Justfollowit:
SirShymex

The practice is going to die out, it is amatter of time. I got this online.

Marriage is a family affair- between the two families of both the boy and the girl. There are about six stages involved in the marriage ceremony. These are time for searching, Ifa consultation, releasing the voice, (isihun) engagement, idana, and the wedding proper. Time for searching involve the period when both the groom-to-be search for potential wife. There are usually common meeting points for the two of them. These places include evening market square, along the farm, or where they both fetch water. After the boy is satisfied the he has seen a beautiful girl, he informs his father. His father will then inform the eldest member of the family. When they are sure that there is no blood relationship between the two, they then meet with the family of the bride-to-be. The two families then select a go-between (Alarena).It is the duty of the Alarena to perform a background check on the family of the bride-to-be. This is to avoid marrying someone with some serious physical or mental disorder such as lunacy, epilepsy, leprosy, or extreme albinism. The Alarena will also watch the conduct of the girl over time. When she is satisfied with the conduct of the girl, the family of the boy now consults the ifa oracle .The aim is to know what the future portends for the two people involved. If the consultation yields a positive result, then they move to the next stage, if not then they discontinue with the marriage. The releasing of the voice (Isihun) is when the girl gives her consent in the marriage. The date is now set for the Itoro (engagement).On the appointed day, a few elders from the boy’s family gets to the girl’s house as early as five am in the morning unannounced. This is to formally solicit for the parent of the girl’s consent in marriage. The girl’s parent will then told the delegates that they are not the only one involve in given out the girl. This is because marriage involves every member of the extended family and no one must be left uninformed. Before the delegation leaves, a date is set for Idana .On the appointed day, the two families meet in bride-to-be’s residence. This is when the dowry (owo ori), and other items that have significance in the life of the family to be are presented to the girl’s family. Some of the items include choice kola-nuts, some alligator pepper, bitter-kola certain number of yam tubers, palm oil, salt, fine wrapper of good quality, and other things. In most cases, the dowry is returned to the parents of the boy with the assertion that they do not sell their daughter. After much eating and drinking, the two families set a date for the actual wedding. On the wedding day, there are so many festivities in both the parents’ houses. The two families separately bring together and friends and well-wishers. There is so much to eat and drink on this day. The two families display the various uniforms (aso-ebi) which they have sown. Both the bride and the groom’s families flaunt their affluence with the type of people in attendance, the type of musician(s) invited, and duration of the parties. In the night, the bride goes before the male elders of the family to obtain blessing. The eldest of them starts the prayer asking the ancestors to protect her. He also admonishes her to be of good conduct in her new abode. All other male and later female members take their turn to pray for her and advise her. After these prayers, she then turns to her mother for prayer and blessing in form of bride’s song of departure (ekun iyawo).The bride is then taken to the groom’s house by some men, accompany by some of the wife’s friends and a younger cousin, niece or nephew who is known as omo iyawo. After all formalities, at the entrance of the house, the bride is admitted into the household and finally handed over to the eldest wife in the family for mentoring.


Another argument could be because she holds the power to either make or destroy a home, therefore the bride price is to caution her excesses.

babygirlfl:
Some women are just the greatest hurdle to gender equality. I read what some women write and marvel. It's so sad.

SirShymex:


Err, when are you going to explain ya own meaning of "gender equality" to me?

The way you talk about it sounds like this gay geezer I work with who always accuse me of being homophobic cos whenever he invites me to some gay bar, I just tell him that isn't my thing. And as a straight guy, I like being around women whenever I'm out there drinking and having fun with my mates.

babygirlfl:
Some women are just the greatest hurdle to gender equality. I read what some women write and marvel. It's so sad.

SirShymex:

Funny enough I was having a chat about how Carib women make better wives than Nigerian women today, with an older friend. Sad but true, despite the fact that these folks lost their culture, they're still more traditional, and super-loyal.

Ilekokonit:


Carribean women have no choice but to be loyal seeing that their men are not as soft as African men. Their men don't accept disloyalty or disrespect of any kind from them.

Carribean men are not hooked to the idea of one man one wife like most African men which is why our women take the piss with us 'cos they know that we value having all our kids from just one woman and we also value living with our wife and kids under the same roof hence our women take detrimental advantage of our need for a stable family life for our kids just like we were brought up.

Carribean men are also not as fond of religion as African men are and they don't see divorce as a biggie (that's if they get married in the first place). They've got too many side chicks to bother about settling down with just one woman. The amazing thing is that these multiple side chicks dare not cheat on them to their knowledge or all hell will break loose.

Carribean men have multiple baby mama's competing for their affection and company and I personally have seen a Jamaican side chick wait loyally for 5 years for her man (the father of her only child) to come out of prison after which she continued being his side chick and she sees herself as committed to the guy for life.

She waited 5 years for the guy to come out of jail. You will be hard pressed to see this kind of loyalty from 21st Century African women. Travel for just 2 months and on getting back the relationship will have changed for the worse.

Marriage is becoming more obsolete and more of a trap by the day. No wonder Carribean men avoid being trapped by marriage like a plague.

Ilekokonit:


Carribean women have no choice but to be loyal seeing that their men are not as soft as African men. Their men don't accept disloyalty or disrespect of any kind from them.

Carribean men are not hooked to the idea of one man one wife like most African men which is why our women take the piss with us 'cos they know that we value having all our kids from just one woman and we also value living with our wife and kids under the same roof hence our women take detrimental advantage of our need for a stable family life for our kids just like we were brought up.

Carribean men are also not as fond of religion as African men are and they don't see divorce as a biggie (that's if they get married in the first place). They've got too many side chicks to bother about settling down with just one woman. The amazing thing is that these multiple side chicks dare not cheat on them to their knowledge or all hell will break loose.

Carribean men have multiple baby mama's competing for their affection and company and I personally have seen a Jamaican side chick wait loyally for 5 years for her man (the father of her only child) to come out of prison after which she continued being his side chick and she sees herself as committed to the guy for life.

She waited 5 years for the guy to come out of jail. You will be hard pressed to see this kind of loyalty from 21st Century African women. Travel for just 2 months and on getting back the relationship will have changed for the worse.

Marriage is becoming more obsolete and more of a trap by the day. No wonder Carribean men avoid being trapped by marriage like a plague.

Ilekokonit:


Carribean women have no choice but to be loyal seeing that their men are not as soft as African men. Their men don't accept disloyalty or disrespect of any kind from them.

Carribean men are not hooked to the idea of one man one wife like most African men which is why our women take the piss with us 'cos they know that we value having all our kids from just one woman and we also value living with our wife and kids under the same roof hence our women take detrimental advantage of our need for a stable family life for our kids just like we were brought up.

Carribean men are also not as fond of religion as African men are and they don't see divorce as a biggie (that's if they get married in the first place). They've got too many side chicks to bother about settling down with just one woman. The amazing thing is that these multiple side chicks dare not cheat on them to their knowledge or all hell will break loose.

Carribean men have multiple baby mama's competing for their affection and company and I personally have seen a Jamaican side chick wait loyally for 5 years for her man (the father of her only child) to come out of prison after which she continued being his side chick and she sees herself as committed to the guy for life.

She waited 5 years for the guy to come out of jail. You will be hard pressed to see this kind of loyalty from 21st Century African women. Travel for just 2 months and on getting back the relationship will have changed for the worse.

Marriage is becoming more obsolete and more of a trap by the day. No wonder Carribean men avoid being trapped by marriage like a plague.

vivalableue:

That has to be the silliest most generalized post I've read in ages.

I don't know who or what made you the authority on Caribbean people and our values, but I'd suggest you rethink the stupid remarks you just made.

We hold family tradition in the highest regard, my parents, grandparents aunts and uncles are all responsible married people. Our churches are the lifeblood of our communities. What you don't understand or even fail to see is that the same westernized (white man) disease that now plagues our people are now infesting your own continent.

Look at all the ashawo/runs things going on in your own communities. It's blatant, and you have the gall to say our men are bad. At least, at very least, Caribbean men have the sense to claim and name every child that come out of their loins as bastards are a shame. How many half Nigerian kids do I know in my place who's mother was used for green card/citizenship who don't even know that their father had a wife back home, in London, in Germany and 3 more gfs in America, until his charade came out in the open.

Please, every society has its bad elements. But for us Caribbean folks, the family will always be central to our beliefs and culture. The reason why us Caribbean women are loyal to our men is because we see the crap they as black men are put thru, the injustices, unfair treatment, we birth black men so we will hold them as no one else does. Also because our mothers, grandmothers, auntie all teach us how to be good wives.

Finally, one thing my late grandmother used to tell me is, You can only hear the conversation from behind a closed door, if the rest of the house is quiet. Meaning that you will always be exposed to the loud idiots of our society in general because the rest of us are peaceful in our own lives.

Chuppps gully bops off thread.

Ilekokonit:


Carribean women have no choice but to be loyal seeing that their men are not as soft as African men. Their men don't accept disloyalty or disrespect of any kind from them.

Carribean men are not hooked to the idea of one man one wife like most African men which is why our women take the piss with us 'cos they know that we value having all our kids from just one woman and we also value living with our wife and kids under the same roof hence our women take detrimental advantage of our need for a stable family life for our kids just like we were brought up.

Carribean men are also not as fond of religion as African men are and they don't see divorce as a biggie (that's if they get married in the first place). They've got too many side chicks to bother about settling down with just one woman. The amazing thing is that these multiple side chicks dare not cheat on them to their knowledge or all hell will break loose.

Carribean men have multiple baby mama's competing for their affection and company and I personally have seen a Jamaican side chick wait loyally for 5 years for her man (the father of her only child) to come out of prison after which she continued being his side chick and she sees herself as committed to the guy for life.

She waited 5 years for the guy to come out of jail. You will be hard pressed to see this kind of loyalty from 21st Century African women. Travel for just 2 months and on getting back the relationship will have changed for the worse.

Marriage is becoming more obsolete and more of a trap by the day. No wonder Carribean men avoid being trapped by marriage like a plague.

SirShymex:


Girlie, I agree with the 2nd to the last paragraph of ya retort - but be nice to the Emeritus Prof.

Obviously, every society has its own bad elements. And his generalisation was a tad bit condescending but that might be his own experience. However, those of us who were raised around Caribbean folks, and influence by their unique culture, know that they aren't more dysfunctional than the Nigerian community is. But one thing you can't take away from them is the strong spirit, loyalty, the pride they have in their blackness and the new culture they created, after they lost their Africanness in the new world.

Deya.

vivalableue:

I know that it was a bit harsh but I was really hurt. If anyone should relate to the degradation of Caribbean society IMO are Africans.

Not to mention that Caribbean people are an amalgamation of many cultures. I mean my own children are African, Indian and Chinese in origin. And our families have been in this region for at least a century. Meaning we have all those traditions to call on, and we do when it comes to the family and morals.

It's sad that we lost the essential of all the cultures we beckon from but what it created is beauty.

Out of many, one people. Jamaican motto.

vivalableue:

That has to be the silliest most generalized post I've read in ages.

I'd suggest you rethink the stupi.d remarks you just made.

Some people are aware of the self inflicted smelly secrets you harbour under your skirts or why do you think men constantly break up with you without giving you any valid reason ??.

Ilekokonit:


Loud mouthed Black woman. No wonder no man stays with you lot.

vivalableue:
You are obviously an incredibly reasonable person who can discuss a matter with decorum and grace.

all4naija:
To cut your long story very short, African men usually marry more than one wife!

SirShymex:


Lol, I guess it's 'cos they have to compete with loads of women, for one guy's affection, subconsciously made the like that. And from experience, it isn't just the ones with social misfits of Caribbean descent - the highly educated ones are just as loyal. Also, their loyalty isn't just to their own men, they're also loyal to African men as well.

Furthermore, once you look at the history of black diaspora, most of their black women have always been loyal, and part of the struggle.

Ilekokonit:


Carribean women have no choice but to be loyal seeing that their men are not as soft as African men. Their men don't accept disloyalty or disrespect of any kind from them.

Carribean men are not hooked to the idea of one man one wife like most African men which is why our women take the piss with us 'cos they know that we value having all our kids from just one woman and we also value living with our wife and kids under the same roof hence our women take detrimental advantage of our need for a stable family life for our kids just like we were brought up.

Carribean men are also not as fond of religion as African men are and they don't see divorce as a biggie (that's if they get married in the first place). They've got too many side chicks to bother about settling down with just one woman.The amazing thing is that these multiple side chicks dare not cheat on them to their knowledge or all hell will break loose.

Carribean men have multiple baby mama's competing for their affection and company and I personally have seen a Jamaican side chick wait loyally for 5 years for her man (the father of her only child) to come out of prison after which she continued being his side chick and she sees herself as committed to the guy for life.

She waited 5 years for the guy to come out of jail. You will be hard pressed to see this kind of loyalty from 21st Century African women. Travel for just 2 months and on getting back the relationship will have changed for the worse.

Marriage is becoming more obsolete and more of a trap by the day. No wonder Carribean men avoid being trapped by marriage like a plague.

Ilekokonit:


They used to teach English Comprehension is schools a long time ago but I don't think they still do because your above comment shows that you did not comprehend what I wrote above hence your calling it a long story and coming to the WRONG conclusion.

It may be a long story but not everyone fears reading. We can't all have mental apathy.

SirShymex:

And his generalisation was a tad bit condescending but that might be his own experience.

vivalableue:

That has to be the silliest most generalized post I've read in ages. I'd suggest you rethink the stupi.d remarks you just made.

Look at all the ashawo/runs things going on in your own communities. It's blatant, and you have the gall to say our men are bad. At least, at very least, Caribbean men have the sense to claim and name every child that come out of their loins as bastards are a shame. How many half Nigerian kids do I know in my place who's mother was used for green card/citizenship who don't even know that their father had a wife back home, in London, in Germany and 3 more gfs in America, until his charade came out in the open.

Now, isn't she generalizing by her above statement ?

Yes, she is, but do I have the right to call her silly and stupi.d like she did in her response ?

Ilekokonit:

There is nothing as stabilising for a black man in diaspora as a loyal wife and by loyalty I don't mean just in terms of fidelity. My main thrust is when a diaspora black woman recognises the unique battles a "strong" black man faces in diaspora and tries her best to be a stabilising factor in his life and not the deliberately destabilising, belligerent, cantankerous and loud mouthed crop that populate Naija society in diaspora nowadays. They are just pure evil which is why I called them witches in one of our chats some time ago.

By witches, I meant the level of deliberate, destabilising wicked spite that a Nigerian woman in diaspora displays towards her man that is so evil as to qualify the Naija diaspora woman as practicing witchcraft implicitly or explicitly.

Most of the Nigerian Women in Diaspora are a Re-Incarnation of Judas.

Ilekokonit:


Actually, my post if read and digested was alluding to the high esteem i held carribean men in principally for not allowing their women to push them around and also for not buying into the one wife for life mantra that society advocates.

In fact if i had my way, i want to imbibe some of the carribean man's free spirit into my dealings with women as that way you are not setting yourself up for future heart ache by being loyal to one woman in diaspora who will most likely turn against you in future.

So, my generalisation was not condescending IN ANY WAY. In fact, I see Carribean men in diaspora as heroes for being able to command loyalty and RESPECT from their women in this concrete jungle called black diaspora.



Regarding the response of Vivalableue to my post part reproduced above, Vivalableue is saying I am generalizing without her fully "comprehending" my post to realise that I was actually praising Carribean men for their no nonsense approach to their women and was hoping to imbibe some of this no nonsense approach to women that Carribean men have. But in typical black woman fashion she mis-reads and mis-interprets my admiration of Carribean men's attitudes to mean that I am saying that Carribean men are bad. If only black women would slow down, pause for thought and digest a subject matter before engaging their loud mouths.

SirShymex:


Ok, Sir. I think the generalisation bit stems from citing only social misfits in the Caribbean community to buttress your point. However, I do get your point, though.

babygirlfl:


Spot on.

SirShymex:


Lol, most of these women don't even know that being a black man in diaspora is a struggle. Hence most seek loyal, supportive, and caring wives who can provide a shoulder for them to lean on. Someone to always tell them that it's well, regardless of what this society which prides itself in stigmatising black men, throws at them.

Black women in diaspora need to get back to the basics, and become black mothers again.

SirShymex:


Lol, most of these women don't even know that being a black man in diaspora is a struggle. Hence most seek loyal, supportive, and caring wives who can provide a shoulder for them to lean on. Someone to always tell them that it's well, regardless of what this society which prides itself in stigmatising black men, throws at them.

Black women in diaspora need to get back to the basics, and become black mothers again.

Missy89:

African breed in diaspora is not the same with an African that grew up overseas.
You dont like to make a distinction between the two groups and it will be false to think that they face the same predicament when it comes to life overseas in almost every sphere.

The problem with your theory is that there is a class system among Africans abroad. Which group are you blaming specifically? The African woman who grew up in Africa but migrated abroad to seek a better life or the westernized African woman who doesn't know much about her people?

babygirlfl:


Anybody can seek whatever type of spouse they want. The question is will they get it?Black men too have to start respecting the black woman, they also need to start behaving. I am tired of seeing men who lack character themselves asking for a good woman. How can a badly behaved man attract a good woman. How can a black man call a black woman a witch and expect a loyal black wife ?How can an irresponsible man get a responsible woman. Even if he gets a responsible woman, he will turn her irresponsible. What you and everyone actually see as the misfits in the Caribbean population, he sees as the type of men to emulate. A bad man sees the loyal wife of a good man and suddenly thinks his wife is horrible. We black women respect, love and cherish men who also love and respect us.

Missy89:


African breed in diaspora is not the same with an African that grew up overseas.
You dont like to make a distinction between the two groups and it will be false to think that they face the same predicament when it comes to life overseas in almost every sphere.

The problem with your theory is that there is a class system among Africans abroad. Which group are you blaming specifically? The African woman who grew up in Africa but migrated abroad to seek a better life or the westernized African woman who doesn't know much about her people?

babygirlfl:


Very true. There are two types of African man and woman in diaspora and each group behave differently. We have the African man and woman born abroad, and we have the African man and woman that migrated abroad.

SirShymex:


Err, in as much as I don't think the Emeritus Prof. was trying to posit the message the way folks interpreted it, I do think Caribbeans, just like African Americans get shafted a lot, when it comes to achievements in higher learning and the society. Most times, people judge based on perception, and it's wrong.

Even in the UK, if all Caribs can be grouped as one, due to how small all those countries are - no other community has been able to top their achievements. Not even Nigerians. They're also highly intelligent people, with tons of high flying academics. You'd be shocked when you go to Oxbridge, and discover that most of the black home students are of Caribbean descent.

I went to school, college, and Uni with loads of them - and a lot of them a very intelligent. And don't sleep-on/underestimate the Rastas among them as well, they're very smart and knowledgeable. The Yardies just gave them a bad name, just as Nigerian fraudsters and riff raff gave naija a bad name.