child up-

There are women that support the home financially today and have a happy home. This man will be blessed by God and and them you would be on the outside wailing and gnashing your teeth in vain.
As long as the father of the child is reasonable, please marry him. Most women that are single mothers are that way because the men rejected them, either by kicking them out or by making it impossible for them to stay.

Hmmmmmm it is well. God strengthen you

God has given you peace, na U dey go hunt trouble yourself. U think just anybody can love you and your son. Its takes a highly matured and understanding dude to love another man's son. Boo, stick to ur baby father. Weather the storm with him and u will get the marriage u deserve but if U go and marry vos U want to be a Mrs. Kai, U go don too suffer in the future. Infact the troubles and heart ache U wld have wld be wrapped in that ring U put on your finger

deylookme:
Hello,

I'm in my mid twenties and a single mom. I want matured advice from experienced Nairalanders and those who have been in my shoes before. Please I'll be brief as possible, you can ask questions.

My baby's dad is a nice guy in his mid thirties, 11 years age difference (not an issue to me). He's everything I want in a husband. We love each other very much and have been together for almost 5 years . He's a good guy but he doesn't have enough money. I work so I basically take care of my child though I have plans to get my masters next year. Anytime he has money , he doesn't hold it back. His family wants us to get married ASAP but he doesn't want that, instead he wants to be comfortable and I understand that. If I ask when we'll get married, he'll say he doesn't know but we'll do that immediately he's capable. He's too independent of his family and doesn't listen to most of his siblings except a few.

I have guys that are interested in marrying me, some are married now. My ex has been in the picture. Since we broke up, he has been trying to get back together for almost a decade. He's in his late twenties, loves me a lot and wants to get married. We didn't date long, about 3 months and we broke up. I don't like the fact that he drinks. He's promising to stop but I don't believe him. He's a mama's boy. If not he's cool. I feel if I leave my boyfriend, I'll be gambling with this guy. He promised to love my child. Do men love kids that are not their's? His family has accepted us and are supporting him to
go ahead.

I think it's time I start a family and give my baby a father figure. My parents have been supportive through out the pregnancy but they are getting tired and fed up and I understand them totally. Recently, they keep praying for me to get married and their attitude towards me has changed even though I contribute financially to the family. I don't blame them neit
her do I have anything against them.

Am I desperate?  What do you think I should do? Should I leave my boyfriend for my ex I don't really know?

Cc
Aisha2
Hispinkolo
Mizmycoli
Kanwulia/ kanwulia jara
Cococandy

Please your contribution would be appreciated even though I didn't mention you. You can help me tag people who are blunt, straight forward and wise.

Deylookme hello and festive greetings, I know I wasn't tagged directly, but I think I can "palm" two of blunt, straightforward and wise ! Plus, I like to use such opportunities to talk to men about marriage.

In a nutshell, you want to be married, have more children possibly and secure some stability for your child. Quite laudable really. Your problem is youa re bereft of decent choices. The truth is, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I'll go as far as to say, if you didn't have a child, neither of these two men would be on your radar, especially if what your baby fathers family has to say about you - in your words below - is true. In fact, you won't go to far wrong if you take the advice inherent in that statement.

He told me that they said I'll leave him soon because according to them I'm beautiful, young, ambitious and intelligent so they are advising him to impregnate me again.

You claim to "love" BF, yet you are considering and in discussion with an ex from over 10 years ago whom you dated for barely 3 months and is quite clearly immature?

Further, you have other suitors. Perhaps our definition of suitors differs, but to me qualification as a suitor demands a certain level of interest has been shown and considered, and certain things have happened? Unless you are working with the old adage of "until she marries, every man is a suitor"?

You are being prompted by a females basic instinct - and that's not as bad thing - in fact, you are probably guilty of not taking things to their natural conclusion.

Your BF at this point in time is simply not the kind of fabric you want to be sewing a husband from. But deep down, you know that don't you? His inability to commit to both you and your child or make any kind of definitive statement about your settling down is glaring. Like I noted previously if there was not a child involved, he wouldn't be on your radar.

It's why your father detests him, and if I were speaking as male relative, I would have little time for him. He is simply not up to it at this point. Be it because he is not confident in his ability to provide, unequal to the responsibility of taking full ownership, or simply more comfortable with you being a baby-mama, than challenged by taking on the burden of being a committed husband and father.

His family' involvement is even more telling, they are pushing and looking to support him in to doing what he should be driving himself, and making it conditional as they don't actually see him as that able. You are the catch here not him - he simply lucked out getting to you early.

OP you can skip the quote below, it's more for men;

I touched on the female instinct earlier, the dread "H" word, hypergamy. I make no value judgement about it, it just needs to be correctly understood and applied.

Women typically marry up or at worst on a level, and if the man is "high status" in an absolute sense, marrying at a level is not a problem, say two doctors for example. Few women love in an unconsidered or unqualified manner - its actually men that do that more - but that is understandable as women are typically more vulnerable as OP is discovering now.

The reasons are quite obvious, a man will expected to lead, provide and protect his family. Typically woman do not want to bear that burden or the major part of it, as they usually have other gender-specific burdens they have to deal with, and are better equipped to.

And there's another oft overlooked part of the dynamic between husband and wife. A womans attraction for her husband (or any man) is stimulated by his ability to deliver as noted. If he doesn't, over time only strong religious injunctions or social mores will prevent her straying or leaving him - in any event, she will not be happy.

There has been much talk about charitable giving - or the gift of liberality if we set this in a Christian context - but two things here, you mentioned nothing about faith and faith would suggest he makes amends for the "out of wedlock" situation.

Further, one who fails to provide for his household is worse than an infidel. Any gift of liberality or charitable bent must be coasidered in light of means and responsibilities. Please don't spiritualise your situation, for one thing, when you are in the crucible of marriage it won't render an ounce of succour.

So consider what possibly awaits you should you marry him and have further children. He either delivers, or he fails too, despite his familial support (which in any event will have limits) and the provider burden falls majorly on you. Are you prepared to live out the worst case scenario or will there be another failed marriage with the attendant costs - especially to the child?

As for the child you have, the outcome for him/her will be best in a stable household, be this with his biological father or someone who commits to you both. The difference will be in provision and modelling.

Whether you act on instinct or make clear considered choices (and they may well be the same), I wish you all the best. I hope the young and unwed are taking notes here.

TV

TV01:


Deylookme hello and festive greetings, I know I wasn't tagged directly, but I think I can "palm" two of blunt, straightforward and wise ! Plus, I like to use such opportunities to talk to men about marriage.

In a nutshell, you want to be married, have more children possibly and secure some stability for your child. Quite laudable really. Your problem is youa re bereft of decent choices. The truth is, you are caught between a rock and a hard place. I'll go as far as to say, if you didn't have a child, neither of these two men would be on your radar, especially if what your baby fathers family has to say about you - in your words below - is true. In fact, you won't go to far wrong if you take the advice inherent in that statement.



You claim to "love" BF, yet you are considering and in discussion with an ex from over 10 years ago whom you dated for barely 3 months and is quite clearly immature?

Further, you have other suitors. Perhaps our definition of suitors differs, but to me qualification as a suitor demands a certain level of interest has been shown and considered, and certain things have happened? Unless you are working with the old adage of "until she marries, every man is a suitor"?

You are being prompted by a females basic instinct - and that's not as bad thing - in fact, you are probably guilty of not taking things to their natural conclusion.

Your BF at this point in time is simply not the kind of fabric you want to be sewing a husband from. But deep down, you know that don't you? His inability to commit to both you and your child or make any kind of definitive statement about your settling down is glaring. Like I noted previously if there was not a child involved, he wouldn't be on your radar.

It's why your father detests him, and if I were speaking as male relative, I would have little time for him. He is simply not up to it at this point. Be it because he is not confident in his ability to provide, unequal to the responsibility of taking full ownership, or simply more comfortable with you being a baby-mama, than challenged by taking on the burden of being a committed husband and father.

His family' involvement is even more telling, they are pushing and looking to support him in to doing what he should be driving himself, and making it conditional as they don't actually see him as that able. You are the catch here not him - he simply lucked out getting to you early.

OP you can skip the quote below, it's more for men;


There has been much talk about charitable giving - or the gift of liberality if we set this in a Christian context - but two things here, you mentioned nothing about faith and faith would suggest he makes amends for the "out of wedlock" situation.

Further, one who fails to provide for his household is worse than an infidel. Any gift of liberality or charitable bent must be coasidered in light of means and responsibilities. Please don't spiritualise your situation, for one thing, when you are in the crucible of marriage it won't render an ounce of succour.

So consider what possibly awaits you should you marry him and have further children. He either delivers, or he fails too, despite his familial support (which in any event will have limits) and the provider burden falls majorly on you. Are you prepared to live out the worst case scenario or will there be another failed marriage with the attendant costs - especially to the child?

As for the child you have, the outcome for him/her will be best in a stable household, be this with his biological father or someone who commits to you both. The difference will be in provision and modelling.

Whether you act on instinct or make clear considered choices (and they may well be the same), I wish you all the best. I hope the young and unwed are taking notes here.

TV

Very bitter pill to swallow, big bro, but I really can't argue with this.

@OP, if marriage is on the cards - and with a kid it should be - your baby daddy is not an option nor is your ex, judging by what you have said. And yes, men can love children that are not theirs.

Q

deylookme:
TV01, thanks for your input. Honestly, our relationship was 3 years old when we found out we were pregnant and we were in it to get married. He had been pushing for marriage since my 3rd year in school but I refused and insisted I must graduate and possibly go for service. Things got bad along the line and when we were ready there was no money, he lost the 2 people he was closest to in his family and that were willing to help without conditions that was a turning point for him. Nothing mattered anymore. Last year was bad but things have improved now. I've wanted to marry him all through the 5 years.

Your comment needs to be studied and internalised, I'll do just that.


Ihedinobi2, thanks for your input, can you throw more light on your comment? I don't seem to understand you.

Trekkie, thanks for your comment. I had to LOL. I used to be a principled person. We didn't sleep with each other for the first 3 years of our relationship. How can a young woman get pregnant intentionally in this country? I wish you know my family, this is the worst thing that can happen to anybody in my house but I'm grateful how things turned out.

I'll try to give objective answers to your questions. Thanks again

I was actually echoing what TV01 said. That you actually have to get married if you already have a kid and that neither your baby daddy nor your ex is a good option. Then I answered your question about whether men can love children that are noy theirs.

But with this new information you just gave that things got bad along the line, maybe you should wait for your baby daddy to put himself back together but he needs to feature more closely in the kid's life. I assumed earlier that he was still trying to settle his finances for the first time. It's good to know that he had before.

The choice to wait is not an easy one and I will advise you to not make it lightly. It will involve his deliberately spending more time with the kid and doing all he can to settle you down soon.

And it's great news that things are improving. Cheers, honey. Your story just made my morning better.

deylookme:
TV01, thanks for your input. Honestly, our relationship was 3 years old when we found out we were pregnant and we were in it to get married. He had been pushing for marriage since my 3rd year in school but I refused and insisted I must graduate and possibly go for service. Things got bad along the line and when we were ready there was no money, he lost the 2 people he was closest to in his family and that were willing to help without conditions that was a turning point for him. Nothing mattered anymore. Last year was bad but things have improved now. I've wanted to marry him all through the 5 years.

Your comment needs to be studied and internalised, I'll do just that.

Morning deyooklme, hope you are well. I must say the equanimity and grace with which you are discussing the situation is quite refreshing and to be commended. You come across really well. And if it's any indication of your wider character, I believe and truly hope you'll come through this.

The extra insights are helping me understand things in a more personal sense and are quite revealing. I've also read you other posts about the situation.

You have a lot vested in this relationship, and, with a child to consider, it's understandable that you are keen to make it work - absolutely nothing wrong with that - although your giving consideration to other "suitors" suggests you are aware it may not?

Hence, your dilemma remains, do you stick it out, or do you move on. I'll say this first, if you do decide to move on, understand what a good husband is made of and don't settle for less. Your interest in your ex from a decade ago smacks of immaturity/desperation.

I personally think you should have it out with him. But first, you must gather yourself and consider if you can deal with the possible outcomes?
I'd sit him down, remind him of where you have both come from, the journey thus far. The promises made, the vision and the anticipation, and your enduring commitment to it.

Explain to him that you understand the pressure and what he seeks to do, but for the best long-term interest of you and your child he needs to formalise the commitment.

You need to be clear about what time frame is acceptable to you and what you expect in terms of milestones/events up until the day. Then you need to make it readily apparent that you will move on with your life if he cannot commit wholeheartedly and fully accept the responsibilities that come with the challenge of being a husband and father.

If he's looking for a way out, it'll soon be clear, if he's seeking to keep the status-quo which effectively absolves him of real ownership, it'll be apparent, and if he realises that it's time to take the reigns and honour you and your child as he first planned you'll know.

Perhaps give him time to go away and consider his response or prep him beforehand so he knows exactly what you have in mind. Either way, with an understanding of his position, you can determine the way ahead.

A real idea of what he stands to lose might galvanise him. But in any event, be clear, be firm and be resolute. And please, please, please, don't take in at this point.

All the best

TV

To my bros'
Always set your standards high in terms of expectations from your wife. It goes without saying that you present as a mature man with a vision for your home. Articulate who you are, what you stand for and your expectations. Get to know her, but don;t pander to her or allow your feelings to lead your actions. If at any point you feel she's not the one, free her and move on. If it's a relatively minor thing - amongst a whole lot of good - let her know and work with her. If she is not clear in due course, at best park her and keep looking. Please don't mess them about or blight their futures for a few fleeting moments of intimacy.

Left to you, you are not bothered, but because of pressure from your parents, your babydaddy's parents and your loverboy's parent, there is intense pressure on you to marry asap!!! ^{Overbearing Nigerian parents and the 80% role they play in marriages crashing everywhere sha}


You met loverboy when you were both aged 15/16 and dated just 3 months and this is whom you contemplate leaving the "known" for Gosh nairaland needs a backhand slap emoticon NOW And to make matters worse, he is a mummy's boy!! Berra run for your dear life!!


As long as no one is feeding you, politely tell everyone to get off your case and face their own lives and stick with your babydaddy whose feeling and utmost devotion to you and your baby has never changed from day one...He went through a rough patch and is probably suffering from clinical depression so what he needs from you is support. Reach out to him and stand by him and don't let people who are only worried about reputation live your life for you. Reassure your man you love him and understand this is just a temporary dip in his status and promise him you would never leave nor forsake him...

cococandy:
Your baby daddy sounds like he's got his head screwed on correctly.
Maybe you should give him a little more time as long as he doesn't stop being practical and starts building castles in the air.

Does he contribute the little he gets sometimes towards taking care of your baby?
If his family think he's spendthrift, then maybe you need to talk deeply with him about that.
That can ruin a marriage.

He drinks too much and his family openly admit that he is financially irresponsible. That does not sound like someone a woman can count on. If times get too tough he will turn to his bottle and trust me, if you give an alcoholic the choice between spending his last dime on baby food versus his bottle, he will always choose the bottle

soulglo:


He drinks too much and his family openly admit that he is financially irresponsible. That does not sound like someone a woman can count on. If times get too tough he will turn to his bottle and trust me, if you give an alcoholic the choice between spending his last dime on baby food versus his bottle, he will always choose the bottle

If I'm not mistaken it is the other guy who drinks too much.

cococandy:


If I'm not mistaken it is the other guy who drinks too much.

You're right. I thought her ex was the baby's dad. She needs to drop the heavy drinker. People who use drinking as a coping mechanism do not fare well in tough life situations. I agree with your earlier post . He seems to be the better option. She shouldn't get pregnant again till he puts a ring on it

Op, I just want to say I admire your sincerity and willingness to learn and listen. There's something about your posts that makes me believe you will not take the wrong step. Many intelligent posters have given you sound advice too, and in as much as I'm not in your situation, I have learnt a lot from you and everyone who has posted so far.

May God guide you ma'am. Cheers.

deylookme:


Ihedinobi2, thanks for your input, can you throw more light on your comment? I don't seem to understand you.

Trekkie, thanks for your comment. I had to LOL. I [b]used [/b]to be a principled person. We didn't sleep with each other for the first 3 years of our relationship. How can a young woman get pregnant intentionally in this country? I wish you know my family, this is the worst thing that can happen to anybody in my house but I'm grateful how things turned out.

I'll try to give objective answers to your questions. Thanks again

both of you need to know something... financial troubles can come even after marriage.. so if the trouble is only finance... take a deep breath and take the plunge. courage my friend is not the absence of fear, but forging ahead in spite of it. faith is the same thing but this time you believe that God has got your back.

keep your chin up.