At first it was easy for me to point every single finger and toe at my husband for obliterating our 10-year marriage. He's the one who cheated and walked out without looking back. And long before that, he repeatedly shut me out, choosing to bury himself in his work to avoid what was happening to us at home.

Blame was my coping mechanism to get through the first difficult months of our separation, and "how dare he!" was my mantra. I rallied an entire army of supporters who, like me, were totally, utterly and completely aghast at the nerve -- the gall -- of this man.

Because obviously being a lying, cheating, family abandon-er trumps anything I did to our marriage in the past decade. Right?

Wrong.

I deflected any and all culpability in the failure of my marriage for months, holding on to the picture I painted of myself as the gentle, selfless and long-suffering wife. It wasn't until I found a therapist who called me out on my bullsh*t that I was forced to take a long, hard look at my shortcomings.

It wasn't pretty.

Here's what I now know actually screwed up my marriage. May it serve as a warning to you. Before it's too late.

1. I put my children first.
It's easy to love your own children. It takes very little effort, and they adore you no matter what. Marriage is the polar opposite: it's work. And whenever my marriage started to feel like work, I would check out and head to shoprite or my friend's place with the kids in tow. I'd often plan these adventures when I knew my husband couldn't go (and spoil my good time). I told myself it was OK because he preferred to work anyway and always seemed grouchy on family outings. I chose most nights to cuddle with them in our bed, blaming his late-night bedtimes and snoring for the sleeping arrangement. As a result, we were hardly alone together and never had kid-free date nights. Well, maybe once a year on our anniversary.

2. I didn't set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents.
They were at our house frequently, sometimes arriving unannounced and walking right in. They'd "help out" around the house doing things we never asked them to. We'd go on vacation with them. They'd correct our children in front of us. My own fears of upsetting my parents kept me from drawing a line in the sand and asking them not to cross it. The few times I did stand up for my family's autonomy, I didn't hold my parents to the same standards in future. My husband, quite literally, married my entire family.

3. I emasculated him.
I thought love was about honesty, but we all know that the truth hurts. As we grew more comfortable (read: lazy) in our relationship, I stopped trying to take the sting out it. I talked smack to my girlfriends, my mom, my co-workers. All. The. Time. "Can you believe he didn't do this?" and "Why in God's name did he do THAT?"

Instead of building up his ego, I trampled all over it. I belittled him often, saying his job was unimportant and dismissing his friends as "hangers-on." I berated him for doing things wrong when, in all honesty, he just wasn't doing them my way. At times I spoke to him like a child. I did my best to control the family finances and grilled him over every single penny he spent. And in the bedroom -- yup, you guessed it -- he was doing that all wrong too, and I wasn't shy about telling him so. As our marriage crumbled, I found myself constantly looking for faults and mistakes so that I could justify my superiority. By the end, I had zero respect for him and I made sure he knew it and felt it every day.

4. I didn't bother to learn to fight the right way.
I know it sounds odd to suggest there is a right way to fight. But there is. I tended to keep the peace in our house by keeping my mouth shut when things were really bothering me. As you can imagine, all the small things that drove me crazy grew into a giant suppressed ball of anger that would erupt occasionally in a huge, really frightening fit of Hulk-like rage. And by rage, I mean rage in the clinical, mental-health definition kind of way. After the fact, I'd justify my anger by saying that a woman can only take so much. Looking back, I was one scary b*tch during those episodes.

original article here http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/7-huge-mistakes-i-made-as_b_6355374.html

So what do you now want me to type/say



to each their own joor abeg face your front jare.orooloro loman fekusi

.

Ok o.

From the errors of others a wise woman corrects her own - 5minsmadness (1914)

are you now transgender?#justcurious#

SAMBARRY:
So what do you now want me to type/say



to each their own joor abeg face your front jare.orooloro loman fekusi

God abeg o, must you type/say anything? You no fit read waka pass?

olu77:
Ok o.

From the errors of others a wise woman corrects her own - 5minsmadness (1914)

Eshé.

ahnie:
are you now transgender?#justcurious#

The source of the original article is written below.

Very deep
Not excusing the man for his affair though . .
He should have found a way of communicating his "dislikes" to his wife before it got so bad & to the point that he switched off
Its good to learn
it is well.

OK.but no 4 caught my attention

Women oooooooooo,where are you people? Make una come read ooooo. Before you start blaming all the innocent wretched old looking women in your village for the failure of your marriages.

Mods,pls move to frontpage so our ladies can learn a thing or two. Honestly speaking,I can't reall blame this woman and would not really blame all men. For first timers in marriage,it's usually a whole new experience and there's certainly no way one can become so perfect and experienced on a new job description that one hasn't learnt. Those who manage to pull through,do so out of patience and with lots of understanding. And after sometime,they become used to doing that over and over again and can now pass that wealth of knowledge as experience to others.

Staying married for long,is a lot of work and can be likened to a soup that will continually need new ingredients every minute while it's on the fire,to become sweet. It never gets totally cooked cos you need to keep adding new ingredients to it,to make it tasty.

May God help us all.

haa.....thank God hes left sha......he must have found peace by now....... men they try ....whew!







i hate when people pick mistakes too much,bully someone feelings(emotionally).turn a matrimonial home into a family house.....chai....plus the rest.........thank God for that mans life



Gid pls give me brain to treat my husband and home well....amen

Couldn't the husband communicate his dislikes to his wife?

bukatyne:
Couldn't the husband communicate his dislikes to his wife?

no

WORD!

Intending spouse should come and learn in order not to be liened.

Number 2 actually caught my attention
2. I didn't set (or enforce) boundaries with my parents............................................


I actually have friends whose marriages are over cos it was important that their parents’ suggestions, methods or advice must be obeyed.

I remember one of them use to say ‘you can only have one dad/mum in life, but u can have more than one spouse if push comes to shove.
The MIL (intentionally or unintentionally) turned the couple against each other with her complaints and bickering.
Now everyone has parted ways with each side feeling my family/parents are superior or better than yours.

To set boundaries with parents, one needs prayers, then find a good time and right/polite but firm approach to state your concerns.

5minsmadness:

God abeg o, must you type/say anything? You no fit read waka pass?

so why is it called public forum?

cococandy:
no

It sounds funny

If a husband is hurt by his wife's actions or inactions, could he not thrash the issue per time?

What is I cheated because a did not do XYZ?

Well the woman has learnt her lessons

Each to their own

Bootybuttchic:
haa.....thank God hes left sha......he must have found peace by now....... men they try ....whew!







i hate when people pick mistakes too much,bully someone feelings(emotionally).turn a matrimonial home into a family house.....chai....plus the rest.........thank God for that mans life



Gid pls give me brain to treat my husband and home well....amen

He will bless you. You deserve it.

Heheheehe. I read through a post where a guy posted how his wife cheated, wife came back and said he cheated first, was a deadbeat etc, our people no hear that one oh.
I wonder what will happen if a guy says its his fault his wife cheated, the mob will scream and cry " its no excuse she is a who- re"

It is good that she saw where she was lagging behind, where she contributed to the already bad situation. Interference from inlaws is terrible and bound to destroy a marriage if both couple do not do something to avert it.

But i believe there is absolutely no excuse anyone, male or female, has for cheating. If everybody, male or female, begin to use cheating as a means of solving marital problems, all marriages will break down. What happened to communication? It is people who dnt like communicating with their spouses that love to use cheating as a means to solve problems. Communication, they say, is Key to marriage. No man ever wants to hear any excuse from his wife who cheats. Its just like saying since a man nags or isnt romantic or looses his job or becomes less financially capable, therefore his wife has every right to cheat. Therefore it is his fault. Mbanu!! What we all should be preaching is how to make things work without jeopardizing marriages and not justifying wrong doings. What does cheating achieve in the end? does it ever solve the underlying problems? Not at all. Problems remain the same. Infact the problems multiply. People should avoid using cheating as a means to solve marital problems. Just because your house is not as decorated and beautiful as you want it does not mean you should burn it down with fire. Do something about it and make your house beautiful. Water your grass and stop looking at the grass on the other side. Let couples do their parts in making marriages work.

WHAT A LOAD OF CRAP!

Most stuff i've read abt marriage imply dt d success of a marriage is mostly if not entirely dependent on d woman...Is it dt a woman is not meant 2 njoy marriage bt jes kip working at mkin it work even wen its killing her? Wot exactly is d role of d man?...In ds write up, d woman appears 2 hv taken all d blame n its more lyk shez trying 2 justify her man cheating on her n leavn her n d kids...I bliv d guy also made his own mistakes in addition 2 d cheatn ish, d brk dwn of their marriage could hv been averted if d guy also played his part n didn't let fnz escalate 2 d point dt it did...I fnk 4 a marriage 2 work,both parties hv 2 work hard at it n not jes d woman

Ehen look at them up there saying poo as usual.I for one can't tolerate disrespect from a woman.I know its your natural talent to use very mean bad bad words so if her intent was to break him then she probably did and in some cases even for good.as for me I may yet come out good if you take a limb or two.but words...what a poor fellow

Lmao I no go die sha for this site. So the trend these days it seems if for women to " learn" their lessons
From the fake story teller who claimed her husband was marrying another wife and wanted us to learn our lesson by force to this one at least story tellers took the advice we gave last time and didn't make ut a Nollywood crap of bull.

Same story line though, man cheats wife makes it all her fault none of his.

2015 don come I will pray for all the lesson teachers so they can have better stories with lessons next time since they are determined to teach sturborn women like Stillfire, EfemenaXY, Cococandy, Chilisauce and Ile lessons in this family section. Oya make una carry biro and paper begin learn the lessons are just starting

prettyjo:
OK.but no 4 caught my attention

Why?

aisha2:
Lmao I no go die sha for this site. So the trend these days it seems if for women to " learn" their lessons
From the fake story teller who claimed her husband was marrying another wife and wanted us to learn our lesson by force to this one at least story tellers took the advice we gave last time and didn't make ut a Nollywood crap of bull.
Same story line though, man cheats wife makes it all her fault none of his.
2015 don come I will pray for all the lesson teachers so they can have better stories with lessons next time since they are determined to teach sturborn women like Stillfire, EfemenaXY, Cococandy, Chilisauce and Ile lessons in this family section. Oya make una carry biro and paper begin learn the lessons are just starting

Haha!

Aisha, I'm quickly learning my lessons o! Right now, I'm at stage one: submissively cooking dinner in the kitchen.

After which, I hope to graduate to stage two: Barefooted, pregnant, and chained to the kitchen sink!!

Revelations chapter 50 verse 75...

m guilty of no one but dnt kno how to limit it

EfemenaXY:

Haha!
Aisha, I'm quickly learning my lessons o! Right now, I'm at stage one: submissively cooking dinner in the kitchen.
After which, I hope to graduate to stage two: Barefooted, pregnant, and chained to the kitchen sink!!
Revelations chapter 50 verse 75...

Good your lesson teachers should be pleased.
Dont forget to kneel down and balance the food on your head,.washing hand water on your palms while Oga eeats, I dont want you to be one of the lesson learners oh. You know if you dont obediently do this he can go.cheat and it will be all your fault because there are plenty women out there willing to balance food on their head for oga to eat from. Ensure there is a glass of beer on the other hand so he can sip when he is thirsty. A word is enough

Lisaflex:
Most stuff i've read abt marriage imply dt d success of a marriage is mostly if not entirely dependent on d woman...Is it dt a woman is not meant 2 njoy marriage bt jes kip working at mkin it work even wen its killing her? Wot exactly is d role of d man?...In ds write up, d woman appears 2 hv taken all d blame n its more lyk shez trying 2 justify her man cheating on her n leavn her n d kids...I bliv d guy also made his own mistakes in addition 2 d cheatn ish, d brk dwn of their marriage could hv been averted if d guy also played his part n didn't let fnz escalate 2 d point dt it did...I fnk 4 a marriage 2 work,both parties hv 2 work hard at it n not jes d woman

The writer of the article like a real adult is accepting responsibility for the role she played in the collapse of her marriage. She is not absolving her husband of blame. She has just personally reached a point in her growth assisted by therapy were she can do that. If her ex never matures to that point that's his loss. She will take the lessons she has learnt into her next marriage If she chooses to remarry. Its no longer about him but her own growth.